Sticky situation with request from ex-family member

[SonicYouth]

Hi, I'd love some advice on this scenario, even though I feel like I already know the right answer. My ex-wife and I have been split up for around three and a half years. We're very amicable co-parents of our 7-year-old daughter. This post isn't about either of them.

I've maintained friendly contact with my ex's family and recently got a text from one of my ex's younger cousins (late 20s maybe?) asking if I'd be open to a call to "catch up." This cousin is very much "on the spectrum" with Asperger's syndrome and I think looks to me as something of an ally as I always engaged with his conversation and generally went out of my way to be friendly to him. Along with his issues comes many family difficulties, and he has an extremely rocky relationship with his mother to the point that he has threatened to lash out at her violently in the past. He's currently cycling through a series of short-term leases and is living off disability payments.

His call to me was not about "catching up" at all, as he asked me if I could drive a U-Haul truck for his impending move to New Jersey from North Carolina, as he doesn't have a driver's license. I do not know the details but apparently he's moving in with, or close to, his long-distance girlfriend. I feel horrible saying this, but if this was a request from a "normal" friend or family member I'd be happy to do it, knowing that they would offer to pay me and provide accommodations, meals, and the like for my troubles. As it is, this former cousin can do none of that and, due to his condition, generally doesn't have the ability to consider the needs or wants of others and other social niceties. In addition, his family situation is extremely complicated and I'd rather not get involved in a scenario where I may be seeking reimbursement from someone who can't provide it.

What this comes down to is that I truly and simply do not want to do this for a variety of reasons, related to my duties to my daughter and job and life in general, but there is not one specific thing I can't point to and say "Darn, I'm busy that weekend." I want to help people, particularly a quasi-family member whom I perceive is trying to start with a clean slate, but it feels like a huge ask and my gut feeling is "Don't do it." Am I right in listening to my feelings here, or am I a total jerk?

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, SonicYouth said:

it feels like a huge ask and my gut feeling is "Don't do it." Am I right in listening to my feelings here, or am I a total jerk?

Politely decline. He has plenty of his own family/friends to ask.. Just think of what a nightmare this trip would be.

[boltnrun]

No, you're not a jerk.

Unless you can afford to drop a few hundred on the truck rental, gas, motel rooms and food I'd politely decline. You can simply say "I'm sorry but I can't."

[DarkCh0c0]

2 minutes ago, SonicYouth said:

he asked me if I could drive a U-Haul truck for his impending move to New Jersey from North Carolina, as he doesn't have a driver's license.

He can pay a moving company.

This person only called you to ask for a favour, but you don't really owe him anything. Plus, he has red flags all over him including being a broke mooch and being disrespectful to his mom.

I would tell him you have given this a thought and that you would not be able to do this. If he asks why, you could plainly say that you don't feel good about this. He can't and shouldn't negotiate you out of your feelings. Point blank.

[Batya33]

I think you should politely decline and you owe him no reasons other than "I'm sorry I can't take on that job for you but I'm sure you'll find someone to help or a company that does this."  Then bow out.  Very bad idea for you to get involved to this extent. 

[jul-els]

I don’t think you need your gut to tell you this wouldn’t be healthy for you. You’re not obligated and are perfectly free to politely decline, which is exactly what I would do if I were to be put in the same spot.

[catfeeder]

Your gut is likely spot on. You don't need potential issues with half your child's family if this is something they wouldn't approve. 

You don't owe anyone an explanation when they've put you on the spot. A polite, "I'm not able to help, but best wishes on your move," is all I'd say. I would not respond to any further questioning about it.

[HeartGoesOn]

I would politely decline.  There are too many potential risks involved, (imo).

[MissCanuck]

No, I wouldn't go for this. 

Respectfully decline. It's an unreasonable request, and likely came to you only because others have also already said no. You don't need to offer any explanation. Simply tell him you can't do it and that's all. 

[Kwothe28]

I stopped doing favors "out of goodness of my heart" a long time ago. The reason is because most of those requests dont come from a good place at all. I dont mind not getting paid. But if I dont at least feel appreciated, what is the point? This seems like one of those requests. Where that person is just looking to take advantage of you. Without ever saying "Hi" later down the line. So just tell him you wont do it or just say that you are busy.

[Cherylyn]

Generally and in most cases, once there's a divorce,  people sever all contact with the ex's family and extended family members.  I realize this isn't the case with everyone.  However, most people I know cut it off once the divorce is official and even before that many times.  Most of the time, you're tied to the in-laws obviously through marriage and there is no more "us" post-divorce. 

Even if you were still married, it's an extreme imposition to expect you to do favors to this extent.  "Catching up" was a ruse to persuade you to agree to help your ex's cousin move hundreds or thousands of miles away plus expect you to pay for your own accommodations which is not only prohibitively expensive, it is extremely time consuming as well.  Your relationship with your ex's cousin is conditional.  He's taking advantage of your kindness and targeted your previous kindness as a source of money saving convenience for him one day.  Well, that day has arrived.  You need to learn how to say, "NO."  There is a way to decline with respect and good manners while maintaining "no means no."  Make sure to always enforce strong, healthy boundaries with others otherwise they'll always take advantage of you.  Never be known as a pushover and a doormat.

Even though you have compassion for your ex's cousin, it's his life and he's responsible for it.  You can still have compassion and pray for him.  However, it's as far as it goes and know you're realistic capacity.  Whatever your ex's cousin does, is his doing.  Learn to distance yourself from him or anyone who will use you.  Some people will base their association with you with how you can "help" and benefit them.  Other than their needs, you will serve no purpose for them whatsoever.  Users only want your time, labor and money.  They'll use and discard you like yesterday's trash.  This is human nature for those who have no qualms when doing whatever it takes to meet their own ends.  Never get involved.  Stay far away! 

Whatever problems he has is his problem and not yours.  Let him figure out what to do with his life.  Stay out of it.  He's very deceitful.  Beware.

Lacking empathy is a common trait, unfortunately.  Avoid unempathetic types like the plague.  They're nothing but trouble and will make your life a pure living hell.  Cut it off.

I wouldn't even help a "normal" friend or family member with long distance moving.  I've helped friends and family with local moving.  "Normal" friends and family don't impose on others friends or not.  If they're too cheap to hire professional movers, then it's their problem, not yours.  They need to figure it out, NOT you.

The exception is my sister who takes advantage of my brother but that's his problem because he never says 'no' to her.  He allows others to take advantage of his good heart.  His so-called devout Christian realtor friends used his free moving services and pickup truck in the past.  My sister and brother-in-law not only asked my brother to move numerous times, they use him for hard manual labor such as landscaping, installing flooring and the like.  I don't like them.  I never sponge off my brother.  I'm the only one who gives him gift cards for gas, food, take out meals, groceries and the like.  Everyone else uses him to the hilt.  He's too nice to a fault.   I wouldn't allow it if it were me or my husband.  No way.

Even if someone were to pay for my troubles, accommodations, meals, gas, etc., I would still decline my moving services just like I wouldn't take advantage of other people.  It's common sense.

When you decline, you are not required to state your reasons.  Simply text or say, "I'm sorry.  I will respectfully decline.  I wish you safe travels and wish you all the best.  Sincerely,  Your Name."  Drift apart and fade away after that.  Ghost, block and delete him otherwise you might be contacted and used in the future.

In the past, I was always in hero mode for relatives, in-laws, friends, neighbors and acquaintances.  No more.  Endless favors came and I've since learned how to politely decline.  I focus on my own life.  My husband and sons take top priority. 

Keep in mind, favors tend not to be reciprocal.  The one doing the giving ends up doing all or the majority of the giving whereas the other party just takes, takes, takes and never gives of themselves in return.  It's unfair and unbalanced.  I'm out.  I'm done. 

Don't help.  Concentrate on your and your daughter's life which takes top priority.  Always listen to your gut because it's always correct.  Your intuition is there for a reason so listen to it.  Be safe, don't travel, start with a clean slate, you are right to listen to your inner voice and feelings.  No, you're not a total jerk.  Never be a sucker.