Wife doesn't orgasm

[hub49]

I'm 49 male, wife is 45. We have been married almost 20 years. The relationship is good overall. We have fun in the bedroom for the most part but she has never orgasmed with me. 

She does not let me touch her vagina or perform oral sex on her, so it's pretty much just penetration which is not going to get her there. 

She said something a few weeks ago that I was confused at. We were having sex and she told me that she needed me to finish. No problem, I was close anyway. She then said that when she peaks, she goes dry quickly and needs me to finish soon afterward. 

The lack of orgasm has caused tension in the relationship and she is modest in talking about sex, so I didn't ask her to clarify her comment. It was a good encounter so l left well enough alone. 

This will make me sound horrible, so I don't need anyone to pile on. I feel a lot of sadness, shame and anger that she hasn't orgasmed. It seems like a key part of the relationship is missing. At times I interpret this as a lack of love for me (i.e., it wouldn't be a problem if she had a different partner). I don't want to have an affair. That would just be wrong. But I often wonder if I'd benefit from a fresh start with someone else. 

 

 

 

[reinventmyself]

Google this.  It is normal for a certain percentage to not orgasm.  You need to try to not make this about you and a failure on your part.  It's entirely not fair to either of you.

From what you describe everything is otherwise fine.  Though she's not very adventurous in the bedroom, I'll assume she was this way when you decided to marry her.  Is it fair to hold that against her 20 years later?

"I feel a lot of sadness, shame and anger that she hasn't orgasmed"  Unnecessary grief you put on yourself for something that is consider normal for some.  Educate yourself.  You may feel better about it.

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, hub49 said:

I'm 49 male, wife is 45. I often wonder if I'd benefit from a fresh start with someone else. 

How is your marriage overall? Do you have children at home? Your obsession with this after so many years indicates you are going through midlife crisis, fear of missing out and using this as an excuse to justify that. Her orgasmic capacity has nothing to do with you. 

[smackie9]

She might be experiencing perimenopause, so the start of vaginal dryness is normal. Why haven't you two try toys and lube? like a small vibrator that's not so intrusive.  Make Note it's possible she was molested as a child. That can cause all kinds of sexual issues in adulthood. 

[mylolita]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

She might be experiencing perimenopause, so the start of vaginal dryness is normal. Why haven't you two try toys and lube? like a small vibrator that's not so intrusive.  Make Note it's possible she was molested as a child. That can cause all kinds of sexual issues in adulthood. 

Dear Hub,

 

This last point made by smackie is sadly something you might have to consider - you might want to have a loving, caring, and honest conversation with your wife. Try not to put blame or, push anger or frustration into the convocation. Maybe ask her, out of love and respect, if everything was okay in her childhood? And that you would never hold it against her, you just want to be there for her and help. It could clear some issues up.

 

If not, I can see both sides, I really can. Having a great sex life does realistically include having both people, on a regular basis, climax. It’s the satisfaction and togetherness and release and all the rest of it that brings a couple together. Plus, from a male perspective, I can imagine some men would like to think, I drive her wild. That’s also understandable. 
 

I’ve never personally had this problem so I can’t speak from experience but, I do know it is quite common for women not to be able to climax from penetration alone. 
 

Sometimes just the woman really knowing and being comfortable and confident in her sexual needs and desires and body can give her the knowledge to help her guide you. Sometimes when one partner is not confident in that department to just say and ask for what they need, things can really fall short.

 

Sex is such a huge part of a romantic relationship, it needs to be good and okay for most of your marriage or people really struggle.

 

This seems to be a communication issue. She is happy maybe coasting. Sometimes people are just less sexual than others also. This needs to be discussed in a non-judgemental space between you two. Everyone’s drives are different. No two people are really going to match perfectly, all the time!

 

My husband is always after it! Twice a day! We’ve been together 15 years and he is still the same! I nearly match him but not always. It’s often different for a woman - other things can get in the way and affect her mood. It can be quite complicated. There is an old saying that, men need sex to feel connected, and women need to feel connected to have sex. You can see why there is often a problem here!

 

I don’t know how deep this problem runs with your wife. I don’t know is she has deeper issues with the marriage, issues surrounding sex, her sexuality, her sex drive. We just don’t know until you talk to her, hold her close, tell her how much you love her but that you want to satisfy her sexually and that is a big passion of yours. 
 

Introduction of toys can help, but it won’t solve any deep rooted problems. 
 

Some people also just aren’t that into sex. There is a possibility of that. Or maybe the things you are doing, need to be changed and she isn’t speaking up. 
 

Sex therapy can help some couples. But I would have a loving conversation with her first, try find out what is going on, what she would like, what she needs. Maybe ask her, in an ideal world, what would her perfect romantic time look like? What would her dream scenario be? Does she have any fantasies? Often, so many couples never talk this way to each other. It’s one of the reasons why things go stale.

 

All the best,

 

looking forward to hearing some other probably more helpful and useful suggestions!

 

x

[SherrySher]

2 hours ago, hub49 said:

I'm 49 male, wife is 45. We have been married almost 20 years. The relationship is good overall. We have fun in the bedroom for the most part but she has never orgasmed with me. 

She does not let me touch her vagina or perform oral sex on her, so it's pretty much just penetration which is not going to get her there. 

She said something a few weeks ago that I was confused at. We were having sex and she told me that she needed me to finish. No problem, I was close anyway. She then said that when she peaks, she goes dry quickly and needs me to finish soon afterward. 

The lack of orgasm has caused tension in the relationship and she is modest in talking about sex, so I didn't ask her to clarify her comment. It was a good encounter so l left well enough alone. 

This will make me sound horrible, so I don't need anyone to pile on. I feel a lot of sadness, shame and anger that she hasn't orgasmed. It seems like a key part of the relationship is missing. At times I interpret this as a lack of love for me (i.e., it wouldn't be a problem if she had a different partner). I don't want to have an affair. That would just be wrong. But I often wonder if I'd benefit from a fresh start with someone else. 

 

 

 

Some women can't orgasm through penetration. It just doesn't work. 

It's not your fault, it's not her fault, it's literally just mechanics.

Buy a vibrator. Stimulate her clitoris, or have both you and her explore it together, finding out what vibrations work the best, at what position against the clitoris, etc.

Try to have fun with it.

But the last thing you should ever do, is feel ashamed, or like it's your fault. 

It totally IS not. Some women's bodies are just made differently and require different stimulation.

[hub49]

Thanks everyone for the thoughtful replies. 

Mylolita, what you describe in your own relationship is what I desire for mine, what I feel is lacking and I don't see any happy place we can ultimately reach. All day, I had been contemplating contacting a divorce attorney, a move I was hoping to avoid, even though I'm not looking to file now, it would be to know more about what I'd be getting into and try to decide what path to ultimately follow.  Life is short; do I want/need to be with a partner who's not into me?

[mylolita]

2 minutes ago, hub49 said:

Thanks everyone for the thoughtful replies. 

Mylolita, what you describe in your own relationship is what I desire for mine, what I feel is lacking and I don't see any happy place we can ultimately reach. All day, I had been contemplating contacting a divorce attorney, a move I was hoping to avoid, even though I'm not looking to file now, it would be to know more about what I'd be getting into and try to decide what path to ultimately follow.

Afternoon Hub,

 

Well my relationship isn’t perfect and neither is anyone else’s. We have three young children under 4, one of them only 11 months so, Y’know, often it’s a quickie situation and it is far more difficult to get out for date nights and just, find the time to be together.

 

You have to remember sometimes as well that, the couple is the most important thing. I know. Sounds bad doesn’t it, especially if you have kids, but, if you aren’t happy and in love as a couple, your children will suffer, and often those marriages end in divorce.

 

Communication is key. You must talk to her Hub, you really, so must! She is your wife of a lot of years. Respectfully, you both have to try reach a solution here, if possible. 
 

Your wife, or you, you both have to feel you are the other ones world and so desired. That is a big part of a loving and romantic relationship that works.

 

My husband beckoned me away from the kids into the kitchen a few days ago before he went to work. He looked me in the eyes, took me by my shoulders, squeezed them tight and said softly, “You’re my number one Lo. My number one.” And then he kissed me. Then he went to work.

 

Do you do anything like this for your wife? Just to gain clarity? Sex is always the first thing that shows a sign things aren’t right and working. 
 

Takes effort from both parts but it wouldn’t be too difficult if you are with the right person.

 

x

[SherrySher]

39 minutes ago, hub49 said:

Thanks everyone for the thoughtful replies. 

Mylolita, what you describe in your own relationship is what I desire for mine, what I feel is lacking and I don't see any happy place we can ultimately reach. All day, I had been contemplating contacting a divorce attorney, a move I was hoping to avoid, even though I'm not looking to file now, it would be to know more about what I'd be getting into and try to decide what path to ultimately follow.  Life is short; do I want/need to be with a partner who's not into me?

Only asking, honestly, but before you jump to the conclusion that she's not into you, have you talked to her about penetration orgasm versus clitoral orgasm and if a vibrator would help?

[hub49]

I have been very attentive and do put her above our teenage son. We are definitely affectionate - to the point where people who know us would be astounded if they knew my level of bitterness. We have tried toys. It felt awkward for us both. I got the sense she felt uncomfortable so I didn't push. As said in the original post, she described herself as experiencing a peak during intercourse. I didn't ask what that was about. If someone doesn't want to communicate, I'm not going to go out of my way to draw them out.  I think I know the path I need to take. It shouldn't be this difficult. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Just now, hub49 said:

my level of bitterness. she described herself as experiencing a peak during intercourse.

Your bitterness is within you and not related to this. "Peak" means "climax", so what exactly are you complaining about?

[hub49]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your bitterness is within you and not related to this. "Peak" means "climax", so what exactly are you complaining about?

It's hard to give a complete story in a setting like this especially when typing on a phone. I'm sorry to all because what I had written before didn't give full context. 

As long as we've been together, it had been known to me that she never orgasmed. We are not noisy at all during sex so nobody will hear us. So nobody is going to sound like a porn star cumming because we don't need anyone overhearing that. 

Three weeks ago, she made the peak comment which shocked me because 1) she never says anything afterward, and 2) if she did climax it wasn't at all obvious (although I could tell she was enjoying it).  I just didn't know how to read the comment (although I was thinking the same as you, Wiseman2). If I directly ask her, I could anticipate it causing her to turtle up, so I figured it was best for me to stay silent. 

 

 

 

[itsallgrand]

Maybe I'm misunderstanding something here but it seems very odd to me that for 20 years together you feel like you can't openly discuss sex with your wife?? And no touching her vagina, no oral sex... Why?? Like no kidding she isn't orgasming, she's only letting herself experience one small part of sexual intimacy. 

You say she turtles up if you bring anything up. Before up and leaving her one day because of all that has been allowed to fester in silence, I think you should lay it all on the table for her. You need to be honest about not being happy. Do not make this about the orgasms bc it's about far more than that. It's about her blocking you out. 

 

[SherrySher]

I'm just gonna throw this out there too, cause why not, but has she ever had any sexual trauma?

She may have not talked to you about it, or maybe she herself hasn't faced it.

But is there a possibility at some point she endured some kind of sexual trauma, or even sexual shaming that makes her not allow herself to enjoy sex, or want you touching her certain ways, or not even comfortable with talking about sex.

It's a possibility to explore.

[Wiseman2]

54 minutes ago, hub49 said:

As long as we've been together, it had been known to me that she never orgasmed. We are not noisy at all during sex so nobody will hear us. So nobody is going to sound like a porn star cumming because we don't need anyone overhearing that. 

Do you have kids living at home?

[hub49]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you have kids living at home?

One teenager 

[Andrina]

If it were me, I'd ask her to attend marital counseling with you. Perhaps the reasons why she doesn't want to engage in what most people love can be brought out by a professional. Depending on the reasons, the therapist might suggest individual therapy for your wife or a sex therapist for the both of you.

If your wife refuses counseling, I'd let her know the seriousness of the matter, that you're unhappy enough to go on your own if she doesn't. Perhaps that will persuade her to attend with you.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[poorlittlefish]

16 hours ago, hub49 said:

At times I interpret this as a lack of love for me (i.e., it wouldn't be a problem if she had a different partner). I don't want to have an affair. That would just be wrong. But I often wonder if I'd benefit from a fresh start with someone else. 

 

 

 

So just because your wife apparently can't experience an orgasm with you, that's enough for you to consider having an affair or getting divorced? 

If you're not allowed to touch her, why isn't she touching herself?  Most women need clitoral stimulation from fingers if they're to reach orgasm during sex and after 20 years she shouldn't be embarrassed to do that. 

Equating her inability to orgasm with a lack of love for you is ridiculous.  She shouldn't "have" to orgasm just to satisfy your ego.  I think there's something else at the root of your dissatisfaction with the marriage and you're focusing on this instead of where the real problem lies.

[mylolita]

I think, correct me if I’m missing the mark here but, when it comes to sex, sex in general… okay, there is a big essence of, connection, comfort maybe, exploration, release and letting go but.. surely the main aim most times is actually to have an orgasm? Or, what is the point? 
 

I don’t mean to sound heartless. But 20 years and not a single orgasm and no discussion as to why or, if anything is wrong? It sounds so bleak and unsatisfactory too me - I think, literally!

 

I think it needs getting too the bottom of, rather than saying well, some women it just can’t be done so therefore stop complaining husband and look to yourself, just be happy!

 

You want to both enjoy sex in a marriage, this is a reasonable desire. If your wife or husband, to that fact, never orgasmed, ever? That wouldn’t raise even some questions? Or curiosity?

 

I think it definitely needs exploring. 
 

Women often when it comes to sex get given low expectations. Men never get this out upon him. Sometimes women get given the line well; women just can’t do that, physically, biologically, so it’s just how it is and that’s that. I don’t accept that; especially not for the vast majority of women.

 

Everyone deserves a satisfying and amazing and loving sex life - no matter what that looks like for each individual couple. To not have that, is missing out on a huge part and fun of adult life!

 

x

[MissCanuck]

19 hours ago, hub49 said:

If I directly ask her, I could anticipate it causing her to turtle up, so I figured it was best for me to stay silent. 

Given what you have said here, I highly doubt she is going to be open to any talk of re-introducing toys, using lube, or other such things. 

That isn't really the issue anyway. It's that your wife is evidently very uncomfortable about sex altogether, and the communication between you two isn't great. 

Does she know how frustrated you are, OP? Would she (and you) be open to marriage counselling? Sex therapy? There is a lot more to this than an inability to orgasm or lack of natural lubrication. 

[mylolita]

19 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Given what you have said here, I highly doubt she is going to be open to any talk of re-introducing toys, using lube, or other such things. 

That isn't really the issue anyway. It's that your wife is evidently very uncomfortable about sex altogether, and the communication between you two isn't great. 

Does she know how frustrated you are, OP? Would she (and you) be open to marriage counselling? Sex therapy? There is a lot more to this than an inability to orgasm or lack of natural lubrication. 

Totally agree! Great advice!
 

x

[Wiseman2]

It seems you are "quiet" because there is a child at home. That's fine. You don't have to be porn stars. Your wife is going through midlife the same as you so there may be medical issues as well as her generally repressed attitude. It seems she "peaks" and gets "dry" after that so that's your cue to finish. She engages in and enjoys sex (somewhat) in her own way. 

[hub49]

Maybe I've spent too much time reading Reddit, but I have been struck by how civil most everyone's comments have been, which isn't easy to do with an emotionally charged topic like this and with the energy I bring which can be construed as toxic.

In particular, I appreciate the efforts by lolita and wiseman to talk me off the figurative ledge.  As I tend to view my situation with unalloyed horror and want to jump to a step that many view as unnecessarily extreme, I detect a message that there may be more to work with than what I tend to see in front of me.

This relationship makes me feel lost, confused, helpless and hopeless.  I don't like feeling any of those things.  Time is precious and I'm not getting any younger.  I hate to throw in the chips after 20-some years, but I'm starting to feel a better match for me is out there.  

[lostandhurt]

Who is she?

A coworker? The woman at the coffee shop?

 Something other than your wife making a comment after 20 years together is causing you to even  consider divorce.  You have your eye on someone else don't you?  It is okay to be honest with us here and most importantly with yourself.

Jumping to talking to a divorce attorney without exploring at least 10-20 other solutions tells me you are looking for a reason to leave your marriage. 

What is really going on?  No judgement just tell us the whole truth.

Lost

[reinventmyself]

21 hours ago, hub49 said:

 

Three weeks ago, she made the peak comment which shocked me because 1) she never says anything afterward, and 2) if she did climax it wasn't at all obvious (although I could tell she was enjoying it).  I just didn't know how to read the comment (although I was thinking the same as you, Wiseman2). If I directly ask her, I could anticipate it causing her to turtle up, so I figured it was best for me to stay silent. 

She did communicate something with you.  You made an assumption, and you chose to not communicate further.  The door was open for an opportunity, but you didn't take it.

I can't help but wonder if she feels safe having these conversations with you.  After all you've described your seething bitterness about this, so much so you are considering contacting an attorney.  I can't believe she doesn't pick up on this.  Imagine if you felt pressured to perform, especially when climaxing has been elusive for her.  I'll take a chance and guess you'd have trouble climaxing if you felt this amount of pressure in the bedroom.

Aging isn't for sissy's.  10 years from now it's more than likely you may have your own performance issues.  Imagine if your wife was silently seething and considering leaving you over it, rather than being a compassionate partner.

You have an affectionate wife who enjoys sex, a good marriage but you are willing to walk away over something that she may very well not have control over.  Let's add to that the future inevitable health issues couples face and pull together to support each other through.  Do you just walk away from that too?

You can trade her in and find a new one, but the next relationship will have a challenge.  All relationships do.   Imagine the surprise when you realize you traded in one challenge for a different challenge.  This just happens to be your challenge.  I get your disappointment.  But the degree to which you are seething over this doesn't seem to match up.  This just feel more about something going on with you, than it does her.  What that is, I don't know.  

From your own description you have a fabulous foundation to work with.  I'm sorry, but it just doesn't appear you've done everything possible to resolve or understand this.  Just because it's hard for her to talk about it doesn't mean it's impossible.  By your own description you give up and don't try.  Could it be your approach and your attitude about it? Your words in which you share your situation makes me uncomfortable.  Intimacy is created by having difficult conversations in a safe place and feeling heard.

Ultimately, it feels you are campaigning reasons to leave.  You don't need our permission.

 

She did communicate something with you. The door for communication was open. You made an assumption and then you chose to not communicate further.

I can't help but wonder if she feels safe having these conversations with you.  After all you've described your seething bitterness about this, so much so you are considering contacting an attorney.  I can't believe she doesn't pick up on this.  Imagine if you felt pressured to perform, especially when climaxing has been elusive for her.  I'll take a chance and guess you'd have trouble climaxing if you felt this amount of pressure in the bedroom.

Aging isn't for sissy's.  10 years from now it's more than likely you may have your own performance issues.  Imagine if your wife was silently seething and considering leaving you over it, rather than being a compassionate partner.

You have an affectionate wife who enjoys sex, a good marriage but you are willing to walk away over something that she may very well not have control over.  Let's add to that the future inevitable health issues couples face and pull together to support each other through.  Do you just walk away from that too?

You can trade her in and find a new one, but the next relationship with have a challenge.  All relationships do.   Imagine the surprise when you realize you traded in one challenge for a different challenge.  This just happens to be your challenge.  I get your disappointment.  But the degree to which you are seething over this doesn't seem to match up.  This just feel more about something going on with you, than it does her.  What that is, I don't know.  

From your own description you have a fabulous foundation to work with.  I'm sorry, but it just doesn't appear you've done everything possible to resolve or understand this.  Just because it's hard for her to talk about it doesn't mean it's impossible.  By your own description you give up and don't try.  Could it be your approach and your attitude about it? Your words in which you share your situation makes me uncomfortable.  Intimacy is created by having difficult conversations in a safe place and feeling heard.  

I am going with my gut here. But it just feels like you are campaigning to leave. My heart goes out to her. You don't need our permission.