Knowing everything about your partner

[quark]

Let's just start this out with the fact that I have this dysfunction where I have to know -everything-

Even as a kid, I wasn't necessarily so mad about my mom saying "no", I just wanted to know WHY.  What are the reasons for her saying no, lol.

My relationship has been riddled with curiosity (on my part) for as long as I can remember.  When we first met, I was in a relationship where I was engaged.  That ended, and we started courting each other a little bit.  We worked together, and there were these 2 other girls that were obviously interested in him too.  One was my age, but the other was much younger.  The one he actually went on a date with, and kissed her.  He told me this.  I didn't know the details at the time, but I do remember him telling me that he had a dream about her (this killed me inside since I was SO into him), and that she texted him to come over with her address.  The other girl was spending a lot of time in his office, and I saw them being flirtatious often.  Rumors swirled about them fooling around.  I never found out for sure about that one, we never really talked about it except for him acting like it was a ridiculous notion and nothing happened.  Still, it burns inside me because I feel like I don't actually know.

His history is that he was married and divorced.  That's the ex I mostly heard about when we had conversations.  But, when I poured over his facebook wanting to know everything about him, I see old posts and pictures with this other girlfriend.  He never mentioned her.  They were together for years, it seemed pretty serious..  She went on vacation with him and his family.  Went to family functions.  This is where immediate mistrust/paranoia/curiosity kicks in.  I asked him about it, and he kind of brushed it off like she didn't matter.  Again, him not really wanting to talk about it and brushing it aside really poured gas on my crazy.  A year ago, we were in the car and the text messaged picked up and it was her wishing him a happy birthday.  IDK.. maybe I really am crazy, but I don't go around wishing my exes happy birthday.

MORE recently, we were talking about travel and vacations.  And I knew he went to Aruba, but I just always assumed it was with his ex wife.  Come to find out that it was with the girlfriend.  I don't know why, but this carries weight with me.  Whenever we talk about possible vacations he always wants to stay in the USA, and is scared of going to different countries.  So I'm feeling like "Oh, you can go to another country with HER, but it's like pulling teeth when I want you to go somewhere?".

 

I feel like we need a knock-down, drag out, nothing held back conversation where we can ask each other anything.  Because I feel like he's got burning questions about me, too.  So the point of this post is.. is it needed to know everything about your partner?  Are some secrets good?  Should I just let these silly questions die like they should?

[Batya33]

Listen to the Carly Simon song "we have no secrets". I don't think having a tell all session is the right way to go about this and might really be harmful. You get to know about someone over time, organically, naturally.  My husband and I do not know everything about each other and we've known each other for almost 20 years.  I do not want to know the details of his previous romantic relationships and he doesn't know of mine nor has he asked.  It's not a secret it's simply private.  Do you want to know details of his bathroom habits? Whether he ever feels attracted to someone he sees on the street or in a movie? If so why? I think you feel like he's got burning questions because you are projecting.  You can feel that way and react by telling yourself that is his private business.  

Be careful about what you wish for -if you insist on some tell all you can't unring the bell.  

[catfeeder]

I agree with Batya. Think this through with your favorite question: WHY?

With each answer you give yourself, keep asking why until you arrive at why this 'must' matter to you.

Then make a better choice.

As for the travel, lots of people feel insecure about getting stuck in another country should the pandemic rear up badly. Others (wave!) are concerned about the pilot shortages leading to less than experienced pilots creating hazards in the air--or leading to delays that harm the trip.

I'd talk through this kind of stuff with husband and see more of your own country before faulting him for what may be temporary yet valid concerns.

Head high, and remind yourself to stay on the same team WITH husband rather than slipping into a view of him as your adversary.

[Seraphim]

You can never know EVERYTHING about anybody as we don’t live inside their body and mind. I know my husband pretty well after 33 years and I still find out little nuggets about him now and again. 
 

You wouldn’t catch me dead travelling internationally right now. It is a total gong show. 

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, quark said:

I feel like we need a knock-down, drag out, nothing held back conversation where we can ask each other anything.

This is going to do nothing but fuel your insecurity. And there are some things which just aren't your business. 

You need to address your own feelings of jealousy without crossing a boundary and being nosy. There's a fine line between sharing things with a partner, and demanding to know every detail just to soothe your own insecure feelings. 

7 hours ago, quark said:

Because I feel like he's got burning questions about me, too.

No, that would be you. 

7 hours ago, quark said:

Are some secrets good?

These aren't secrets. It's peculiar you view them that way, when really, it just sounds like his past that he doesn't necessarily wish to revisit. It's privacy, not secrecy. There's a difference. 

7 hours ago, quark said:

Should I just let these silly questions die like they should?

Yes,  but not without examining why his past makes you feel threatened. That is something you can only learn by looking inside yourself, and your own feelings of worth. It's not about playing 20 questions with him. 

[Kwothe28]

Would it help to know? To tell you that he had an affair with the other girl from work? Some things stay in the past for a reason, and you are perfectly capable to draw conclusions you need from what you have.

For example, that guy is a "player". He courted you who were engaged at the time. He courted 2 other girls from work. Even told you(that was widely innapropriate btw) about the dream of his younger coworker. Who he definitely had sex with. He courted probably many others. With somebody like that, are you really surprised about what he keeps? Messages from the last girlfriend, vacations with her, God knows how many other girls like you.

With the guy like that you will never know everything. Heck you will never know even a portion because, again, if you dig deeper, I wouldnt even be suprised that you are not the only girlfriend he has at the moment. You knew what he is like when you started dating him. Signs were all there. So now you either accept that you are dating somebody like that. Or just leave and find somebody who is not like that.

[smackie9]

Having any kind of truth or dare you say conversations will never ever quench your thirst for knowledge about the other person. Your anxiety is toxic. This need to get to know everyone's bizz is not healthy and you will always have issues with people. Like I always say, if it doesn't feel right then it's not....if this guy doesn't feel right then he's not right for you. Dump this chump.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, quark said:

 We worked together, and there were these 2 other girls that were obviously interested in him too.  .  Rumors swirled about them fooling around.  

Cheaters and office wolves are expert liars. So an honest conversation is probably never going to happen with these types.

The best you can hope for is someone transparent and trustworthy. Someone with integrity rather than a sordid past.

While you won't know "Everything" about anyone, dating men who are deceitful will become headaches and heartaches you don't want.

[Rose Mosse]

9 hours ago, quark said:

Let's just start this out with the fact that I have this dysfunction where I have to know -everything-

Even as a kid, I wasn't necessarily so mad about my mom saying "no", I just wanted to know WHY.  What are the reasons for her saying no, lol.

My relationship has been riddled with curiosity (on my part) for as long as I can remember.  When we first met, I was in a relationship where I was engaged.  That ended, and we started courting each other a little bit.  We worked together, and there were these 2 other girls that were obviously interested in him too.  One was my age, but the other was much younger.  The one he actually went on a date with, and kissed her.  He told me this.  I didn't know the details at the time, but I do remember him telling me that he had a dream about her (this killed me inside since I was SO into him), and that she texted him to come over with her address.  The other girl was spending a lot of time in his office, and I saw them being flirtatious often.  Rumors swirled about them fooling around.  I never found out for sure about that one, we never really talked about it except for him acting like it was a ridiculous notion and nothing happened.  Still, it burns inside me because I feel like I don't actually know.

His history is that he was married and divorced.  That's the ex I mostly heard about when we had conversations.  But, when I poured over his facebook wanting to know everything about him, I see old posts and pictures with this other girlfriend.  He never mentioned her.  They were together for years, it seemed pretty serious..  She went on vacation with him and his family.  Went to family functions.  This is where immediate mistrust/paranoia/curiosity kicks in.  I asked him about it, and he kind of brushed it off like she didn't matter.  Again, him not really wanting to talk about it and brushing it aside really poured gas on my crazy.  A year ago, we were in the car and the text messaged picked up and it was her wishing him a happy birthday.  IDK.. maybe I really am crazy, but I don't go around wishing my exes happy birthday.

MORE recently, we were talking about travel and vacations.  And I knew he went to Aruba, but I just always assumed it was with his ex wife.  Come to find out that it was with the girlfriend.  I don't know why, but this carries weight with me.  Whenever we talk about possible vacations he always wants to stay in the USA, and is scared of going to different countries.  So I'm feeling like "Oh, you can go to another country with HER, but it's like pulling teeth when I want you to go somewhere?".

 

I feel like we need a knock-down, drag out, nothing held back conversation where we can ask each other anything.  Because I feel like he's got burning questions about me, too.  So the point of this post is.. is it needed to know everything about your partner?  Are some secrets good?  Should I just let these silly questions die like they should?

You’re sensing something isn’t adding up about his relationship history and while he doesn’t really have to divulge everything to you, the fact that he evades your questions or brushes you off probably makes you edgy.

You weren’t asking for a long list of details about his most recent ex. It sounds like you were just trying to figure out whether he dated someone before you and what the deal was with the Aruba trip. People looking to start a future or build a life with someone usually don’t behave this way evading questions or omitting info. He would want you to feel comfortable or you would feel comfortable anyway if he was transparent and open in the first place. 

Trust is either there or it isn’t. You don’t trust him. Why live in this misery? Date someone else who meets your expectations and doesn’t cause you to feel mistrustful or having to watch your back all the time.

[Kwothe28]

Also, username felt familiar so checked on the other threads. Please tell me this is not "the heater" guy? Would assume that the heater guy is an ex fiance. Good for you for escaping that.

But you escaping from a highly dysfunctional relationship to this "Office Casanova" thing? While it makes sense that you were vulnerable and fall in hands of somebody like that, this is not something you should strive to. It would only bring you more pain and more distrust.

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, quark said:

nd is scared of going to different countries.  So I'm feeling like "Oh, you can go to another country with HER, but it's like pulling teeth when I want you to go somewhere?".

We went to another country -in Europe - a couple of weeks ago.  My husband had a conference. We planned it for months.  I did not want to travel internationally during covid but it had been three years since our last international trip and I mostly did it for my son - I find travel especially to foreign countries is amazing for his learning, experiences, insights. 

I am glad I went.  And I wouldn't advise it -it was touch and go for the weeks leading up because of draconian travel restrictions in our destination and our son likely would have shown a positive covid test despite being over it for close to two weeks.  I was scared of being turned away during our layover or at our destination.  And I knew my husband had to go and for hundreds of dollars we'd have been able to have my son certified. 

So 10 days pre-travel they lifted the restrictions.  And still -we were held up and spent hours total because there was so much confusion still about covid restrictions despite our meticulous attention to all the details.  And the long flights were a super spreader as far as covid.  We were fine though.  But it's not fun waiting to see if you're fine.  

So keep that in mind.  

[Lambert]

14 hours ago, quark said:

Let's just start this out with the fact that I have this dysfunction where I have to know -everything-

This is the problem you need to work on. 

Other people don't have to work around your quirks. 

You sound old enough to have a past, as does he.  You probably need to grow up a little bit. People do have the right to change and if they don't want to do something with you, that they did with someone else, it is their choice.

You can't control anyone else and their need for privacy is also their choice.

If you feel he has questions you can answer, then you can ask him what he would like to know.  A knock down drag out anything doesn't sound loving or fun.  You sound more like you want to punish the guy for being attractive to other women, for not being a monk until he met you, for not doing for you what he chose to do for others. Like you want to bust him for something. 

[SooSad33]

I'm curious on just how long you've been involved with him.

The other responses are very informative.  You can just add fuel to the fire in this 'need to know everything'.  Nah, you don't. As knowing too much can hurt. ( so what, he went on a trip one with an ex- why does it matter to you?)

And over time, yes we can come to learn more & more about each other.

As for our past, yes, we all have one. But, is it necessary to know every little detail? No.  I think it'd be a bit of a concern if he is recently out of a ltr ( his ex gf),  If not too long ago & you are his 'new one'.

As mentioned, maybe you need to look into your own issue's with this.  Some insecurities, etc.