Long Distance "Friend" - I can't move on.

[LegalGirl2009]

Hi there,

I started dating someone over a year ago but he had to move across country for work a few weeks after we met. We never defined the relationship but kept in touch everyday. As time moved on I liked him more and more but I could tell he wasn't looking for a relationship. We still continued talking, flirting, and then I actually visited him and it was amazing. I left liking him more obviously but he still didn't want anything serious and I can understand and accept that, even though I would like to be in a relationship. But I cannot move on from him for some reason. He still texts me almost every day. I still actively date and try to find someone but my feelings for him are stronger. I know him and I will never become anything more than what we are but how do I get over him? I have tried not responding but my willpower is lacking. I've told him to give me space or leave me alone but we always just end up going back to our normal.

[tattoobunnie]

Retrain your brain.  Put a rubber brand around your wrist, and ever time you want to text him, snap yourself.  It's like quitting any addiction. Block his number and delete it.  Let me save you another year of heartache.  He will never want to be with you.  Don't take it personally...he's just not the one.

[LegalGirl2009]

Oh, I know he doesn't want to be with me, I am not trying to convince him. I am just trying to get over him. I will use the rubber band trick though. 

[Kwothe28]

14 minutes ago, LegalGirl2009 said:

Oh, I know he doesn't want to be with me, I am not trying to convince him.

Then there should be no problem in you just not responding. Because if you know he doesnt want a relationship then you know that you just waste time on somebody who doesnt want the same thing as you are. And can move away from that. 

Avoid "time wasters". If you want to date seriously, guys like that would just be a hinderance to that. Because next guy you meet wont look at that positevily about you keeping the contact with some ex fling. Half of the threads here are about the situations like that lol

If you cant just stop responding, say your goodbyes with him and block him. You need to move on from that so just blocking is an option.

[Coily]

I would guess that it's the distance that keeps you going with this guy. It keeps you from being hurt with the day-to-day troubles. You can keep a magic air of how great it "could be." Say goodbye and block him. No matter how great a guy he is on paper, you need to focus on finding someone worth your efforts.

 

[LegalGirl2009]

4 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Then there should be no problem in you just not responding. Because if you know he doesnt want a relationship then you know that you just waste time on somebody who doesnt want the same thing as you are. And can move away from that. 

Avoid "time wasters". If you want to date seriously, guys like that would just be a hinderance to that. Because next guy you meet wont look at that positevily about you keeping the contact with some ex fling. Half of the threads here are about the situations like that lol

If you cant just stop responding, say your goodbyes with him and block him. You need to move on from that so just blocking is an option.

Well if there wasn't a problem, I wouldn't be posting for advice lol. I think I obviously have some attachment issues that I need to work through. If I was seriously dating someone new, I wouldn't keep in contact with him. But I am very single 😅Blocking him would be best.

[LegalGirl2009]

2 minutes ago, Coily said:

I would guess that it's the distance that keeps you going with this guy. It keeps you from being hurt with the day-to-day troubles. You can keep a magic air of how great it "could be." Say goodbye and block him. No matter how great a guy he is on paper, you need to focus on finding someone worth your efforts.

 

Thank you. You are so right. Sometimes hearing it from a stranger makes it more clear. 

[Cherylyn]

Accept reality for what it is.  It's human nature to wish for what is not attainable.  Then think long and hard and come to the conclusion that the situation is what it is and there's nothing you can do to change it. 

Get busy,  preoccupy yourself with work, exercise,  tasks,  errands,  chores and do what you enjoy.  Reading a book or newspaper?  Decluttering and getting organized?  Take a break from the Internet.  Shut everything off.  Electronics turn into a huge time trap.  You can't get anything done.   Become industrious.  You won't have time to think of the guy from across the country because you're too busy. 

If he's on your mind too much, you might have to get drastic and cut him off completely.  Tell him the truth, tell him that you'll ghost, block and delete him for your own well being.  He'll become out of sight,  out of mind after contact had been severed. 

[boltnrun]

You "can't" move on or enjoy dating others as long as you choose to keep yourself attached to him. It's not the other way around.

If you want a real love relationship you're going to have to choose to let this non-relationship go.

[LegalGirl2009]

4 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Accept reality for what it is.  It's human nature to wish for what is not attainable.  Then think long and hard and come to the conclusion that the situation is what it is and there's nothing you can do to change it. 

Get busy,  preoccupy yourself with work, exercise,  tasks,  errands,  chores and do what you enjoy.  Reading a book or newspaper?  Decluttering and getting organized?  Take a break from the Internet.  Shut everything off.  Electronics turn into a huge time trap.  You can't get anything done.   Become industrious.  You won't have time to think of the guy from across the country because you're too busy. 

If he's on your mind too much, you might have to get drastic and cut him off completely.  Tell him the truth, tell him that you'll ghost, block and delete him for your own well being.  He'll become out of sight,  out of mind after contact had been severed. 

I don't think telling him would help me at this point. If I open up a discussion then I might just fall back into it again. I think it's best to ghost/block. I am too convenient for him and he knows I will be around.

[lostandhurt]

You can see he is using you for entertainment not true friendship since he is not respecting your wishes. I would guess he likes the attention and the fact that he can have you or thinks he can have you anytime he wants so he stays in touch. 

 So this all comes down to you doesn't it?  If you block and delete him what will happen?  Will the world end? Will you fall into a deep depression?  I don't think so but you will be sad because the fantasy or imagined relationship with him will be terminated and then you will really have to accept it will NEVER happen.  Until that happens you haven't really accepted it will never be even though you say you do.

Time to quit this guy cold turkey and get on with your life without this crutch holding you back.

 Send him a text letting him know you really enjoyed your friendship but you need to move on and to do that you will be blocking and deleting him on all platforms.  Wish him the best and hit the delete button.

 Then you can truly focus on dating and meeting someone that isn't unknowingly competing with some guy from your past.

Lost 

[LegalGirl2009]

5 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

You can see he is using you for entertainment not true friendship since he is not respecting your wishes. I would guess he likes the attention and the fact that he can have you or thinks he can have you anytime he wants so he stays in touch. 

 So this all comes down to you doesn't it?  If you block and delete him what will happen?  Will the world end? Will you fall into a deep depression?  I don't think so but you will be sad because the fantasy or imagined relationship with him will be terminated and then you will really have to accept it will NEVER happen.  Until that happens you haven't really accepted it will never be even though you say you do.

Time to quit this guy cold turkey and get on with your life without this crutch holding you back.

 Send him a text letting him know you really enjoyed your friendship but you need to move on and to do that you will be blocking and deleting him on all platforms.  Wish him the best and hit the delete button.

 Then you can truly focus on dating and meeting someone that isn't unknowingly competing with some guy from your past.

Lost 

Thank you. I know I probably sounds desperate. I know my life will not end if I block him but I have never been good at cutting ties with people. I appreciate your kind explanation.

[lostandhurt]

2 minutes ago, LegalGirl2009 said:

I know I probably sounds desperate.

You don't sound desperate, you sound like many of us some time or another.  How many of us held out hope way longer than we should have?  We have all been guilty of what you are going through so don't beat yourself up over it.

The good thing is you identified the problem and asked for help but in the end it will be up to you to do what you knew you had to do long before you posted on this forum.

We all agree the best course of action is to remove this guy from your life and luckily he lives far away which makes it easier since there is no chance you will run into him.

Be brave and remove him from your life and then immediately add something in his place. The gym, reconnect with an old gf, start a new project or what ever suits you to keep you busy.

 You can do it so why not right now?

Lost

[Cherylyn]

22 minutes ago, LegalGirl2009 said:

I don't think telling him would help me at this point. If I open up a discussion then I might just fall back into it again. I think it's best to ghost/block. I am too convenient for him and he knows I will be around.

Then go drastic.  Ghost, block and delete.  Out of sight,  out of mind. 

[moodindigo91]

1 hour ago, LegalGirl2009 said:

But I cannot move on from him for some reason. He still texts me almost every day.

I would say that you text with him every day is a major reason you are unable to move on from him. It has taken me almost an entire year to feel okay with moving on from my ex boyfriend and a lot of that was because he kept contacting me throughout that time after he left. It wasn't even every day. It was like once every 3-4 weeks. But it was continuous, and it made it difficult (still does) for me to let go completely. I completely understand lacking the willpower and holding out hope. Some people on here say it sounds desperate, but I think it's just normal really. It becomes desperate when you start acting on it, like messaging him constantly, or trying to convince him otherwise. 

The best thing you can do is block his number, if you can. Don't reach out to him yourself. (Honestly I have not blocked my ex yet, but I have never reached out to him myself, only responded when he did, and I felt like *** about it each time). And just realize that it takes some time to get over that hope for a connection to grow. Be patient with yourself. Do things you enjoy doing alone. Contemplate the meaninglessness of our existence lol

Fill your mind with other things that are not him and be kind to yourself for having feelings. 

[LegalGirl2009]

12 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

I would say that you text with him every day is a major reason you are unable to move on from him. It has taken me almost an entire year to feel okay with moving on from my ex boyfriend and a lot of that was because he kept contacting me throughout that time after he left. It wasn't even every day. It was like once every 3-4 weeks. But it was continuous, and it made it difficult (still does) for me to let go completely. I completely understand lacking the willpower and holding out hope. Some people on here say it sounds desperate, but I think it's just normal really. It becomes desperate when you start acting on it, like messaging him constantly, or trying to convince him otherwise. 

The best thing you can do is block his number, if you can. Don't reach out to him yourself. (Honestly I have not blocked my ex yet, but I have never reached out to him myself, only responded when he did, and I felt like *** about it each time). And just realize that it takes some time to get over that hope for a connection to grow. Be patient with yourself. Do things you enjoy doing alone. Contemplate the meaninglessness of our existence lol

Fill your mind with other things that are not him and be kind to yourself for having feelings. 

I try to think of this scenario: let's say one day he finally wants to be with me. would I really want to be with him? after a year of chasing him? no. it would not be healthy. but for some reason, the illusion of what could be keeps me around. even though I know the reality would be so different!

I've just had horrible dating experiences and latch onto the wrong ones. I have blocked him before and eventually I unblocked him and things just went back to normal. I need to stop allowing that to happen 😭 I need to fill my time with more stuff and things to do.  I am NOT kind to myself lol I guess this is the perfect time to work on my attachment and self image issues. 

[boltnrun]

The first thing to do is to end contact. No, I will not try to claim that EMOTIONALLY this will be "easy" but it physically is. Simply block his number and delete it from your phone OR change his name to "No Don't" so you'll see it.  You don't "try" to do this. You either choose to do it or you choose not to.

And I don't know that you have "attachment issues" to "work on". It just served your purposes up until now to keep yourself attached to him and now it doesn't. You evolved, which most people do.

I chose to remove a toxic ex from my life after refusing to do so for six years. I finally had enough of the BS and of caring what that piece of garbage thought of me. I took back my life. It's mine, after all! Why should HE get to determine my moods or how my life was going?? It made no sense and I just got sick and tired of it. Seems like you are, too.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, LegalGirl2009 said:

he still didn't want anything serious . I still actively date and try to find someone but my feelings for him are stronger. but we always just end up going back to our normal.

Unavailable people choose other unavailable people so you need to reflect on this. This was more-or-less a fantasy fling. When you compare that to reality and decide your fantasy is better you are avoiding real relationships. "Latching on to" this is a colossally horrible by comparison

It has nothing to do with willpower (or him actually) but courage to throw off this cyber security-blanket and date in real life. You'll have to delete and block him, though. Hiding behind a screen and in a romance novel is easy. Getting out there to risk relationships is harder, but it's the cure for the loneliness that keeps you stuck in this.

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, LegalGirl2009 said:

I cannot move on from him for some reason. He still texts me almost every day. I still actively date and try to find someone but my feelings for him are stronger. I know him and I will never become anything more than what we are but how do I get over him? I have tried not responding but my willpower is lacking. I've told him to give me space or leave me alone but we always just end up going back to our normal.

Stop dating and work on letting go of this one ....

why try to date?  You have nothing to 'give'.

You get over him by stopping all of this interaction.  So what, he messages you - is YOUR choice to continue & respond back. So, this has to stop!

It takes steps to have progress.  You know, inside, it's not going to happen. So you need time to accept it.

Give him nothing. And be strong here.  Choose YOU ❤️ 

 

 

[moodindigo91]

1 hour ago, LegalGirl2009 said:

I've just had horrible dating experiences and latch onto the wrong ones. I have blocked him before and eventually I unblocked him and things just went back to normal. I need to stop allowing that to happen 😭 I need to fill my time with more stuff and things to do.  I am NOT kind to myself lol I guess this is the perfect time to work on my attachment and self image issues. 

Right! I understood that about my relationship to my ex as well, like if he WERE to come back, I would not accept him back into my life. Or, if I did, I would ultimately be unhappy for having done so. That right there is a good first step. 

I also try to remind myself, that a man not pursuing you is not a man you want in your life. If he's perfectly capable of walking away from your connection, he didn't want it much anyway. You just have to accept that. 

You do need to be kinder with yourself, and give yourself all the grace possible. I wouldn't even say you have attachment or self image issues because those have such negative connotations. It is perfectly normal and valid to fall in and out of attachments with others, and it is perfectly normal and valid to feel rejection when someone you became even loosely attached to falls out or disappears. Maybe you just need to strengthen your coping mechanisms 🙂 As you said, put your time and energy into yourself! 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, LegalGirl2009 said:

let's say one day he finally wants to be with me.

Or this likely scenario:

Let's say one day he lets it slip that he's met someone, and is pursuing something with her. 

How will you feel about keeping in constant contact then? 

[LegalGirl2009]

50 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Or this likely scenario:

Let's say one day he lets it slip that he's met someone, and is pursuing something with her. 

How will you feel about keeping in constant contact then? 

This was a big fear of mine. I have been in situations where they don't want a relationship but end up finding that with someone else. And it sucks. But I wouldn't keep in contact with him if that was the case. That scenario is probably likely to happen. I mean he will eventually date someone. Just not me.

[moodindigo91]

14 minutes ago, LegalGirl2009 said:

This was a big fear of mine. I have been in situations where they don't want a relationship but end up finding that with someone else. And it sucks. But I wouldn't keep in contact with him if that was the case. That scenario is probably likely to happen. I mean he will eventually date someone. Just not me.

This is 100% true. He may even be already dating someone else. Or was the entire time. Who knows? My ex broke up with me swearing it was just because he was lost and needed to be alone and figure it out. 6 months later he told me he had already been seeing someone casually (he only told me bc he said he almost called her by my name a couple of times). Like what! Just remove yourself from the possibility of learning information like this in the future. It will only prolong your ability to move on for sure. He told you clearly he wasn't wanting anything deeper, that's more than most men do. So, go find someone who wants what you want.