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What should I do?.. or better yet what should we do?...


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My gf and I have been together for 3 years now. We do long distance. (we live an hour and 20 mins apart) She is someone that I'm considering marrying one day. After 3 years of dating and commuting to each other we decided that we want to get a place together. (we both live at home) The problem is that I'm in med school and with the new job I just got I can't move closer to her, so she would have to move closer to my area, which she doesn't mind doing because she wants to leave her job anyway. She has been applying for jobs for about a year now, but nothing has come up. My questions is should we just stick it out (long distance) until she gets a new job (who knows when that will be) or find a place where the commute to work works bout for both of us? The commute to work would be about an hour for both of us. we are both 34 and we want to get the ball rolling.....

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7 minutes ago, Flyersfan0323 said:

My gf and I have been together for 3 years now. We do long distance. we both live at home.  we are both 34 

Yes, you've both been living at home so long that you both must have some money to get a place. However you're stalling out because she does can't/won't to get a job in your area. Three years at age 34 is a long time to spin your wheels. 

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1 hour ago, Flyersfan0323 said:

My gf and I have been together for 3 years now. We do long distance. (we live an hour and 20 mins apart) She is someone that I'm considering marrying one day. After 3 years of dating and commuting to each other we decided that we want to get a place together. (we both live at home) The problem is that I'm in med school and with the new job I just got I can't move closer to her, so she would have to move closer to my area, which she doesn't mind doing because she wants to leave her job anyway. She has been applying for jobs for about a year now, but nothing has come up. My questions is should we just stick it out (long distance) until she gets a new job (who knows when that will be) or find a place where the commute to work works bout for both of us? The commute to work would be about an hour for both of us. we are both 34 and we want to get the ball rolling.....

I relocated 800 miles away for my husband's career when we were 42, newlyweds and new parents (I was then a SAHM so I wasn't employed outside the home but was until after maternity leave in my home town).  If it were me I'd have her relocate once you're engaged with a set wedding date.  Good luck with med school!  I also agree with Cherlyn.

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20 minutes ago, Flyersfan0323 said:

you had a baby at 42?  cuz that's something I was concerned about. Her being up there in age by the time she finds a job and us not being able to have kids.

I doubt it will take her 8 years to find a job.

Is her profession super specialized? Because where I live (in a major metro area) EVERYONE is hiring. If you look on Indeed there are tons of openings.

I wouldn't do the hour commute. That wears on a person. 

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She’s an English teacher. She wants to become a VP or athletic director. She doesn’t want to make a lateral move. She’s had about 6-8 interviews over the last year and has made it to the final round each time, but in the end they went with someone else.

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24 minutes ago, Flyersfan0323 said:

She’s an English teacher. She wants to become a VP or athletic director. She doesn’t want to make a lateral move. She’s had about 6-8 interviews over the last year and has made it to the final round each time, but in the end they went with someone else.

Well, then I guess you two will need to hold off until she gets that VP position if she's completely unwilling to make a lateral move to accommodate you two living together. I presume the job is her priority over living together. 

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30 minutes ago, Flyersfan0323 said:

She’s an English teacher. She wants to become a VP or athletic director

How does she plan to do that when she's working in an entirely different field?

There is probaby a good reason she not been offered a position like that, since she apparently works in an unrelated profession. It should therefore come as no surprise that she isn't having luck finding a job, if those are the ones she's applying for. Are those indeed the jobs she's striking out with? 

 

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Well like I said, she is a high school teacher with 10 years of teaching experience and other qualifications too. She also coaches soccer and track at the school. She wants to move up to be a vice principal or athletic director at a high school or middle school.

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3 minutes ago, Flyersfan0323 said:

what makes you say that?

Because she could take a lateral position and work her way into a vice principal or athletic director position, but from what you describe she isn't willing to do that. It's VP or AD or she's staying put. 

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1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Because she could take a lateral position and work her way into a vice principal or athletic director position, but from what you describe she isn't willing to do that. It's VP or AD or she's staying put. 

Its funny that you say that because her mother suggested that it may be best to make a lateral move then move up from there. Great minds think alike haha. 

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1 hour ago, Flyersfan0323 said:

you had a baby at 42?  cuz that's something I was concerned about. Her being up there in age by the time she finds a job and us not being able to have kids.

So we started trying - long distance - a couple of months before I turned 41. So it took us 15 months but not all was constant trying.  All else equal I would have loved to be in a situation where I could have started a family before late 30s because the emotional stress was really hard in a geriatric high risk pregnancy.  But my essentials were to be in a happy stable married or almost married relationship. A number of my friends had their first child or twins (we have one ) in their 40s.  All fine. And all else equal if you can swing it start earlier. 

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26 minutes ago, Flyersfan0323 said:

Well like I said, she is a high school teacher with 10 years of teaching experience and other qualifications too. She also coaches soccer and track at the school. She wants to move up to be a vice principal or athletic director at a high school or middle school.

Does she have a Masters degree? I feel like most VPs/principals have a masters degree of some sort these days. Otherwise, an athletic director position seems difficult to achieve without any prior experience. Being an English teacher is not exactly translatable. If it is, she needs to find a really clear and persuasive way to explain how it is translatable to get the job, otherwise they will almost always pick someone with the direct experience, which she lacks. Perhaps a lateral move is best, and perhaps at a new school, she should try and be very involved with the sports program there and network/lobby. If she's unwilling to do that then I'm not sure where that puts your relationship. You're 3 years in and just now discussing moving in/marriage, etc? I'd make sure you guys are on the same page about future plans. 

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33 minutes ago, Flyersfan0323 said:

Well like I said, she is a high school teacher with 10 years of teaching experience and other qualifications too. She also coaches soccer and track at the school. 

Right, but clearly something is lacking in her experience or qualifications if she keeps getting passed over after the first interview. 

Until then, if she's not willing to make a lateral  move while working to improve her professional skill set or qualifications, I think you are going to be waiting a long time for her to find work in your area. 

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How about this sort of idea if it makes sense. She moves closer to you and takes a job she is now qualified for. Then you two marry and work on starting a family.
She can then return to school for a relevant grad degree and also then have the opportunity to network with other professionals and perhaps do a related internship. Hopefully this will also jibe with your child or children being ready for pre school so she can return to outside work. Just one potential path.  

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I can tell you that lots of people commute. I have a friend that travels 100+ km every day to his work. Him and his wife live in one city and he has a very good company CEO position in another. Other friend decided to go for a factory job in a different city. Factory sends a bus for workers but the distance is far so he loses 2 hours minimum(hour in one direction and hour to get back) to that. 

What I am trying to tell you is "Where there is a will, there is a way". If you want to live with her, you can think of something out. She an commute to her job maybe. If she is inconvenient, she can do what others said and take other position until better one opens. Its more convinient for both of you to live at home probably, but if you want to live together, both of you would need to make sacrifices. 

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She does have her masters degree as well as her principal certification ( those two are needed to be a VP or AD) and to boltnrun...She doesn't wanna make a lateral move because if the school wants to start cutting jobs she would be the first to go sense she would be new. She also wants to make more money.

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1 minute ago, Flyersfan0323 said:

She does have her masters degree as well as her principal certification ( those two are needed to be a VP or AD) and to boltnrun...She doesn't wanna make a lateral move because if the school wants to start cutting jobs she would be the first to go sense she would be new. She also wants to make more money.

The truth is she doesn't want to move to your area for you. The "must move up the latter" thing is an excuse. Particularly after 3 years. Basically you're in a power struggle. If you weren't, you would be living together/married already.

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5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The truth is she doesn't want to move to your area for you. The "must move up the latter" thing is an excuse. Particularly after 3 years. Basically you're in a power struggle. If you weren't, you would be living together/married already.

she has applied and has had interviews in my area, so clearly she wants to move near me.

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40 minutes ago, Flyersfan0323 said:

She does have her masters degree as well as her principal certification ( those two are needed to be a VP or AD) and to boltnrun...She doesn't wanna make a lateral move because if the school wants to start cutting jobs she would be the first to go sense she would be new. She also wants to make more money.

There are a lot of things I want and have wanted. That doesn't mean I'll inconvenience someone I say I love or de-prioritize that person because I want something that clearly isn't in the cards for the time being.

If she's had multiple interviews and hasn't received an offer there's likely a very good reason. What was the feedback she got? She needs to consider the feedback and do whatever it is she needs to do to put herself in position to meet their qualifications.

In the meantime, is she expecting you to just be put on hold or on the back burner while she tries to get this job that she apparently isn't yet qualified for? 

As for the commute, I don't have children at home anymore and I can tell you that an hour plus commute is soul destroying. I was so anxious, so upset and so TIRED all the time because I was spending 2 1/2 hours plus each day in my car. Plus the added stress of never knowing how bad the traffic was going to be or if I would be late because there was a wreck on the freeway. And "just leave early enough to allow for traffic!" does no good because what do you do? Leave home two hours early? I absolutely hated it.

 

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4 hours ago, Flyersfan0323 said:

My gf and I have been together for 3 years now. We do long distance. (we live an hour and 20 mins apart) She is someone that I'm considering marrying one day. After 3 years of dating and commuting to each other we decided that we want to get a place together. (we both live at home) The problem is that I'm in med school and with the new job I just got I can't move closer to her, so she would have to move closer to my area, which she doesn't mind doing because she wants to leave her job anyway. She has been applying for jobs for about a year now, but nothing has come up. My questions is should we just stick it out (long distance) until she gets a new job (who knows when that will be) or find a place where the commute to work works bout for both of us? The commute to work would be about an hour for both of us. we are both 34 and we want to get the ball rolling.....

how will things get paid for if she doesn't have a job? 

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