I can't tell if I want to stay single

[SonicYouth]

Hello, everyone, I'm seeking a quick bit of advice to help sort  my thoughts. For a bit of background, I was in a not-great relationship from ages 18 to 32 that produced a now 7-year-old daughter and ended in divorce. I have now been single for over three and a half years, during which time I've been on four first dates. This question is about the most recent one. I started chatting with a woman on Bumble who seems to check all the boxes. She's about my age, lives in my city, and has a similar background and interests. We chatted for a few weeks and met this past weekend. The date went fine. We had plenty to talk about and I told her I'd like to see her again. This is where my issue comes in.

The next day, Sunday, I felt absolutely zero motivation to pursue it any further. I could see intellectually, based on the above evidence, that I should be enthused about this, but I'm not. The thought of going on a second date and trying to start a relationship exhausts me, even if the person seems great. My single life feels well balanced. I have time to dedicate a lot of energy to my daughter, time to exercise, time to work hard and read and take walks and visit family and do nothing and just be myself. Deep down, I like it this way, but part of me feels obligated to try and find a relationship, and the thoughts keep arguing in my head. Do I just like my life now because it's safe and quiet and I need to force myself out of my comfort zone to find true happiness with someone else? Or should I listen to my gut and just do what makes me happy right now? I feel like a lot of my desire to find a relationship is based on outside expectations, that X number of years after divorce you will have another relationship. And I don't want to wake up crushingly lonely a decade from now and realize I should have pursued this. But on the other hand, I could wake up 10 years from now and regret that I spent so much time and energy on a failed relationship, like with my marriage. These are the thoughts that run through my over-thinking head. Could someone please offer a bit of guidance? 

[Kwothe28]

If you feel fine by being alone, you shouldnt force yourself to date. Especially since you arent very excited about your date. That may or may not change in the future, but you certanly shouldnt pursue anything right now as you just arent excited about dating and think of it as "obligation".

I think you should keep your options open. Who knows, maybe in a future you meet some nice woman that would make you fall from your feet and would want to pursue something more. But for now, its clear you need some time for yourself and you are comfortable with it. In the future i you feel differently, its never too late to pursue dating and find somebody that you would want to be with you.

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, SonicYouth said:

Or should I listen to my gut and just do what makes me happy right now?

Yep. If being single makes you happy, at least for the time being, then single you shall stay.

When you'll want to share with your life with someone else, you'll feel it. You'll know it's time.

[Coily]

It sounds like you need time on your own, without the expectations that a relationship brings. That’s okay, it is nice to have the choice of between the two options. 
 

Most importantly you are focusing on your daughter, that’s far more meaningful right now; so don’t feel obligated to live up to the expectations of the world. 

[boltnrun]

I'm in a similar situation except I have been completely single for about seven years. I was married for about 15 years and then had a series of long-ish dating relationships of 1 1/2 years, two years and four years. Each of those relationships was with men who were absolutely not right for me. But I wanted to be dating someone so I hung around long after I should have walked.

Now I'm totally single. I sometimes think like you do, that I should want to date and I should have a relationship. But I'm not doing anything about it and I'm not sad about it. I'm not longing for a partner or longing for someone to do things with. I miss sex (a LOT) but not enough to find randoms (gross). I figure once I feel like I really want to I can get back out there. I'm in my 50s, BTW, and female.

Don't force yourself to date because you think you're "supposed to". I think if you meet a woman who really blows you away the choice to pursue will be easy. In the meantime you could just attend events or join groups or sports clubs or teams to be social and maybe something will eventually happen from there.

[moodindigo91]

2 hours ago, SonicYouth said:

Deep down, I like it this way, but part of me feels obligated to try and find a relationship

2 hours ago, SonicYouth said:

Or should I listen to my gut and just do what makes me happy right now?

There's nothing wrong with remaining single. Especially if you haven't found someone that makes you feel willing to open up your world and change everything around for them (as in, carving out time for them, sharing your home, and all the things relationships entail that necessarily change your life once you're in one). 

I have been fully single for almost a year now (not long at all) and while I sometimes miss having a man around, I have enjoyed my time alone. I have more time for activities like learning languages, I can go do whatever I want whenever I want, I have complete control over what food I buy and eat. Just little things like that. I had a man I am seeing casually over just the other night and when he left I remember texting my friend saying I'm glad I live alone lol although I thoroughly enjoyed our time together, it was nice to have him leave, if that makes sense. 

I think if you're content with how your life is going then that's the best possible place you can be in. When you're ready to start dating again in earnest (if ever, and it's perfectly fine if you never are), then you'll know. There won't be an internal debate about it. 

[Cherylyn]

If you are content as a single man,  remain single.  There should be no obligation to settle down.   If you are content with your life because you have more time to devote to yourself and daughter, then focus on yourself and being a good father.  Don't feel pressured by outside influences.  Do what you want because it's YOUR life.  Don't care about number of years post-divorce.  It doesn't matter.  You won't be crushingly lonely as long as you are satisfied with how your daily life is.  Don't foresee the future.  You won't wake up 10 years from now with regrets because you can't predict the future.  Don't convince yourself that you will have a failed future marriage otherwise you'll set yourself up for unnecessary doom and gloom failure. 

My guidance to you would be to concentrate on taking good care of yourself and daughter.  If and when you are ready for a relationship or marriage,  you will cross that bridge then.  In the meantime,  enjoy life and freedom to the hilt!  🙂

[Batya33]

I think it's a combo of her being right on paper but no spark or potential spark and you feeling comfortable with your lifestyle.  I feel much freer being married than single.  But I feel less free being a parent of a minor child than before I had a child.  I am not a fan of staying single because of all the potential negatives/"restrictions" of dating because other than the restriction on dating others if you're in an exclusive relationship, to me being with the right person means freedom not to have to look for a potential partner and doing stuff together or learning from each other can feel awesome/very freeing.

I wouldn't follow up with this woman.  She deserves someone who is enthusiastic about seeing her again not trying to convince yourself to do so.  

[tattoobunnie]

Make a new friend.  Be a friend.  Hang out.  Take it slow. See where it goes.  It's not a relationship...you went on one date.  Sounds to me like you are scared to get back out there.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Make a new friend.  Be a friend.  Hang out.  Take it slow. See where it goes.  It's not a relationship...you went on one date.  Sounds to me like you are scared to get back out there.

I would do this only if she wants that arrangement. I was on dating sites to meet potential dates.  I had enough friends.  If she is into hanging out as friends that's fine of course. I also would not do the "friends first" nonsense (to me it is -you get to know someone overall by dating them) or "take it slow" unless you feel enthusiastic and motivated to see her again.  Take it slow is fine if there's a sense she wants to take it fast.

[waffle]

11 hours ago, SonicYouth said:

The thought of going on a second date and trying to start a relationship exhausts me, even if the person seems great. 

I totally get this.