dating a girl without the exclusivity conversation.. yet

[gingerthumbs]

hi.

ive been dating a girl for the past, say 3/4 months.

Now I say dating loosely since we have not actually had a clear conversation about what it is 'we are'.

in the last few weeks she has invited me to meet her boss. invited me to meet some of her friends. invited me to a festival etc, texts me everyday.. which is all cool.

ive tried to initiate the 'what are we' conversation and tried to slide in the 'exclusivity' conversation, which resulted in her saying 'I dont wanna f anyone else', but kinda only after Id said the same and since then it seems like she dont wanna have the convo again. I do since I dont feel the boundaries are clear (she doesnt initiate many conversations. she just kinda sits back and waits for you to initiate).

but I have a slight concern in the meantime..

she told me - well before she met me - she ***ed some drummer guy in a band and that she thought he was 'gorgeous'. this honestly made me laugh and didnt bother me much, but it does slightly bother me that the same dude is booked to play with his band at the venue she works at in the next 2 weeks. theyre playing last at night, shes in charge of welcoming the acts and being a host etc and it just makes me think shes gonna *** him again.

am I wrong or paranoid for assuming this? and how do I approach this?

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, gingerthumbs said:

her saying 'I dont wanna f anyone else',

she told me - well before she met me - she ***ed some drummer guy in a band and that she thought he was 'gorgeous'.  it just makes me think shes gonna *** him again.

Ok so that was her answer to your "exclusive" conversation. She talks like a sailor and offers TMI. But what makes you so sure she's going to hop in bed with the guy again?

[DarkCh0c0]

8 minutes ago, gingerthumbs said:

which resulted in her saying 'I dont wanna f anyone else', but kinda only after Id said the same and since then it seems like she dont wanna have the convo again

What kind of person is this who can't talk about relationship status? If you can't have a convo about this, how do you expect to move forward? It's also honestly disrespectful.

You can have that convo one last time with her. Ask her where she's at, and if you want to be exclusive, let her know. Make it clear that you do want to be exclusive.

Otherwise, she's a waste of your time. Sorry man.

[gingerthumbs]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok so that was her answer to your "exclusive" conversation. She talks like a sailor and offers TMI. But what makes you so sure she's going to hop in bed with the guy again?

I honestly dont have anything concrete or anything other than what I put. her telling what she did, how she did, to my face shows maybe some brute honesty. but still.. i wont be there, she may be drunk.. etc. I just think its a realistic and honest possiblity..

3 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

What kind of person is this who can't talk about relationship status? If you can't have a convo about this, how do you expect to move forward? It's also honestly disrespectful.

You can have that convo one last time with her. Ask her where she's at, and if you want to be exclusive, let her know. Make it clear that you do want to be exclusive.

Otherwise, she's a waste of your time. Sorry man.

My friend thank you. I have already made a pact with myself this weekend that ill try to lightheartedly initiate such a convo. if its met with 'not now' or 'weve spoke about this', ill look elsewhere.

[Rose Mosse]

She did agree not to sleep with anyone else as did you. I’d say you both are exclusively dating. She may not be one to get mushy. 

I do think the oversharing was in poor taste. If it has no bearing on your lives now too much info can be hurtful and introduce doubt in a new relationship. She may not be realizing she’s doing this. 

Keep in mind people overshare at times because they’re not secure with themselves and seek approval. It’s the little child looking for approval but unfortunately may be inappropriate. 

Does she or you drink or get drunk often? Do you drink a lot when you’re together? 

[gingerthumbs]

3 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

She did agree not to sleep with anyone else as did you. I’d say you both are exclusively dating. She may not be one to get mushy. 

I do think the oversharing was in poor taste. If it has no bearing on your lives now too much info can be hurtful and introduce doubt in a new relationship. She may not be realizing she’s doing this. 

Keep in mind people overshare at times because they’re not secure with themselves and seek approval. It’s the little child looking for approval but unfortunately may be inappropriate. 

Does she or you drink or get drunk often? Do you drink a lot when you’re together? 

Yeah and this 'overshare' was quite early on. bit of dual edged sword isnt it. its cool she felt comfortable enough to say that to me, but wildly blunt that she did so early on.

we do yes. weve both said we should maybe limit our intake but yes, before we know where we are, we are drunk or having a few drinks.

but yes, we have been together sober and its nice and chilled

im just kinda looking over my shoulder, thats all..

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, gingerthumbs said:

I honestly dont have anything concrete or anything other than what I put. her telling what she did, how she did, to my face shows maybe some brute honesty. but still.. i wont be there, she may be drunk.. etc. I just think its a realistic and honest possiblity..

If you have the felling she is a floozie or gets out-of-control, why date her? Agree that if she keeps sidestepping the relationship talk after this long, she's just looking to sleep around and you need to move on.

[Rose Mosse]

3 minutes ago, gingerthumbs said:

Yeah and this 'overshare' was quite early on. bit of dual edged sword isnt it. its cool she felt comfortable enough to say that to me, but wildly blunt that she did so early on.

we do yes. weve both said we should maybe limit our intake but yes, before we know where we are, we are drunk or having a few drinks.

but yes, we have been together sober and its nice and chilled

im just kinda looking over my shoulder, thats all..

I’d venture on trusting her then. If you have any niggly wiggly doubts then this is probably not going to work. It’s usual to wonder in the getting to know you stages but having a comfortable conversation shouldn’t have to feel like pulling teeth. 

Maybe leave the alcohol for awhile and see how you both get along more consistently without alcohol. You may find one of you has a dependency and it’s better knowing now than later. 

[Kwothe28]

35 minutes ago, gingerthumbs said:

shes in charge of welcoming the acts and being a host etc and it just makes me think shes gonna *** him again.

Well if she does she can always say how "You werent exclusive". 

Which brings me to my second point. After 3-4 months there shouldnt be a need to state exclusivity. Because if you are in a relationship you should both know that you shouldnt date others or sleep around. To most "wishy- washy" people that is just an excuse for non- commitment and to do what they want. But its new times and I am apparently very old for thinking that way. So you better be sure. 

Anyway, I would more be worried about you knowing how somebody is gorgeous and how she slept with that somebody. That is way too much information to share with somebody on start of dating. Whether she sleeps with him or not is more the question of trust and commitment. 

[gingerthumbs]

29 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Well if she does she can always say how "You werent exclusive". 

Which brings me to my second point. After 3-4 months there shouldnt be a need to state exclusivity. Because if you are in a relationship you should both know that you shouldnt date others or sleep around. To most "wishy- washy" people that is just an excuse for non- commitment and to do what they want. But its new times and I am apparently very old for thinking that way. So you better be sure. 

Anyway, I would more be worried about you knowing how somebody is gorgeous and how she slept with that somebody. That is way too much information to share with somebody on start of dating. Whether she sleeps with him or not is more the question of trust and commitment. 

This is what I thought. If she continues to dodge the exclusivity conversation and her unwillingness to engage intensifies in the lead up to her and this 'gig', I can only sensibly assume that her reason, or at least part of it, is cos she wants to sleep with said guy again and in general, sleep about. 

That's the thing, we haven't said ' we are in a relationship now', so I don't feel like I know.

I'm actually not the best at hints and implying and subtlety. I need clear communication and sometimes need clear direction.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, gingerthumbs said:

saying 'I dont wanna f anyone else', 

How is this "subtle" or not "clear"? You just don't want her to be with this guy, get drunk and possibly hop in bed. Identify the problem correctly. 

[gingerthumbs]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How is this "subtle" or not "clear"? You just don't want her to be with this guy, get drunk and possibly hop in bed. Identify the problem correctly. 

Because as I've stated, it wasn't framed exactly as it sounds.

She asked me 'do you wanna *** anyone else?'

I said no

She said 'yeah me too'

Kinda piggybacking off my answer. 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, gingerthumbs said:

She asked me 'do you wanna *** anyone else?' I said no. She said 'yeah me too'

As crude as this exchange is, it does sound like the exclusivity talk.

 

[reinventmyself]

I would just address the elephant in the room.  Consider using a clearer choice of words rather than glossing over it the way you two have.

Just put it out there in a casual tone.  "Hey, I know in that moment we agreed that we didn't want to have sex with anyone else. I am also aware that you will be around your friend for the next couple of weeks.  If you are still interested in seeing other people, that is certainly your prerogative, and I would understand if you needed to do what feels right for you.  It's just something I'd want to know and wanted to clarify if we were on the same page just so things don't get messy."

Have this conversation from a place of strength and not from insecurity.  Believe you deserve to know where you stand at this point.  If she's crazy about you, she'll leap at the opportunity to clarify this.  If not, she's either not sure or she's willing to risk losing you.

[greendots]

19 hours ago, gingerthumbs said:

in the last few weeks she has invited me to meet her boss. invited me to meet some of her friends. invited me to a festival etc, texts me everyday.. which is all cool.

How does she introduce you as? Boyfriend / partner or friend?

[gingerthumbs]

1 hour ago, greendots said:

How does she introduce you as? Boyfriend / partner or friend?

I havent actually heard her introduce me while I've been there. And what she introduces me as when I'm not there I have no idea because I'm not there. Unless I ask a friend / her boss 'What does she say about me' I have zero idea. She's ultra reserved, ultra submissive in all ways and ultra hard to gauge.

2 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

I would just address the elephant in the room.  Consider using a clearer choice of words rather than glossing over it the way you two have.

Just put it out there in a casual tone.  "Hey, I know in that moment we agreed that we didn't want to have sex with anyone else. I am also aware that you will be around your friend for the next couple of weeks.  If you are still interested in seeing other people, that is certainly your prerogative, and I would understand if you needed to do what feels right for you.  It's just something I'd want to know and wanted to clarify if we were on the same page just so things don't get messy."

Have this conversation from a place of strength and not from insecurity.  Believe you deserve to know where you stand at this point.  If she's crazy about you, she'll leap at the opportunity to clarify this.  If not, she's either not sure or she's willing to risk losing you.

I'm gonna approach this conversation this weekend. I'll try and obviously do it face to face and slide it in, in a more laid back fun setting to make it not seem so heavy and serious.

If She dodges, bats it back to me etc. I'm done and I'll let her know I'm dating site active again

[waffle]

20 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

After 3-4 months there shouldnt be a need to state exclusivity. Because if you are in a relationship you should both know that you shouldnt date others or sleep around.  

Right.

You (OP) are trying to negotiate/manipulate her behavior, but the reality is she's going to do what she's going to do regardless of any "exclusivity talk."

[gingerthumbs]

I have to admit, the whole you shouldnt have to have that conversation after 3/4 months because you should both just.. know is a steaming pile of excrement, I am sorry.

That isn't the standard for every couple. I know I myself need a clear, sobre (this is my responsibility) discussion about are we labeling this? What are we? Do you wanna see anyone else? 

 

If you risk not having that conversation purely because you feel like leaving it up to chance and good faith, youre putting yourself and the other person at risk of being hurt.

Also waffle, manipulating her behaviour? Huh, how so

 

[reinventmyself]

1 hour ago, waffle said:

Right.

You (OP) are trying to negotiate/manipulate her behavior, but the reality is she's going to do what she's going to do regardless of any "exclusivity talk."

I've erroneously made this assumption.

One thing I do agree on is - people will only be with you if they want to.   Asking in a respectful way to clarify the situation doesn't sound manipulative at all.  Sounds pretty mature to me.

What would seem odd is if you can't have a candid conversation about it.  You are after all swapping bodily fluids.

[Rose Mosse]

2 hours ago, gingerthumbs said:

I'm gonna approach this conversation this weekend. I'll try and obviously do it face to face and slide it in, in a more laid back fun setting to make it not seem so heavy and serious.

If She dodges, bats it back to me etc. I'm done and I'll let her know I'm dating site active again

No, don't play games and bat back and forth like that. When someone doesn't want to be with you or you're not on the same wavelength, you just drop it and move on. Do not tell her about your plans going forward, anything about your love life or what you plan to do on any sites. Just move forward. 

If you see her in mutual circles remain neutral and platonic. There's nothing left there so don't waste your energy with too much else having to do with her.

[smackie9]

Just send this link to her or sing it to her. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, gingerthumbs said:

If She dodges, bats it back to me etc. I'm done and I'll let her know I'm dating site active again

Ultimatums and threats never work. Consider that you are not compatible and your communication is very poor. Will she get drunk and have sex with whoever? Who knows? You two do, so? That's what you're about and she's about. Maybe that's all you have in common?

[HeartGoesOn]

It shouldn't be that difficult to ask if you're exclusive, especially since you're already sleeping together (imo). To each their own, but may I ask why this wasn't discussed before taking that step?   Also with her lack of communication and limited volcabulary, where do you see this going?

Hopefully you'll make the right choices.

 

[waffle]

3 hours ago, gingerthumbs said:

waffle, manipulating her behaviour? Huh, how so

 

You're concerned she's going to **** this other guy so you're bringing up this exclusivity talk to hopefully persuade her not to.  Talk, by definition, is just words so you can talk all you want but if she's going to do this other guy (again) she's going to do him regardless of how much you hope she'll be exclusive to you because that's what you want.  

[waffle]

3 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

Asking in a respectful way to clarify the situation doesn't sound manipulative at all.  Sounds pretty mature to me.

Sure, if this wasn't in play:

On 6/8/2022 at 3:30 PM, gingerthumbs said:

but I have a slight concern in the meantime..

she told me - well before she met me - she ***ed some drummer guy in a band and that she thought he was 'gorgeous'. this honestly made me laugh and didnt bother me much, but it does slightly bother me that the same dude is booked to play with his band at the venue she works at in the next 2 weeks. theyre playing last at night, shes in charge of welcoming the acts and being a host etc and it just makes me think shes gonna *** him again.