My gf (now ex gf) didn't believe my proposal was real and broke up

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Do you really know what you did wrong?  Or are you pretending to have learned a lesson just so your girlfriend will come back to you?

This is myquestion, too.

Your behaviour is more than a little strange for an adult, OP, and you seem to be able to switch it on and off according to context (ie. work vs personal life) 

 

 

[Jakeissorry]

10 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You consider fake proposals and pretending to have Covid to be "carefree and joyful"?

Did the reactions you got from your girlfriend and others indicate they found your antics "joyful"?

You obviously know better.  Otherwise you'd be pulling pranks at work, but you know you can't get away with it there.  You seem to pull pranks on people who you think you will get a free pass from.  But as you saw, you lost the one person who you claim to love and who probably loved you until you decided potential YouTube fame or getting a good laugh was more important.

Do you really know what you did wrong?  Or are you pretending to have learned a lesson just so your girlfriend will come back to you?

Words mean nothing without action.

I'm really sorry for everything and working hard to be the man she would've wanted to marry and have kids with. As a fresh start, I'll never be late on anything. I'm going to give her roses and take her to the movies. I do understand it'll take time for her to Know I'm changing for the better, to trust me again. 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Jakeissorry said:

 I'm going to give her roses and take her to the movies.

So interesting. Abusers do stuff like that when they're frightened they'll lose their targets.

Read up on the "dark triad". It's all about switching things on and off at will Including faux remorse. It's just another tool in the sadists toolbox.

Everything is a means to and end. Everything is about you and your ego. Everything is about the next stunt you can pull off like tricking her again.

You need victims. That's the only reason you want her back. Without victims your life has no meaning and your life is no fun.

 

[Jakeissorry]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

So interesting. Abusers do stuff like that when they're frightened they'll lose their targets.

Read up on the "dark triad". It's all about switching things on and off at will Including faux remorse. It's just another tool in the sadists toolbox.

Everything is a means to and end. Everything is about you and your ego. Everything is about the next stunt you can pull off like tricking her again.

You need victims. That's the only reason you want her back. Without victims your life has no meaning and your life is no fun.

 

Why you think that? I know you don't believe me but I do mean it all, everything. There is no trick nor anything. 

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, Jakeissorry said:

 I ever have a baby girl I'll name her that. 

Same as this type of insincere flirty rubbish. You're a BS artist and proud of it. You even think you're fooling people by playing victim and with glib superficial charm. Like a grifter.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Jakeissorry said:

Why you think that? I know you don't believe me but I do mean it all, everything. There is no trick nor anything. 

It's not about flowers or date nights. It's about being someone's rock -reliability, trust, character, integrity -including in every day actions.  And to everyone -not just your partner -so your partner sees that that is the real you - a trustworthy person of character and integrity.  

Yes- flowers and trinkets and little gestures are nice but only if the foundation is what I wrote above -otherwise it's superficial stuff masking a lack of foundation.  

[Rose Mosse]

6 hours ago, Jakeissorry said:

I'm really sorry for everything and working hard to be the man she would've wanted to marry and have kids with. As a fresh start, I'll never be late on anything. I'm going to give her roses and take her to the movies. I do understand it'll take time for her to Know I'm changing for the better, to trust me again. 

See what she says this weekend and go from there. It takes two to tango. 

[boltnrun]

Buying flowers and trinkets are props.  They're stunts.  Like something from a movie or a YouTube video.

As @Batya33said, I doubt she wants shiny, pretty THINGS from you.  She wants someone who doesn't think it's funny to do things that he knows will hurt her, who doesn't poke fun at her, who doesn't treat her inconsiderately and who proves he can conduct his personal life like an adult.

I would not make today about you.  I'd make it about her.  LISTEN to what she says instead of trying to control the narrative with flowers and props.  Ask her what she's thinking and feeling and LISTEN.  Don't interrupt, don't talk over her and don't dismiss her concerns by insisting you won't do any of that anymore.  Once she's done saying what she needs to say, tell her you HEAR her and you are sincerely sorry and would like the chance to try again.  Tell her simply that you do finally realize you haven't been taking her or the relationship seriously, but she means the world to you and you'd like to have the chance to show her.  Then MEAN IT not by buying her things but by being responsible, considerate and trustworthy.  No more stunts or ideas from YouTube.

I know we've been piling on, but it's clear that you're still not understanding why she left you.  It wasn't because she wanted you to buy her flowers or an expensive diamond. She wants you to treat her with love and respect.  It's really that simple.

[Batya33]

I wanted to add -your solutions with the flowers etc - I mean -also scripted -do you have original, individually focused thoughts about your long term girlfriend? Do you think she feels known and understood by you? It's almost like you're watching some canned video "how to woo your girlfriend".  

 

[Cherylyn]

I can't speak for your girlfriend or other women. 

What I admire about my husband is his actions speak louder than words and it's not in reference to material things and gestures. 

Google "emotional intelligence."  In a nutshell,  the definition of emotional intelligence is empathy. 

Many times, it's not what you do.  It's what you don't do.  Many times,  it's not what you say or write.  It's what you don't say and write.  People remember what you don't do, don't say, don't write.  They remember your non-actions, not your actions.  They remember your restraint.  They remember your respectful boundaries with them.  They remember you didn't cross the line with them.  They remember you didn't test them sorely.  This is what impresses them more than anything else. 

Usually a lady wants a man who is normal and not out of whack.  Usually a lady wants a gracious man in her life.  Grace includes composure, class, treating everyone with respect, not goofy, not dumb, poised and exercising self control. 

Most of all, any antics are a reflection of your mind.  Change your mindset and you will intelligently think before you act and say or write anything.  Always foresee the outcome.  What's funny to you results in a disastrous outcome for others and you so be careful by not taking foolish chances and risks.  2-year olds push their limits.  As an adult, realize there will always be harsh consequences.  This is how life is whether it's your ex-girlfriend or not and whether male or female.  It's common sense.  I'm glad you've since seen the light.  It's time to grow up. 

Hope it all works out in your favor today with your ex-girlfriend while at the same time, be prepared for any scenario good, bad or indifferent. 

[SingleDrinkingDoubles]

Jake, 

Having read through this whole thread, I'm having a hard time telling if you are sincerely remorseful, as some have read your replies, or if you are a con artist or manipulator who is just trying to justify yourself to the readers on this forum. I admit, I was also dumb as a stump in my early 20s, but I am kind of aghast that you were watching Youtube prank videos and thinking 1.) that they were real? and 2.) that they would be something you would want to emulate.  I was having a hard time believing anyone could be that naive/

That said, I do have to admit that when I was younger I had a very sarcastic sense of humor and could be oblivious to how much I could hurt other people when "joking." Unlike you, since it sounds like you are professional at your job, I worked with a crew of other young people where all we did was take turns one-upping each other with zingers constantly while at work. This was fun on the surface, but it wasn't until later when I gained some maturity that I realized that, hey, maybe the person who was the target of some of my jokes didn't think I was so funny at the time.

Looking back, I'd like to thing I wasn't malicious, just oblivious to how my actions would come across to other people. In my heart, I may have thought that I really didn't mean anyone any harm, I was just going for some cheap laughs. Maybe I was just oblivious. But maybe I was also trying to crack up my friend group and make myself look "big" for a second. Which maybe isn't so different from wanting to go viral on Youtube, so I'm trying not to be too judgmental.

If you really are sincere and this was a big revelation that, hey, your jokes can hurt other people, then that's probably a lesson you needed to learn sooner rather than later. If it costs you your relationship with a good girl, that's too bad, but it should be something to help you remember this in the future.

[Jakeissorry]

The date went good and she preferred going to the park to talk about things than going to the movies. I lost track of how many times I've expressed remorse and apologized for my past actions by now. I meant it all from the heart. Once she was done stating her views, I let her know that I'm there for her and to give me this chance to start again, to show her I can be the trustful, realiable, mature man. Like mentioned, for now she just wants me to refer to her as my gf, said he still loves me but wants to feel secure. 

I'm calling the providers tomorrow, the sooner the better. Hopefully they have an appointment during the weekends. 

[catfeeder]

11 minutes ago, Jakeissorry said:

The date went good and she preferred going to the park to talk about things than going to the movies. I lost track of how many times I've expressed remorse and apologized for my past actions by now. I meant it all from the heart. Once she was done stating her views, I let her know that I'm there for her and to give me this chance to start again, to show her I can be the trustful, realiable, mature man. Like mentioned, for now she just wants me to refer to her as my gf, said he still loves me but wants to feel secure. 

I'm calling the providers tomorrow, the sooner the better. Hopefully they have an appointment during the weekends. 

Great news, and thanks for letting us know!

You're getting your chance, and I hope you do well.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Jakeissorry said:

I'm calling the providers tomorrow, the sooner the better. Hopefully they have an appointment during the weekends. 

What does this mean? Did she tell you to "get help"? 

This sounds like more stunts to win your game. You don't love this young woman, you love winning through deceptive tactics, faux emotions, crocodile tears etc.

All the providers and therapists in the world can not make someone have empathy. 

If you want to be the next tiktok/youtube star, why aren't YOU the butt of your "jokes'? 

Oh that's right. It's only funny when you hurt someone.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Jakeissorry said:

The date went good and she preferred going to the park to talk about things than going to the movies. I lost track of how many times I've expressed remorse and apologized for my past actions by now. I meant it all from the heart. Once she was done stating her views, I let her know that I'm there for her and to give me this chance to start again, to show her I can be the trustful, realiable, mature man. Like mentioned, for now she just wants me to refer to her as my gf, said he still loves me but wants to feel secure. 

I'm calling the providers tomorrow, the sooner the better. Hopefully they have an appointment during the weekends. 

It's not about repeating apologies -at some point that's for you not for her.  She doesn't trust you and is willing to be your girlfriend meaning she won't be looking to date others for now.

That is so great that you're going to seek out counseling -good for you!! Great first step.  

[gamon]

Go easy on the promises and apologies, after a while it comes across more like you're trying a bit too hard.

Let your actions show that you're serious about making the necessary changes.

 

[Lambert]

After reading this thread and the advice and insights given, I think there is one other aspect to consider.

What is it was happening in your relationship that for 2 years, you were shocked to learn how your gf felt? 

I think some introspection is needed here. Its not just late bills, pranks... You've been with this woman for two years.  What have you put into the relationship? to understand her? It can't have been much, to be on such polar opposite ends of the spectrum:  you want marriage, she wants to break up. 

it's sad to respond to a proposal with "keep the ring, ask me in a year". It's basically a no. but it shows she also lacks some maturity. 

I think instead of focusing on superficial things like roses and such, you should be focusing on what's real. Like you're ability to communicate together, to be vulnerable with each other, and build on those things. 

Roses etc are great when there no reason other than thoughts and love. Not so much as an attempt to repair real pain and hurt.

You're better off ending this relationship and working on yourself. See what happens in the future.  

Work on what you offer your relationships that don't have a price tag. That's what important 

[Cherylyn]

She is giving you A LOT by giving you permission to refer to her as your girlfriend.  Be grateful for what she is willing to give you which is above and beyond of her.  Most women wouldn't give you the time of day.  You are extremely blessed to have her in your life after she endured everything you've dragged her through.  And, she still loves you!  This is your only and last chance to do right by her.

Actions speak louder than words.  Prove to her that you are indeed a PERMANENTLY changed man.  Be a moral man and then healing can take place.  Hope all goes well with the providers. 

[Jakeissorry]

On 9/19/2022 at 2:18 AM, Wiseman2 said:

What does this mean? Did she tell you to "get help"? 

No. I'm getting help on my own. 

[Jakeissorry]

On 9/19/2022 at 11:34 AM, Lambert said:

What is it was happening in your relationship that for 2 years, you were shocked to learn how your gf felt? 

I think some introspection is needed here. Its not just late bills, pranks... You've been with this woman for two years.  What have you put into the relationship? to understand her? It can't have been much, to be on such polar opposite ends of the spectrum:  you want marriage, she wants to break up. 

it's sad to respond to a proposal with "keep the ring, ask me in a year". It's basically a no. but it shows she also lacks some maturity. 

I think instead of focusing on superficial things like roses and such, you should be focusing on what's real. Like you're ability to communicate together, to be vulnerable with each other, and build on those things. 

Roses etc are great when there no reason other than thoughts and love. Not so much as an attempt to repair real pain and hurt.

You're better off ending this relationship and working on yourself. See what happens in the future.  

Work on what you offer your relationships that don't have a price tag. That's what important 

Lambert I was given this chance to work on the relationship so this is what I'm doing. In the past (after I did the prank), I was trying to make it up to her by showering her with gift from time to time and yes I was missing the point. She felt insecure for the longest but it's only recently when we spoke that she expressed it all. It's all about communication. It helps see where I went wrong and what are the steps to improve it. 

At the same time, I have to work on myself too. It's a process. I have an appointment set up for Saturday Oct 3rd.

[Cherylyn]

Kudos to you, Jake for getting help on your own.

A lot of people make interactions more complicated than it needs to be.  I can't speak for everyone.  However, it's quite simplistic for me.  All I want is to be treated with kindness,  self control,  poise, utmost respect, common courtesy and common decency.   I know it's a tall order but that's all I want.  If I'm not treated well,  I lose interest in certain people very quickly.  If this level of consideration isn't reciprocal, I'm wasting my time, energy and resources on people who don't think I matter very much.  I don't like them anymore and if I can't even like them, I certainly don't love them anymore either.  Something inside me got up and left and died.  Suddenly,  I've lost my enthusiasm.  I no longer desire to have anything to do with them whether it's to see them in person, contact them via text, emails, messages, social media, phone chats nor voicemails.  It's "crickets" from me.  Silence.  I'm out.  And, I'm not coming back.  It's over.  Finito.

[Jakeissorry]

 

On 9/19/2022 at 3:06 PM, Cherylyn said:

She is giving you A LOT by giving you permission to refer to her as your girlfriend.  Be grateful for what she is willing to give you which is above and beyond of her.  Most women wouldn't give you the time of day.  You are extremely blessed to have her in your life after she endured everything you've dragged her through.  And, she still loves you!  This is your only and last chance to do right by her.

Actions speak louder than words.  Prove to her that you are indeed a PERMANENTLY changed man.  Be a moral man and then healing can take place.  Hope all goes well with the providers. 

Yes Cherylyn I feel blessed and lucky to have this chance. For the meantime the appointments with 3 closest providers all land on the weekdays in the mornings and afternoons. I found one for Satuday Oct 3rd. It's about an hour away, farther but ok. That's the one I'm going to. 

I'm going to take a break from here and coming back later on to update you all. Thank you all.

 

[Cherylyn]

Yes, communication is important while keeping in mind, it has to be kind, very considerate communication always; not dumb, goofy, silly communication.  It should always be respectful and gracious.  If you remain consistent with intelligent communication, you will be on your way to a bright future, Jake. 

I commend you for changing for the better and your self-improvement.  You are remorseful, humble to admit fault, apologized sincerely and seriously want to be a better man, a moral man.  You are on the road to success. 

There are countless people in my life who are the complete opposite of you.  They never grew up and truly hopeless causes.  I've since left them.  You can't fix stupid.

[Lambert]

11 hours ago, Jakeissorry said:

Lambert I was given this chance to work on the relationship so this is what I'm doing. In the past (after I did the prank), I was trying to make it up to her by showering her with gift from time to time and yes I was missing the point. She felt insecure for the longest but it's only recently when we spoke that she expressed it all. It's all about communication. It helps see where I went wrong and what are the steps to improve it. 

At the same time, I have to work on myself too. It's a process. I have an appointment set up for Saturday Oct 3rd.

Always remember it takes two.

Sure. You screwed up... but! for whatever reason she chose to forgive and continue.

It's on her to express her needs to you. Just as it is on you to express yours to her. Only once needs are known can they be met. Love does not make you a mind reader. 

It's not fair for her to say she forgives, but continues to hold it against you. That's what she needs to work on.  It's not just you.  You can't do it alone. 

My point, which I think you are missing is this- at this point neither of you are ready to be married. Furthermore, you may find you two are incompatible because frankly, you've been together for 2 years but don't really know each other.