My (M27) relationship with GF (F27) is on the rocks...

[relationshipsAreHard]

Sorry in advance for the incoherence, I am not a skilled writer.

 

My current 2 year relationship started off with the excitement/anxiety that I think many do. It began during the start of covid so at first it was a lot of highly involved texting, with the slight anxiety when sending a message where you don't know how the person will react, hours of waiting, and then the rush of dopamine when you get a positive message back.

 

We had a lot of similar interests in gaming, movies, and similar education backgrounds. After a week or 2 we moved to phone calls, some of which literally lasted 7+ hours with neither of us really wanting to get off but she for sure did most of the talking.

 

We quickly moved into the hanging out every weekend phase. We lived 1-2 hours away so hanging out on the weekends wasn’t too difficult in my opinion. We would spend almost whole days in bed for the first few months just cuddling, playing games, watching various shows, sex etc., and we both agreed it was pretty much complete bliss for many, many months which neither of us had experienced before.

 

One slightly negative experience that I can remember was one weekend at my place, she had brought a puzzle over and we were working on it. I noticed she was in a slightly more aggressive and focused mood and was working very hard on the puzzle. I am not passionate about puzzles but I do like doing them once in a while. The issue was she actually started sort of snapping at me due to my puzzle solving speed. She was for sure much faster than me at the puzzle but I was taken aback by her snapping things like “what are you doing!?, work on your section!” and I told her hey I am trying but I'm not very good at puzzles, which I guess wasn't good enough for her as that semi hostile attitude was there until the puzzle was finished. It honestly reminded me of the type of person you see on sports teams every once in a while when things ‘aren't going well’ in a game or whatever they start to blame everyone around them on the team. To me it made no sense to see it in this situation working on a damn puzzle. But I figured it shouldn't be a huge issue as she had many positive things going for her. She has a bubbly personality which I was very attracted to, as I am typically the quieter one or at least I am far less talkative. She is smart and organized, has no debt, and potential for a good and stable job. She has a great supportive family and around this point I can really see a future with her.

 

The sex was great for a long time, probably 6 months. She did warn me at the beginning that she had a lower sex drive and that she was worried that she wouldn’t be able to keep up with me, but I also don’t have a huge sex drive so it seemed like it was fine. We would have sex maybe 2-3 times a week on the weekend, but eventually we got to the point where sometimes I would want it and she would not and I was frustrated with this and I let her know and this caused a huge argument with her going on sort of a tirade about how all men are pigs and I thought you were different etc. I honestly am not a super aggressive person, but I did voice my frustrations to her and this triggered what I would call a rage state. To explain, she has historic and known issues with anxiety which is severe enough in her case that if she gets pushed too far (which honestly doesn’t take a whole lot) she can get into an out of control rage state where she basically says awful things to me and even sometimes physically attacks me but fortunately she is not strong so it hasn’t lead to anything serious. Every single time this happens I am forced to basically say I agree and side with her in order for her to be able to exit this state. Any time I talk about a significant fight, this is part of what is going on. So that is what happened here and I just had to suck it up. Another issue with the sex was the lack of oral reciprocation. At the beginning I would go down on her almost every time but she wouldn’t reciprocate, except when she was on her period and we didn’t want to have sex she would very nicely help me out. But that was only for a total of maybe 5 times, whereas I was doing more. Eventually I talked to her about it and she said she doesn’t like doing it because she feels like she will throw up, my solution was that I am not looking for deepthroating which we sort of agreed would fix her issue but for some reason she just wouldn’t do it even with that and I started to resent the situation and I stopped going down on her as well. From my perspective I started to feel like what kind of entitled person is good with receiving but not reciprocating something like this? This was never resolved, and now we maybe have sex once every 2 months and I am forced to use the internet to attempt to meet my needs.

 

We definitely differ somewhat on politics, she is a standard liberal and I am probably more of a moderate. During the presidential election, we were talking about who we would vote for and I was saying I wanted to vote for a 3rd party candidate since I wasn’t a fan of either Trump or Biden and we were in massively blue state so from an electoral perspective I felt that my vote wouldn’t change anything and might as well vote 3rd party to show one of these candidates some support. She basically flipped out on this and said I either vote for Biden or we break up. This was kind of difficult for me because I felt kinda like I would have to give up my voting opinions to stay in the relationship. I also felt like logically it made no sense because there really is no chance in this state that the votes don’t go to Biden but she would not accept that which was frustrating. She also said if Trump won she would blame me, which again doesn’t make sense with the electoral situation. But I conceded for the sake of the relationship because like I said at the electoral level it wouldn’t matter.

 

Unfortunately the combination of all these fights and arguments must have started to erode my subconscious opinion of her as after probably a year long honeymoon phase the relationship started to go the way of most where you have to put work in to make it work. After 1 year she started to push very hard for us to move in together, at her place. I actually was fine with the weekend arrangement but I guess she was sick of the roughly 3 hours of driving every other weekend and basically gave me another ultimatum that if I don’t move in we are going to break up. I was really scared but I was still thinking that this relationship had a lot of positive things and maybe potential for a long term future and I didn’t want to just walk away so I moved in.

 

The final factors are physical fitness and general effort vs. laziness. When we first started dating I was extremely physically fit and was eating well. She was not fat or anything but she was not fit and all and maybe a smidge overweight. I didn’t mind at the time because I still thought she was cute and she would say things like she is trying to build a habit of doing yoga or going to the gym and eating better. But unfortunately that never happened, and when I moved in some of my good habits started to falter. I would still work out often, but when getting food I now had to worry about satisfying her and I wouldn’t be able to just order the healthy and good things that I liked all the time as she was fairly opinionated on what food she wanted. So I started to fall out of shape, although I am still probably above average I am not where I was or where I want to be and she also started to gain some weight and she feels bad about herself. While I tried to get her to start coming to the gym with me and eat better it really isn’t working well. She definitely had a harder job than me and after that went into a difficult grad program so she couldn’t or wouldn’t make time for or put the effort into it. What I consider to be a similar factor to this is doing chores around the apartment. She and I are both somewhat lazy with chores, that is a fact. The difference is she gets really anxious and frustrated about chores not being done and has high cleanliness standards etc. where I am not too worried about it and tend to get to them when they start to get kind of backed up. Her frustration about the chores doesn’t channel her into working on them but more into getting mad at me for not doing them. Like I said she had a harder job and then school and she used that as a reason for me to do most/all of the chores. Maybe that makes sense but I was kinda annoyed with the reasoning and I frequently slip up which leads into a fight about it.

 

As an anxious person she requires a lot of emotional support. While it is tiring to listen to a seemingly never-ending flow of her venting about things I have been up to the task for the most part. Unfortunately her anxiety tends to peak right before bed so right as I am trying to wind down and get ready for bed is when she needs my full undivided attention to listen to her. Recently I have started to notice that I just have less capacity and patience for her venting sessions. I don’t know how or why but I just get annoyed faster and I try to offer solutions to her issues that might make the conversation shift to something else but that is not at all what she wants, she just needs someone to listen, not really input anything. But then again if she detects that I am not listening good enough she will snap at me and say I am ignoring her! It’s tough.

 

We got in a fight recently that ended up in us deciding to take sort of a break, a few days to a week with me staying at my parents. I started off as her idea and although it was very hard I agreed as I felt that I needed some alone time to reset my emotionally maxed out system and reflect on the relationship in peace without the influence of being physically together affecting me. I was and am feeling very down but she reached out within a day saying she didn’t expect it to be this hard and that it’s not fair because she is in the dark waiting to see if we break up and she is fully committed to the relationship but I just need to get on board and start pulling my weight and that if I choose to not come back she says it is because I am too lazy to contribute to the relationship or am not ready for a real commitment. She basically gave me a much shorter amount of time saying she is suffering and I shouldn’t need much time to figure it out. This was frustrating because it was her idea that I leave for a bit and try to figure things out and now she is rushing me saying I should be able to figure it out quickly which stresses me out. I forgot to mention that before she suggested a break, I floated the idea of us trying some couple therapy but her response was that maybe I need to go to therapy and that she is good which kind of felt like a slap in the face. I am at the point where I’m not sure what I even want or need anymore and can use any sort of constructive advice from people with more emotional intelligence than I. Obviously her perspective would be totally different but I am hoping I have given enough information for some to read between the lines and see what is going on here objectively. And one final note is that this is heavily focused on the negative things as those are mostly what are on my mind at the moment, there are a good amount of positive things which I mentioned and when things are going good they are going good. Just not right now. Can I salvage this? Should I? Thanks. 

[Alex39]

I've been here. I'm 30 and I get it. I will be completely honest. Every paragraph you wrote- I said "They aren't compatible"

What happened- and I know, because I've done this. 

Sounds like you got along texting, you got along phone calls- but SHE talked a lot. Then because of the distance and covid, you went from talking to part time living together. 

This is the stage where you should be dating. Going out for a pizza, then going home separately.  Going to a dinner and a movie. Only seeing each other a few times a week. This is where you get to know the person and assess if they are right for you. 

You don't have similar lifestyles. You don't have similar world views. She puts you down a lot it seems and expects a lot but gives a little. 

You don't have anything in common, but because you jumped from phone calls to practically living together,you jumped straight into a relationship with the wrong person.

You are not compatible. I've done this a few times and I look back and regret it. It was fun and exciting, but then reality sets in that you aren't similar. 

She also sounds like she has severe untreated bipolar disorder. That's not good for you either. She needs help. 

I wouldn't even try salvaging this. As sad as you are. Move on, meet a girl  who likes giving you oral more, who likes similar politics to you, who doesn't freak out during a puzzle. 

They exist. I'm one of them. 

Move on. Read what you wrote again and think- are we compatible. 

It's okay to not be. Just realize that you rushed before knowing the real her. 

She isn't the one. And that's OK.

Next time you date, don't have sex for three months. Go on dates, go out, talk, interact, get to know one another more, before sex. Then you'll know if they are a right fit for you. 

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, relationshipsAreHard said:

she can get into an out of control rage state where she basically says awful things to me and even sometimes physically attacks me

Let's call this "rage state" what it is: abuse. 

Everything else in this relationship is a mess, and she is violent on top of that. What are you still doing there? It's not working, and it's not going to. So no, it cannot be salvaged nor do I think you should waste your time trying. 

Let her go and start working on your own self-esteem so you don't wind up in an abusive, dysfunctional relationship again. 

[Rose Mosse]

Who drives to see whom currently? Where is your family or what does your family think? You only speak about her place and her family.

She goes to school. Do you also go to school or work? How does she support herself? 

I ask to get a better idea of why she expects these things of you like cleaning or chores. We already know she's selfish, abusive and seems unable to manage her emotions.

You're hurt so you're focusing on a lot of the emotional wreckage and issues this relationship has left behind. I'm more interested in the logistics of things and why you'd see moving in with her as a viable option. Does it work for you? Where is your support network of friends and family? 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, relationshipsAreHard said:

when I moved in some of my good habits started to falter. 

Sorry this happened. It's good you moved out. You're incompatible on just about every level. People who are dating don't need "couples therapy", they need to break up.

It's not her fault you got lazy complacent and started coasting along on autopilot. You decided on this. 

Set yourselves free. Focus on your own health, fitness, profession and finances. Stop blaming her for your choices. 

[Tinydance]

Personally as I was reading your whole post, I mainly saw a lot of incompatibility and red flags (mainly on her end). First of all, she's emotionally and even physically abusive towards you. That is unacceptable. It doesn't matter that she has anxiety, acting in a rage and abusing you is wrong and anxiety is not an excuse. The statistics are something like 1 in 4 people either struggle or have struggled with mental health. Yet you don't see most people verbally, and especially physically, abusing their partner. Just that alone would make me break up with someone.

Secondly, I think you are too different in major beliefs and values. She sounds very strong willed and opinionated but also intolerant to other people's opinions. Saying things like: "Vote for Biden or I'll break up with you" is actually manipulative and controlling. If she only wants to date guys who follow her political persuasion, sure, that's her choice. But she has no right to force you to vote in a way that suits her. You're allowed to have your own beliefs and opinions.

Sounds like a lot of her attitude in a relationship is "it's my way or the highway", including forcing you to move in with her.

However, I just have a comment on a couple of other things you said. I think yes by all means we can get influenced by someone, but we can't really blame other people for our own behaviour. What I mean is, how you began to eat more unhealthy and not be as fit when you moved in with your girlfriend. At the end of the day, what you eat or whether you work out or not is your decision. So unless she also gave you an ultimatum like: "Eat junk food and just sit on the couch or I'll break up with you", I think you also need to take responsibility for this.

In terms of the oral sex thing. I think some people just don't actually like oral sex, for whatever reasons. I love doing it so I just do it for my partner because I enjoy it and I like to see them enjoying it. Some people I've been with didn't really reciprocate the actual oral sex, but they did other things for me like hand stuff. The way I feel is that if my partner is making an effort sexually in other ways, then it doesn't bother me.

In any case, I get the impression that you feel resentment towards your girlfriend and the oral sex is only the tip of the iceberg.

[Kwothe28]

It started nicely, but as you can see, somethings you discover along the way. You maybe managed to get along and be together. But its extreme incompatibilty from the lack of sex which causes you to be frustrated, her SJWness that causes her to be extreme politically, to her simply lashing at you and even hitting you. Its just something that you cant see right away either due to "rose collored glasses" or that it would just manifest later in a relationship. But, you are quite incompatible. 

Its "salvagable" from the side that you can always just give in. You would be with her but with the price of ignoring your own sex drive, and other stuff like literally suffering the abuse even if you are at the break up stage. I mean

13 hours ago, relationshipsAreHard said:

she is fully committed to the relationship but I just need to get on board and start pulling my weight and that if I choose to not come back she says it is because I am too lazy to contribute to the relationship or am not ready for a real commitment.

She literally put a dump on you even here.

So, just break up. You can both find better matches that can suit you more.

[Alex39]

Also, future advice. Don't change yourself or your standards for anyone. If it was your brother or sister being almost abused by their gf or bf, would you happily tell them to work it out? No. So why are you settling for her outbursts? You always have a choice not to. 

Why did you start eating unhealthy? Stick to what you like. If she doesn't like it, that's on her, not you. Then she isn't good for you. 

Vote for whomever you want. And don't let anyone threaten you. Stick to who you are and if she says anything, tell her to pound sand. 

[SooSad33]

This is straight out toxic and incompatibility.

It is just not good on you.  All above have explained this to you and I think you know this.

So, you get yourself out of this crap, and work on your recovery.   Live & learn, right?

Always think for YOU.  Take care of YOU.

 

[gamon]

Things are not going to get better, they can and are going from bad to worse.

The sooner you figure it out and pull the plug the better off you'll be in the long run.

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote, I've had the same "you better move in or we're finished" ultimatum and I too moved in. Recently that relationship ended, and even then I didn't realize how bad things were until about 2 months out when I could look back at it and now I shake my head,  and in my head the words are "*** was I thinking?"

[catfeeder]

I got as far as the physical attacks, and that's a deal breaker--rendering all else irrelevant.

Respect yourself and walk away. You will thank yourself later.

[Jackson5]

On 7/18/2022 at 5:17 PM, relationshipsAreHard said:

Sorry in advance for the incoherence, I am not a skilled writer.

 

My current 2 year relationship started off with the excitement/anxiety that I think many do. It began during the start of covid so at first it was a lot of highly involved texting, with the slight anxiety when sending a message where you don't know how the person will react, hours of waiting, and then the rush of dopamine when you get a positive message back.

 

We had a lot of similar interests in gaming, movies, and similar education backgrounds. After a week or 2 we moved to phone calls, some of which literally lasted 7+ hours with neither of us really wanting to get off but she for sure did most of the talking.

 

We quickly moved into the hanging out every weekend phase. We lived 1-2 hours away so hanging out on the weekends wasn’t too difficult in my opinion. We would spend almost whole days in bed for the first few months just cuddling, playing games, watching various shows, sex etc., and we both agreed it was pretty much complete bliss for many, many months which neither of us had experienced before.

 

One slightly negative experience that I can remember was one weekend at my place, she had brought a puzzle over and we were working on it. I noticed she was in a slightly more aggressive and focused mood and was working very hard on the puzzle. I am not passionate about puzzles but I do like doing them once in a while. The issue was she actually started sort of snapping at me due to my puzzle solving speed. She was for sure much faster than me at the puzzle but I was taken aback by her snapping things like “what are you doing!?, work on your section!” and I told her hey I am trying but I'm not very good at puzzles, which I guess wasn't good enough for her as that semi hostile attitude was there until the puzzle was finished. It honestly reminded me of the type of person you see on sports teams every once in a while when things ‘aren't going well’ in a game or whatever they start to blame everyone around them on the team. To me it made no sense to see it in this situation working on a damn puzzle. But I figured it shouldn't be a huge issue as she had many positive things going for her. She has a bubbly personality which I was very attracted to, as I am typically the quieter one or at least I am far less talkative. She is smart and organized, has no debt, and potential for a good and stable job. She has a great supportive family and around this point I can really see a future with her.

 

The sex was great for a long time, probably 6 months. She did warn me at the beginning that she had a lower sex drive and that she was worried that she wouldn’t be able to keep up with me, but I also don’t have a huge sex drive so it seemed like it was fine. We would have sex maybe 2-3 times a week on the weekend, but eventually we got to the point where sometimes I would want it and she would not and I was frustrated with this and I let her know and this caused a huge argument with her going on sort of a tirade about how all men are pigs and I thought you were different etc. I honestly am not a super aggressive person, but I did voice my frustrations to her and this triggered what I would call a rage state. To explain, she has historic and known issues with anxiety which is severe enough in her case that if she gets pushed too far (which honestly doesn’t take a whole lot) she can get into an out of control rage state where she basically says awful things to me and even sometimes physically attacks me but fortunately she is not strong so it hasn’t lead to anything serious. Every single time this happens I am forced to basically say I agree and side with her in order for her to be able to exit this state. Any time I talk about a significant fight, this is part of what is going on. So that is what happened here and I just had to suck it up. Another issue with the sex was the lack of oral reciprocation. At the beginning I would go down on her almost every time but she wouldn’t reciprocate, except when she was on her period and we didn’t want to have sex she would very nicely help me out. But that was only for a total of maybe 5 times, whereas I was doing more. Eventually I talked to her about it and she said she doesn’t like doing it because she feels like she will throw up, my solution was that I am not looking for deepthroating which we sort of agreed would fix her issue but for some reason she just wouldn’t do it even with that and I started to resent the situation and I stopped going down on her as well. From my perspective I started to feel like what kind of entitled person is good with receiving but not reciprocating something like this? This was never resolved, and now we maybe have sex once every 2 months and I am forced to use the internet to attempt to meet my needs.

 

We definitely differ somewhat on politics, she is a standard liberal and I am probably more of a moderate. During the presidential election, we were talking about who we would vote for and I was saying I wanted to vote for a 3rd party candidate since I wasn’t a fan of either Trump or Biden and we were in massively blue state so from an electoral perspective I felt that my vote wouldn’t change anything and might as well vote 3rd party to show one of these candidates some support. She basically flipped out on this and said I either vote for Biden or we break up. This was kind of difficult for me because I felt kinda like I would have to give up my voting opinions to stay in the relationship. I also felt like logically it made no sense because there really is no chance in this state that the votes don’t go to Biden but she would not accept that which was frustrating. She also said if Trump won she would blame me, which again doesn’t make sense with the electoral situation. But I conceded for the sake of the relationship because like I said at the electoral level it wouldn’t matter.

 

Unfortunately the combination of all these fights and arguments must have started to erode my subconscious opinion of her as after probably a year long honeymoon phase the relationship started to go the way of most where you have to put work in to make it work. After 1 year she started to push very hard for us to move in together, at her place. I actually was fine with the weekend arrangement but I guess she was sick of the roughly 3 hours of driving every other weekend and basically gave me another ultimatum that if I don’t move in we are going to break up. I was really scared but I was still thinking that this relationship had a lot of positive things and maybe potential for a long term future and I didn’t want to just walk away so I moved in.

 

The final factors are physical fitness and general effort vs. laziness. When we first started dating I was extremely physically fit and was eating well. She was not fat or anything but she was not fit and all and maybe a smidge overweight. I didn’t mind at the time because I still thought she was cute and she would say things like she is trying to build a habit of doing yoga or going to the gym and eating better. But unfortunately that never happened, and when I moved in some of my good habits started to falter. I would still work out often, but when getting food I now had to worry about satisfying her and I wouldn’t be able to just order the healthy and good things that I liked all the time as she was fairly opinionated on what food she wanted. So I started to fall out of shape, although I am still probably above average I am not where I was or where I want to be and she also started to gain some weight and she feels bad about herself. While I tried to get her to start coming to the gym with me and eat better it really isn’t working well. She definitely had a harder job than me and after that went into a difficult grad program so she couldn’t or wouldn’t make time for or put the effort into it. What I consider to be a similar factor to this is doing chores around the apartment. She and I are both somewhat lazy with chores, that is a fact. The difference is she gets really anxious and frustrated about chores not being done and has high cleanliness standards etc. where I am not too worried about it and tend to get to them when they start to get kind of backed up. Her frustration about the chores doesn’t channel her into working on them but more into getting mad at me for not doing them. Like I said she had a harder job and then school and she used that as a reason for me to do most/all of the chores. Maybe that makes sense but I was kinda annoyed with the reasoning and I frequently slip up which leads into a fight about it.

 

As an anxious person she requires a lot of emotional support. While it is tiring to listen to a seemingly never-ending flow of her venting about things I have been up to the task for the most part. Unfortunately her anxiety tends to peak right before bed so right as I am trying to wind down and get ready for bed is when she needs my full undivided attention to listen to her. Recently I have started to notice that I just have less capacity and patience for her venting sessions. I don’t know how or why but I just get annoyed faster and I try to offer solutions to her issues that might make the conversation shift to something else but that is not at all what she wants, she just needs someone to listen, not really input anything. But then again if she detects that I am not listening good enough she will snap at me and say I am ignoring her! It’s tough.

 

We got in a fight recently that ended up in us deciding to take sort of a break, a few days to a week with me staying at my parents. I started off as her idea and although it was very hard I agreed as I felt that I needed some alone time to reset my emotionally maxed out system and reflect on the relationship in peace without the influence of being physically together affecting me. I was and am feeling very down but she reached out within a day saying she didn’t expect it to be this hard and that it’s not fair because she is in the dark waiting to see if we break up and she is fully committed to the relationship but I just need to get on board and start pulling my weight and that if I choose to not come back she says it is because I am too lazy to contribute to the relationship or am not ready for a real commitment. She basically gave me a much shorter amount of time saying she is suffering and I shouldn’t need much time to figure it out. This was frustrating because it was her idea that I leave for a bit and try to figure things out and now she is rushing me saying I should be able to figure it out quickly which stresses me out. I forgot to mention that before she suggested a break, I floated the idea of us trying some couple therapy but her response was that maybe I need to go to therapy and that she is good which kind of felt like a slap in the face. I am at the point where I’m not sure what I even want or need anymore and can use any sort of constructive advice from people with more emotional intelligence than I. Obviously her perspective would be totally different but I am hoping I have given enough information for some to read between the lines and see what is going on here objectively. And one final note is that this is heavily focused on the negative things as those are mostly what are on my mind at the moment, there are a good amount of positive things which I mentioned and when things are going good they are going good. Just not right now. Can I salvage this? Should I? Thanks. 

If she said you need therapy but she doesn't is the only thing you need to know. That is a narcissist. I speak from experience with a person who would say exactly that.

[relationshipsAreHard]

First of thanks to everyone on here for taking the time to read and respond, I really appreciate it.

22 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Who drives to see whom currently? Where is your family or what does your family think? You only speak about her place and her family.

She goes to school. Do you also go to school or work? How does she support herself? 

I ask to get a better idea of why she expects these things of you like cleaning or chores. We already know she's selfish, abusive and seems unable to manage her emotions.

You're hurt so you're focusing on a lot of the emotional wreckage and issues this relationship has left behind. I'm more interested in the logistics of things and why you'd see moving in with her as a viable option. Does it work for you? Where is your support network of friends and family? 

 

 

Sorry if it wasn't clear but we already moved in together and I have been living at her place for like a year now, a lot of the deterioration and the end of the honeymoon phase happened after I moved in.

But to answer some of the questions, I work in the software industry and have been WFH since COVID started and still am. She also works in engineering but has a more in person job (she completed the grad program earlier this year and is back working). My job is for sure easier and pays about the same actually a little more and I think she has some jealousy or something along those lines for my much chiller job. I did try to help out more, even setting reminders on my phone to do certain chores since I honest to God typically don't notice or see that certain chores need to be done until they have built up a bit whereas she wants things done daily. I eventually slip up and it causes a fight.

I don't have much of a support network because I have a hard time talking to people about my problems but I eventually did talk to a couple friends and my family. Most had no idea of the negative things in my relationship because my GF has like a public facing side and then can be totally different when it is just me and her. My parents are worried about a future with her since the issues I am having are not really improving and they can see it is a having a negative effect on me.

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, relationshipsAreHard said:

 I have been living at her place for like a year now, a lot of the deterioration  happened after I moved in.

You need to move out. It's that simple. You can't just camp out at her place. Move back home to your family.

[relationshipsAreHard]

20 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. It's good you moved out. You're incompatible on just about every level. People who are dating don't need "couples therapy", they need to break up.

It's not her fault you got lazy complacent and started coasting along on autopilot. You decided on this. 

Set yourselves free. Focus on your own health, fitness, profession and finances. Stop blaming her for your choices. 

Thanks for the wakeup call on that honestly, I just realized I was kind of blaming her and the situation for my degradation but the fitness/diet is something that should still be in my control. Although I will say when I suggested that we each eat separate meals or takeout food from different places she would push back! lol

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, relationshipsAreHard said:

 when I suggested that we each eat separate meals or takeout food from different places she would push back! lol

You can't just park yourself in someone's place, get lazy, make messes and act like this. At this point you're not a partner you're a bad houseguest who's rude to her.

[relationshipsAreHard]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You can't just park yourself in someone's place, get lazy, make messes and act like this. At this point you're not a partner you're a bad houseguest who's rude to her.

Well hang on man, I pay for half of all the bills(including rent), and much more than half of the food expenses(which can be substantial). Maybe that wasn't clear. For a time I also was doing 90%+ of the chores, she did maybe 10%, maybe. Only recently did she start to contribute a bit more around the place but I am still doing more than 50% of the work, it just isn't enough for her.

[MissCanuck]

It's just time to break up, OP. 

Have you had a girlfriend before? If so, was it as unhealthy as this? I am wondering what your frame of reference is for relationships, because the red flags and dysfunction are on another level here and you don't seem to have really realized that until now. 

[Rose Mosse]

57 minutes ago, relationshipsAreHard said:

First of thanks to everyone on here for taking the time to read and respond, I really appreciate it.

Sorry if it wasn't clear but we already moved in together and I have been living at her place for like a year now, a lot of the deterioration and the end of the honeymoon phase happened after I moved in.

But to answer some of the questions, I work in the software industry and have been WFH since COVID started and still am. She also works in engineering but has a more in person job (she completed the grad program earlier this year and is back working). My job is for sure easier and pays about the same actually a little more and I think she has some jealousy or something along those lines for my much chiller job. I did try to help out more, even setting reminders on my phone to do certain chores since I honest to God typically don't notice or see that certain chores need to be done until they have built up a bit whereas she wants things done daily. I eventually slip up and it causes a fight.

I don't have much of a support network because I have a hard time talking to people about my problems but I eventually did talk to a couple friends and my family. Most had no idea of the negative things in my relationship because my GF has like a public facing side and then can be totally different when it is just me and her. My parents are worried about a future with her since the issues I am having are not really improving and they can see it is a having a negative effect on me.

 

Thanks for the added info. I think this moved too quickly and you're discovering your different expectations and temperaments. Did you keep your place? 

Do you actually see this woman in your garage, in your vehicle, in your kitchen or bed or life in years to come? Do you see her having your children or having children by her? If the answer is no, let go. There is no sense prolonging this. You're both hurting one another by arguing, her trying to change you, you being indecisive and so on. 

 

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, relationshipsAreHard said:

, I pay for half of all the bills(including rent), and much more than half of the food expenses.

Well yes anywhere you go you'll have to pay rent, utilities, food, living expenses,etc. If you are not on the lease, legally you're a houseguest. 

Move back home to your parents. It seems like you have never lived on your own or with anyone before. 

You are incompatible and have nothing but complaints about her. You won't even eat with her and you think she's fat lazy and bossy. And you're a victim because it's her fault you let yourself go.

Move out. Take some time off from dating and regroup.

[relationshipsAreHard]

32 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

It's just time to break up, OP. 

Have you had a girlfriend before? If so, was it as unhealthy as this? I am wondering what your frame of reference is for relationships, because the red flags and dysfunction are on another level here and you don't seem to have really realized that until now. 

Yeah one other girlfriend for 4 years, it had some different problems like over-drinking/partying and I guess I never really saw a future with her so the relationship just didn't end up going anywhere significant like she wanted and she left. Yeah idk if I just have a really bad case of rose-colored glasses or just don't always know what to look for.

19 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Thanks for the added info. I think this moved too quickly and you're discovering your different expectations and temperaments. Did you keep your place? 

Do you actually see this woman in your garage, in your vehicle, in your kitchen or bed or life in years to come? Do you see her having your children or having children by her? If the answer is no, let go. There is no sense prolonging this. You're both hurting one another by arguing, her trying to change you, you being indecisive and so on. 

 

I don't have a place but I could live with my parents temporarily and I work remotely so it would be fine. That's the thing, there was a time when I could see a future with her and I could see past the issues (or didn't even fully acknowledge them) and I thought she might be the one etc. But thinking back, I have had doubts about a long term future for months now and I would be to make any increased commitments to her. 

[MissCanuck]

7 minutes ago, relationshipsAreHard said:

Yeah idk if I just have a really bad case of rose-colored glasses or just don't always know what to look for.

I think you know abuse has no place in a relationship. 

Are you afraid to be alone? Sometimes that fear paralyzes people into staying in bad relationships. 

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, relationshipsAreHard said:

 I have had doubts about a long term future for months now 

That's the definition of coasting along. Like you did with the last one. You're the common denominator in that. It's just time to move out.

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, relationshipsAreHard said:

Yeah one other girlfriend for 4 years, it had some different problems like over-drinking/partying and I guess I never really saw a future with her so the relationship just didn't end up going anywhere significant like she wanted and she left. Yeah idk if I just have a really bad case of rose-colored glasses or just don't always know what to look for.

I don't have a place but I could live with my parents temporarily and I work remotely so it would be fine. That's the thing, there was a time when I could see a future with her and I could see past the issues (or didn't even fully acknowledge them) and I thought she might be the one etc. But thinking back, I have had doubts about a long term future for months now and I would be to make any increased commitments to her. 

Your parents are already aware of the situation more or less. If you don't see yourself with her, this is not going anywhere. It's a matter of processing this info and fixing your living situation (moving out). The relationship is over and acceptance will come later.

[relationshipsAreHard]

9 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I think you know abuse has no place in a relationship. 

Are you afraid to be alone? Sometimes that fear paralyzes people into staying in bad relationships. 

Yeah I think I definitely am. I worry about the struggle that it is to find a new meaningful relationship and I think of the 2 years that I have already put into this one. And although it may not sound like it I basically gave her everything I had for the 2 years so my whole life revolves around her.