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Overcoming porn addiction?


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As someone who is unworthy/undeserving/undesirable when it comes to sex, I watch a lot of porn that usually involves girls cheating on their boyfriends with better looking/better "equipped" guys. Obviously it's all pretend but hey. It feeds my masochistic side, until the deed is done and I feel 100x worse than when I started. Rinse repeat.

What is the best way of quitting? I've tried in the past but it's all too easy to relapse. I've done the whole installing porn blockers thing. They're too easy to workaround. Like any addiction, if you want your fix, you'll find it one way or another.

I'm not sure else I can do. I am not happy like this. 

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You're so lucky to live in a world where there are so many online therapy options and also books that help with overcoming addictions or near addictions.  I would google those resources and act on the ones that make most sense to you.

The rest of what you wrote I have no response as I sense it's more about venting/expressing how sorry you feel for yourself than actually wanting a stranger to tell you know  you're wrong, you're deserving, etc - waste of time to take that approach IMHO.  

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31 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

You could apply that to just about every problem that's posted on here. Should we shutdown the site?

That's true.   The advice given for most problems is generally well known, well discussed and readily available. 

But it requires effort and work to seek, gain, and put into action.  

If you're going to challenge the people that try to help you, encourage you to stop making excuses for yourself and feeling sorry for yourself, then why post? 

Serious question there. 

The beauty of advice is you can choose to take it or leave it.

You seem to think your problem/ your situation is so different from all the others.  It's not.  It's the effort to change that makes the difference.

Start working on yourself to change your view of yourself from what you wrote below. to someone you consider worthy, desirable, deserving. When you see it, others see it. 

2 hours ago, metalfantom said:

As someone who is unworthy/undeserving/undesirable when it comes to sex,

While you're at explore why you have to feed this side of your personality... And how does this side of you benefit you and your desire to have a woman in your life?  Do you want a woman in your life? 

2 hours ago, metalfantom said:

It feeds my masochistic side

 

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You can also watch other themed porn. Is there really no other type of porn for you to enjoy? I think you should have no shortage of other types of porn with sites like Pornhub at our fingertips. I can't remember, did you say you're getting any therapy? I think you really need it.

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1 minute ago, metalfantom said:

I asked for help on a specific issue and was effectively told "Google it".

Kind of defeats the purpose of this place, doesn't it?

Anyway, thank you for your advice.

You got advice from me! I don't think you really want advice because you get advice but you just fight against it.

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3 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

You got advice from me! I don't think you really want advice because you get advice but you just fight against it.

Give me a chance.

I would like to quit porn full stop. I don't think changing genres will help, unless it's just watching women solo. At least that way I don't need to compare myself to men who have sex.

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3 hours ago, metalfantom said:

Obviously it's all pretend but hey. It feeds my masochistic side, until the deed is done and I feel 100x worse than when I started. Rinse repeat.

Hello MF,
When you say it makes you feel 'worse', worse than what, exactly? Can you describe what attracts you to it and why it makes you feel lousy?

 

 

 

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5 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Hello MF,
When you say it makes you feel 'worse', worse than what, exactly? Can you describe what attracts you to it and why it makes you feel lousy?

Worse than my usual state of anxiety and low mood. But the post-masturbation guilt and shame just exacerbates my neuroticism.

What attracts me to it? Probably a combination of horniness (ofc), boredom and masochism. Watching girls cheat on their "boyfriends" with more attractive/sexual men reinforces my cynicism and self-loathing. 

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24 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

Watching girls cheat on their "boyfriends" with more attractive/sexual men reinforces my cynicism and self-loathing. 

Wow, you really did go far into "blackpill".

I am sorry, but you need a good therapy. It will help you with your way of thinking about life and women in general. Maybe even make you feel good about yourself and pursue healthier ways in life.

As for porn, its an addiction like any other addiction. You need to understand that. Unless you are so strong willed that you can, I dunno, just quit it tomorrow, you need help. That is where also therapy, along with support groups, can help. For example, a licensed sex therapist can do wonder. 

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2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

You got advice from me! I don't think you really want advice because you get advice but you just fight against it.

Yes.  And to me sometimes a suggestion to Google is very good advice - it's not no advice.  And it's also because of what Tinydance wrote here.

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1 hour ago, metalfantom said:

Just introducing a little levity. Cool your jets.

Comedy is another way to deflect.  We're not here to become friends.  Either you want to take a good hard look at yourself and commit to change, or you just keep porn-ing it up, and feel sorry for yourself afterwards, and stay single.  If you want to pal around, or say, it's not you, it's everyone else, go hang with a friend.

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9 hours ago, metalfantom said:

I'm not sure else I can do. I am not happy like this. 

Maybe your parents will kick you out of their basement and take away your computer/phone so you get a job and stop amusing yourself.

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6 hours ago, metalfantom said:

 I thought sex therapists were more for couples or nymphomaniacs? 

They can be for anyone who wants to talk about any kinds of sexual issues. Why only for couples? Why they would not help a single person just because they're not in a couple?

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This is just my opinion and I'm not a therapist but I don't think the porn is the real issue. Though of course if you feel you'd be better off without any porn then you should do what you think is right. 

What I think the real problem is, is your extremely low self-esteem and self worth. I think this is why you watch this type of porn where women cheat on their partner with a "hotter" guy. You're always trying to prove to yourself and others that the reason why apparently your life is so hard is because you're not an "attractive" guy.

This is why you're always turning to this kind of porn. I don't think it's a problem to watch porn occasionally but clearly this particular themed porn really upsets you. You could be watching literally any other type of porn but this is what you choose because of your psychological struggles.

Again I want to say that I personally don't think that women only go for attractive guys. This is probably mostly because most people are just average. Most women are average and they know they're not just going to get some Brad Pitt or George Clooney. Most people have a realistic expectation of who they're going to date and are just looking for someone they really like and they have a good connection with them. As well as common interests and values. You are making women out to be completely shallow without any actual thoughts or feelings and driven only by looks. There is also a lot more proof that women are with all kinds of guys and all you need to do is look around you and see the actual real life couples.

Also people don't like really negative people who are always criticising themselves. It's a big turn off. And people who always keep complaining they've been dealt the bad hand in life and there isn't one thing they can do about it. I don't buy that because I've been working with people with disabilities for 8 + years. Even many of them were in a relationship, even people in a wheelchair or with a limp and so on. And though they actually get a disability pension here in Australia and a lot of government money, some of them actually still worked or volunteered because they wanted to do something and not let their disabilities stop them.

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11 hours ago, metalfantom said:

Worse than my usual state of anxiety and low mood. But the post-masturbation guilt and shame just exacerbates my neuroticism.

What attracts me to it? Probably a combination of horniness (ofc), boredom and masochism. Watching girls cheat on their "boyfriends" with more attractive/sexual men reinforces my cynicism and self-loathing. 

I'm really sorry. Any idea why you'd feel guilt and shame about it? I mean, masturbation is natural.

Do you think the problem is with the storyline you pick? Is this the only scenario that you go-to, or do you explore anything else?

You seem self-aware. Is there any reason you wouldn't consider working with a therapist? They're trained in this stuff, and you already know so much about your issues that you might be able to make really good use of the time.

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A couple of threads here. 
 

Thread one: practice discipline. You know that the aggregate score of pursueing this activity is misery so be disciplined and don’t indulge. Different but the same, I get anxious when people don’t reply to my messages. I can open my conversation with and check for a read receipt. If I can see they haven’t even read the message yet I feel relief, if I can see they have and they’re just not replying I feel miserable. If I fight my anxiety urge and refuse to open the conversation to check I won’t feel worse. I have to use will power to achieve that. Same with over eating. I want to eat that second serve of food. I’ll feel good if I eat that second serve of food. I don’t feel satisfied yet, I want it! But I’ll gain more body fat. I have the Choi r to be disciplined and not eat the second serve. 
 

The other thread is to do with identification with your form. Eckhart Tolle would say you are strongly identified with your form, a form which possesses x, y, z characteristics. In order for you to remain identified you have to force other people into roles that compliment that identity. You believe you will be rejected so other people have to be the rejectors. But really, we are not our forms, we are beings play acting out a myriad of roles, and those roles aren’t fixed. If you have the time to spare read a new earth by Eckhart Tolle, he’ll explain the idea in much more detail than I could. 

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