My boyfriend (22) wears a hairpiece

[Deb_rox]

So, I get that this question probably seems a bit silly, and I apologize, but I don't want to mess this up

I've been dating this guy for about 3 months.  Things are going great!  Recently, he was staying over, and I woke up in the morning and looked over at him.  He was still asleep, and I noticed - he was pretty clearly wearing a hairpiece.  Or toupee, or whatever it's called these days

Now he's a young guy (22), so if he's bald, I can imagine him being pretty embarrassed about the whole thing.  But quite frankly while it's a bit of a shock, I don't think I really mind.  Quite frankly, I am not perfect in the looks department either, and when it comes to how attracted I am to him, not to be lewd, but ah...I'm more concerned with what's in his pants, than what's under his hat, lol

But what should I do?  Do I tell him that I know, and that I don't care?  Or do I wait for him to tell me?  What if he never does?

Honestly, It's kind of causing me my own self-consciousness issues.  Like, for me - I'm pretty fat.  Not chubby or anything - I'm definitely a big girl.  He's not.  So my subconscious is bugging me - like is the only reason why he's with me because I'm the best he thinks he can get?  Like "I'm bald, so I might as well just go do the fat chick" or something like that.  I'm sure it's nonsense, but that's what I'm going round and round with, right now.  It's stupid, I understand, but I'm perhaps not the most confident of people, so there it is.

I just want to talk about it, but I don't know if I should.

[Seraphim]

No, you don’t bring it up, you wait for him to bring it up . 

[Rose Mosse]

Wow no. You've accepted him so let him be him. If his hat of hair comes off at night and that's ok with you then it's ok with you. No need to drag your issues about self-image into this. Please work on your confidence, love yourself, accept yourself before bringing someone else into your life. Things will be much easier that way. 

It sounds like you have a good thing going. Don't make this all about you or your weight. You are likely beautiful inside and out or he wouldn't even be with you.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Deb_rox said:

I've been dating this guy for about 3 months.   I noticed - he was pretty clearly wearing a hairpiece. 

Does he have a medical condition? Let him tell you in his own time. It will eventually come up.

[boltnrun]

Many, many men love curvier women. My brother is not at all attracted to a size two or four. He looks at these "models" and actresses and says dismissively "skinny". 

But your self consciousness should help you be sympathetic toward his. He apparently thinks he needs to hide his baldness. Which isn't necessary as many women love bald men (see: Vin Diesel). But he seems to think so. It's probably a struggle for him.

I would not bring it up. Let him tell you in his own time.

[Deb_rox]

I know, and I don't mean to make it all about me - I do get that it's not.  Just my own self-esteem thing I guess.

I do get why he'd want to hide it - early 20's isn't a common time for baldness, as far as I know.  If that's what he feels he needs to do to feel attractive, then that's ok.  I squashed myself into a pretty serious pair of Spanx for a while when we first started going out, so that's a kinda sorta similar thing, lol.  I just hope he's not nervous about it, and I'd like to let him know it's ok, you know?

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Deb_rox said:

- early 20's isn't a common time for baldness, as far as I know.  I'd like to let him know it's ok, you know?

Don't pry, if he has a medical condition (google them- alopecia, autoimmune disease, cancer, etc.) he'll let you know when he's ready to tell you.

[Rose Mosse]

54 minutes ago, Deb_rox said:

I know, and I don't mean to make it all about me - I do get that it's not.  Just my own self-esteem thing I guess.

I do get why he'd want to hide it - early 20's isn't a common time for baldness, as far as I know.  If that's what he feels he needs to do to feel attractive, then that's ok.  I squashed myself into a pretty serious pair of Spanx for a while when we first started going out, so that's a kinda sorta similar thing, lol.  I just hope he's not nervous about it, and I'd like to let him know it's ok, you know?

He already knows you're ok with it if you're continuing to date him. How could a detail like that go unnoticed if he's staying over? I'm sure he's well aware he removed it and took it off, felt comfortable not having to explain himself and that you'd love/accept him for who he is just exactly the way he is. 

It's the same for you. He is with you for you, not for what you wear or how well you fit into your clothing. I am certain it runs deeper than skin deep otherwise he never would have agreed to stay over or expose that part of himself/his baldness. 

For what its worth, I married someone who was completely bald (balding at the top by his late 20s and then shaved it all off by his mid-late 30s before I came along). He took pride in that choice and owned his baldness way before I appeared on the scene.

You're assuming that he's self-conscious but it doesn't seem the case to me if he's chosen to wear his tupee and remove it around you. I'm sure there was sticky tape he could have used to keep it on or he wouldn't have removed it in plain sight at all or he'd have said something if he felt self-conscious. That he hasn't at all speaks volumes that he is quite confident. He could very well be completely ok about it all and you don't need to feel sorry for him. He will open up in his own time OR not because there's nothing to talk about. Try not to read into this or assume that he has a problem with the way he is. 

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

He already knows you're ok with it if you're continuing to date him. How could a detail like that go unnoticed if he's staying over? I'm sure he's well aware he removed it and took it off, felt comfortable not having to explain himself and that you'd love/accept him for who he is just exactly the way he is. 

It's the same for you. He is with you for you, not for what you wear or how well you fit into your clothing. I am certain it runs deeper than skin deep otherwise he never would have agreed to stay over or expose that part of himself/his baldness. 

For what its worth, I married someone who was completely bald (balding at the top by his late 20s and then shaved it all off by his mid-late 30s before I came along). He took pride in that choice and owned his baldness way before I appeared on the scene.

You're assuming that he's self-conscious but it doesn't seem the case to me if he's chosen to wear his tupee and remove it around you. I'm sure there was sticky tape he could have used to keep it on or he wouldn't have removed it in plain sight at all or he'd have said something if he felt self-conscious. That he hasn't at all speaks volumes that he is quite confident. He could very well be completely ok about it all and you don't need to feel sorry for him. He will open up in his own time OR not because there's nothing to talk about. Try not to read into this or assume that he has a problem with the way he is. 

I don't think he took it off. I think she just noticed it while he was still sleeping.

3 hours ago, Deb_rox said:

I woke up in the morning and looked over at him.  He was still asleep, and I noticed - he was pretty clearly wearing a hairpiece.  Or toupee, or whatever it's called these days

 

[Rose Mosse]

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I don't think he took it off. I think she just noticed it while he was still sleeping.

 

Yes, thanks for pointing that out. Regardless, it was very clear to her he was wearing a tupee the next morning. It makes no sense that he would be oblivious to this showing after falling asleep or staying over at another person's place. 

Even if he forgot to remove it before falling asleep it sounds displaced and there's no way a person would take that chance if he truly was self-conscious about his hair/baldness. He just wouldn't take that chance at all by staying over. 

My point is not to assume that he feels bad about his hairpiece. It's a part of him. If he wants to talk about it he can but it doesn't mean he has to or owes you any explanation about that part about himself.

[Lambert]

3 hours ago, Deb_rox said:

the only reason why he's with me because I'm the best he thinks he can get? 

You very well may be the best he can get because you're awesome! and much more than a number on a scale.

Beauty comes in all sizes and shapes. a person's weight doesn't make them pretty or not pretty. 

people are attracted to other people for a lot of reasons. I know for myself, I've dated all kinds of shapes and sizes... its that special something a person has not one thing. Of course some people have a type... but don't put yourself down.  He's done nothing wrong and neither have you. 

You said it's going great.  enjoy it. I suggest you don't mention it.  let him bring it up.  

[Deb_rox]

40 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I'm sure there was sticky tape he could have used to keep it on or he wouldn't have removed it in plain sight at all or he'd have said something if he felt self-conscious. That he hasn't at all speaks volumes that he is quite confident.

No that's the thing - he DIDN'T take it off!  I must not have explained it correctly, so I'm sorry about that.  Like he spent the night with me, and kept it on.  It was only when I woke up before him that I noticed the part where the wig met up with his natural hair.  It got a little frazzled during sleep, that you could notice what it was, at that point.

That's my issue, I know he's (probably) bald, but I think he probably doesn't know that I spotted his fake hair?  I am agonizing whether or not I should come clean and tell him that I noticed it, and that it's ok, OR should I just pretend ignorance and let him tell me in his own time.  If he ever does? 

I know that this situation is kinda silly, but...if he hasn't told me yet, either he doesn't trust me to keep his secret, or he's just too embarrassed about it, and think's I'd laugh at him.  Either way, I don't know which is the crappier situation

[Rose Mosse]

Just now, Deb_rox said:

No that's the thing - he DIDN'T take it off!  I must not have explained it correctly, so I'm sorry about that.  Like he spent the night with me, and kept it on.  It was only when I woke up before him that I noticed the part where the wig met up with his natural hair.  It got a little frazzled during sleep, that you could notice what it was, at that point.

That's my issue, I know he's (probably) bald, but I think he probably doesn't know that I spotted his fake hair?  I am agonizing whether or not I should come clean and tell him that I noticed it, and that it's ok, OR should I just pretend ignorance and let him tell me in his own time.  If he ever does? 

I know that this situation is kinda silly, but...if he hasn't told me yet, either he doesn't trust me to keep his secret, or he's just too embarrassed about it, and think's I'd laugh at him.  Either way, I don't know which is the crappier situation

Nope. I read it wrongly and my apologies. That was my fault. You do not have to apologize for that. I think that if he felt self-conscious he would have addressed it already with you. I'd go with one or the other. I frankly don't think he's that afraid to talk about it or feeling as self-conscious as you may think. If he wanted to hide it from you he would not have stayed over or taken the chance. 

It's up to you what you wish to do. 

[Wiseman2]

Maybe he's covering a tattoo or bad haircut?

 

[lostandhurt]

How serious is the relationship?

If you are just dating and having fun then let it go for now.  BUT if you see this getting serious you could certainly make it easier for him to let you know.  Can you imagine the mental gymnastics he is doing trying to figure out how to tell you or bring this up?  It has to suck giant monkey butt to be intimate and all the time wonder if it is going to come loose or something in the heat of passion.  

 Fake nails, fake boobs, hair extensions, hair pieces, fat injections and on and on are out there everyday.  Some you want to be a secret and some simply cannot be ignored.

I would imagine at 3 months the look your best, don't fart and be on your best behavior is still on the table but soon enough you both will be comfortable enough to be yourselves.

Let him know you like him for who he is and he can just relax and be himself around you.

Lost

[arjumand]

My oldest friend started dating a 21 year old when she was 19. He saw her in class and went right after her. Completely bald and all grey. Married 33 years now, three grown sons and he looks EXACTLY the same. All her sons lost their hair by 19. Have zero problems getting extremely high-quality women to marry. 
 

My husband’s best friend — also completely bald by 18, I never met a guy who had so many women after him. Finally got married to a great woman at 39. 
 

Bald is really more of an issue for men than it is for women, I often think. 
 

 

[Andrina]

It's only been 3 months. If I were you, I'd give it another 3 months without saying anything, to get beyond the shaky ground of a new relationship. By then you two will have possibly grown to a more secure place in building a nice foundation.

I can tell you that I faced something similar with the man who was to become my husband, but it was with his teeth. When I first began dating him, I noticed how he would cover his teeth when he smiled, and I assumed he had bad teeth. I didn't care because he is handsome otherwise and has a kind heart.

After about a half year together, I told him in a kind way, "I can tell you are self conscious about your teeth." And then it was like the floodgates opened and he told me about bad dental work with braces when he was a kid, and the dentist tightened the braces too tight and teeth were broken, and he could never afford to get major work done.

At the time, my parents lived in San Diego, and that when we went to visit them in the future, we could cross the border into Tijuana and get the work done for a fifth of the price as in the U.S., and that's exactly what we did. It was so nice to see him smile so big and brought back a lot of confidence to him in his looks, so for us, the conversation worked out well. (As an aside, it's no longer safe nor convenient to go into Tijuana. It was starting to get bad when we went, but it's far worse now).

Given time, if I were in your shoes, I'd say something like: "Just letting you know I saw that you wear a hairpiece, and I want you to know I don't care if you do or don't. I think you're attractive no matter if you shave your head, or if you wear your hairpiece, or if you go without if it's more comfortable while we're sleeping."

Even if he was irritated with embarrassment, two people who have a strong relationship will get over those uncomfortable moments. As for me, it's hard to fully bond with a person if they are keeping things like this from their partner, once at a serious level.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[smackie9]

You do whatever you want to do. If you want to bring it up you can do it in a compassionate way like, telling him doesn't need to hide it from you, etc. He likes you and is doing everything to be attractive to you, hence not taking it off or mentioning it. Obviously you feel for the guy and I get it, hair loss is a big deal to a lot of people. So whatever you do, it's going to be a topic sooner or later. No big deal to you? then don't make it one. 

[spinstermanquee]

"This isn't a bald spot, it's a solar panel for a human sex machine."  🙂

Two stories:

I dated a guy who was in his mid-twenties and he had a weave.  I only found out because while we were being intimate, I reached down to intertwine my fingers in his hair... the urgency with which he removed my hands from the vicinity of his head informed me I had done a no-no.

Afterward he confided that he had a health condition which made him lose his hair and went to something like a "Hair Clinic for Men" to get a weave using his own hair, so it was kind of like a natural toupee.  But I didn't dare ask because obviously his ego was tied up in it.  We saw each other again (and I never tugged his hair again).

Earlier than that, was with an older guy on a first date, and he had the ole "combover."  We were walking on the beach.  A gust of wind blew the whole combover "tail" to the other side that it grew from and it looked like he was wearing a curly scarf from his ear.  I said to him (and please remember I was in my mid-twenties and not at all tactful), "You're a good-looking guy.  Why don't you just cut that off?"  Haha.  Never heard from him again.

Guess the universe wanted me to marry a guy with hair I could pull on 😉

So I agree with the other posters, don't bring it up... when he's ready he will.  If it's not a turnoff for you it will be fine and work itself out!  Best of luck my dear.

P.S. - all my brothers started going bald in their twenties, one started shaving his head at 24 and has been doing it ever since, for 30 years

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, Deb_rox said:

is the only reason why he's with me because I'm the best he thinks he can get?

Is the only reason you are with him because he is skinny? Its usually a combination of various factors, not just one. Dont think that he would only date you just because he can only get "fat" girls to like him. Its just your insecurities talking. Give yourself some more credit about who you are and see it as that somebody saw something more in you. And give him some more credit because its kinda silly and insulting to him to suggest that he picked you just because he couldnt get skinny girl. It suggests that he is just some shallow guy that only picks on looks.

On the other hand you are an interesting pair. Both insecure about the looks. So both need to work on that if you want that relationship to go on.

As for hair, dont tell him. It will probably only destroy his confidence more then it is.

[boltnrun]

Let's say a woman wears a heavily padded bra and a lot of makeup. At some point the bra and makeup will come off. I doubt any woman would appreciate the guy saying "I noticed you wear a padded bra. Is that because you have small breasts? And is all the makeup because you have bad skin and dark circles under your eyes? Because I don't mind those things."

I think it's best to let him bring it up when he feels comfortable. I would imagine it's not a subject he enjoys discussing, so let him decide when and where.

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, Deb_rox said:

if he hasn't told me yet, either he doesn't trust me to keep his secret, or he's just too embarrassed about it, and think's I'd laugh at him.  Either way, I don't know which is the crappier situation

You are still making this about you. His choice not to have told you yet is not a reflection of how he feels about you. Try not to personalize this so much. 

8 hours ago, Deb_rox said:

I am agonizing whether or not I should come clean

Interesting choice of words. Why is this causing you so much distress? 

You have taken something that is likely an insecurity of his and projected it onto yourself. In other words, you've now made it your own insecurity. That's a reflection of your self-esteem, not how he feels about you. Don't presume to know why he hasn't yet told you, and be careful not to let other people's insecurities trigger your own. 

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Deb_rox said:

But what should I do?  

Nothing. It's not your job to point out what you think his issues may be. Just like you would not want someone to point out yours. 

Try to stay away from "there must be something wrong with them if they like me" type of thinking. Implying someone is defective is never a good idea

[Wiseman2]

[JoyfulCompany]

I have hair loss and I wear wigs (female here). As much as I'm upfront about it (I have a bald picture on my dating profile, I go out with my shaved head from time to time), sometimes it still takes a huge toll on my self-confidence as it comes to appearance and femininity. But it didn't change my dating standards in the slightest.

It can be a sensitive topic, so I would say - wait for him to come to you. Probably when he finally feels safe you like him for his personality (something he has control over) and not purely for his looks (something he has limited control over) he will open up about it. I know you would like to take this burden off his shoulders, but it's something he needs to do on his own terms. If you let him know you've noticed and comment on it, that may make him feel super self-conscious, embarrassed and inadequate and he may shut down.

Attraction isn't necessarily bound to beauty standards. There are people who go after more superficial stuff, but also others who don't. Most of the time you can sense where does a person stand in that regard. As long as someone treats you with kindness and respect, is interested in how you're going through life and makes you feel desired, you could count on them being genuinely attracted to you. Don't go into the trap of doubting he's with you only because he has less options to date or something. Enjoy things and see if there's long-term potential.

I'm a lot into personality and even if sometimes I doubt what I can "bring to the table" appearance-wise, I would never date someone I don't like, just because they're okay with my hair loss. In my last attempt to have a relationship the guy didn't care about my hair at all and was really into me. But our personalities clashed on the level of maturity and it was a deal-breaker to me, so I ended things. Do I fear I may end up alone? Yes. But will I stay with someone just so I'm not alone. No.

What you can do is try to see what kind of positive reinforcement he responds to best. Does he enjoy letting him know how he makes you feel, or the way he does things, or the way you're attracted to him (be it his voice, smell, etc.). Make him feel good and desired, nothing over the top - only what comes naturally. For example, I cringe at being called beautiful but I like being told something specific I do is hot, etc. And, of course, don't forget about yourself and your needs in a relationship. Make sure you also feel good and desired and don't stay wherever that's not the case.

And, again, enjoy. I'm glad it's going great so far and I wish you that it gets even better as you get to know each other and open up to one another more. Good luck.