What should I do?.. or better yet what should we do?...

[itsallgrand]

Is it important to both of you to live together before engagement? That's where this is heading, right?

I'm a bit confused. You say you are in med school and so you are going to have a very demanding schedule, that isn't going to let up. She also cares a great deal about advancing her career, and if/when she lands the position she wants that will be demanding as well. So what is it that both of you want to do as far as having children or not? Because if you are both starting out in new positions that are demanding, is the plan to do mat leave then having family or daycare for the majority of child care? At what time will you start trying? Sorry to be personal but have you discussed this? 

I'm just wondering if you are on the same page as far as all these big questions? 

Her stalling a move for so long and unwilling to take anything but her dream job in the new location makes me wonder if having a child is up there on her list of "must haves". It also makes me wonder how serious is this relationship, are you ready to start a life together or if she moved would it still be in the " let's see how things go" limbo? 

 

[lostandhurt]

Well since you cannot move it isn't what we should do it is what should she do isn't it.

I know a lot of teachers, principals and coaches and all of them worked their way up at the district they worked at.  The districts (like many companies) like to hire known people so there are no surprises.  This will hamper her chances greatly.  Several years back our local city hired a fire chief from across the country.  Turns out he liked to drink and when drinking he would hit his wife.  Needless to say he is gone and they promoted from within. 

Her worries about a school district downsizing seems odd since most schools are hurting for teachers with her credentials. 

 If you want to get married then ask her to marry you and then see what she says.  Once that is on the table things change from just talk and dreams to real life. 

I assume you can afford a place just on your salary so she could lateral and then dazzle them with her skills and work her way up quickly.

Most people want to make more money and be the boss but if we all waited for that dream to happen before we got married there would be a lot of single people in the world wouldn't there?

  If she won't move until she gets the dream job then long distance is going to be here until she does.

Lost

[Flyersfan0323]

We talked about kids and marriage. She wants all those things. I told her that I didn’t want to get engaged until we got a place together.

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Well since you cannot move it isn't what we should do it is what should she do isn't it. If you want to get married then ask her to marry you and then see what she says. 

Exactly. You are not budging and making her make all the changes and do all the work. Give up living with her parents (strange at 34, but whatever) and perhaps cut an umbilical cord she doesn't want to.

Additionally why should she make all the changes sacrifice everything. For what? A BF who lives with his parents an has made zero commitment to her?

"Talking marriage and kids" is Not commitment. It is Not an engagement, it is Not a man getting his own place for her to move into.  Or even taking one step in the right direction.

She is wise to stay put and not take risks for someone who sits in his folks home and tells her to stick her neck out and risk everything.

 You need to step up if you expect her to. BTW why are you still in medical school at 34? Most doctors are peeking in their profession at that age because they graduated medical school 10 years ago. 

Don't expect her to put you through medical school when you won't even cough up a ring.

[boltnrun]

Is she absolutely dead set on getting a VP or AD job before she's willing to get a place together?

What feedback did she get after her interviews?

[itsallgrand]

8 minutes ago, Flyersfan0323 said:

We talked about kids and marriage. She wants all those things. I told her that I didn’t want to get engaged until we got a place together.

And how does she feel about that? 

Maybe she has hesitation making a big move without the security of a serious commitment to a life together? So she wants to hedge her bets before moving by having that particular job?

 

[Flyersfan0323]

As I said she made it to the final interview each time. They would say things like… we REALLY loved you and this decision was hard for us but…..

I could get my own place, but it would still be long distance for us.

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Flyersfan0323 said:

As I said she made it to the final interview each time. They would say things like… we REALLY loved you and this decision was hard for us but…..

I could get my own place, but it would still be long distance for us.

But what? There has to have been some feedback. They would give a reason why she wasn't selected.

Is she flat out refusing to move unless and until she gets the job she wants?

[Flyersfan0323]

And how does she feel about that? 

Maybe she has hesitation making a big move without the security of a serious commitment to a life together? So she wants to hedge her bets before moving by having that particular job?
 

she said she understood where I was coming from. 

[Flyersfan0323]

But what? There has to have been some feedback. They would give a reason why she wasn't selected.

Is she flat out refusing to move unless and until she gets the job she wants?
 

pretty much, but hey. She could change her mind.

 

they would just say that the other person was more fit for the position.

[Batya33]

21 minutes ago, Flyersfan0323 said:

We talked about kids and marriage. She wants all those things. I told her that I didn’t want to get engaged until we got a place together.

So is she ok with the plan for you to test what it's like to live together before committing to her? If you both are on the same page with that, cool!

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Is she flat out refusing to move unless and until she gets the job she wants? a decent reason such as a commitment from him.

She would be a fool to upend her life for a man who refuses to do anything except park at his folks house and expect her to do all the footwork. All this with zero commitment. It has to be a bilateral effort such as he gets a place and a ring to at least show she is not a fool for moving to him.

[moodindigo91]

3 hours ago, Flyersfan0323 said:

she has applied and has had interviews in my area, so clearly she wants to move near me.

Hmmm I don't know if that is necessarily true. It seems like you're assuming a lot of things? I would talk to her about where you're going in this relationship and see if you're on the same page here, because it does seem like a bit of a power struggle situation. I can put minimal effort into something and say I'm doing it just to make someone feel better about the status quo, that doesn't mean she desires to actually make the move. It's like she is giving the illusion of being ready to move forward while not really being willing. 

[boltnrun]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She would be a fool to upend her life for a man who refuses to do anything except park at his folks house and expect her to do all the footwork. All this with zero commitment. It has to be a bilateral effort such as he gets a place and a ring to at least show she is not a fool for moving to him.

Your strike through is not what I meant or said.

How do we know she dead set on engagement before she's willing to move? Has the OP confirmed that or is that a presumption?

OP, has she said anything about wanting to be engaged before she's willing to move and share a home with you? And isn't she also "parked at her parents' home"?

[lostandhurt]

Step one move your 34 year old butt out of your parents house as soon as possible.  If your gf has any doubts I am sure dating 34 yr old that lives with mommy and daddy are one of them.

Time to step up and get out on your own and see what you are made of without the security of the nest your parents built. 

You want her to move to you then give her something to move for other than talk.

My son (22 yrs old) and i just talked for 2 hours about him moving out of my ex wife's house.  He wants out but not because there is a problem, he wants to be his own man and live his own life.  He works and goes to college but he is willing to scrimp a little to make it happen.  Mind you he is disabled and 12 years younger than you are.

Time to spread those wings and see who you really are.  If you are awesome nothing will stop her from wanting to be with you and start your lives together.

 Lost

[Batya33]

I'll add this.  I lived with my parents through grad school so I moved out when I was 28.  I don't regret it as I graduated with far fewer loans.  They loved that benefit for me, too.  I had NO CLUE how much moving out on my own would do for my personal growth.  And it also improved my relationship with my parents - it's a whole different perspective on life and this is even though I didn't have to be concerned about affording it because I could with my job (yes I paid for everything myself -my parents insisted on taking me food and supply shopping on move in day but that was it).

  I believe I was a better partner and later spouse because I lived on my own for 15 years before marrying.  I lived with my husband for a few months the first time we were engaged but otherwise lived alone and loved it.  

[Flyersfan0323]

Yes, she wants to get engaged. That’s something we both talked about. She showed me rings that she wants. We have talked about all this. As far as making an effort to work by me, she has shown it. You know how time consuming filling out application after application after application is? As well as driving an hour to actually go to interview after interview? She had an opportunity to get a position by her, but she turned it down because she wants a job by me.

[catfeeder]

I would get my own place, and if she ever wants to move in with you, she will.

I think it makes sense for her to be employed before doing that, but to insist that such a move requires a promotion rather than a lateral position--or even temp work--creates an unnecessary barrier that doesn't make any sense to me.

But that's me. 

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[boltnrun]

21 minutes ago, Flyersfan0323 said:

Yes, she wants to get engaged. That’s something we both talked about. She showed me rings that she wants. We have talked about all this. As far as making an effort to work by me, she has shown it. You know how time consuming filling out application after application after application is? As well as driving an hour to actually go to interview after interview? She had an opportunity to get a position by her, but she turned it down because she wants a job by me.

Where do you stand on getting engaged?  Did you say you won't propose until you two have lived together for a while?

If so, you two are in a standoff.

[LootieTootie]

Sounds like a standoff...

Look, one of you has to take that big step without the other. The question is who? 

You both say "I'm doing this or I'm doing that" but neither of you have made that big step to close that gap.

My husband and I started off as long distance but I told him I wasn't going to do long distance for more than a year. He straight away moved out and lived in his car for 3 months while working 2 jobs so he could save up and move to my town. If there is a will, there's a way.