Am I the issue or is the relationship just not right?

[Rose235]

Hi all,  

I'm posting here because I have nobody else to talk to this about.  I've been with my partner for nearly 4 years and we live separately. From the beginning of the relationship I felt something was off,  I didn't have butterflies or get really excited to spend time with him. 

My relationship before this was very intense and to be honest quite toxic. He was my first love and the final straw was that I found out he'd cheated on me with multiple people.  2 years after that relationship I met my current partner and I blamed the lack of butterflies etc on the fact that I now had my guard up. 

As the relationship went I on I thought we matched in certain aspects, he made me laugh, he was affectionate and sweet... I liked him but I didn't have any strong feelings about him.....until he started to say sexual things about other women and I became jealous, he made jokes about my appearance and I became insecure around him......i told him how those things made me feel and he apologised and stopped but after this I thought if he made me feel jealous and insecure then I must love the guy right?  

I know it's a messed up way of thinking but I grew up with parents who have a bad relationship and then my first real experience of love and relationships was a roller coater of seeking his validation,  being cast away and then manipulated back into being with him because he'd threaten suicide.  

But here I am nearly 4 years later still unsure if i actually even love my current partner and I can't decide if it's because he's just not for me or because I'm only used to toxic relationships.  

I don't have much of emotional connection with him, I find conversations difficult with him and there's just no communication or compromise in the relationship.  On the flip side he does make laugh,  we want similar things for our future, share some similar interests, I feel comfortable being around him without makeup and doing silly childish things or cracking dirty jokes.  I also get on well with his friends and family so walking away from all of that only to find out Ive left a good partner because I just have some unresolved issues is something I'm really worrying about.  

I'm sorry for this long essay and if it doesn't all make sense but I just need some advice from others who've been in a similar situation. 

[boltnrun]

Have you considered talking to a therapist or counselor just to try to get your thoughts and feelings more clear?

[Rose Mosse]

55 minutes ago, Rose235 said:

I don't have much of emotional connection with him, I find conversations difficult with him and there's just no communication or compromise in the relationship. 

That’s good that he stopped the childish behaviour making comments about other women and commentary about your looks. Can you elaborate a bit more on the part above? 

What are the disagreements about where there’s no compromise?

[Cherylyn]

I wouldn't be too alarmed regarding the lack of butterflies because butterfly feelings fly away.  Concentrate on what's enduring and what you value in personality and character because nothing else truly matters.

I'm sorry about your ex cheating on you.  Hopefully, you can leave it in the past.

I'd be alarmed about your current partner saying sexual things about other women because it's abnormal to blurt this out.  It's a reflection of his mind not being on you.  He made jokes about your appearance which is yet another red flag.  His obnoxiously rude behavior is growing old very fast. 

Since he apologized to you, hopefully he won't repeat these snide comments to you.  Only time will tell.  It's difficult if not impossible to trust a man who doesn't behave honorably. 

I'm sorry about your parents' negative influence due to their bad relationship and manipulation by your ex. 

If you're unsure if you actually love your current partner, then you're not in love because if you're in love, you would know that he was "thee one."  You need to ask yourself if your current partner is good enough for you?  Are you comparing him to your parents' bad relationship and your ex partner?  He is his own person.  Either accept him the way he is or decide whether or not he's worth remaining in your life.

You don't have much emotional connection and conversations with him are difficult.  Unless both of you see a psychologist or therapist, this lack of emotional connection and difficult conversations with him will continue to be problematic.  Do something about it to fix this or nothing will change for the better. 

It's good that he makes you laugh, both of you have similar goals for the future, share similar interests, you are compatible with his family and friends and you feel comfortable around him without makeup.  However, does the good outweigh the bad or does the bad outweigh the good?  Ask yourself these questions and there is your answer.

I'm happily married and I highly doubt that my marriage would survive without emotional connection and productive conversations.  I know for a fact that I would never tolerate my husband making jokes about my appearance and sexual comments about other women even with an apology because it shouldn't be an issue in the first place but that's just me and I'm not you. 

There's nothing wrong with setting your standards very high in a man.  There is also nothing wrong with being extremely picky and choosy.  Never settle for mediocrity.  It's better to be alone than unhappy with the wrong person in your life. 

My mother is a classic example.  She settled for less than mediocrity.  She became stuck with the wrong husband for several decades.  She suffered a lot and to this day, she is quite bitter and resentful.  It was a relief when my late father passed away.  My mother is finally at peace.  She is strong and economically independent.  Despite my mother's poor choice in a man, I took it as a very harsh lesson learned.  I vowed never to make her mistake and I've since kept my promise.  Never allow your past to haunt you by dictating your current decisions.  If anything, bad experiences teach you to no longer be naive.  Consider it learning the hard way and wisdom gained.   Make wise choices forever otherwise you will live to regret it. 

 

 

 

[catfeeder]

You don't need to build a case if you're not happy and fulfilled in a given relationship. There are no judges or juries, and nobody else is living your love life for you--so nobody else gets a vote.

You also don't need to sell the guy on accepting a breakup, and you don't need a 'good enough' reason beyond this not working for you.

The only thing you need to privately consider is whether spending your future with this man makes you happy or miserable.

If it's somewhere in between, I agree with the suggestion for counseling to help you figure out where you stand.

The only consideration that's important is whether this relationship is right for YOU. Anything beyond that is irrelevant and is just noise.

Head high and don't judge yourself harshly. Breakups happen every day, and they're about carving new beginnings, not just about an ending.

[Kwothe28]

People who got used to bad treatment in a relationship, seek that bad treatment in the next one and see it as a positive. For example you didnt see him being affectionate as a positive aspect for something more and that there is something there. But because you were cheated in last relationship, him mentioning other women(not appropriate btw) and him teasing you about looks, made you feel insecure and wanting to prove yourself to him. That made you feel there is something more there.

As for rest, if you dont feel there is something more after 4 years, there likely isnt. In 4 years, even after passion is not there, you should at least have some kind of connection with him. And you cant even communicate properly with him or make a compromise in a relationship. You should ask yourself if its really worth it to sustain something like that. And are you really willing to live with somebody like that your entire life? If the answer is "No", then you should seek somebody else. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Rose235 said:

 I thought if he made me feel jealous and insecure then I must love the guy right?  

 I feel comfortable being around him without makeup and doing silly childish things or cracking dirty jokes.

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? You seem to have insight that you're just killing time and 4 years is a long time to hang around as buddies. 

You also seem to have insight that jealousy and not wearing makeup are not criteria for a viable relationship.

You seem to be using him as a security blanket. Like a male-girlfriend. Not like a BF you're actually attracted to or respect.

Do you work? Go to school? Live at home? Why don't you have friends or family you can confide in?

Unfortunately you're the issue. You'll have to figure out why you're choosing bad relationships.

 

[MissCanuck]

You're the issue in the sense that you have stuck around in a relationship that clearly isn't making you happy. 

Time to do what you should have done a while ago, and get out of this. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You're the issue in the sense that you have stuck around in a relationship that clearly isn't making you happy. 

Time to do what you should have done a while ago, and get out of this. 

Yes. I think the initial strong spark is essential.  I think the strong spark can fade or morph over time and the strong spark over time should be based on something really solid -on a true healtfhul foundation of love and caring and thoughtfulness and passion - so that even if the initial spark fades the spark can be revived and not based on jealousy or insecurity - on love, on commitment, on caring.  It's not just about butterflies or infatuation -without that click, pull, glue, chemistry -whatever - you have nothing to fall back on during ho hum times.  You only want him when you think he's unavailable or pulling away. That's not a spark, that's not love, that's not commitment.

I agree with the above and with Catfeeder's post.

[Cherylyn]

Your past bad experiences gave you low self esteem so you think that your current partner is all that you deserve.  My mother was the same way so she ended up with a dud reminiscent of bad relatives in her life before she met my late father.  You don't have to be similar to my mother. 

You have choices.  It's better to have doubts now because it's a warning not to prolong a questionable relationship for another 4 years or more. 

Many times it doesn't matter how good a person is in some areas if you have to tolerate major concerns which IMHO is far worse. 

My sister is married to a guy with great big blue eyes and he's a great financial provider for her and their three children.  They reside in a very expensive house and their affluent lifestyle affords them a seemingly comfortable life ~ until you dig deeper. 😧 She has everyone fooled as looks can be so deceiving.  Only my husband, brother, mother and I know the real dirt.  

My BIL (brother-in-law - my sister's husband) is some piece of work. 🥵 He has a major 'mouth problem.'  He's insanely jealous whenever his wife (my sister) pays attention to anyone else but him.  Should she temporarily divert her attention away from him onto others during conversations, he deliberately interrupts her or says something obnoxiously rude to whoever is in her company at the moment.  This chronic, sick habit of his has been ongoing forever and he'll never change.  She puts up and shuts up because she's certainly not going to jeopardize her meal ticket as money talks.  He's very manipulative and she will always defend and prioritize her marriage above all else.  She's miserable and her opinion is:  "Well, I'll take his _______ because everything else about him is good regarding a well-to-do life."  In other words, she has to sell her soul in order to be married even though it's to the wrong man.  Granted, your story is not the same but the lesson is not to accept a man with major defects and flaws in the first place otherwise you'll be miserable for years.  It's a terrible price to pay and comes at such a dear cost.  It's a tremendous mistake to overlook "small" problems which will morph into huge unchangeable problems long term.  Think long and hard before you're hosed.  Don't end up like a depressing country ballad. 

Set yourself up for a bright future.  Never be stuck with a man whom you'll be miserable with. 

[smackie9]

Have you tried getting out of this rut by suggesting trying new things? Like taking up a new hobby together, or refresh your date nights with dancing, a cooking class, take a weekend trip somewhere?

Basically that's what you both need to do to form connection for the long haul...find some passions together, bring new things to the relationship, make a life outside the relationship too with new friends, hobbies, etc.

[jul-els]

All relationships have good and bad qualities. If the bad parts are toxic or abusive, it’s not the right relationship for you. If they’re not then you have to make an honest assessment if the good outweighs the bad, or if there are things you know you can’t accept.

If the good outweighs the bad and you’re happy being with the person, then you are in a good place.

Ultimately you have to be honest with yourself about whether or not it’s a place that’s healthy and good for you and in which you wish to remain or not. It’s about your happiness, which only you have any knowledge of or control over.

Fear of change is not a good reason to stay, but any reason that you feel is valid to leave, is valid. You are the sole owner of your destiny. 

[Cherylyn]

On 8/28/2022 at 5:44 PM, Rose235 said:

 

I don't have much of emotional connection with him, I find conversations difficult with him and there's just no communication or compromise in the relationship. 

 

^^^^^^^^^^  This is a real deal breaker.  ☹️  You are wasting your time and energy on him.

[quark]

If after 4 years, you are still unsure if you love him, I think it's safe to say it's not gonna happen.  Feelings of insecurity and jealousy are a natural reaction to being hurt and not an indication of love.  Sorry, girl.  Find someone who makes your heart flutter.