I ended our relationship but now regret it

[Bex G]

Hi,

I found this site online for advise. My close friends know all there is to know about myself and my partner and each have their own opinions. I’d like advise from people who don’t know us. 
 

I met my partner at work. We used to go for cigs together and then one day he found me on a dating site we were both on. He pressed like. 
I then saw this and messaged him exclaiming wow, I never knew you were single!? 
 

From this point we spoke all day, everyday and met for coffees and cigs even more at work. 
We went on an amazing first date. A walk in a local nature area and it lasted most of the day! We didn’t take a breath through chatting so much. 
We both stated that we didn’t want a fling or just fun, we were both looking for a lasting relationship and wanted to settle down. 
we both said communication, trust, faithfulness and honesty were all important to the both of us. We would also not give up easily and would work problems out rather than ending it. 
 

We met up a 2/3 times a week and the rest we stayed apart but this very quickly shot up to almost daily. 
Suddenly, I found he was pretty much living with me. 
I’d like to say, at this point, that even though I knew it was early days, we got on so well and enjoyed each other’s company so I didn’t suggest he go home a night or two. 
 

Fast forward a few months and I realised this man was so stubborn!! 
I know not every argument was his fault, I could be at fault just as much on other occasions but I would put my hands up, apologise and work on bettering myself so whatever had happened wouldn’t happen again. 
I found my partner never did this. He never said sorry. He never accepted anything was his fault and I felt he twisted things to turn the blame on me. 
This would then enrage me through so much frustration when all my friends and family would agree he was wrong. 
I told him to pack his things a couple of times, a few weeks between each time but he wouldn’t go. He didn’t want to leave and we would end up crying, hugging and glad he didn’t leave. 
 

Fast forward again to a couple of weeks ago. 
I had to house sit for a good friend. He agreed to stay there with me. 
We had an arguement and I told him to go pack his things at home and go back to his flat (which he still had but wasn’t living in). 
He didn’t. But he did stay home and not at my friends with me. 
The next day, he packed his things and went back to his flat. 
We were both heart broken and it has affected both of us massively. 
We decided to stay friends and he has told me several times he misses me so much. 
Very quickly I realised I didn’t want to lose him and I regretted it big time. 
I asked for him back and I seriously did not realise his answer would be no. 
He wanted to stay friends, friends with benefits but not date anymore. 
I find this hurtful that that’s all he wants. 
I know that he wants me back and misses me and we have a lot of sexual attraction between us too but as much as he wants me back, he doesn’t want the arguments. 
I obviously get this but he’s not giving us a chance to try again. Yet he’s with me several nights a week, not just sex, eating dinner, watching tv with me. Things that couples would do, but we aren’t actually together anymore. 
Last night, he slept over and didn’t go until the afternoon. 
To me, this is a very conflicted man. He wants me, he wants to be with me, but yet he’s not admitting it when I ask him. 
This is making me confused, upset, and when he slept over and left in the afternoon I just cried because he would normally live here and be here all day and night. 
I know I shouldn’t be sleeping with him. But I can’t help it. It’s like my only way of keeping a piece of him. I also feel like he’s on the verge of saying he wants to be with me again. He was just as upset about leaving as I was. I could see it. 
I don’t know what to do from here.

sorry this is long winded but I wanted to lay some detail down. 
What should I do? I don’t want to lose him. 

 

[Batya33]

You two moved too fast based on sexual attraction and are not a good match.  You can help your actions even though you cannot help your feelings.  By having sex with him you are risking pregnancy and/or STDs as at some point he will likely have other partners.  Is this worth the risk? 

I don't think he's conflicted.  He wants to have sex with you as he is having sex with you.  No conflict.  With rare exception a man who wants to be with you as your partner would never ever risk giving you the impression he was conflicted and certainly wouldn't want to risk giving you the wrong impression by having sex with you and then telling you he is "conflicted".  

He likely is upset. Doesn't mean he wants to be with you in an exclusive relationship. Often there is conflict during a breakup and this doesn't mean the couple should be together. If he wanted to be with you exclusively he would be. He is not at all conflicted about wanting to have intercourse with you.  When he knows what he wants he is not conflicted.

I am sorry this is so upsetting for you.  You cannot control your feelings. You can control your reactions to your feelings. Having sex with him is not a healthful reaction IMO.

[Bex G]

Sorry, I know that’s the conclusion people will come to after reading this. I’d like to add we are exclusive to each other and not seeing anyone else and also I’m infertile so no chance of pregnancy. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Bex G said:

Sorry, I know that’s the conclusion people will come to after reading this. I’d like to add we are exclusive to each other and not seeing anyone else and also I’m infertile so no chance of pregnancy. 

So you are sexually monogamous. My conclusion is the same. He’s obviously able to make up his mind about having sex with you. 

[GotMyLifeBack]

38 minutes ago, Bex G said:

...but as much as he wants me back, he doesn’t want the arguments. 

To me, this is the whole key to what happens next. If what you're saying about him is true, he wants to have a different kind of relationship with you, one that doesn't keep erupting and you telling him to pack his things. (conflict is okay and normal, but how it's expressed matters a lot)

How to have a different kind of relationship? Well, I think that will involve a lot of calm conversation, and each of you doing some hard personal work. If only one of you will do this, it probably won't work.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Bex G said:

He wanted to stay friends, friends with benefits but not date anymore. 

Yes, because that kind of arrangement works for him. He does sex, maybe gets a meal and goes home. He already knows that the relationship isnt working and doesnt want to come back to arguments. This is more "without obligations" and he can take that, Its not that confusing.

Only thing confusing is you who expect that kind of person to be in a relationship with you and hope for that. That is why its confusing to you, because your goals dont match.

[Lambert]

This is an unhealthy relationship. Arguments do happen but always ending with asking him to pack his things.  This is ridiculous. You kept threatening to end it, but you didn't mean it. He cries but never changes. So you break up but you don't.  You're still in a relationship in all but name.  

He's not willing to change and you're not willing to walk away.  So this is your life.  You are fully invested in a guy, that is only invested as long as he gets his way. 

55 minutes ago, Bex G said:

What should I do? I don’t want to lose him.

You don't have him now but you're also losing yourself. 

You should stop seeing him and work on yourself.  Ask yourself why are his needs more important than yours? Why are you doing this to yourself? 

[boltnrun]

Why is your go to telling him to pack his things and leave? Why do you think this would create a healthy, secure relationship?

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Bex G said:

He wanted to stay friends, friends with benefits but not date anymore.

Sorry this happened. What were the arguments about?

It sounds like too much too soon with him being at your place constantly. Step back. Let him miss you. Don't agree to FWB if it's not what you want.

[Cherylyn]

It was actually smart of you to break up with him because his character is flawed to the point of very alarming.  Your partner never admits to anything,  never humbly tells you that he'll better himself nor would he ever apologize to you in a million years.  Unfortunately,  your partner is reminiscent of my sister,  mother and mother-in-law (MIL).  Some people are in forever denial mode and / or refuse to apologize because they truly feel they've done nothing wrong or they'll never give you the selfless gift of an apology.  Admit fault?  It's laughable because it will only happen in your dreams.  I've learned and grew to accept that this is how a lot of people are.  I accept how they are but this acceptance doesn't mean I tolerate them.  I've since instituted and enforced very strong boundaries with people who are off and red flags.  We are civil but chummy?  Stay out of my life.  I control who is allowed in my life and who deserves my time, attention, energy, resources and care.  I only surround myself with people who know how to behave honorably. 

Your ex-boyfriend twisting things and turning the blame back onto you is classic gaslighting which I've been on the receiving end of all my life.  It's psychological warfare and you've been gaslit.  Join the club.  Gaslighting is constantly deflecting blame away from the perpetrator back onto you in order for you to look like the crazy one and not the perpetrator.  It's the oldest trick in the book.  I didn't understand this nasty gaslighting trick for the greater part of my life until I've read many library books on this very subject.  Gaslighters are a tricky, slick lot so beware.  As soon as you sniff a gaslighter from a mile away, run for the hills because you'll never win.  They'll wear you down until your only win is to exit their sick life forever.  For gaslighters whom you can't avoid such as my case, boundaries reign supreme.  Nothing else works.  They are who they are.  Either accept gaslighters or dissolve and exit the sick relationship.  You did the right thing by breaking up but you need to make it more final.  There will be no regrets.  If you don't make a clean break, you'll continue playing this sick FWB (friends with benefits) game for years to come.

Stop giving him sex.  He's using you for sex and he's treating you as if you are cheap.  Don't stay friends.  Tell him that it's time to go your separate ways, wish him all the best and request NC (no contact).  If he refuses to cooperate, then ghost, block and delete him.  You need to move on and the way to do this is to permanently sever ties. 

Cut the drama.  Splash cold water on your face.  Wake up!  You deserve to be treated with respect and this guy is a loser. 

 

 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Bex G said:

Yet he’s with me several nights a week, not just sex, eating dinner, watching tv with me.

Girl, no. Stop giving him the perks of a relationship without actually being in a relationship anymore. 

This all sounds quite dysfunctional. It wasn't working before and it isn't working now. What makes you believe it would work in the future?

[DarkCh0c0]

Honey, you let him in your private life way too quickly. Of course he doesn't want to go home. He'd have to clean, cook, and act like an adult. It's easier for him to stay with you as you mother him and give him free sex. But your role is to be a partner, not his mother nor therapist.

And you two are obviously incompatible. You just have to accept it. When you date a man, it's your job to slowly find out whether he's partner material or not. He isn't!

I'm sorry for your loss, but I suggest you let him go. Even if he comes back, don't let him pull you back by your heartstrings. Let him go, heal and find yourself a man who will value you and with whom you can have adult conversations when things become tough. Find a man who will make you feel special and with whom the dynamic will be more easy and mature. You are worthy and deserve no less.

[boltnrun]

I still think telling him to pack his things and leave whenever you're mad at him is childish and counterproductive. I don't blame him for not waiting to go back to that.

[Tinydance]

How long have you been together? I sort of got the impression from your post that you weren't together that long? It sounds like the relationship moved very fast and he moved in very quickly. That may not have been a problem in and of itself. Except you kept arguing all the time and that's actually not normal. Especially at the start of dating where it's meant to be the honeymoon phase and it's meant to be pretty smooth.

Maybe you do have good sexual chemistry and you like him but you are just not actually compatible. Some people aren't actually a good match even if they're attracted to each other. If you gelled well and had a good connection I don't think you'd be fighting all the time so early on.

Also to be fair if you want to be with him then you shouldn't keep saying on a regular basis: "Pack your stuff and leave". You kicked him out many times. If you didn't want to live together so soon that's OK. But it sounded like you were fine with it but then kept kicking me out. If I lived with my partner and they kept kicking him out, I'd probably eventually get sick of it too.