Are Late night massages ok? Am I over reacting?

[Magicdaisy]

 

Hi all. before approaching my partner in relation to a late night phone call he made to a massage parlour on a boys weekend away I wanted to get some advice on the best way to approach. 

So my partner goes away once a year for a boys weekend on the Gold Coast and has done so for the past 8 years that I have known him. I have not had an issue with it as he has always been really open with me in the past and was happy to discuss all the antics they would get up to. 

this year however, felt very different as he was not open about what they did over the 4 day weekend of drinking gambling and partying. just said he had a good weekend. 

I felt he was hiding something from me as over the past 18 months he has been very secretive and not telling me things he would normally bring up in casual conversations. He no longer talks to his friends around me and all conversation’s are done away from me. 

After a few weeks of feeling something was off, I decided to check our phone bill. And while he was away, 10 minutes after calling me, at 11:00 at night he rang a massage parlour. I started to talk to him today about the weekend away and if he spoke to or met anyone other than the regular boys - and that is when he told me He caught up with a women he had previously tried to sleep with, but he did not tell me he caught up with at the time ( he also claims that she was there with her new boyfriend). Would you class this as lying by omission? Which by the way I was told that there is a no women policy over the weekend and I’m not allowed to go…. But it is ok for another women to meet up with him on a boys only weekend?

he said that was the only person he met up with. I have not mentioned the massage parlour yet as I’m afraid to know the truth…. Although I think I’m more afraid of him lying to me saying it was a misdial. I have sent a text to the massage place and they replied saying that they only operate at their massage shop and they close at 9:30. Am I jumping the gun?

[Seraphim]

He would be kicked to the curb  immediately. No questions, no discussions , goodbye . 

[Lambert]

I don't think you're jumping the gun. I think you're focused on the wrong thing.  

A change over 18 months? A woman at a boys weekend?

I think there are things your gut is telling you and that's more important IMO.

a phone call to a massage parlour when it's closed is not a smoking gun.

Like seriously, if that was in fact a wrong number, does it excuse 18 months of pulling away, hiding, not discussing? 

It is hard to deal with your relationship changing..  been there and the bottom line for me comes down to this- is THIS the relationship I want? 

I would try to explain what I'm seeing and feeling, exclude the phone call.  Is his response one that is responsive to your needs and feelings? Concern for the relationship? Or is his response to blame you? 

That tells you all you need to know. 

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Magicdaisy said:

he told me He caught up with a women he had previously tried to sleep with

???!!

I'd be fuming!!

And then he phoned a massage parlor? Yeah, you know it's for some happy BS ending!

You have all the red flags. Trust your gut. He belongs to the streets. He betrayed you. He betrayed his loyalty to you and this relationship. You owe him nothing!

I'm so sorry 💚 You're better off without him 💯

[Kwothe28]

Yeah, as soon as they start to lie you know something is not right. For example massage parlor after 11pm maybe provides the kind of services they dont provide at day. So that man is definitely getting something on the side either by some other girl or prostitutes. "Boys only" weekend could serve all of them to cheat around without any of their woman around.

[lostandhurt]

Your gut was talking to you and you eventually listened.  Good on you.

I get that you don't want to hear the truth because that would more than likely mean the end of the relationship but don't let fear run your life.

 From what you have described something shady is going on.  You have two options.

1. Stay silent and keep your eyes and ears wide open and see what else you learn BEFORE you sit him down for a long talk or

2. Pull the trigger now and have the talk now about how you feel, how he has not been honest with you and how the relationship is in trouble.

The problem with #2 is he will lie and deflect and you will want to believe him. He will probably throw it back on you as not trusting him and then start picking you apart to distract you from his lies and sketchy activities.

  Lost

[HeartGoesOn]

As a rule, one lie follows another, and more than likely you'll never get the entire truth.   Are you up for that?

Ask yourself how you could possibly move forward when the trust is taken away.

[Batya33]

Agree with all the others.  Also maybe choose people who don't need to drink and party for four days straight as an annual plan without his SO.  

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Magicdaisy said:

I felt he was hiding something from me as over the past 18 months he has been very secretive and not telling me things he would normally bring up in casual conversations. He no longer talks to his friends around me and all conversation’s are done away from me. 

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Do you live together? 

Sadly the least concerning thing you mentioned is the phone bill. It's what prompted you to check it that's even more disconcerting.

18 months of secrecy means that you sense there's something going on. You already know he's hiding something and will lie and deny if you try to talk to him.

You're afraid to talk to him because you already sense he's lying. In a way you sense he's having affairs and sex with other women.

Go to a physician for STD testing. Whether he's drinking and picking up random women or escorts something is up.

 

[MissCanuck]

17 hours ago, Magicdaisy said:

I have not mentioned the massage parlour yet as I’m afraid to know the truth

You already know the truth. No legitimate massage centre is open all night, so you already know what he was doing there. It wasn't for their shiatsu skills. 

17 hours ago, Magicdaisy said:

He caught up with a women he had previously tried to sleep with

And there is no good reason for him to have done so. Period. 

17 hours ago, Magicdaisy said:

He no longer talks to his friends around me and all conversation’s are done away from me

Are you sure this was acutally a "boys' weekend" and not a trip to see this woman he wanted to have sex with? Either he's lying about who he was with, or they know things you don't about what he got up to that weekend. 

I'm sorry, OP. Don't live in fear of the truth. What you know is already bad enough, and I would not continue this relationship. 

[smackie9]

My guess he hasn't been totally honest with you about these guy's weekends for the last 8 years. My advice is to ditch the guy. 

[catfeeder]

You’ve had 18 months of feeling disturbed by something. If you need to target this as your out, then go ahead and use it when you are ready.

Otherwise, you can keep hoping for some magical shift into better to occur, but what has that bought you in 18 months?

We never get any wasted time back to relive over again. If these are your fertility years, consider that carefully.

[treasure_island]

It all sounds fishy. Trust your gut. If you believe that he's cheating/lying, then you have your reasons and you are probably right. 

Make your decision to break up with him and be firm. Don't give in to his "explanations" and "apologies"