Had an emotional affair and he ended up raping me, but I’m afraid to tell my bf now that I’m trying to regain his trust.

[Batya33]

My friend was raped when someone she had dated a few times and stopped asked to meet her for coffee and he drugged her coffee.  That's "getting someone drunk" (or drugged).  Please stop telling yourself stories.  You took advantage of him for comfort as you said -and he used the situation of you choosing to drink of having sex without your full and enthusiastic being into it.  A gray area and also confusing given your role in it.

I agree with ending things with your boyfriend -you're not the right person for him right now.

[reinventmyself]

If the tables were turned and your bf had an ongoing relationship behind your back, would you want to know?

Others know about this.  Would you rather him hear it the truth from them  . .or from you?

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

Others know about this.  Would you rather him hear it the truth from them  . .or from you?

And not only that, OP, but you have apparently made this other guy mad. Don't be surprised if he makes sure your boyfriend finds out. 

[Catgurl]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

My friend was raped when someone she had dated a few times and stopped asked to meet her for coffee and he drugged her coffee.  That's "getting someone drunk" (or drugged).  Please stop telling yourself stories.  You took advantage of him for comfort as you said -and he used the situation of you choosing to drink of having sex without your full and enthusiastic being into it.  A gray area and also confusing given your role in it.

I agree with ending things with your boyfriend -you're not the right person for him right now.

I had actually wondered about that. I never saw him slip anything into my drinks but I thought it odd that I really started getting tired after just a few drinks. Maybe I just don't want to believe Brad could be like that. or maybe I was just really tired from working too much.  I would really like to find out tho. 

 

7 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

If the tables were turned and your bf had an ongoing relationship behind your back, would you want to know?

Others know about this.  Would you rather him hear it the truth from them  . .or from you?

he doesn't talk with anyone I know at work.  I want to tell him but I'm afraid of how he will respond. and I feel that he is already beginning the process of healing and possibly forgiving me and telling him would probably set us back 3 or 4 steps, if not cause him to dump me on the spot.

I know some here are saying I should leave, but I really do love him and just couldn't imagine living a life without him. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Catgurl said:

know some here are saying I should leave, but I really do love him and just couldn't imagine living a life without him. 

But that's -again -all about you - loving is giving - not just a feeling-how is it caring about him and whether you are the right person to be faithful and loyal and giving to him to stay with him and subject him to all this pain?

[limichelle]

I think it’s only fair you tell him. He deserves to know. Keeping this from him, then later on he finds out! Will make matters so much worse. Also it’s not fair for you to keep him when you never really wanted him. If you had wanted him you wouldn’t have strayed. Ask yourself why you strayed. 

[Seraphim]

It might be a good time to ask yourself why ANY attention even bad attention is something you run after . 

[Capricorn3]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

It might be a good time to ask yourself why ANY attention even bad attention is something you run after . 

^ Agreed.  Another good reason to look into therapy.

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, Catgurl said:

 I really do love him and just couldn't imagine living a life without him. 

Then I think you have a very immature notion of what love is, if I may be blunt. 

If you loved him so much, you wouldn't have cheated once - let alone multiple times. That's just about the least loving thing you can do. 

Time to get real with yourself, girl. 

[Smile4me]

On 6/23/2022 at 11:00 PM, Catgurl said:

I had actually wondered about that. I never saw him slip anything into my drinks but I thought it odd that I really started getting tired after just a few drinks. Maybe I just don't want to believe Brad could be like that. or maybe I was just really tired from working too much.  I would really like to find out tho. 

 

he doesn't talk with anyone I know at work.  I want to tell him but I'm afraid of how he will respond. and I feel that he is already beginning the process of healing and possibly forgiving me and telling him would probably set us back 3 or 4 steps, if not cause him to dump me on the spot.

I know some here are saying I should leave, but I really do love him and just couldn't imagine living a life without him. 

DONOT and i repeat DONOT try to make this now into a drug rape because you are not getting anywhere with your drunk rape accusations. This could end up costing a man his life (if not jail, many men who are accused of something like this end up committing suicide because they cannot deal with the accusation). You are merely using these excuses to justify your cheating!!!

Firstly you actually wanted to be single so you could sleep with this man (by your own admission in previous posts).

Secondly you were so keen to admit your feelings to him knowing full well he felt the same so what did you expect to happen following this?

Thirdly he did not physically pour the drink down your neck and you willingly went there and got drunk knowing what would happen.

Fourthly you repeatedly kept going back and drinking with him knowing that you would end up sleeping together. If you really felt remorse you would have avoided that situation again at all costs.

Finally now you know that the grass isnt greener you want to be able to provide your bf with an excuse for your immoral behaviour and therefore you are trying to remove the blame from yourself by saying it was rape.

No court in this land will ever believe you were raped when you kept going back and repeating the situation. It is now common that girls who cry rape can be trialled and sent to prison.

Any woman in the land who has been rape suffer such horrific trauma that they would never repeat those actions again. You are making an absolute mockery and belittling the actions and trauma that women who have truly been raped suffer.

This boy needs to know the truth about the girl he was dating if only to highlight the massive bullet he dodged when choosing to leave. This affair will come out in the end it always does. But be fair to everyone involved and own up to your mistakes and treat it as the affair that it was, not all of this made up excuses to shift the blame from yourself because at the end of the day you are only making yourself look a hell of a lot worse.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Smile4me said:

DONOT and i repeat DONOT try to make this now into a drug rape because you are not getting anywhere with your drunk rape accusations.

Agree. I believe threads like this are for that purpose. Someone mentions something that sounds like a good excuse then it's "ooooh yeah, that's good...it was 'date rape'!"

Just break up with your BF, that way you never have to admit to cheating and villainize the guy your cheating with. Walk away. it's your most dignified option, considering.