Am I losing him or should I give him time?

[Hlsl]

We are both in our early 40s, have been friends for some years. This year we both became single, moved to the same city and started dating (we always liked each other). It was beautiful, it was romantic, it was fun, we got along so well. I could see that he was a bit shy around me, always careful to make everything perfect for me. Then, one day, he suddenly disappeared, stopped replying to my texts. Very unlike him, always a polite and considerate person. I didn't insist, I didn't ask anything, I gave him space. Two weeks later however he sent a follow request on my newly-opened Instagram and, since then, he liked every post and story I made. Still without a word. What should I do? We are not kids anymore and this behaviour is so unlike him. Already not having replied my previous two text messages, although he read them, discourages me to contact him again.

[Madlike]

Why would he discourage you to contact him again? Did he have any reason? 

[Andrina]

20 minutes ago, Hlsl said:

We are both in our early 40s, have been friends for some years. This year we both became single, moved to the same city and started dating (we always liked each other).

How did you come to be friends? Were you flirting with each other while married, crossing boundaries? Seems like it, since you say you always liked each other. Why did it happen that you moved to the same city?

If in fact he was flirting with you, a taken woman, while he was married, those types of men aren't looking for longterm. They like it that you're taken, so they don't have to put in the daily effort of a committed relationship. So if that's what happened, once you were free and the high of a new knocking-boots situation died down, he didn't want to put in the efforts you were expecting for a longterm partnership.

Also, it was unwise to leave longterm relationships and bound into a new one. A person needs a good year to grieve and process a divorce, even if it was for the best and the person made the decision to end things.

In that case, after he jumped into a new relationship, he probably realized he wants to either be alone or sow his wild oats for a while before settling down once again. 

Why he's throwing breadcrumbs now is part of the weirdness of human psyche. It's not for you to figure out. You'll just assume the wrong things and he no longer deserves territory in your brain. Delete and block him from all your social media. It's not good for your closure to keep him present in your life. He's not a good risk for your heart, so don't keep a thread of connection, hoping he'll return to you. Behavior so unlike him? You knew him as a friend. That's far different than knowing someone as a partner. 

Past behavior is the strongest predictor of future behavior. He disappeared once. If he returned in a dry spell, he'd eventually disappear again.

[moodindigo91]

I think the OP meant that she is discouraged to contact him again given the fact that he has ignored her two previous texts? 

What did they (your texts) say? What was or is you understanding of you relationship to him? Did you ever talk about that? 

I would honestly just ask him directly what's going on. Don't sound needy about it. Just say you want to clear things up. You're right, you're not kids anymore. He shouldn't be playing guessing games. I would just explicitly ask him why he is ignoring texts but interacting with you on Instagram. 

[Cherylyn]

He isn't serious about you.  He's very rude.  He doesn't give you courtesy.  He's not polite.  Ignore,  ghost,  block and delete him. 

[Hlsl]

17 minutes ago, Andrina said:

How did you come to be friends? Were you flirting with each other while married, crossing boundaries? Seems like it, since you say you always liked each other. Why did it happen that you moved to the same city?

If in fact he was flirting with you, a taken woman, while he was married, those types of men aren't looking for longterm. They like it that you're taken, so they don't have to put in the daily effort of a committed relationship. So if that's what happened, once you were free and the high of a new knocking-boots situation died down, he didn't want to put in the efforts you were expecting for a longterm partnership.

Also, it was unwise to leave longterm relationships and bound into a new one. A person needs a good year to grieve and process a divorce, even if it was for the best and the person made the decision to end things.

In that case, after he jumped into a new relationship, he probably realized he wants to either be alone or sow his wild oats for a while before settling down once again. 

Why he's throwing breadcrumbs now is part of the weirdness of human psyche. It's not for you to figure out. You'll just assume the wrong things and he no longer deserves territory in your brain. Delete and block him from all your social media. It's not good for your closure to keep him present in your life. He's not a good risk for your heart, so don't keep a thread of connection, hoping he'll return to you. Behavior so unlike him? You knew him as a friend. That's far different than knowing someone as a partner. 

Past behavior is the strongest predictor of future behavior. He disappeared once. If he returned in a dry spell, he'd eventually disappear again.

Thank you. No, we never flirted or anything similar while we were with our previous partners, we both respect these boundaries. Talking now, we admitted to each other that we liked one another, but both of us showed respect and didn't say or do anything until it was appropriate to do so. He broke up with his partner a while ago, on very friendly terms, noone left noone, they just went their own way. As for us moving to the same city, it was an unexpected coincidence, he changed his career and I received a promotion, both in the capital city. Last time we met, he was so eager for me to finalise my move there, he talked about going on a small trip together before that and then...just silence. I never advanced any of these plans, he did, so I don't feel I rushed or pushed in any way.

[Hlsl]

27 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

I think the OP meant that she is discouraged to contact him again given the fact that he has ignored her two previous texts? 

What did they (your texts) say? What was or is you understanding of you relationship to him? Did you ever talk about that? 

I would honestly just ask him directly what's going on. Don't sound needy about it. Just say you want to clear things up. You're right, you're not kids anymore. He shouldn't be playing guessing games. I would just explicitly ask him why he is ignoring texts but interacting with you on Instagram. 

Thank you very much. My first text was about looking forward to the next dinner we had planned. And the second one, more than a week later (I didn't want to be insisting), was about his first new job evaluation, which he was stressed about. That was 10 ago. When we last met, he seemed happy, eager for me to move to the capital city too (I just got a job there myself), and asking about when we can take a small trip in the countryside. He was romantic, warm, although a bit shy and insecure around me. So, if I may ask for your suggestion, how should I write to him, without sounding needy or push him away for good?

[Hlsl]

26 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

He isn't serious about you.  He's very rude.  He doesn't give you courtesy.  He's not polite.  Ignore,  ghost,  block and delete him. 

Thank you.

[Hlsl]

56 minutes ago, Madlike said:

Why would he discourage you to contact him again? Did he have any reason? 

I feel discouraged because he hasn't replied my previous two text messages and hasn't contacted me again. No, there was no reason for that, all seemed to be going very well last time we met. I have just learned, at this age, what "ghosting" is, but still I find it hard to believe that he would disappear without a word. The man I know is assertive and well-mannered, and would know how to say goodbye in a polite way, if he wasn't interested anymore. That's why I am so confused.

[Batya33]

My guess is he got back together with his ex and/or started dating someone new and is too much of a coward (and rude!) to communicate that to you.  I really hate how he is going about this.  If he acted like an adult and told you he wasn't sure and/or needed space then fine -then actually maybe down the road you two might reconnect -but if this is how he acts -you dodged a bullet.  

[Justsomeone]

Perhaps he is reconciling with an ex or has met someone new. I would just forget him, ghost him and decide to not respond to him if he ever reaches out with any elaborate excuse why he disappeared. You’re right, he’s rude and childish. Not worth your time.

[Hlsl]

31 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

My guess is he got back together with his ex and/or started dating someone new and is too much of a coward (and rude!) to communicate that to you.  I really hate how he is going about this.  If he acted like an adult and told you he wasn't sure and/or needed space then fine -then actually maybe down the road you two might reconnect -but if this is how he acts -you dodged a bullet.  

I suppose I should take this as a possibility indeed...

[Hlsl]

30 minutes ago, Justsomeone said:

Perhaps he is reconciling with an ex or has met someone new. I would just forget him, ghost him and decide to not respond to him if he ever reaches out with any elaborate excuse why he disappeared. You’re right, he’s rude and childish. Not worth your time.

Thank you

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Hlsl said:

how should I write to him, without sounding needy or push him away for good?

Why do you want to be with a guy who is showing no respect and minimal interest in you? You can't push away a guy who already saw himself out the door. 

You are worried about how you will be perceived, but he sure isn't worried about how he is perceived with his rude behaviour. 

6 hours ago, Hlsl said:

The man I know is assertive and well-mannered, and would know how to say goodbye in a polite way,

Apparently you didn't know him as well you thought you did. 

I would delete him from your social media. I don't see why you would permit him a glimpse in your private life when he blew you off and blatantly ignored you. Twice. 

Boundaries, girl. 

[Kwothe28]

I think it is very "childlike" behavior and very rude to just "ghost" you like that. Whatever the explenation is. If he was serious about you, he would at least explain the situation to you. And not act like he didnt know you at all.

That being said, no more messages. Who knows why he did it, maybe its his way of breaking up, maybe he reconciled and found somebody else. But what is important is that he disrespected you. Take it that its over and dont allow him into your life again. Because he just doesnt deserve to be there based on his behavior.

[Jaunty]

It doesn't really matter because his behavior is quite extremely rude and dismissive, and very blatant.  I'm sure you realize that if he's capable of acting like this, he is very much not relationship material.  

In general, the period immediately following a divorce or break up of a LTR is not the time to start a serious relationship.  

Fortunately you hadn't been going out for too long and you will recover quickly.  But please block him.  

[Kbtoys]

If someone doesn’t want to spend time with you, then they are occupying their time with something or someone else.  It is rude to just ghost someone.  The only thing I can think of is as others have mentioned, they reconciled with an ex or found someone else to spend time with.  Think about it, if he really wanted to spend time with you, then he would at least reply with their current life situation, i.e. busy at work, working on themselves, going through some personal self development, etc.  Sorry to hear you wasted time on someone that lacks respect for your time.

[DarkCh0c0]

14 hours ago, Hlsl said:

Two weeks later however he sent a follow request on my newly-opened Instagram and, since then, he liked every post and story I made. Still without a word.

Passive-agressive BS.

This man does not deserve your time nor energy. What a ***.

Feel free to block, delete and move on to new options in your city.

I'm sorry about this.

[Hlsl]

2 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Passive-agressive BS.

This man does not deserve your time nor energy. What a ***.

Feel free to block, delete and move on to new options in your city.

I'm sorry about this.

Thank you.

[Hlsl]

7 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I think it is very "childlike" behavior and very rude to just "ghost" you like that. Whatever the explenation is. If he was serious about you, he would at least explain the situation to you. And not act like he didnt know you at all.

That being said, no more messages. Who knows why he did it, maybe its his way of breaking up, maybe he reconciled and found somebody else. But what is important is that he disrespected you. Take it that its over and dont allow him into your life again. Because he just doesnt deserve to be there based on his behavior.

Thank you. Yes, I feel disrespected indeed.

[Hlsl]

6 hours ago, Jaunty said:

It doesn't really matter because his behavior is quite extremely rude and dismissive, and very blatant.  I'm sure you realize that if he's capable of acting like this, he is very much not relationship material.  

In general, the period immediately following a divorce or break up of a LTR is not the time to start a serious relationship.  

Fortunately you hadn't been going out for too long and you will recover quickly.  But please block him.  

Thank you. I hope I will manage to recover as you say, because right now it feels very painful.

[Hlsl]

8 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Why do you want to be with a guy who is showing no respect and minimal interest in you? You can't push away a guy who already saw himself out the door. 

You are worried about how you will be perceived, but he sure isn't worried about how he is perceived with his rude behaviour. 

Apparently you didn't know him as well you thought you did. 

I would delete him from your social media. I don't see why you would permit him a glimpse in your private life when he blew you off and blatantly ignored you. Twice. 

Boundaries, girl. 

You are right, thank you for this.

[Hlsl]

6 hours ago, Kbtoys said:

If someone doesn’t want to spend time with you, then they are occupying their time with something or someone else.  It is rude to just ghost someone.  The only thing I can think of is as others have mentioned, they reconciled with an ex or found someone else to spend time with.  Think about it, if he really wanted to spend time with you, then he would at least reply with their current life situation, i.e. busy at work, working on themselves, going through some personal self development, etc.  Sorry to hear you wasted time on someone that lacks respect for your time.

Thank you. This seems indeed like the most possible scenario, that was just one of the rebound options.

[Andrina]

15 hours ago, Hlsl said:

My first text was about looking forward to the next dinner we had planned. And the second one, more than a week later

The thing you can learn from this experience, pertaining to any future dating opportunities, is to to never make more effort than you're getting in the beginning stages. It's a great way to gauge a person's interest or lack of it. Your first mistake was texting a whole week later after no reply from the initial text. If a person, whether it be a love interest or a supposed friend cannot take one minute out of their day to reply, why would you make any further efforts for someone who shows you they don't care?

At that point, whatever happened in the past to make you think he had cared are irrelevant.

14 hours ago, Hlsl said:

The man I know is assertive and well-mannered, and would know how to say goodbye in a polite way, if he wasn't interested anymore. That's why I am so confused.

In the future, don't assume so much when you barely know someone. It takes a year or more to see how a person handles a myriad of things in life.

If I were you, I'd be single for awhile and concentrate on your new career position and  forming new female friendships in the area. If you do this, you will likely be far more prepared to navigate the dating world. Take care.

[Hlsl]

20 minutes ago, Andrina said:

The thing you can learn from this experience, pertaining to any future dating opportunities, is to to never make more effort than you're getting in the beginning stages. It's a great way to gauge a person's interest or lack of it. Your first mistake was texting a whole week later after no reply from the initial text. If a person, whether it be a love interest or a supposed friend cannot take one minute out of their day to reply, why would you make any further efforts for someone who shows you they don't care?

At that point, whatever happened in the past to make you think he had cared are irrelevant.

In the future, don't assume so much when you barely know someone. It takes a year or more to see how a person handles a myriad of things in life.

If I were you, I'd be single for awhile and concentrate on your new career position and  forming new female friendships in the area. If you do this, you will likely be far more prepared to navigate the dating world. Take care.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I feel you are absolutely right. It was hard for me to open up to love again after a long time of being single and painful family losses. Probably this is why I take it so hard.