Jump to content

Had an emotional affair and he ended up raping me, but I’m afraid to tell my bf now that I’m trying to regain his trust.


Recommended Posts

Well, here is my story. I've betrayed my boyfriend/fiance and possibly made the worst decision I have ever made in my life. This is a man whom I love deeply and wanted (and still want) to spend the rest of my life with. Knowing that information, I can't understand why I did what I did. Of all people I should know, but I don't feel like I really do.

I met this guy named Brad at my work. Since the first time we worked together we just hit it off. I'm a very shy person and I have a lot of social anxiety but right away he made me feel comfortable around him. I enjoyed working with him because I was able to be playful with him. It made me think that we had somewhat of a connection. One night I went to his place to hang out with him and another co-worker. This is the first time I had ever hung out with anyone from my work. For awhile it was just the two of us and I could tell that he really liked me. When we were hanging out he touched my side, but it scared me and I went home after only a little while because I knew my bf would be getting off work soon. Then the next time I saw him at work he did the same thing. Then he started calling me all the time to hang out, but I was too scared to because I didn't want him making moves on me and I didn't know how to tell him I had a boyfriend. I guess I liked the attention because it made me feel attractive, but eventually I wanted it to stop because I love my bf and I had no interest in screwing things up. So one day after he left me a voicemail saying "hey beautiful" I called him back (while my bf was sitting next to me) and told him that I didn't think my boyfriend appreciated that message. He said "okay" and hung up the phone. Things were pretty awkward between us at work after that, but I felt relieved.

 For some reason, I still felt the need to be his "friend" at work and instead of totally ignoring him, I just tried to act normal and let things go. We kept flirting, and I was still nice to him when I saw him. I think it was because I felt bad for him, for letting him down, and I also knew that he had a lot of problems with drinking and getting stoned all the time. I cared about him getting in trouble for a DUI and in a weird way I wanted to help him. I think I felt this way about it because of the connection I may have had with him when we first met.

Well, a couple of months pass, and there's a work get-together at the owner of my work's house. I drove up there with him because I didn't want to ride alone in my car. Then when we got to the owner's house I hung out with him pretty much the whole time. He wasn't trying to touch me or anything, but he kept looking at me, and I felt that connection again. I left the party early because my bf had the night off work and I wanted to go spend time with him, but I really left a lot later than I had intended since I was having such a good time. I drove Brad home and we talked a lot about stuff. I was also stoned at the time and started talking about how I haven't been single in 3 years. This was the first time I had really began to give thought to the idea that I might want to be single. Then I dropped him off and he told me he had a fun time and we should hang out some more.

We did end up hanging out again on my 21st birthday. I went over to a friend from work's house to drink with them and some of my girlfriends before we went out to the bar. Brad didn't come because he's not 21 yet. I got really drunk, but it was so much fun. Then I told some of his friends and my friends that I thought I liked him, but I didn't know what to do because I have a boyfriend, and I didn't know how I could like someone like him in the first place because he's so ****ed up. Not to mention, my boyfriend is so much better than that. After we left the bars, I went back to my friend's house and Brad was there asleep. I was with my friend Nicole and I told her that I wanted to tell Brad I liked him. She said it was okay to tell him that, but to also tell him that I have a boyfriend and that nothing can happen between us. Well, he admitted he like me too, and after that he tried to kiss me. I admit I was drunk and flirting and leading him on, but I told him I couldn't kiss him because I had a bf and I would feel so bad about it afterwards. He kept trying to kiss me and I finally gave in. We layed there and kissed for a little bit until my friend came in and said she needed to go home. I told her about it and I felt so bad, but she said that I should tell my bf.

The next day I talked to her and told her I felt like I shouldn’t tell him about it. It wasn’t just that I didn’t want to, I knew it was the only way for our relationship to go on. But I don't like living a lie, and the guilt was killing me. But I just couldn’t see how I could tell him because we were moving in together the very next day. Then I made the mistake of going over to hang out with my work friend's again and I knew Brad was there also because he invited me. I got drunk again, and he kept telling me all these sweet things like how much he liked me, and that he hasn't connected with a girl like he's connected with me in a long time, and how much it sucked that we couldn't be together because I had a bf. I felt like I may have really liked him at this point, but I think it had a lot to do with the things he was saying. We ended up having sex that night, and I enjoyed it, but I didn't want to do that. I realize how stupid that sounds, but before we had sex he was touching me and I told him not to. Then he started trying to have sex with me and I told him I was really drunk and I might not be able to stop him, even if I didn't want to have sex, but it happened anyway.

I felt incredibly sick after I got home, but I couldn't tell my bf because I didn't want to hurt him. Not to mention I didn't want to ruin us moving in together and sabotage our entire relationship. I was going to tell him about the kiss, I was sure about it, but after this happened I couldn't tell him anything. I felt so guilty and it made it really hard to be around him. When he was at work, I would go and hang out with these people, but I didn't want anything else to ever happen again between me and Brad. I would keep getting drunk every night so I could just forget. And I even told Brad that we couldn't keep doing that, I had a boyfriend whom I loved, and I just wanted to be friends. But everytime he would get drunk he would try and do things with me. I would keep pushing him away but I was always so drunk that eventually I got too tired to keep making him stop and he would end up having sex with me. This went on for a few months. To this day I have no idea why I kept going back, but I think a lot of it had to do with my self-esteem issues.

Then my boyfriend started to figure things out but he only found out that I liked another guy and was having an EA. He was so hurt by this, and it made me really angry 😡 because I thought that liking a guy was nothing compared to what was actually happening. If he knew what was really happening, just liking another guy would have been a relief. Well, we got in a fight, and I didn't want to stay at home because I was so mad at him. I didn't like him being so upset at me just for liking a guy when this same guy had actually been repeatedly forcing himself on me for the past few months. And I was also mad because I felt if I told him the truth he wouldn’t believe me, and now here he was getting mad at me for just liking him! I then did the worst thing I could do and went over to Brad's house. I got drunk and we ended up kissing and we had sex again. I didn’t try too hard to stop things this time, because at that point I didn't want to care. But he would say things to me like, "why does it matter if you've already done it before?" and "treat me like you don't have a boyfriend." After this time, I realized that while I did enjoy the sex, I didn't really like Brad all that much, and I wasn't very attracted to him. Not just because he obviously didn’t respect me and was forcing himself on me, but also because compared to my bf he was a complete loser.

My boyfriend never found all of this out because he stopped asking me about it and I didn't want to tell him about him raping me because it just makes it look worse and I wasn’t sure he would believe me. Plus, he’d probably want me to report it and while I am certainly through with Brad and never want to see him again, I wouldn’t want to see him go to jail. I also didn't want to tell him because it happened right before we moved into a house his parents bought us and I know that he would see it as a sign of me disrepecting him and his family. He has been there for me through so much, and I have only ever lied to him about this, and about being bulimic and telling him when I puked. The things I lied about were things I am so ashamed about that I don't want anyone to know because it will hurt or disapoint them. The worst part is that I knew that my EA was wrong, but I was being completely selfish and I hurt him so much. He is the one person I truly love and feel like he would do anything for me, but I betrayed him for reasons that I still don't fully understand. I don't know how to live with myself, and I don't want to live without him. Now I feel like I know I do not want to be single because I had everything I needed right in front of me, I just didn't realize that I had the best boyfriend anyone could ask for until I lost him. He told me he hates me, and he'll never be with me again. These words are so harsh, but I know I deserve every ounce of it... I want to do something, ANYTHING to get him back, to prove to him that I CAN change and I will change. I love him and I never meant to hurt him, and I want to make things better so that I can be with him forever. But I don't think there is anything I can do to get him back. And it's so f*cking depressing, because I don't want anyone else in my life but him... I honestly don't think I will find anyone that I love more than him, and it kills me, because I don't know how or why I did that.

Now things are kind of up in the air. My ex and I are talking on a regular basis (a couple of times a day) and we see each other on occasion. I'm still unclear as to where things are going. There are times when I feel that he can forgive me and things can return to normal, and there are times when I think he'll never be able to move past this. I know that if he decides to stay with me, I will commit myself to regaining his trust and learning from my mistakes so that something like this never happens again.

But what I really want to know is if I should tell my bf about this guy raping me while we are trying to rebuild our relationship and get back together? I feel like he has the right to know, but I’m not sure that if I tell him things will ever really return back to normal. Because I’ve already lied about my EA, he would probably think I’m also lying about the sex. I am mostly worried about the fact that although my partner may "forgive" me, he will never forget and he will constantly be reminded of this guy. I feel like at some point I will have payed for my mistake, or proven myself trustworthy and fully commited again, and yet I will still be treated like I am a bad person. ☹️

What should I say to him? If anyone has advise for me, I'd really appreciate it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How many times did you have sex with him after the first time he forced himself on you?

This wasn't an emotional affair, it was an emotional affair and a physical affair.

I know you say you love your bf deeply but your actions clearly show that you do not.  You get in a fight with your bf and the first thing you do is run to Brad.

I find it interesting that you chose to get drunk each time almost like you wanted an out for your cheating be it emotional or physical.

It is best for your bf to know the whole truth if you want to have a chance at a real relationship and future.  Could you honestly live a life with him always waiting for the truth to come out and worrying what would happen?

At this point your bf needs to know what he is getting himself into with eyes wide open. Brad knows, your gf knows and they have probably told others.  It is only a matter of time before your bf finds out.

There were a lot of bad choices made by you throughout this whole thing but to put an end to it the truth needs to come out unless you are willing to walk away from your bf forever and spare him the truth.

Without trust there can be no true love

Lost

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

OP, this was flat-out cheating: emotional and physical. 

Your ex is going to find it hard to believe you were raped when you kept going back. It just doesn't look like it wasn't consensual. And if he does believe you, be prepared for him to report this to the police - and go looking for Brad. Can you handle that? 

Either way, I think your relationship is over. You behaved inappropriately again and again, and it's the sign that you needed to be single. It is going to be incredibly difficulty to come back from that, not only for your ex but also for you. Your actions clearly show that you are not committed to him anymore and need to move on. 

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Its not just emotional affair, you continuosly were getting stoned or drunk and ended up getting sex with the guy. Just because you now have a "buyers remorse" because you ended up losing your boyfriend because of your actions, doesnt mean you werent a willing participant there. It would be one thing that he forced himself on you once. But you continuosly chosed to get your inhibitors down and ended up having sex with him with an excuse of "Eh, I couldnt say no". For months.

I am not saying that your colleague is such a great guy. He is an idiot that forced himself on drunk girl. Just saying that you would have to take some basic accountability for your actions. You sleped with your colleague who you chased and even told other people you like him, for months. Maybe its easier for you to accept it was only emotional and that you didnt do too much wrong. But even you know this is far more.

You would have to explore why you were willing to cheat on your boyfriend. As well as why did you choose to continue that for months. Maybe your colleague was physically prettier than boyfriend. You are young so maybe you wanted some excitment and to see how it is. But you would need to explore that.

As for ex, that is over. Whether you decide to tell him about what really happened or not, he lost his trust into you. And for a good reason, you cheated on him. So, leave the guy alone. Again, basic accountability. You cant get mad at your boyfriend for finding out about your affair. Because there, whether you like it or not, you were the bad guy. 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for all the honest replies.  You have all given me a lot to think about. 

 I know I was in the wrong to keep letting him take advantage of me like that and I should come clean.  But you are right that he would probably try to kill this guy and he'd probably get the police involved.  And I'm not sure that with everything else going on in my life right now that I could handle all the stress that would come with that.

In hindsight I now see that my friend was not really a friend at all and I believe it was just all about the sex.  I hate him now even tho I know I'm partly to blame for what happened.  I hate knowing he is going to get away with all this but I love my bf and I honestly don't feel he could handle dealing with it. 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It’s quite common to feel an attraction for someone other than your partner (you’ll notice this is a common theme even in this forum)

But what matters is how you act on those feelings and being accountable.

You wrote a long post, but here are some of the things you wrote:

- I've betrayed my boyfriend/fiancée

- I can't understand why I did what I did. 

- I guess I liked the attention because it made me feel attractive

-We kept flirting, 

- I cared about him 

- I admit I was drunk and flirting and leading him on

- He kept trying to kiss me and I finally gave in. 

- I got drunk again, and he kept telling me all these sweet things 

- We ended up having sex that night, and I enjoyed it

- I couldn't tell my bf because I didn't want to hurt him. Not to mention I didn't want to ruin us moving in together and sabotage our entire relationship. 

So you admitted to having sex with another guy and “enjoying it”

That’s cheating.

Edited by mical
  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Catgurl said:

  I hate knowing he is going to get away with all this but I love my bf and I honestly don't feel he could handle dealing with it. 

Would you prefer that he hear it from you or someone else? 

Too many people know, OP. This won’t stay a secret, even if you try to keep it that way. Someone will tell him. It is much better that you do it first.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think you're definitely struggling with a lot of things, for example your eating disorder and maybe alcohol addiction? Also is weed legal where you live? I'm just asking because if you drive stoned (and/or drunk) you could get into a bad car accident and you and/or other people could get hurt. If weed is illegal where you live you could get into some really bad legal trouble. I guess also even if it's legal it's probably not legal to drive while actually stoned? If you're going to use substances I think you should catch an Uber or get someone else who's sober to drive you. I'm not judging you for using the substances but I think you need to be really careful about your and other people's safety.

Are you receiving any therapy for your eating disorder? 

I'm sorry to say but I actually don't think what was going on with Brad was rape. I think what makes it not rape is the fact that you actually liked him, you were physically attracted to him and you continued to have sex with him many times after the first time it happened. Also you call him your "friend" but you liked him all along and kept spending a lot if time with him, even though you have a boyfriend. If you really thought you were raped then surely you wouldn't continue seeing Brad and sleeping with him more? I'm not saying that just because you were drunk, you deserved to be raped. What I'm saying is you kept going back to him knowing that the sex had already happened before, you have a boyfriend and so on. 

I think maybe you sort of have this idea of a sober you and a drunk you. In the sense that when you're drunk, you don't think it's really "you". Maybe it feels like it's some other person doing it? So afterwards you disconnect from what happened and you just think: "Oh it was the drunk me that did it so it's not my fault". 

Unfortunately both the sober you and drunk you is actually you. The sober you has to deal with the consequences of what you did drunk (and stoned) and I think using this excuse won't work. Maybe if it happened once you could blame it on the alcohol but the fact that it continued to happen means you allowed it to happen.

That aside I don't really think you were in love with your boyfriend. If you were then most likely you wouldn't have developed all this with Brad. I mean, it's normal to find someone attractive but you spent a lot of time with Brad and were having sex with him. If you were crazy about your boyfriend I don't think you'd really need another guy. So maybe it's for the best that you and your boyfriend broke up because it doesn't sound like you were that invested in him. I mean, you mentioned maybe you'd like to be single and maybe you wanted to be?

I know there's the whole Johnny Depp and Amber Heard saga and I personally feel neutral towards both of them. I like this Johnny Depp quote though and I think it's relevant to your situation:

"If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second".

Edited by Tinydance
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, Catgurl said:

he would probably try to kill this guy and he'd probably get the police involved. 

Yes, if you admit to cheating, your BF will break up with you. It's unfair to accuse someone of a crime to cover up plain old cheating.

You didn't stop flirting. You didn't stop lying. You keep enjoying the attention. You  kept having consensual sex. If you honestly felt you were "raped", you would have gone to the ER/police. 

 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

How are you partly to blame?

You willingly kept going to see Brad, willingly kept flirting and willingly kept lying to your bf.

There is no partly, Brad was just some horny dude that wanted to bang you.  He wasn't cheating, you were.

Own your choices instead of blaming them on someone else.

Since you undoubtedly had unprotected sex with Brad your bf needs to know he has been possibly exposed to a STD.  If you care about him at all you will finally do the right thing.  You both need to go in and get tested.

 Just saying you love someone doesn't mean a thing unless your actions follow your words.  People that truly love their partner don't do what you have done.

 Stop making excuses why you cannot tell your bf and face your choices.

 Lost

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, limichelle said:

Can you not throw in the word rape op? What happened was consensual. Rape is a strong term to use for a legitimate sexual assault. You can’t just throw that word around casually. It’s because of that, victims like me have to fight to get Justice for what happened to us!

Glad someone mentioned that. I was thinking the same thing. OP, Accusing someone of rape, when there was no rape can get that individual locked up for many years. How can you live with yourself if that happened? It's shocking.  This thread is so disturbing in so many ways, it's really distressing.

I can only strongly advise you look into professional counselling/therapy to help you sort through all of your very disturbing and serious issues.  End things with your boyfriend and stay single for as long as it takes to sort yourself out. You really need help.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You’ve gotta tell him. Sounds like you have feelings for this guy at work or you really enjoyed his attention. Which makes me think that you weren’t receiving the necessary attention from your boyfriend to begin with. So, either way you should tell him. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

well let me just say that I would never want any guy to go to prison for something he didn't do. initially I did not think of it as "rape", I just thought of it as Brad getting me drunk and then pushing himself on him until I was too tired to keep him off. I would work a 10 hour day and just be exhausted already and then we would be drinking and at some point I really felt like I would pass out. It was then that I felt too tired too move and he would have his way with me. we would be flirting and cuddling and touching but i felt I had control of the situation until I started getting more drunk. Then I noticed he took advantage of that and kept pushing more until eventually, on the verge of maybe passing out, I was just too weak to stop him. yes I did enjoy it but I would always tell him no and please stop and kept fighting him literally to exhaustion. and also I spoke with a counselor afterwards and she said it was rape. 

but i have thought about it more and read these replies and i would never want to see Brad get in trouble. I did not have to keep going over there. I did not have to drink. I did not have to use him for comfort. I basically asked for it. and so there is no way I could justify reporting this. nor would I want to anyways. I don't hate him and I blame myself for what happened.

so there is no way I could ever tell my bf? not only would it end any chance of us getting back together but it could also get a guy in trouble who may have some problems but does not deserve that.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 minutes ago, Catgurl said:

I did not have to keep going over there. I did not have to drink. I did not have to use him for comfort.

^ Therein lies the key. Talk to a counselor/therapist about the above to figure out why you do this so as to not carry it forward into future relationships.

As for your boyfriend, he didn't deserve any of this. I think he deserves to be able to make his own decision if he wants to stay with you or not.  Maybe a good idea to end the relationship and get yourself sorted out before getting involved in a relationship again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

well you have some personal issues to sort here and until then it would be really good to stay away from relationships and alcohol/getting high, we all know our limits. Break up with your bf, if he is a genuine honest dedicated bf telling all this would really hurt him for sure. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It might not be rape but he certainly took advantage of you. (Failure to wait for enthusiastic, sober consent). 
 

Definitely the part you want to introspect on is why did you keep going back. I hope you find clarity on your past and a path forward you can get behind. Even if you lose your ex, I’m certain you have learned some valuable lessons about yourself which will serve you very well going forward. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, Catgurl said:

 I did not have to keep going over there. I did not have to drink. I did not have to use him for comfort. I basically asked for it. 

Unfortunately, it sounds like you are rehearsing whatever story you plan to tell your BF when he finds out. 

Why bother? Just break up with him. It's that simple. That way you don't have to throw anyone under the bus to cover up your cheating.

You'll also be free to get stoned drunk and have as much sex with whoever you wish without having to make up so many lies.

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...