Views about what dating ACTUALLY is

[serialmonogamist]

My views in regards to dating and the reasons for dating have been extremely skewed and at times actually non existent. 

I'm at a place in my life where I'm undergoing a lot of change and growth so I'm deciding everyday to learn more and understand more. I'm a realist and prefer not live in fantasy land so here I am learning more about me and life. 

I'm definitely not dating anyone right now nor have I put myself in the "dating pool" whatsoever. One day I would like to though. 

What If like to get others views on are as follows:

* What is the actual purpose/s of going on initial dates with a person. Heads up: to see how romantic the date will be is not an answer. 

* What do you find are the benefits of online dating? In that I mean using dating apps? 

* What do you consider to be dating etiquette? 

* Do you think meeting someone a bit more organically (other than a dating app) is better than dating apps? 

* Whether on a dating app or whether you meet someone organically, how long would you spend talking to them before asking them out on a date? 

* Why do some people say they are still dating someone when they are clearly not dating and are in a relationship? 

* What are serious deal breakers in personality when either dating someone or considering dating someone? 

I look forward to the varied responses. 👍

[Wiseman2]

This is actually a lot simpler. You can have a good profile and pics on quality dating apps as well as continue to meet people through groups clubs volunteering an other types of socializing.

The purpose of the first meeting is multifold. One is to assess in person chemistry, the other is to assess if they are ready willing and able to meet and are real people.

Meet asap. Online dating is a misnomer. Online dating apps are a collection of profiles of people in your area looking to meet someone. Texting and messaging is not dating. Dating is dating.

As far as your personal red flags and deal breakers, that's for you to decide and be firm about.

While paid dating apps are no guarantee for success or better matches, there is at least a layer of screening with regard to paying with a credit card. 

The important thing is to prevent burnout. Try not to get caught up in paradox of choice. Be firm on filtering and screening criteria.

[Batya33]

From the age of 19 or so to the age of 39 -when I stopped dating - my purpose in dating was to find a husband and have the opportunity to have a child biologically if possible.  Or children.  The end.  No other purpose.  That informed how I dated, why I dated, who I dated and the time investment I put in to dating.  There were a couple of times I casually dated -for around 6 months in 1993 after a LTR ended I dated someone I really wasn't that into -casually -we didn't have sex -we had a fun time together and after 6 months parted ways amicably.  There was a short period of time in 2004 I decided I just wasn't good at relationships/marriage material so I still dated but was doubting myself.  That ended when I ended a 7 year on again off again relationship.  I met my now husband (well, we reconnected) 7 months later.

I never dated online.  I met over 100 men in person through dating sites but never dated them online.  We met in person ASAP after first contact so to me it felt natural -no biggie that our first contact was through a dating site.  I also went on many blind dates and did personal ads in the 80s 90s and beyond (blind dates).  I was excellent at screening by phone for safety/dealbreakers.  I met no one without a phone call and the phone call was typically after exchanging a few messages at most on the site or on email.

For me personally -and I've been attacked for some of these musts -my musts in addition to obviously needing to feel chemistry and a spark -or potential for both -were -same religion, at least college educated (I was -and also a grad degree), similar values about education, wanted marriage and family in the not too distant future, financially stable (I was), excellent work ethic and ambition about career, non-smoker, no illegal drugs (including marijuana which was illegal basically back then), no excessive drinking, and similar values about sex.  I also wasn't into long hair/tattoos, sexual fetishes or wanting to be with threesomes etc.  

I don't suggest anyone else have this list and I'd appreciate not being challenged for it since I don't suggest anyone take on the personal list I had.  Where I did all of my dating meeting someone who hadn't achieved at least a college degree actually would have been very hard to do -I met a few and we weren't compatible anyway (meaning they didn't want to date me or I them) - most of the people I met were interested in achieving at least a college degree and did, some of them did so for reasons not related to the degree-just a piece of paper -and those people I likely had less in common with for marriage purposes.  If I'd been in an environment where achieving a college degree was unusual I'd likely have had to reevalue this must.  I didn't have to so I didn't.  It was really important to me. After 14 years of marriage, still is.  

[smackie9]

First date...getting to know them, see if there's attraction, things in common like values, etc.

Dating and it's real purpose....it's to prepare us for marriage/ being a lifetime partner. Through dating we discover our expectations, what we want, what is important to us and how we expect to be treated. Through the experience of dating we learn important lessons that teach us to make better/healthier choices and that will increase our chances of having a more successful marriage.

You do what works for you, there is no wrong or right, just what you get out of it.

[Lambert]

8 hours ago, serialmonogamist said:

What is the actual purpose/s of going on initial dates with a person. Heads up: to see how romantic the date will be is not an answer. 

It might be to someone.

All the answers to these questions are subjective. Dating is what it is to the two people on the date.

One person might see it as an opportunity to get to know someone. Another may have other motives.

 

[Seraphim]

I never dated for the sake of “ dating”. I wanted to find a husband. I was lucky enough to find my husband as the first person I dated. 
 

Initial dates are to see if you have the same goals and values.

Online dating wasn’t invented when I got married so I don’t see the value. I think meeting people in close proximity to you is better because you can see them often and gauge who they are in many different situations. You don’t really know someone you never see. 

 

[Kwothe28]

10 hours ago, serialmonogamist said:

* What is the actual purpose/s of going on initial dates with a person. Heads up: to see how romantic the date will be is not an answer. 

 

To meet somebody and see if you are a match. I mean, yes, lots of people date for various reasons, but for me it was always about that.

10 hours ago, serialmonogamist said:

* What do you find are the benefits of online dating? In that I mean using dating apps? 

 

Aside of false premise that they sold you how you have a slew of people ready to date you at the palm of your hand and only a sweep away, nothing. 

10 hours ago, serialmonogamist said:

* What do you consider to be dating etiquette? 

 

I dunno. Show up on time and look decent? Other then that its mostly individual. I like to do an extra effort over my dates, like doing origami. But not everybody are like that or even appreciative of such gestures. 

10 hours ago, serialmonogamist said:

* Do you think meeting someone a bit more organically (other than a dating app) is better than dating apps? 

 

Oh, much better. Dating apps have a high risk of ghosting. When you meet somebody and take a number, you would in most cases at least get an answer to whatever you are talking about.

10 hours ago, serialmonogamist said:

* Whether on a dating app or whether you meet someone organically, how long would you spend talking to them before asking them out on a date? 

 

Not very much. If I see that they are interested I usually call on date. Lots of people got hang on that and how they need to talk for a while. Not really if you establish that you like each other to go on date.

10 hours ago, serialmonogamist said:

* Why do some people say they are still dating someone when they are clearly not dating and are in a relationship? 

 

Oh tht is easy. They dont want to be with you so they invent a reason.

10 hours ago, serialmonogamist said:

* What are serious deal breakers in personality when either dating someone or considering dating someone? 

 

I dunno, I guess arrogance. I learned to avoid egothistical people. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

I never dated for the sake of “ dating”. I wanted to find a husband. I was lucky enough to find my husband as the first person I dated. 
 

Initial dates are to see if you have the same goals and values.

Online dating wasn’t invented when I got married so I don’t see the value. I think meeting people in close proximity to you is better because you can see them often and gauge who they are in many different situations. You don’t really know someone you never see. 

 

Yes I agree -  I don't know why someone would type and talk to a stranger. I didn't do that with blind dates either - the phone numbers were given, a phone call was made and a plan was made. With online sites, likewise we met in person ASAP and as much as possible they lived nearby/convenient to me. In the 1980s we had print personal ads which were very popular.  I was briefly engaged to a man I met through a personal ad.  We dated for a few years in my 20s.

[Cherylyn]

Well, I can't speak for others.  I only speak for myself and my experience. 

I never dated in high school, college and only went on a few dud dates post-college.  As for rejected dates, I went out to the movies and dinners with a few men just to have a good time with those one dates.  I sensed immediately after those first dates that there was something about them which didn't appeal to me.  Their personalities were "blah" or they were ill mannered.  Or, they were not good at conversing.  They were either boring or typical. 

One date doused himself with cologne to the point of suffocating.  When he came to pick me up, he immediately gave my mother a bag of fast food trash and asked her to discard it for him. 🙄 😠 My mother was appalled.  This guy drove like a speed demon maniac. 😲 😡 After dinner, I knew that was the first and last date I'll ever have with him.  What a loser!

For me, since I was of marriageable age, I wanted a man whom I could share my future with otherwise we would be just wasting everyone's time.  When my husband and I were dating, I knew he was "thee one" and he felt the same way about me.  After a whirlwind courtship, we discussed marriage after 3 months of dating, engaged 11 months later and married the following year. 

We were living at our parents' houses during our courtship to save money for our first house.  He cooked dinner for me using his mother's recipes, fine linens, fine china and silverware.  Dinner was delicious.  He proposed to me and it was such a great memory.  🤗

We met in person.

I'd say the benefits of online dating or dating apps is narrowing your search.  Some people are faith based, some people prefer local dating, some people want high income earners, it runs the gamut.  After corresponding, sometimes you can sense what type of person they are but the best way to find out is to actually meet in person and get to know them better because electronic communication can be deceiving, ambiguous or very unclear.

Dating etiquette is common sense manners, being very mindful, exercising discretion, behaving like a gentleman and lady.  Treat others the way you want to be treated which is kindness and consideration.  Also, don't go in with expectations.  It would be considerate to pay your own way.  Remain polite and considerate with schedules, agreed upon dates, times, give courteous replies yet don't bombard each other with texts either. 

There isn't a timeline with regards to how long I would spend before seeing the date in person.  However long it takes to get to know them especially with phone conversations instead of texts, emails, messages and voicemails.  Hearing a person converse clues me in on a glimpse of their personality and character.  Do they interrupt?  How do they speak?  Are they well mannered?  Do they use foul language?  Do they monopolize the conversation?  How do they treat others? Are they emotionally intelligent (empathetic)?  Do I sense a gaslighter?  Those are all tell tell signs of either accepting this person in my life or rejecting this person altogether.

Some people are dishonest.  They will lie to you because they are dishonest and won't tell you the truth.  They have something to hide or conceal.  Dishonest people are automatic rejects.  They're deceitful.

There are so many deal breakers such as foul language, lack of common sense overall hygiene, lack of humility, lack of modesty, lack of intelligent sense of humor, lack of empathy, lack of good manners, lack of common decency, lack of common courtesy, lack of habitual respect, lack of good health, lack of stable, good job, lack of sound finances, etc.   I wanted to marry a very moral man.  All of this matters to me because it impacts my life and what type of life I will have with this man. 

I never wanted to repeat my mother's mistake.  She chose the wrong man.  She thought she could change a man much to her folly.  Choosing the right man in the first place means a happy, predictable, smooth and comfortable life.  Most people want to live a stable life.  No relationship or marriage should be a project which is a constant headache.  Same with choosing the right lady.  It works both ways.  Both people need to be compatible.

 

 

 

[serialmonogamist]

I'm responding to the collective rather than individually. All the input has helped me to learn more. Thanks for the input. 

When I feel ready to date again, I now know online dating is a no go for me. I've done quite a lot of it in the past and have ended up in a relationship using this method. 

In saying that it is the past and that would not work for me anymore. 

Real life meeting is much better for me. I can see that online dating (although you can get dates and meet people) is just not my preference. I don't knock it. I've tried it and upon reflection it's just not for me. 

I'll go organic when I'm ready. Until then I'm just enjoying my life, prioritising myself and enjoying my freedom to do what I want to do and focus on my healing. 

I'm grateful for the input. I've learnt a lot of good things. 

Thank you. 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, serialmonogamist said:

Real life meeting is much better for me. I can see that online dating (although you can get dates and meet people) is just not my preference. I don't knock it. I've tried it and upon reflection it's just not for me. 

I'll go organic when I'm ready. Until then I'm just enjoying my life, prioritising myself and enjoying my freedom to do what I want to do and focus on my healing. 

Absolutely -if you see meeting someone in person who you first learned about through a site as non-organic then do not do it.  You don't have to date at all.  I'm sorry you've had such negative experiences and are giving up on it.  Several of my friends met their lovely spouses/long term partners in this way.  Two couples are together 17 and 23 years respectively, and I know of many more.

Out of the 100 plus men I met in person I would say I would have seen half again, half would have seen me again (with overlap lol) and about 5 percent of the men I met were jerks/creepy.  I spoke/messaged with many many more men and screened out a percentage of them before meeting and sometimes before even a phone call. 

But do NOT meet people through a dating site with your mindset -it's not fair to them. I met some men who had that mindset and dating is hard enough without starting out that way. 

 To me it was natural and "organic" as you put it -but because my goals were marriage and family connecting through an online site where I could read the profile and see if our goals aligned saved me lots of time as opposed to meeting people out and about and having to figure out by conversations (and you can't get too personal).  Having said that yes I did meet people organically I was serious with including my husband (coworker).  

I met men with potential for dating them through:  volunteer work, singles events including those sponsored by my place of worship, regular events at my place of worship, through mutual friends (including blind date set ups), at work, at singles resorts, through my women's networking group (because we then met outside the group including with men).  I'm sure if I had wanted to meet men through my all woman book club I could have asked if they knew anyone but I already was dating my future husband at that time.  

Good luck!! Remember there is no reason to date if you don't want to.  

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, serialmonogamist said:

 I'll go organic when I'm ready. Until then I'm just enjoying my 

What you can do to meet people, make friends and reorganize your life is join some groups and clubs,, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses. You'll need to plan and start long before you're ready to date.

You'll broaden your horizons and hopefully create "organic" opportunities in the future so you are not left high and dry or at the whims of men who just hit on you.

With respect, you'll need to be in the right place at the right time for anything worthwhile in life. That means creating opportunities for yourself. While romcoms are famous for chance encounters leading to romance, it's just a plot formula, as you know.

[mylolita]

I might be in the minority here, but the first part of dating isn’t even dating - it’s the meeting, or seeing them for the first time, or the first initial conversation. That’s the time to filter out if the person is even enough to go on a date with. This is why meeting someone organically in real life is so good. You instantly get a fully rounded first impression. There’s no point dating 4 times and then realising deep down they weren’t for you anyway when you probably knew from a 5 minute hi and brief convo when you first met, before it even got to the dating part.

 

Dating to me is, you already have a very good feeling this person might very likely be THE ONE! And, you are deep diving to see and find out as much as you can about this person before taking the plunge! 
 

I’m like Seraphim - I only ever went on 3 dates, they were with my husband, then we were just together then got married. I got asked out plenty 🥲😉 but it never even got to a first date situation because I trusted my instincts and thought, either, no chemistry, don’t warm too them, don’t like the idea of them or they seem rude or boring. No connection. So many big and small reasons.

 

So for me, I would be on that date because I was smitten, blown away, seriously thinking, this is probably IT! Or it would be a waste of my time. 
 

You can’t do that initial screening via online dating. You have to meet with them. In real life, you already met platonically so that get that out the way, efficiently n’all. Maybe I sound big headed, cruel, up myself - I’m just being honest.

 

So for me personally, the meaning of a date is like, confirmation, that you were right in how you felt about this person, or to find out you are wrong, and fast. 
 

I’m a big believer in tuning into your instincts, your gut, knowing yourself and what you want. If you do this, and get a touch of luck, you won’t need decades worth of dates, or strings of bad partners. You’ll either have a few wildly successful dates that become serious partners and hopefully your spouse, or none at all, because no one is matching or worth your time. It’s best to use meeting people as a way to learn, and fast, what you want and what you don’t want, without the time and expense of dating. You don’t want to waste other peoples time either, on the flip side. 

 

The “getting to know someone” starts straight away, before a date for me. Dating in my personal life has been viewed with sacred seriousness. If I want meals and drinks and chit chat I see that in the good friend category.

 

”It’s easy to always win, if you never set yourself up for a loss.” 
 

x

 

 

 

 

[mylolita]

I must add, as a little disclaimer to my maybe brutal, all or nothing seeming attitude towards dating, is that everyone is different, and looking for different things. So if someone.l wants to go on 30 dates plus, 5 dates a month, etc - there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. Also, if someone is on a date as kind of precursor to a one night stand, or a sexual set up, again, I make absolutely zero judgement, not one bit! Each to their own. If someone is very religious and only wants to date within their religious circle and also via family or friend suggestions or set ups, again, I also respect that.

 

My attitude to dating is just my personal way of going about it, which seem very rigid and probably is, actually! But that’s not what is right or wrong. As long as you are honest with your date, and kind, you can’t go wrong. It means so manny different things too different people. I read so much variation on here even about what guys and girls look for in a first date and the difference is massive! Some would split the bill, others want restaurants, others just coffee; others drinks at a bar. Some date a lot, others not much, some are shy with it, some are extroverted. Oh boy, it goes on and on and I think that’s the spice of life.

 

Did Ii dig myself out of an ego hole? LOL

 

x

[moodindigo91]

On 12/10/2022 at 11:23 PM, serialmonogamist said:

* What is the actual purpose/s of going on initial dates with a person. Heads up: to see how romantic the date will be is not an answer. 

The purpose of initial dates is obviously to determine whether you're actually physically attracted to that person, whether you get along well in person, whether you have anything in common, whether you enjoy their company, whether they have a bunch of annoying habits you don't like or do cute things you love. It's to determine if there's initial chemistry enough to continue going forward. 

* What do you find are the benefits of online dating? In that I mean using dating apps? 

The ability to meet more people than you would be able to on your own, people who may not really be in the places you often find yourself. Benefits are good if you're pretty busy like me. But honestly, it can be pretty overwhelming and people expect you to go on dates with them within a week or so of first messaging them. You have to be really devoted to dating if you ask me. I joined one for the first time earlier this month and I've been on a few dates but honestly I've already stopped using it and I'm probably going to delete it. 

* What do you consider to be dating etiquette? 

This is vague and I'm not sure how to answer this. Good dating etiquette is sticking to your original plans, showing up to the date, dressing appropriately. Typically, as a woman, I've had men pay for the dates, but I typically offer to pitch in. 

* Do you think meeting someone a bit more organically (other than a dating app) is better than dating apps? 

Yes, I met all my partners before organically. The men I've met through dating apps are fine, but they have often been quite far from where I live and things just go better organically. Seems less forced. 

* Whether on a dating app or whether you meet someone organically, how long would you spend talking to them before asking them out on a date? 

Depends on the vibes you're giving off and getting. But typically right away is my experience. Within the first week or two of meeting and esp after exchanging numbers. 

* Why do some people say they are still dating someone when they are clearly not dating and are in a relationship? 

This is also vague. Is someone you know doing this? I would say most people don't say they are still dating if they are in a relationship. If you've been seeing someone casually for a while but you've never discussed your relationship status, then that is really the fault of both parties. But in my opinion, if you've never made your relationship exclusive, you're not exclusive, and you are free to see other people. 

* What are serious deal breakers in personality when either dating someone or considering dating someone? 

This varies depending on who you are. But universally, lying and cheating are huge personality flaws to avoid. 

 

[serialmonogamist]

3 hours ago, mylolita said:

I must add, as a little disclaimer to my maybe brutal, all or nothing seeming attitude towards dating, is that everyone is different, and looking for different things. So if someone.l wants to go on 30 dates plus, 5 dates a month, etc - there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. Also, if someone is on a date as kind of precursor to a one night stand, or a sexual set up, again, I make absolutely zero judgement, not one bit! Each to their own. If someone is very religious and only wants to date within their religious circle and also via family or friend suggestions or set ups, again, I also respect that.

 

My attitude to dating is just my personal way of going about it, which seem very rigid and probably is, actually! But that’s not what is right or wrong. As long as you are honest with your date, and kind, you can’t go wrong. It means so manny different things too different people. I read so much variation on here even about what guys and girls look for in a first date and the difference is massive! Some would split the bill, others want restaurants, others just coffee; others drinks at a bar. Some date a lot, others not much, some are shy with it, some are extroverted. Oh boy, it goes on and on and I think that’s the spice of life.

 

Did Ii dig myself out of an ego hole? LOL

 

x

Thanks to both of your posts with your shares and inputs. I'm going through a quiet/low energy phase at the moment, so not a lot to say.  I appreciate what you have shared. I've already made up my own mind from what has been shared and am a believer in just listening to myself and doing what feels right to me and for me. I've been asked on a few dates these last few months as organically. I've turned all of them down kindly and politely because for me there was absolutely zero interest and I knew it was people I could not and would not be with due to incompatibility and also not wanting to be in a relationship at this point in my life. I miss a lot of things but I don't necessarily need to be in a relationship to no longer miss those things. 

 

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

Why do some people say they are still dating someone when they are clearly not dating and are in a relationship? 

This is also vague. Is someone you know doing this? I would say most people don't say they are still dating if they are in a relationship. If you've been seeing someone casually for a while but you've never discussed your relationship status, then that is really the fault of both parties. But in my opinion, if you've never made your relationship exclusive, you're not exclusive, and you are free to see other people. 

I think people sometimes throw around terms just like a married person might call her husband her SO or partner or someone who doesn't want to get into personal details might casually say "oh I'm dating someone." As an aside there was a talk radio psychologist who used to advise treating your husband like someone you are dating -to keep the spark alive etc.  I do think it's wrong to say you are dating someone in order to mislead another person into believing you are not in a committed relationship.  

[moodindigo91]

7 minutes ago, serialmonogamist said:

also not wanting to be in a relationship at this point in my life

Yeah I think going on a couple of dates with men from dating apps and also having my ex burst into my life trying to win me back has similarly made me realize I simply don't want to be in a relationship right now. Promising that much of my time to people sounds really unappealing to me right now. Maybe someone will come along that will change my mind but until then, I'm happy to be alone lol 

[serialmonogamist]

7 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

Yeah I think going on a couple of dates with men from dating apps and also having my ex burst into my life trying to win me back has similarly made me realize I simply don't want to be in a relationship right now. Promising that much of my time to people sounds really unappealing to me right now. Maybe someone will come along that will change my mind but until then, I'm happy to be alone lol 

Well there is only so much you can take before you need a break. Continue enjoying being by yourself and as you said someone may come along that changes your mind. Let it be and wait and see.