What could be the right decision for me now? Complex relationship

[Nomadicone1]

I got into a relationship in January with a girl and I am now deeply in love with her. However, 3 months into the relationship I found out she had a relationship with her male cousin that seems to have only very recently ended or appears to be ongoing. They message and call each other very frequently and even during our relationship I am unhappy with her messaging style with him where she uses phrases like "honey" "darling" "baby" and occasionally says I love you to him too. She tells me this is just how she texts normally with family. But not only this concerns me but also finding intimate pictures pictures them together (past) and the fact that while dating me she had him as a screen saver on her phone. When I found out about their 'secret' relationship initially she point blank lied and looked dead into my eyes and said that is disgusting for you to ask me that. But because I knew I asked again multiple times before she finally admitted it. It is very strange because when we are together she is so loving, caring, and affectionate. However, I am concerned about how easily she lied, the nature of the lie and the possibility of their incestuous relationship reigniting or the possibility of her actually still being in love with him.

[Cherylyn]

Breakup.  Move on.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Nomadicone1 said:

3 months into the relationship I found out she had a relationship with her male cousin  she finally admitted it.  I am concerned about how easily she lied, the nature of the lie and the possibility of their incestuous relationship reigniting or the possibility of her actually still being in love with him.

Sorry this is happening. Hopefully you are not just a "cover" for their relationship. How old is she? It's only been 10 mos., so consider ending it due to untrustworthy behaviors.

[Kwothe28]

She lies, dates other people and, somehow worst of all, has a thing with her cousin. Dump her yesterday and dont even think of making anything with an awful person like that.

[DarkCh0c0]

I see nothing complex about this.

Break up and stop wasting your time on a wrong match and cheater. Don't put up with this. Have some self respect and walk away.

[HeartGoesOn]

You can't change her, and this is not what you signed up for. With that said it,s time to issue her, her walking papers.

[SooSad33]

Yup, no thanks!

Be done with this.  She needs to get her **** together before she plans to move onto another relationship again!  This is not the time.

 

[moodindigo91]

WHAT. How are you not like burning all the bridges related to this person at this point. This is crazy. 

[catfeeder]

It would be enough for me to just walk away from anyone who is still involved with an ex, at all, period.

Add lying on top of that?

Its a no-brainer, I'd be outta there.

[MissCanuck]

There is nothing complex about this - red flags everywhere.

End it and find someone who is ready for a healthy relationship. This woman ain't it. 

[Nomadicone1]

It is really so sad for me this whole situation. Thank you all for you advice, its really helping me with my decision making.

I just invested so much of my heart and effort into this girl. I also fear I will never have those same feelings or experiences with someone else and she is very attractive. But I guess the reality is, I fell for the wrong one didn't I? Someone who has demonstrated they can't even be trusted around family and someone with values and morals that don't align with mine.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Nomadicone1 said:

 and she is very attractive. 

Don't be so dazzled by that, that it blinds you to the reality of the situation. All that glitters isn't gold . It sounds like she trotted you out as the BF to cover up their love affair. Keep in mind, in some cultures and areas people do marry cousins. But it may be taboo where you are. In fact cousin sexual intercourse and marriage are legal in all of the UK and half of the US.

[MissCanuck]

35 minutes ago, Nomadicone1 said:

I also fear I will never have those same feelings or experiences with someone else

You are probably correct that you will never again have to worry that your girlfriend is cheating on you with her own cousin. 

Don't forget, this is part of the package with her. You had better hope you don't run into someone like her again. 

[Nomadicone1]

At almost 30 years old I worry I won't find love with someone very attractive again. But I guess I'm wrong in thinking that? I really don't know the truth of her intention dating me but I very much doubt that bond with her cousin will disappear and it could re-emerge at any time couldnt it ? And she has a lot of other male cousins and I even fear she will have relations with them.

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Nomadicone1 said:

At almost 30 years old I worry I won't find love with someone very attractive again.

Boy, you can't join the dating world with a mentality and attitude of fear and lack. This will ensure you will fall with the wrong people. Instead, you need to flip this attitude to something that inspires confidence in you and your dating goals.

And 30 is nothing! It's young. Your 30s are a great time to date and be around others. I advise you to love yourself and then look for people who will only add positive loving vibes to your life. Train that love muscle to yourself and then you will attract people who will love and appreciate you too. You will also have stronger boundaries and higher expectations of how others treat you and immediately cut off people who don't align with those expectations.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Nomadicone1 said:

At almost 30 years old I worry I won't find love with someone very attractive again.

There is always a possibility, yes.

However, turning a blind eye about somebody who lies and cheats could and probably will potentially ruin your life. From her just leaving you for cousin, her cheating again after she knows that you wont do anything about it(once a cheater always a cheater) to even the possibility of future children not being yours.

Are you prepared to live with those consequences? Just because she is probably very hot and you think you wont find hotter girlfriend then her?

Maybe its just your way of bargaining with the situation but its very superficial one and something that would lead you quite possibly to very bad consequences.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Nomadicone1 said:

 And she has a lot of other male cousins and I even fear she will have relations with them.

Well if you're going to look over your shoulder constantly worrying about all the relatives she may or may not be in love with you're going to have a pretty gruesome relationship.

It seems like she's out of your league and therefore you're excessively jealous. Because now you're changing your story to her having a thing for the rest of her kinfolk. So what's the deal? Stay or go?

[Nomadicone1]

Yea I think I have become jealous because now we are long distance for at least two months while she lives in a country where the male cousin lives. Because of the past I know fear that despite her reassurances that there will be infidelity. From the responses so far it is clear my best course of action is to move on and try to improve myself ready for someone more quality.

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Nomadicone1 said:

 I have become jealous because now we are long distance for at least two months while she lives in a country where the male cousin lives. .

Then end it. You can't be jealous, suspicious and possessive and be happy. You're creating your own nightmare for yourself with that.

Date local women from your own culture. Yes work on improving yourself and your self respect.

End it and use this time to date locally.

[boltnrun]

Is a woman being "attractive" a priority to you? If so, why? So your friends will be jealous?

How about finding a woman you find attractive in ALL ways, not just physical appearance?

[smackie9]

love makes us act like a damn fool don't it?

[catfeeder]

9 hours ago, Nomadicone1 said:

I also fear I will never have those same feelings or experiences with someone else

You will, and you'll thank yourself for freeing yourself to find her.

A liar will never offer you happiness or security, only a living hell of looking over your shoulder.

Who wants to live like that?

[Nomadicone1]

So just an update. We are still long distance and a family matter arose and she told me another male cousin of hers will be staying at her place as his father has just died.

Perhaps because of the history I could not tolerate this and ended it, not believing her story.

I don't know if I have done the right thing here, but I just cannot trust her with another male cousin sleeping in her apartment, just them two.

Did I do the right thing? This whole experience has been a nightmare emotionally 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Nomadicone1 said:

Did I do the right thing?

Why are you even questioning yourself?

Of course you did the right thing. You will never have a happy, secure relationship with this woman. When you are worried that she can't be around her own family without the possibility she might have sex with them, you really need to move on. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Nomadicone1 said:

 I could not tolerate this and ended it, not believing her story.

Good call. Perhaps this "cousin" is an arranged marriage or whatever. You don't trust her. Sometimes people stuck with these arrangements will try anything to get out of it.

Block and delete her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Try not to make yourself nuts over this.