My boyfriend (22) wears a hairpiece

[reinventmyself]

It may have been covered already but there are hair pieces that are called "systems"  They are actually glued on and can't be taken off.  You go to a salon that specializes in this about once a month to have it removed and maintained. They shave the portion of your head that it adheres to clean and prep and it's reapplied.  You can swim, bathe and wash it.

I dated someone for a short time who had one.  Being a cosmetologist years ago I can spot things pretty quickly.  It wasn't until I reached to touch his hair he told me about it.  He was pretty good natured about it.  It seemed a little bit of a shame because he was a very good looking man with or without hair.  My bf of 5 years started losing his hair just out of high school and today he shaves what's left totally bald.

I love the mentions of how most alter our looks in one way or another.  Extensions, eyes lashes,  etc.  It really isn't any difference.

No need to bring it up.  Imagine a man outing you for wearing spanx!  . . lol.  It's bound to come up naturally.  No need to disclose that you know.  I would think that would make him uncomfortable that you needed to bring it up.  It gives it more importance than it deserves.

[boltnrun]

Funny story, I remember years ago my best friend and her boyfriend were going to be moving in together and she called me in a panic because, she said, she was going to have to get up super early in the morning to put on her makeup before he woke up.  I found that to be hilarious.  I mean, why move in with a guy if you think he won't love you without a full face of makeup?  She did end up getting over that.

I guess I don't understand why you would jump from guy wears a hair piece to he must only be with me because I'm overweight.  That's some super mental gymnastics there.  Be sure not to "punish" him for your own insecurities.  If they're consuming your life, working with a therapist can be very helpful.

[Deb_rox]

I don't think my insecurities are consuming my life, necessarily.  I do get that I am not some sort of bloated, hideous troll, or whatever.  But I have had a streak of bad relationships lately, and I have a history of insecurity issues.  I know there's plenty of guys out there who appreciate bigger girls, but that has not been my experience in the dating arena.  Every so often (IE - right now), the old fears resurface.  I do go to therapy on a bi-weekly basis and it has helped out a lot, so I like to think of myself as a work in progress.

This relationship is definitely the most positive one I've had for a long time.  I don't know that I am ready to use the "L word" yet, but...it's definitely on that path.  It's not like my recent relationships were awful or abusive or anything.  It's just that ultimately I felt like a disposable part of the relationship, if that makes any sense?  As if the relationship ultimately failed, for them it was kinda no big deal.  Like I was more convenient than really desired.  What I have now, is different, and it feels good

Anyhow, I'll just stay the course at this point, and see where things end up.  If he wants to tell me about the hair thing someday, that's great!  With hair or bald, he's what I want 🙂

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, Deb_rox said:

 If he wants to tell me about the hair thing someday, that's great!  With hair or bald, he's what I want.

🙂

Good call. Many of these hair alternatives go through great lengths to "look natural", so clearly the objective is to keep it private.

[spinstermanquee]

14 hours ago, Deb_rox said:

Anyhow, I'll just stay the course at this point, and see where things end up.  If he wants to tell me about the hair thing someday, that's great!  With hair or bald, he's what I want 🙂

Tugging at my heartstrings, Deb_rox!  This ^^^  Hair no hair, pinky finger no pinky finger, pet no pet, blah blah blah: attraction is attraction

[Deb_rox]

OK, so everyone was so nice with giving advice, I thought I owed everyone a follow up!  In case you don't remember, it's me, Deb - the big girl dating the bald guy.

In short - everything is fantastic.

So last weekend, we got together at my place, and we had a talk.  It was his idea - basically he wanted to confess the fact that he was bald, and wore a hairpiece to cover it up  Of course, I had already spotted it before, but I didn't tell him that.

   Apparently he started losing his hair when he was about 16 (he just turned 23, a few days ago, now).  He showed me pictures of him back then, but I have to think the hair loss must have been something only he noticed at first, because I couldn't see anything different with his hair back then.  I guess the loss just got worse and worse, to where it was very clear to everyone that he was going bald.  He was telling me how badly it affected his self-esteem and social life and everything else.  It seems as though he tried to hide things by wearing a lot of hats, and also cutting his hair really short.  

   When it came time to go away to college, I guess he decided to try a different plan.  Being in another state, He told me he could get away with the hairpiece thing.  Apparently he didn't want to look like he was in his 40's when he was really in his 20's (his words not mine).  But he didn't have much experience wearing the thing, before this.  At a later time, he showed me - and yeah, he's got hair on the back and sides.  But totally bald on top

   Anyways, he tells me that he was really nervous about me finding out.  Poor thing, I guess he had invented this nightmare scenario in his mind where I find out he was bald, and like reject him.  Even laugh at him!  Me, of all people - I am pretty sure I am literally twice as big as he is.  If anyone would understand about feeling self-conscious about perceived body issues, it would be me!  But I guess he just got all worked up about it, and sort of made the whole thing seem like a way bigger deal than it really was.  Ultimately he was really stressed about me finding out. 

   He told me that he loved me (LOVED ME!!!) so much and he'd be crushed if I like...stopped being attracted to him or something?  Stupid man, I told him that I loved him too, and I didn't care if he was bald or anything else.  He just makes me happy!  And after that, I don't think we set foot out of my apartment for basically the whole weekend.  I think you can probably imagine what was going on LOL.

   Anyhow thanks so much to everyone for the advice!  Really did help out a lot - he just needed some time to talk to me about it on his own!  Worked out for the best!

[jul-els]

This isn’t a question for him, it’s a question for you. Are you okay with it? Whatever your answer is, that’s your answer. And you go on from there. 
 

Edit: ok, sorry, didn’t read the thread. Glad everything worked out! 🙂

[JoyfulCompany]

Deb_rox, you two are such sweethearts. Thank you for sharing.

[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, JoyfulCompany said:

Deb_rox, you two are such sweethearts. Thank you for sharing.

It's great you let him tell you his own way in his own time. That type of respect seems to have been part of the reason he's comfortable with you.

It's wonderful you're not part of this "calling out" everyone culture and allow others to keep their dignity.

Yes. It's a wonderful antidote to so many people who falsely believe that they have to be movie stars or supermodels to find love.

That if they were just taller or slimmer or whatever the world would be at their feet.

The key here is that you two are accepting of yourselves and each other. Wish you happiness.

[Batya33]

What a sweet and romantic update. Thanks for sharing -- enjoy!!

[Seraphim]

That is a great update ! I am so glad you both are happy ! 

[Deb_rox]

Thanks again everyone - it was pretty awesome to have a place to air this out.  Felt weird thinking about doing it with friends, since it was obviously a secret he was trying to keep.  Wasn't my place, you know?

As an aside - I think my guy's kind of a little hotty without that hairpiece thing on!  LOL

[Cherylyn]

NO.  I wouldn't broach the topic regarding physical appearance whether it's him or you. 

Concentrate and focus on character because this is what is important. 

Whenever I observe people,  what really stands out is what type of person they are.  Does this person treat others with respect?  Or, do they say something backhanded and passively snide?  I immediately perceive all signals.   Is this person consistently kind and considerate?  Or, does this person have a tendency to say (or write) something inappropriate and rude?  How does this person make you feel?  Pay close attention to these habits, clues and details because this is what matters.

Regarding his hair piece or toupee, don't say anything.  Be sensitive and considerate just as you would appreciate him not commenting on your weight.  Treat him the way you would appreciate being treated.  If he wants to discuss his hair piece or toupee, then it's his choice on his timing.  Follow his cue.  He's already self conscious about his receding hairline and premature baldness.  Don't make him feel worse.  There's no sense talking about what makes him already uncomfortable.  Be nice and empathetic just as he should be towards you.  

When and if he discusses his baldness, just listen without interjecting extra dialogue because this is what compassion is.  Don't give phony compliments such as:  "It doesn't matter that you don't have hair.  I like or love you just the way you are."  Or, "You would look better without that rug on your head."  It's better to say less or nothing than too much which can sorely backfire.  Be kind. 

Think before you speak and act.  You'll be glad that you erred on the side of caution.   

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

NO.  I wouldn't broach the topic regarding physical appearance whether it's him or you. 

Concentrate and focus on character because this is what is important. 

Whenever I observe people,  what really stands out is what type of person they are.  Does this person treat others with respect?  Or, do they say something backhanded and passively snide?  I immediately perceive all signals.   Is this person consistently kind and considerate?  Or, does this person have a tendency to say (or write) something inappropriate and rude?  How does this person make you feel?  Pay close attention to these habits, clues and details because this is what matters.

Regarding his hair piece or toupee, don't say anything.  Be sensitive and considerate just as you would appreciate him not commenting on your weight.  Treat him the way you would appreciate being treated.  If he wants to discuss his hair piece or toupee, then it's his choice on his timing.  Follow his cue.  He's already self conscious about his receding hairline and premature baldness.  Don't make him feel worse.  There's no sense talking about what makes him already uncomfortable.  Be nice and empathetic just as he should be towards you.  

When and if he discusses his baldness, just listen without interjecting extra dialogue because this is what compassion is.  Don't give phony compliments such as:  "It doesn't matter that you don't have hair.  I like or love you just the way you are."  Or, "You would look better without that rug on your head."  It's better to say less or nothing than too much which can sorely backfire.  Be kind. 

Think before you speak and act.  You'll be glad that you erred on the side of caution.   

She posted an update.