Overcoming porn addiction?

[metalfantom]

21 hours ago, Tinydance said:

What I think the real problem is, is your extremely low self-esteem and self worth. I think this is why you watch this type of porn where women cheat on their partner with a "hotter" guy. You're always trying to prove to yourself and others that the reason why apparently your life is so hard is because you're not an "attractive" guy.

This is why you're always turning to this kind of porn. I don't think it's a problem to watch porn occasionally but clearly this particular themed porn really upsets you. You could be watching literally any other type of porn but this is what you choose because of your psychological struggles.

Again I want to say that I personally don't think that women only go for attractive guys. This is probably mostly because most people are just average. Most women are average and they know they're not just going to get some Brad Pitt or George Clooney. Most people have a realistic expectation of who they're going to date and are just looking for someone they really like and they have a good connection with them. As well as common interests and values. You are making women out to be completely shallow without any actual thoughts or feelings and driven only by looks. There is also a lot more proof that women are with all kinds of guys and all you need to do is look around you and see the actual real life couples.

Just on this note, it's not exclusively men who are "hotter" but a lot of the storylines usually centre around the girl being sexually unsatisfied with her current bf. She ends up cheating on him with someone more exciting and better at sex.

So, it's not just the attraction angle, but sexual inadequacy too. I could very easily picture myself as one of those guys who gets cheated on, or just someone too inferior to attract a gf in the first place.

Is it better to discuss these kinds of issues with a male or female therapist? Does it make much difference?

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, metalfantom said:

Just on this note, it's not exclusively men who are "hotter" but a lot of the storylines usually centre around the girl being sexually unsatisfied with her current bf. She ends up cheating on him with someone more exciting and better at sex.

So, it's not just the attraction angle, but sexual inadequacy too. I could very easily picture myself as one of those guys who gets cheated on, or just someone too inferior to attract a gf in the first place.

Is it better to discuss these kinds of issues with a male or female therapist? Does it make much difference?

Depends on which you'd feel more comfortable with. If you might be more inclined to play the 'good patient' with either sex, that's a waste of your time and money. (I know, I did this. )

Work with someone you can respect but won't mind shocking or offending. You probably can't do either with a good provider, so lean in.

[Batya33]

Just -personally -I don't relate to this theme you describe of a woman cheating on her boyfriend for someone who is "better" at sex - how does that even work -so the unsatisfied woman goes out trolling for a guy who she thinks would be better at sex and tests him out? For me personally sexual satisfaction was intertwined with the chemistry, passion, and our commitment and love -not technique.  Not looks either - chemistry which is not the same as looks.  I felt the most satisfied when I was engaged to be married and when we were trying to conceive -that was really fun, too most of the time.  So this whole theme of a woman seeking other partners because she thinks someone else might be better looking? Better at sex? That's really odd IMHO -not a real life scenario.

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Just -personally -I don't relate to this theme you describe of a woman cheating on her boyfriend for someone who is "better" at sex - how does that even work -so the unsatisfied woman goes out trolling for a guy who she thinks would be better at sex and tests him out? For me personally sexual satisfaction was intertwined with the chemistry, passion, and our commitment and love -not technique.  Not looks either - chemistry which is not the same as looks.  I felt the most satisfied when I was engaged to be married and when we were trying to conceive -that was really fun, too most of the time.  So this whole theme of a woman seeking other partners because she thinks someone else might be better looking? Better at sex? That's really odd IMHO -not a real life scenario.

Yeah and a lot of porn is very fake scenarios or things that are quite uncommon. Like teacher/student sex, mother/son sex. I'm sure it can happen but most teachers don't sleep with their students or parents with their child. 

Also this notion that someone is "better" at sex is a bit convoluted and I agree with what you said. Someone can technically be good at sex from a physical perspective but if you're just not into that person and no chemistry then the sex isn't great. Usually sex is good with someone you really like and have a connection with. And if there's any trouble you can discuss it with them and try to work on it.

Some porn themes are also degrading so it's not surprising OP feels bad watching this type of porn.

[jul-els]

There’s only one way to quit and that’s to stop. Simple, but not easy. But if you want to quit, that’s what you have to do. It’s just a matter of how much you want to. 

[metalfantom]

12 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Just -personally -I don't relate to this theme you describe of a woman cheating on her boyfriend for someone who is "better" at sex - how does that even work -so the unsatisfied woman goes out trolling for a guy who she thinks would be better at sex and tests him out? For me personally sexual satisfaction was intertwined with the chemistry, passion, and our commitment and love -not technique.  Not looks either - chemistry which is not the same as looks.  I felt the most satisfied when I was engaged to be married and when we were trying to conceive -that was really fun, too most of the time.  So this whole theme of a woman seeking other partners because she thinks someone else might be better looking? Better at sex? That's really odd IMHO -not a real life scenario.

To clarify, the scenario is a "casting" one where the women are auditioning to do adult modelling. They ask them questions, about their relationships etc. And usually the girl will mention her current bf, that he's not quite doing it for her. Then she'll end up being talked into having sex with the guy interviewing her, and she'll respond to how much better he is than her bf. 

[Tinydance]

7 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

To clarify, the scenario is a "casting" one where the women are auditioning to do adult modelling. They ask them questions, about their relationships etc. And usually the girl will mention her current bf, that he's not quite doing it for her. Then she'll end up being talked into having sex with the guy interviewing her, and she'll respond to how much better he is than her bf. 

Lol Sorry but this is funny! Like, every woman auditioning for modelling saying that some random guy is better than her ACTUAL boyfriend. I'm sure it happens all the time (not).

[MissCanuck]

I do hope you realize these "casting" scenarios are just as scripted and contrived as every other porn, OP. 

Regardless, a good therapist can get at the root of your low self-worth and feelings of insecurity. That seems to be what is driving this addicition, rather than the porn itself. 

 

[boltnrun]

You feel rage toward couples, you believe you're hopelessly unattractive and you believe you're addicted to porn. These issues point clearly to therapy being the right path. You can search for a therapist that specializes in self image issues. Most professionals list their areas of specialty in their profiles. For example, I suffered from debilitating anxiety so I chose a psychologist who specializes in anxiety disorders.

A lot of people have suggested therapy but you always kind of gloss over or ignore the suggestion. Are you interested in giving therapy a try?

[metalfantom]

5 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Lol Sorry but this is funny! Like, every woman auditioning for modelling saying that some random guy is better than her ACTUAL boyfriend. I'm sure it happens all the time (not).

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I do hope you realize these "casting" scenarios are just as scripted and contrived as every other porn, OP. 

Regardless, a good therapist can get at the root of your low self-worth and feelings of insecurity. That seems to be what is driving this addicition, rather than the porn itself. 

 

Of course I know the plot is a load of baloney 😂 Give me some credit.

But unfortunately people do cheat on their partners when someone better comes along. And the list of people better than me is a never-ending one.

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

You feel rage toward couples, you believe you're hopelessly unattractive and you believe you're addicted to porn. These issues point clearly to therapy being the right path. You can search for a therapist that specializes in self image issues. Most professionals list their areas of specialty in their profiles. For example, I suffered from debilitating anxiety so I chose a psychologist who specializes in anxiety disorders.

A lot of people have suggested therapy but you always kind of gloss over or ignore the suggestion. Are you interested in giving therapy a try?

Opening up to a complete stranger about all your insecurities isn't easy, especially when you're as effed up as I am. And then if it doesn't work out, you gotta repeat the process all over again with another stranger until you click with the right one. It's a daunting prospect. 

[boltnrun]

14 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

Of course I know the plot is a load of baloney 😂 Give me some credit.

But unfortunately people do cheat on their partners when someone better comes along. And the list of people better than me is a never-ending one.

Opening up to a complete stranger about all your insecurities isn't easy, especially when you're as effed up as I am. And then if it doesn't work out, you gotta repeat the process all over again with another stranger until you click with the right one. It's a daunting prospect. 

I find it easier to open up to a "complete stranger". They don't know me, they don't know my friends or family and they don't have any investment in my life. They are paid to give me their expertise.

Of course, one could think of a lot of "reasons" why therapy "wouldn't work", primarily because it's easier to just keep doing what they've been doing.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, metalfantom said:

But unfortunately people do cheat on their partners when someone better comes along. And the list of people better than me is a never-ending one

I don't think that's typical.  I think what is typical is that someone whose values justify cheating keep their options open -whether overtly or a little bit subconsciously and often it's not someone "better" in any objective sense - very often it's simply someone who pays attention to the person who already is unhappy and who believes it's ok to cheat rather than end things with their partner first if unhappy.  Yes sometimes the person is a better match (which doesn't mean the person is better looking -often has zero to do with it) - but I don't buy the "I never imagined cheating on my partner until he came along."  Most of the time that's a load of whatever.

 

[metalfantom]

5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Of course, one could think of a lot of "reasons" why therapy "wouldn't work", primarily because it's easier to just keep doing what they've been doing.

I will look into seeing a therapist. Although money is tight right now, and I'm undecided whether to see a male or female therapist. The majority of therapists appear to be women.

[MissCanuck]

12 hours ago, metalfantom said:

Opening up to a complete stranger about all your insecurities isn't easy, especially when you're as effed up as I am.

No, it's not easy. But that doesn't mean it's not worth it. 

Because what is the alternative? You are obviously unhappy with your life as it is. It is up to you to do the heavy lifting to start making changes. 

[boltnrun]

6 hours ago, metalfantom said:

I will look into seeing a therapist. Although money is tight right now, and I'm undecided whether to see a male or female therapist. The majority of therapists appear to be women.

But might it be a good idea to get a female perspective? 

You seem to regard women as some unattainable longing you'll never achieve. Having a good rapport with a woman even in a professional setting might be a great way to learn how to interact with women you encounter in your life.

[poorlittlefish]

14 hours ago, metalfantom said:

Opening up to a complete stranger about all your insecurities isn't easy, especially when you're as effed up as I am. And then if it doesn't work out, you gotta repeat the process all over again with another stranger until you click with the right one. It's a daunting prospect. 

Yes, but it's literally what they are paid to do and what they have chosen to do as a career.  They will have heard just about anything and everything.  You think you're effed up, but isn't that the reason why most people end up in therapy?  Therapists are used to helping effed up people, so don't use that as an excuse.

My problems have been with body image and I was horrified to be assigned a male therapist, but he was able to give me a different perspective.  It actually made a positive change to speak with someone whose world view was different to mine, simply because they are the opposite sex.

The longer you spent time on here, complaining about your problems but not accepting any of the advice or doing anything to address them, the longer you will remain unhappy.  You are in a vicious circle that you can break free from only by getting professional help.

[metalfantom]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

But might it be a good idea to get a female perspective? 

You seem to regard women as some unattainable longing you'll never achieve. Having a good rapport with a woman even in a professional setting might be a great way to learn how to interact with women you encounter in your life.

I think it's six of one and half a dozen of the other. A female therapist may be less intimidating and offer a different perspective, whereas a male therapist may be able to relate more intuitively with what I'm going through. Also, patients have to be careful of transference when seeing a therapist of the opposite sex.

Besides, a therapist can't change human nature or external reality. They can only work with what they've got. Let's say they see a physically abnormal, socially inept person well past their formative years. You honestly think they're going to transform them into a functioning member of society?

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

think it's six of one and half a dozen of the other. A female therapist may be less intimidating and offer a different perspective, whereas a male therapist may be able to relate more intuitively with what I'm going through. Also, patients have to be careful of transference when seeing a therapist of the opposite sex.

Besides, a therapist can't change human nature or external reality. They can only work with what they've got. Let's say they see a physically abnormal, socially inept person well past their formative years. You honestly think they're going to transform them into a functioning member of society?

I think you're making a lot of assumptions here.  Female therapists are not necessarily going to be less intimidating.  It's an individual thing but also a professional thing - a person who is let's say very assertive in real life might choose to modify approaches/behavior for his or her professional life that includes interacting with clients or customers.  Especially therapists. 

Whoever would tell you a therapist can change human nature or external reality? I'd never ever go to any professional who had those sorts of claims.  My financial advisor who is a professional with decades of experience called me for my annual review of my portfolio.  We talked candidly about how I was doing given inflation, all that is going on.  It's like me saying to him "who cares about inflation - you're the professional and you're supposed to transform my portfolio into something that is growing at X percent despite inflation -who cares if I'm doing better than average under the circumstances -you're supposed to change external reality or you're not doing your job!"  No - he works with realistic perspectives. 

So do therapists I suppose (I am not one, do not have one, know and know of many).  A therapist cannot transform anyone.  A therapist cannot promise that his or her patient will become a "functioning member of society" (is that even a thing -with a professional definition? Doubt it). A therapist can be a facilitator -using his or her professional experience, background, tools, to guide his or her patient to making different choices, perhaps shifting his or her perspective and that therapist is not related to or friends with the patient so there's also professional objectivity.  The patient does the work.  With the therapist as his/her guide, facilitator, perhaps even sounding board at times. 

I have friends who have children with autism -who are on the spectrum and with the guidance of various types of therapists I've seen these children grow into older kids/teenagers who have skills -including social skills -that help them function and better than function.  For example. 

My father suffered from bipolar depression most of his life.  He married my mother who is an awesomely incredible human being, had a successful career, raised two children and a cat, and a big part of this is he committed to seeing a therapist most of his life and also committed to a medication regimen.  He was a "functioning member of society" despite his immense challenges.  He didn't date much because he met my mom when he was 19 but he had friends and tried his best to be a good husband and father. His best -meaning far from perfect -it was really difficult at times. 

But yes it is more than possible.  Good luck and I hope you stop getting in your own way.  I got in my own way for years in other ways and was just darn lucky to wake up and smell the coffee before it was too late to meet my personal goals of marriage and family. 

[Jibralta]

On 8/17/2022 at 6:11 AM, metalfantom said:

As someone who is unworthy/undeserving/undesirable when it comes to sex, I watch a lot of porn that usually involves girls cheating on their boyfriends with better looking/better "equipped" guys. Obviously it's all pretend but hey. It feeds my masochistic side, until the deed is done and I feel 100x worse than when I started. Rinse repeat.

Your tendency to ruminate and trap yourself into specific scenarios makes me think that you should do some research on emotional addiction. Different emotions sometimes light up the same areas of the brain. So, one thing that makes you angry can give you the same 'rise' as another thing that makes you aroused. You might be addicted to that rise you get.

[metalfantom]

46 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Whoever would tell you a therapist can change human nature or external reality? I'd never ever go to any professional who had those sorts of claims. 

I believe you missed the point I was making.

Obviously, a therapist cannot change either of those things, so what's the point of someone like me going to see one? They're not miracle workers. Some people are just irreparably broken.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

I believe you missed the point I was making.

Obviously, a therapist cannot change either of those things, so what's the point of someone like me going to see one? They're not miracle workers. Some people are just irreparably broken.

No you confirmed that you missed the point.  Or perhaps you are choosing to miss the point because it's easier than making an effort.  All the best and good luck to you.

[metalfantom]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No you confirmed that you missed the point.  Or perhaps you are choosing to miss the point because it's easier than making an effort.  All the best and good luck to you.

Amazing how complete and total strangers think they know what you're capable of better than you do.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

Amazing how complete and total strangers think they know what you're capable of better than you do.

Oh I don't know any such thing nor have I seen anyone else on this thread even suggest that.  What an odd comment!!!.  I see what your agenda is though in "asking for advice." So I'm out and good luck as I wrote above.

[metalfantom]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Oh I don't know any such thing nor have I seen anyone else on this thread even suggest that.  What an odd comment!!!.  I see what your agenda is though in "asking for advice." So I'm out and good luck as I wrote above.

No agenda, I simply see therapy pushed a lot online when people don't think of its implications. Before I bare my soul to a random stranger, who's going to pretend to care in exchange for money, I want to make sure it's the right move.

[Wiseman2]

There's actually no such thing as "porn addiction". It's compulsive masturbation. Porn is the means to an end.  Compulsive masturbation is common in captive animals experiencing stress and anxiety.

Quote

Lots of animals masturbate, but none with the intensity and ejaculation frequency of human males—except when in captivity (according to Leonard Shlain, MD).