Need advice on current relationship (Long)

[Danie0930]

My gf and I have been together for over a year. I met her parents and they love me especially her mom. We work and we go to school but lately we have been having talks (not arguments) about priority. So recently we had the same talk for the 5th time but this time i was fed up. I don’t mind her having friends and hanging out with them male/female/bi i don’t care but don’t tell me you’re too busy for anything but with her friends it’s always a green light. I mean she sees them at school, after school/work, goes out with them/male friend, watches movies with him, and all I ask is to take her out once. I even switched my work schedule because she suggested we spend a day together every week. So I’m off Saturdays but she’s made plans with her friends every Saturday as well so what relationship am I in? I’m tired of hearing and getting texts saying I love you but there is no effort being made and yet I’m suppose to do so much to make this work. I buy groceries for her apartment, I cook, I bring home food,  I travel to go see her (only me she doesn’t), massages, I take care of her when she’s sick and when not sick and I try and do surprises because I love her so why not. It feels like I don’t exist until she wants me to come over. So during our latest TALK i asked her does she want to be in this because clearly she doesn’t seem like she wants to and she says she does but she wants to be selfish. She says she can see us moving in together, getting married, having children but on the other hand she wants to be selfish. That she feels like she can’t make mistakes and I told her she seems like she doesn’t know what she wants, that she broke up with me before over the same issue and that I’m not going to be here if you need to leave just to figure out later that you want to be with me. I said “ look if you don’t put any effort then eventually I will do the same and if this dies then it dies. She kept saying baby I love you while on top of me and i said “you get distant every so often and I keep asking you do you want space because I don’t mind.” she replies with do you think that will work and if she does come back will I trust her. And i told her things might be worst, better or stay the same but I know my worth and I know my own value so if you want to be out there then be out and I’ll take my leave. After I said that she switched immediately saying everything in her body is saying she wants to put in the effort and that she loves me. So fast forward now we are in the same situation and honestly I just stop texting or calling. She texts me in the morning saying she loves me and sorry that we are both busy but later texts me saying shes heading to a concert with a male friend. My favorite is “Im sorry babe I promised my friend I would watch a movie with him tonight. I love you and hope you have a wonderful night.” So I just stopped initiating texts and phone calls. I do love her very much but I know what I deserve and if I fall out of love then so be it. Just don’t know if this is the right way to go about it.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Danie0930 said:

she says she does but she wants to be selfish.

How long have you been dating? How old is she? Is this a distance relationship? She seems to take things for granted. Do you really want a partygirl like this who won't make time for you?

[Danie0930]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? How old is she? Is this a distance relationship? She seems to take things for granted. Do you really want a partygirl like this who won't make time for you?

We have been dating for a year and a half and she is in her early twenties. Not a long distance relationship but we live an hour an a half apart. I do see how she takes me for granted but I just don't know what to do. I don't want to have the same conversation for the 6th time now. Honestly she wasn't like this at the beginning regardless if she had friends but now it's a bit too much. She told me not to think of what she said about wanting to be selfish because she was just lost in thought but clearly it doesn't seem that way even now. So at the moment I decided to just take a step back and stop trying. 

[Kwothe28]

She doesnt want to make an effort because she doesnt need to. You travel to go see her, you buy her groceries(Seriously why? You dont live with her, let her buy her own lol), you make surprises for her. What does she do? Prioritizes somebody else. Some male friend if that is even a friend at all. Does she has a consequences of her bad behavior? Would you get mad at her and leave her? No. And she knows that. That is why she can do whatever she wants. Because she knows that you will always be there. Because you allowed her that.

Relationship dynamic is something you establish at start. You established that she can be selfish as much as she wants. So she takes advantage of that and does selfish things and has no regards for you. Unfortunately, relationship dynamic rarely changes. She wont become good girlfriend that prioritizes you over night. I would say she would probably never change, because people rarely change. You just need to accept that she is selfish. And that, as much as you love her, she just doesnt love you and is prone to selfish behavior that prioritizes her and only her. So you would need to "get cohones" and dump her. And find somebody who would love you, prioritize you enough and wouldnt take advantage of you.

[boltnrun]

I know a young woman who had a "boyfriend" while she was in a relationship with someone else. The "boyfriend" gave her money and bought her clothes and Coach bags. Her other (actual) boyfriend didn't have money to buy her things but she liked him better. So she kept them both and kept them a secret from each other.

I told her what she was doing wasn't nice, and she said "I know it's not nice but I'm not going to stop. T buys me things so why should I stop?"

Yeah, those types of people are out there.

Close your wallet, stop getting out your debit or credit card and stop driving to see her and see if she still says she wants to be with you.

[Jamie425]

You are on the right track. You deserve better. I was in a relationship with a man I worshipped, waited on etc. Eventually, he took me for granted. Then it wasn't good enough. I left him. He did a complete 180. But it was too late. I had too much anger 

I've given this advice already. Withdraw completely and leave a letter saying something like, "I do love you. Maybe I always will. But in committed relationships, partners are each other's first priority. You have too much growing up to do to realize that and I don't have the time but I wish you every happiness."

Then, no calls no text no sex with the ex. I know you love her. But it sounds like she's given you a lot of material to think about whenever you start to miss her that will help you stay away.

Don't accept anything but unconditional surrender. Her behavior was abominable. If she doesn't come around, good riddance. You have a lot of love to give. And there are plenty more appreciative and deserving women out there. Good luck. 

[Cherylyn]

It's time to dissolve and exit the relationship.  Go your separate ways ~ permanently. 

[Batya33]

Watch the feet -the actions -not the lips -the words.  Her words are sweet but not backed up by loving/giving actions.  I agree with the others.  And yes you're behaving like a bit of a doormat.  Not a good look.  

[Cherylyn]

40 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Watch the feet -the actions -not the lips -the words.  Her words are sweet but not backed up by loving/giving actions.  I agree with the others.  And yes you're behaving like a bit of a doormat.  Not a good look.  

I agree.  Actions speak louder than words.  Talk is cheap.

[Rose Mosse]

5 hours ago, Danie0930 said:

We have been dating for a year and a half and she is in her early twenties. Not a long distance relationship but we live an hour an a half apart. I do see how she takes me for granted but I just don't know what to do. I don't want to have the same conversation for the 6th time now. Honestly she wasn't like this at the beginning regardless if she had friends but now it's a bit too much. She told me not to think of what she said about wanting to be selfish because she was just lost in thought but clearly it doesn't seem that way even now. So at the moment I decided to just take a step back and stop trying. 

As you pause in this beautiful interlude, now is a good time as well to shift those rose-coloured lenses and rethink whether you’re actually attracted to her. Sometimes we are caught in the daily grind and heartache that a poor relationship causes and don’t stop to reevaluate how we really feel. 

Is it possible your feelings are changing for her slowly and you don’t see her the same way anymore, knowing what she is? Something to explore. Stay in tune with how you feel.

[JoyfulCompany]

As much as I'm all up for taking care of friendships and having alone time while in a relationship, I think in your case the scales are way, way off.

The "I want to be selfish" explanation to me sounds like she knows you're "good for her" in the long run (so - for a potential future) but right now she wants to be single (i.e. in the only present you actually have). Sending "I love you" texts but not taking the time to see you is nothing but a breadcrumb. I would feel offended and hurt, even if that was a close friend, let alone a SO.

Don't get me wrong - I don't think there's only one correct way of being in a relationship, there are all sorts of arrangements - FWB, open RS, polygamy, polyamory, etc. But whatever the arrangement is, it should be wanted/needed from both (all) parties, not forced upon one of the partners.

I would strongly suggest you quit this relationship. To me you've tried more than enough, you're being strung along and it seems you two have broken up over the same issue before. I don't think anything would change at this point.

If, however, you don't feel ready for that - try to step back entirely. Enough with the "I want to be a priority" talks - make plans in advance for your own family, friends and activities and don't cancel them when she calls you to "come over". And stop with the "coming over" entirely, you shouldn't be a booty call. Stop with buying groceries, bringing meals and planning surprises. Make your work schedule convenient to you first and foremost.
See if she steps in and makes an actual effort. You're being nothing but convenient to her and she has no motivation to do different or to end it. An effort shouldn't be a heartfelt text, it should be her making time for you, making plans with you (that she follows) and coming to you, instead you to her.
I highly doubt this will work at all and I think it will be a waste of time. But it's your choice.

May I ask - what was your relationship like at the beginning? Did she ever come to you? Have you ever been invited to hang out with her and her friends? What were your dates like? At what point did it change if it was different?

 

[MissCanuck]

When you have to repeatedly talk to someone about making effort and more time to be with you, you are dating someone who is just not that into you. 

She is not invested the way you are, and her overall attitude clearly indicates she does not want a serious relationship at this time. It's time to call it off. You're wasting your time and energy on someone who just doesn't feel the same way about you. 

[catfeeder]

Unfortunately, she'll just keep feeding you the BS whenever she senses you might pull away, but her behavior soon speaks the truth.

This won't change. She might just ramp up some histrionics if those 'work' to keep reeling you back, along with all of the advantages you keep offering.

But that's not mutual love.

I'd walk away with your head high, and I know that's not what you want to hear. It's just obvious that she loves you far less than you love her, and that doesn't get 'better' over time. Especially while she's invested in these friends.

[smackie9]

 You had this talk 5 times with her and nothing has changed. That should tell you you two are not compatible because you have different ideas in how you two should spend time together. The best advice I can give you is, if you are not getting what you what out of the relationship you leave the relationship.