Is my boyfriend addicted to porn? Should I be worried?

[EdnaMarie35]

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years. The first year was great, the relationship, the sex, I loved everything about it. Then all of a sudden about 8 months ago I noticed him beginning to not initiate sex as often. Then when we were having sex it seemed like he didn’t want to touch me at all, wanted me to do all of the “work”, and would not look me in the eyes like he used to, he even would close his eyes. This made me feel discouraged and I became almost ashamed of myself, not wanting to try to initiate sex anymore with fear of being rejected or have some distant sex where he’s probably closing his eyes imagining someone else. Over the weekend I finally decided to look through his phone because I just had to know for sure if there was someone else. There wasn’t, that I know of. But what I did find was porn. Which at first I chuckled at almost as if it was cute. Then I kept scrolling the history, and every single day for the past few weeks that the phone kept history on he watched porn. Sometimes even twice a day, morning and evening. So we had a very long discussion and I voiced how him watching porn like that made me feel and I addressed our sex issue and said that I think the porn has something to do with it. He brushed it off and said the classic “every guy watches porn”. He then confessed to me that he thought I was unhappy with him and that I never initiated sex anymore so he thought I wasn’t attracted to him anymore. Now that we both were able to be open with how we felt we decided moving forward to have more sex since we both want it. That was on a Sunday. That night we had sex, Monday night we had sex, it’s Tuesday night and I just gave him a blowjob. I checked his phone history after he fell asleep only to find he watched porn on Monday and watched porn this morning before going to work. It’s clear to me that he has a porn addiction. This is such an awkward topic and I know confronting him will not go well no matter how I do it or what I say. I need some honest ***ing opinions and advice because i feel so gross right now. I want to chop my head off of my body and just be a floating head. Sorry, but help please?

[MissCanuck]

25 minutes ago, EdnaMarie35 said:

I want to chop my head off of my body and just be a floating head

I realize this is hyperbole, but when you're in a relationship that makes you feel this way...you're really in the wrong relationship. 

Yes, I agree that it's an addiction at this point. Twice a day is a problem, not just having a little fun and getting off now and then. I would not stay in this relationship. It's not going to be worth feeling horrible about yourself all the time and feeling like you need to have sex all the time to compete with his porn viewing.

I'm sorry. 

[EdnaMarie35]

23 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I realize this is hyperbole, but when you're in a relationship that makes you feel this way...you're really in the wrong relationship. 

Yes, I agree that it's an addiction at this point. Twice a day is a problem, not just having a little fun and getting off now and then. I would not stay in this relationship. It's not going to be worth feeling horrible about yourself all the time and feeling like you need to have sex all the time to compete with his porn viewing.

I'm sorry. 

You’re right, but I wonder if there’s hope? I haven’t asked him directly to stop, and if I do maybe he will? Can someone who watches porn 4-6 days out of the week just stop without professional help? I appreciate your input, in my head I know you’re right but the other side of me still has hope

[MissCanuck]

7 minutes ago, EdnaMarie35 said:

 in my head I know you’re right but the other side of me still has hope

Which is normal, because you love him and aren't ready to let go yet. 

But that little bit of hope would not be worth the damage to your self-esteem and overall damage to the relationship. 

7 minutes ago, EdnaMarie35 said:

I haven’t asked him directly to stop, and if I do maybe he will?

I doubt it, if he's this dependent on it. You've already told him how awful it makes you feel and he went right back to it. 

7 minutes ago, EdnaMarie35 said:

Can someone who watches porn 4-6 days out of the week just stop without professional help?

Extremely unlikely. 

And honestly, it won't be worth the struggle. There are far better men out there who don't have this problem, and would make you feel like a goddess without you having to suffer for it. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, EdnaMarie35 said:

  and I just gave him a blowjob. I checked his phone history after he fell asleep only to find he watched porn on Monday 

How old is he? Do you live together?

Stop giving him oral. Stop having sex with him. 

He's selfish. It's that simple. 

Don't waste your time policing his porn or rifling through his phone or lecturing him.

He's lost interest, gotten lazy and complacent and sadly you're enabling that.

Your premises are that he's "addicted" to porn.  But that's incorrect. He's selfish and you assist him in that with blowjobs and zero intimacy or relationship requirements

End it. You're sexually incompatible.

[EdnaMarie35]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How old is he? Do you live together?

 

He is 32 and I am 27. He gradually started staying at my house since we have been dating and stays here every night but hasn’t officially “moved in”.

[EdnaMarie35]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Stop giving him oral. Stop having sex with him. 

He's selfish. It's that simple. 

Don't waste your time policing his porn or rifling through his phone or lecturing him.

He's lost interest, gotten lazy and complacent and sadly you're enabling that.

Your premises are that he's "addicted" to porn.  But that's incorrect. He's selfish and you assist him in that with blowjobs and zero intimacy or relationship requirements

End it. You're sexually incompatible

Thanks for the perspective, ive never thought about it this way. I am sad to see this is my reality. I appreciate your thoughts on the situation. I can’t say I’m not heart broken…

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, EdnaMarie35 said:

He is 32 and I am 27. He gradually started staying at my house since we have been dating and stays here every night but hasn’t officially “moved in”.

Stop letting him sleep over. Where does he live? You seem to be overinvesting while he just coasts along acting like he has a free BNB and taking care of himself and asking you to please him. There's no need to accommodate someone so selfish. 

[reinventmyself]

Before you throw it away it owe it yourself to ask for change first.  Granted it may mean more of the same and the only way to know it likely more policing.  That and he may just get better at hiding it.

If you're up for it, insist on change.  That habit is hard to break but you some people are able to walk away from it.  You won't know unless you ask.  If you are not up to the struggle, noone would blame you.

For no other reason than - you'll have no regrets.

[mical]

I don’t think the issue is about porn, but that you either don’t trust him or worry he doesn’t care as much, in which case you should let him know that you feel this way.

I was curious what % of people watch porn and came across this - “73 percent of women and 98 percent of men reported internet porn use in the last six months, for a total of 85 percent of respondents. For porn use within the last week, the numbers were lower: 80 percent of men and 26 percent of women.”

I didn’t expect the numbers to be so high for women. Lots of naughty people out there! 😆 

[EdnaMarie35]

11 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

Before you throw it away it owe it yourself to ask for change first.  Granted it may mean more of the same and the only way to know it likely more policing.  That and he may just get better at hiding it.

If you're up for it, insist on change.  That habit is hard to break but you some people are able to walk away from it.  You won't know unless you ask.  If you are not up to the struggle, noone would blame you.

For no other reason than - you'll have no regrets.

Thanks for this, thats definitely what it comes down to is if I am up to the struggle or not. I feel like I’ve already invested 2 years into this and of course I love him very much. Such a hard decision, I appreciate your help

[EdnaMarie35]

3 hours ago, mical said:

I don’t think the issue is about porn, but that you either don’t trust him or worry he doesn’t care as much, in which case you should let him know that you feel this way.

I was curious what % of people watch porn and came across this - “73 percent of women and 98 percent of men reported internet porn use in the last six months, for a total of 85 percent of respondents. For porn use within the last week, the numbers were lower: 80 percent of men and 26 percent of women.”

I didn’t expect the numbers to be so high for women. Lots of naughty people out there! 😆 

This is true, it really isn’t about the porn. I’m hip to the “all guys watch it” and I watch it from time to time as well. It’s the way I described how it happens and how it makes me feel about myself. Before reading some of the responses I honestly thought to myself that this is my problem, it’s what I’m creating in my head, what’s the big deal really? And I guess it just comes down to I can’t help the way I feel, I just need to learn to cope and I am struggling with that. Thank you for your honest opinion

[lostandhurt]

I agree you shouldn't just give up on an otherwise good relationship with someone you are in love with.

If the relationship is to survive he needs to stop watching porn on his own accord, not because you police him like you are his parent. That will lead to resentment and a breakup.

  Saying he is addicted is not accurate.  Look up addiction and the symptoms. Does he watch way to much porn?  Absolutely but I don't think a clinician would diagnose addiction yet.

 He has a beautiful woman that wants to be intimate with him and yet he chooses fantasy instead of real life.  That is the question that needs to be posed to him.  Why is he watching porn so often? Does he think it is a problem? Does he think it is affecting the intimacy in the relationship? 

In the end he has to want to stop and if he doesn't it will only get worse.  He will begin to loose his erection with you, avoid intimacy and then finally use porn for all his wants and needs.

  Ultimatums are not a good idea so don't threaten breaking up over porn.  You can talk to him about your concerns and say things like "I don't see how our relationship can continue when porn is ruining our intimacy"

 Good on you for speaking up and talking this out but you need to articulate to him how serious a threat to the relationship porn has become.  He needs to choose just like he is choosing to watch it so often.  If he really wants to he can stop, he needs to want to though.

The relationship is on the line so don't back away from your concerns.  Also don't let the fact that you have dated 2 years stop you from ending it if he does not step up and put you and the relationship first.

 Be brave, be smart and stick up for the relationship.

  Lost

[SherrySher]

19 hours ago, EdnaMarie35 said:

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years. The first year was great, the relationship, the sex, I loved everything about it. Then all of a sudden about 8 months ago I noticed him beginning to not initiate sex as often. Then when we were having sex it seemed like he didn’t want to touch me at all, wanted me to do all of the “work”, and would not look me in the eyes like he used to, he even would close his eyes. This made me feel discouraged and I became almost ashamed of myself, not wanting to try to initiate sex anymore with fear of being rejected or have some distant sex where he’s probably closing his eyes imagining someone else. Over the weekend I finally decided to look through his phone because I just had to know for sure if there was someone else. There wasn’t, that I know of. But what I did find was porn. Which at first I chuckled at almost as if it was cute. Then I kept scrolling the history, and every single day for the past few weeks that the phone kept history on he watched porn. Sometimes even twice a day, morning and evening. So we had a very long discussion and I voiced how him watching porn like that made me feel and I addressed our sex issue and said that I think the porn has something to do with it. He brushed it off and said the classic “every guy watches porn”. He then confessed to me that he thought I was unhappy with him and that I never initiated sex anymore so he thought I wasn’t attracted to him anymore. Now that we both were able to be open with how we felt we decided moving forward to have more sex since we both want it. That was on a Sunday. That night we had sex, Monday night we had sex, it’s Tuesday night and I just gave him a blowjob. I checked his phone history after he fell asleep only to find he watched porn on Monday and watched porn this morning before going to work. It’s clear to me that he has a porn addiction. This is such an awkward topic and I know confronting him will not go well no matter how I do it or what I say. I need some honest ***ing opinions and advice because i feel so gross right now. I want to chop my head off of my body and just be a floating head. Sorry, but help please?

Your boyfriend enjoys porn. It's got nothing to do with you and how attractive you are. 

He still would be looking at porn regardless of who is was dating.

He does have an addiction to it, and he's kidding himself that's it's fine with saying "every guy watches porn".

He's watching it to an excess, and no, it's not healthy.

What can you do about it? Unfortunately, not a lot.

You could possibly suggest to him that he has a problem, but no doubt he wouldn't agree with you and you'd get into an argument.

Anyone that has an addiction, won't believe they have a problem unless they decide for themselves they have a problem.

No one else will be able to convince them.

If your boyfriend doesn't see an issue, he won't stop watching porn.

If you complain, he will just find ways to watch it in a more sneaky manner.

The only thing you can do is to decide if you want to deal with a boyfriend who is going to constantly watch porn, or leave him.

But you cannot force, or guilt, or punish, or demand he stop.

He's going to have to want to stop on his own, and by the sounds of it, he doesn't want to stop.

[SherrySher]

46 minutes ago, EdnaMarie35 said:

Before reading some of the responses I honestly thought to myself that this is my problem, it’s what I’m creating in my head, what’s the big deal really?

It's actually a big deal, yes.

He is picturing women in a porn, instead of focusing on the woman in his life. 

You can pretend that it doesn't hurt, but it does. And you know what? Lots and lots of women feel the same way as you.

Porn watching from one partner can most definitely affect the intimacy, the closeness and if he is watching it that much, it will start to affect his ability to have a decent sex life.

It also bashes your ego, and that's also normal to feel that way.

Not many women can honestly say that they feel good about their significant other getting hot over another woman (even if it is on screen).

He could also start to have issues getting aroused (which it sounds like he already does). He will start having issues being able to maintain and erection, and he will start to have problems having an orgasm.

He is getting his brain so used to being hard wired to porn, that he is ruining the quality of his sex life with you, his partner.

It's a real thing, don't dismiss it and think it's made up.

These issues in particular has been noticed far more in this generation than any other due to the availability of porn.

It's becoming a definite issue with younger guys (under 35) having far more problems then ever with their sex lives, and the majority of it comes down to porn.

Lastly, please stop diminishing your own feelings by confusing yourself and trying to convince yourself that what he's doing doesn't matter....that "all guys do it". Or that it's not a big deal.

Has everyone over a certain age most likely seen porn? Probably. But does everyone (even guys) watch it to that degree? No...not everyone does.

Believe it or not, there are men out there who are more than happy with their partner and don't need porn like that.

I think todays society are so used to the idea of porn that they try to normalize it, when normalizing watching other people have sex in the most graphic way, really isn't normal, you know?

At least not to the level of needing/wanting to see it to that degree where it's an every day thing.

YOU are allowed to not like it. YOU are allowed to want to be with a partner who isn't watching porn to this degree. YOU are allowed to even be disgusted with it.

You're not alone, lots of women feel the same and prefer to find a partner who isn't needing/or wanting to watch porn on a daily basis like this (and yes, men like that do exist!).

I know you love him, but he is into porn.

You can either end things with him and try to find someone who doesn't need porn like this, or you can push your feelings down inside of you, ignore you needs, convince yourself that it doesn't matter, that you're "cool" with it.

But eventually it will blow up. 

You and he aren't the same when it comes to this issue and you will be hurt by it if you stay.

Sometimes the person you really want to be with, just can't, or won't ever be the person you want them to be.

 

[Wiseman2]

On 6/29/2022 at 2:16 AM, EdnaMarie35 said:

 I noticed him beginning to not initiate sex as often. Then when we were having sex it seemed like he didn’t want to touch me at all, wanted me to do all of the “work”.

This is a relationship problem, not a porn problem. Sadly you're hoping for a quick fix. "If he stops the porn it will restore the relationship". But that's not the case. 

You're only going by what you happened to find on his phone rather than the bigger picture of him losing interest and just coasting along.

It's much harder to face that than assuming he has a "porn addiction". It's easy to google 'porn addiction" and get results you would rather believe.

Step back. You need to change things if you want change. Stop letting him sleep over constantly. Stop doing all the "work" in bed.

Be very busy. Let him wonder what's going on. Why you're out more. Why he can't sleep over. Why there's no more bjs.

In the meantime go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get tested for STDs. What you happened to notice on his phone doesn't explain his disinterest. 

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. Discuss this issue, why you are overinvesting and his lassitude and why you're afraid to leave.

[EdnaMarie35]

9 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

I agree you shouldn't just give up on an otherwise good relationship with someone you are in love with.

If the relationship is to survive he needs to stop watching porn on his own accord, not because you police him like you are his parent. That will lead to resentment and a breakup.

  Saying he is addicted is not accurate.  Look up addiction and the symptoms. Does he watch way to much porn?  Absolutely but I don't think a clinician would diagnose addiction yet.

 He has a beautiful woman that wants to be intimate with him and yet he chooses fantasy instead of real life.  That is the question that needs to be posed to him.  Why is he watching porn so often? Does he think it is a problem? Does he think it is affecting the intimacy in the relationship? 

In the end he has to want to stop and if he doesn't it will only get worse.  He will begin to loose his erection with you, avoid intimacy and then finally use porn for all his wants and needs.

  Ultimatums are not a good idea so don't threaten breaking up over porn.  You can talk to him about your concerns and say things like "I don't see how our relationship can continue when porn is ruining our intimacy"

 Good on you for speaking up and talking this out but you need to articulate to him how serious a threat to the relationship porn has become.  He needs to choose just like he is choosing to watch it so often.  If he really wants to he can stop, he needs to want to though.

The relationship is on the line so don't back away from your concerns.  Also don't let the fact that you have dated 2 years stop you from ending it if he does not step up and put you and the relationship first.

 Be brave, be smart and stick up for the relationship.

  Lost

I can’t thank you enough for this input. 2 days ago I posted this because I was at such a loss I didn’t know who to turn to or what to do. I felt that way because I did bring up to him how it made me feel but I didn’t let on that I can see his browser history and I didn’t make any demands to stop watching porn because of the exact reasons you said. I don’t want to police him and control him because he will only resent me for it in the end. I’m feeling extra hurt because even after we talked, had sex 3 days in a row he still watched porn on those same days we had sex. He doesn’t know that I know this and I haven’t brought it up because then he will know I’m looking at his history and will probably just start deleting his history. But that kind of leads me to believe that even though he knows it could be hurting us and me, he still wanted to watch it anyway assuming that I just would never know. Which makes me think he doesn’t really want to stop on his own and does not think it’s a problem in anyway. Tell me if this idea is too crazy:

my next plan is to have sex as much as we urge to with each other, and see if the problem of him not initiating is still happening then I will “track” the days he watched porn and see if that is actually affecting our sex life. I suppose it will take about a month? What are your thoughts?

[EdnaMarie35]

9 hours ago, SherrySher said:

Your boyfriend enjoys porn. It's got nothing to do with you and how attractive you are. 

He still would be looking at porn regardless of who is was dating.

He does have an addiction to it, and he's kidding himself that's it's fine with saying "every guy watches porn".

He's watching it to an excess, and no, it's not healthy.

What can you do about it? Unfortunately, not a lot.

You could possibly suggest to him that he has a problem, but no doubt he wouldn't agree with you and you'd get into an argument.

Anyone that has an addiction, won't believe they have a problem unless they decide for themselves they have a problem.

No one else will be able to convince them.

If your boyfriend doesn't see an issue, he won't stop watching porn.

If you complain, he will just find ways to watch it in a more sneaky manner.

The only thing you can do is to decide if you want to deal with a boyfriend who is going to constantly watch porn, or leave him.

But you cannot force, or guilt, or punish, or demand he stop.

He's going to have to want to stop on his own, and by the sounds of it, he doesn't want to stop.

All emotions aside this is exactly what it comes down to. You’re right it’s ultimately up to me to decide if I can be okay with his porn watching habits. I guess my apprehensive mind thinks that if porn is actually causing our lack of sex problem right now, it will only get worse in the future and do I want to risk putting more into this relationship if it’s only going to crash and burn later because we aren’t sexual anymore because of his porn addiction? This is the choice I’m struggling with, love is blinding and it’s hard to make a rational decision. I appreciate your input, I will likely come back your post and read it many times for help in my decision.

[EdnaMarie35]

9 hours ago, SherrySher said:

It's actually a big deal, yes.

He is picturing women in a porn, instead of focusing on the woman in his life. 

You can pretend that it doesn't hurt, but it does. And you know what? Lots and lots of women feel the same way as you.

Porn watching from one partner can most definitely affect the intimacy, the closeness and if he is watching it that much, it will start to affect his ability to have a decent sex life.

It also bashes your ego, and that's also normal to feel that way.

Not many women can honestly say that they feel good about their significant other getting hot over another woman (even if it is on screen).

He could also start to have issues getting aroused (which it sounds like he already does). He will start having issues being able to maintain and erection, and he will start to have problems having an orgasm.

He is getting his brain so used to being hard wired to porn, that he is ruining the quality of his sex life with you, his partner.

It's a real thing, don't dismiss it and think it's made up.

These issues in particular has been noticed far more in this generation than any other due to the availability of porn.

It's becoming a definite issue with younger guys (under 35) having far more problems then ever with their sex lives, and the majority of it comes down to porn.

Lastly, please stop diminishing your own feelings by confusing yourself and trying to convince yourself that what he's doing doesn't matter....that "all guys do it". Or that it's not a big deal.

Has everyone over a certain age most likely seen porn? Probably. But does everyone (even guys) watch it to that degree? No...not everyone does.

Believe it or not, there are men out there who are more than happy with their partner and don't need porn like that.

I think todays society are so used to the idea of porn that they try to normalize it, when normalizing watching other people have sex in the most graphic way, really isn't normal, you know?

At least not to the level of needing/wanting to see it to that degree where it's an every day thing.

YOU are allowed to not like it. YOU are allowed to want to be with a partner who isn't watching porn to this degree. YOU are allowed to even be disgusted with it.

You're not alone, lots of women feel the same and prefer to find a partner who isn't needing/or wanting to watch porn on a daily basis like this (and yes, men like that do exist!).

I know you love him, but he is into porn.

You can either end things with him and try to find someone who doesn't need porn like this, or you can push your feelings down inside of you, ignore you needs, convince yourself that it doesn't matter, that you're "cool" with it.

But eventually it will blow up. 

You and he aren't the same when it comes to this issue and you will be hurt by it if you stay.

Sometimes the person you really want to be with, just can't, or won't ever be the person you want them to be.

 

I needed to hear this, thank you for validating my feelings. It’s hard to judge whose right and wrong when I’m in the middle of this. I’m so heart broken, everything else about him is everything I’ve ever hoped I would find in love. Like you said unless he stops, this will continue and things probably will turn bad in the end. The only way it could get better would involve me being so controlling of his internet usage and even then it can all be so easily hidden. I’m curious on your opinion on my plan to “track” the says of sex and porn use I mentioned above?

[Wiseman2]

On 6/29/2022 at 2:16 AM, EdnaMarie35 said:

Then all of a sudden about 8 months ago I noticed him beginning to not initiate sex as often. Then when we were having sex it seemed like he didn’t want to touch me at all, wanted me to do all of the “work”, and would not look me in the eyes like he used to, he even would close his eyes.

What happened 8 months ago? You seem to describe an abrupt turnabout in his interest. He's probably masturbated to porn since puberty, so what makes you think it's that? You seem to have stumbled across one piece of the puzzle but there's more to this.

Was there a change in jobs? Finances? In his life, yours?  Changes in mental or physical health? Changes in the amount of time you spend together? Or go out or communicate or affection in general?

[SherrySher]

2 hours ago, EdnaMarie35 said:

I needed to hear this, thank you for validating my feelings. It’s hard to judge whose right and wrong when I’m in the middle of this. I’m so heart broken, everything else about him is everything I’ve ever hoped I would find in love. Like you said unless he stops, this will continue and things probably will turn bad in the end. The only way it could get better would involve me being so controlling of his internet usage and even then it can all be so easily hidden. I’m curious on your opinion on my plan to “track” the says of sex and porn use I mentioned above?

No, becoming his security guard is going to make for a very unhappy situation, and it should never be that way.

It's you again, trying to make him into someone he is not, and yes it's sad.

Unfortunately, he is the only one who can stop these behaviors on his own free will. You can let him know it's hurting you, but only he can stop on his own if he chooses to.

We meet people in our life and parts of them we fall in love with, but eventually we see parts of them that are hurting us.

It does become heart breaking when the parts we love are being hurt by the parts of them we don't love.

Then it becomes a struggle between the heart and mind as to which one to go with.

That's where you are right now.

In you mind, you know this man isn't a good fit for you. You don't like his porn usage, you don't feel comfortable with it, you no longer what it to be in your life.

And as I was telling you before, you're not alone, many women feel the same as you. (even men!).

But your heart is remembering the parts of him you do love and you can't work out which one is more important.

We can only advise you, give you suggestions, but at the end of the day, you are the one who is going to have to live with the decisions and how they are affecting you.

Which is going to be harder: 1.) Living with a man who enjoys watching other women, being turned on by other women (even if it's porn, it's still other women). Having your sex life become less and less. Knowing that you aren't going to be enough anymore to arouse him, and having your self esteem become less and less due to it.

or

2.) Ending the relationship and admitting to yourself that the above is going to become too painful.

Right now you're not sure, but what I can tell you is, you cannot force him to do as you say, to change as you want him to, to restrict him.

It's never okay to force people, or to patrol them etc. When you notice yourself wanting to do those things, then it's huge red flags for you to realize that this is not the person meant for you.

I know we all so often feel we want that person to change so badly, we feel that if we could ONLY change this one thing, then things would be perfect.

But life doesn't work that way.

He is allowed freedom of choice. He is allowed to do what he wants to do.

The only thing you should or can control is yourself and if you want to remain in this situation with him, or not.

I hope and pray for you to get clarity in your mind over all of this. I know it's not easy, but please don't diminish your own pain and put it aside in order to please this other person.

In the end, you only end up betraying yourself and your own heart.

[lostandhurt]

Running experiments or tests on your relationship is probably not a good idea.  I know you are hoping it will all work out and you can stay together with good results from your survey but you cannot compete with porn nor should you have to.

  I know talking about this is hard but the alternative is breaking up so which is harder?  Which will hurt more?

 Bring up it up again but this time as a concern after you have gotten some good info on the affects of porn on a relationship.  Ask him straight out how often he watches porn.  Everyone lies about how often or even if they look at porn so be prepared for less than the total truth but it should be somewhere close.  He will not want to look like some porn addict so he will at least cut it by half more than likely.

The key here is to keep the discussion going so he can understand how much his porn watching ultimately hurts you, your self image, your feeling of being wanted and desired and your sense of security and self worth in the relationship.

 This is a problem for you and he needs to know this.  It simply is not fair to either of you to break up over this without making sure he knows all the facts and feelings on your side of this.

  This could be a bad habit he needs to break but until he really sees and feels the impact it is having on you he is not likely to make a change.

  This is tough territory to cover but you have every right to express your feelings and be heard.

  Don't try and out sex his desire to watch porn, don't try and be these fake women he is watching, just be the woman he fell in love with.  If that isn't enough then he has made your choice for you hasn't he?

  Keep posting

 Lost

[Andrina]

Sadly, addictions usually always win out over any person in the addicts life. It takes an epiphany for a person to no longer be an addict, either by will power or professional treatment.

What would I do in your shoes? Be honest with how you feel. I'd say something like:

"I hoped to build a beautiful life with you. However, during the last 8 months, there's been an emotional connection lacking in intimacy. What I've read about how regular porn viewing scares me. It can actually change the neurons of the brain where a person's go-to for excitement ends up being the porn instead of a live human being.

You argue the point, so even if you think your amount is normal or minimal, the fact is whatever the amount you're engaging in now, is affecting you.

I love you and want a lifetime with you, but don't see that happening unless major changes take place. I'd like to book an appt. for us to go to a therapist to work together to improve our relationship."

If he balks and refuses therapy, unfortunately he's choosing the addiction over you. People who care will comply to reasonable requests, wanting their partner to be happy, and facing embarrassment and tough effort to overcome the addiction and/or issue.

I know how it feels to have a great beginning that falls apart, and you hang on, hoping for the good stuff to return. It's only good to wait around for change, however, if your partner actively begins the effort needed to get mentally healthy. If he doesn't, you have to then do the hard task of moving on for your own good.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

[mical]

20 hours ago, EdnaMarie35 said:

This is true, it really isn’t about the porn. I’m hip to the “all guys watch it” and I watch it from time to time as well. It’s the way I described how it happens and how it makes me feel about myself. Before reading some of the responses I honestly thought to myself that this is my problem, it’s what I’m creating in my head, what’s the big deal really? And I guess it just comes down to I can’t help the way I feel, I just need to learn to cope and I am struggling with that. Thank you for your honest opinion

No prob 🙂 maybe he just needs a little “encouragement” to give reassurance every once a while 

[EdnaMarie35]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What happened 8 months ago? You seem to describe an abrupt turnabout in his interest. He's probably masturbated to porn since puberty, so what makes you think it's that? You seem to have stumbled across one piece of the puzzle but there's more to this.

Was there a change in jobs? Finances? In his life, yours?  Changes in mental or physical health? Changes in the amount of time you spend together? Or go out or communicate or affection in general?

Wow… I just realized what happened 8 months ago and could possibly be related. Pre-cancerous cells were found on my cervix and I had a procedure to remove the cells. There is as 2-3 weeks recovery period where I couldn’t have sex. But I still did oral at least a few times during that period. I’m not sure if this is relavent, maybe it’s something else but this is the o my thing I can think of.