Still thinking about ex everyday of 10 years ago.

[Nayeem]

Hi,

I was in a first love relationship from age 14-22 on/off. Things were great in beginning as they are as teenagers, then slowly faded and were issues focused mainly on him not making time for me, being excluded, me breaking up with him then wanting back in, cyclical nothing changing etc 

I met my now husband about 2 years later, we had a long distance relationship, then worked hard to get back to the same city. I had no doubts at all during this time he was the one I was meant to be with. Fast forward, wedding etc 2 children—I can specifically pin point after our first child together was when I started thinking of my first love—I’m not sure if I realised my situation was very very permanent (I have a tendency to run away from things) or whether it was a bit of PND, lack of empathy from my husband, loss of identity that has contributed to this—it seemed to dissipate when she turned about 2, however has now come back after 2nd baby with vengeance during covid lockdown. He is on my mind all day, I visit places and it’s him I think of, it’s him I think of being with wanting the life I have. What could have been with him? I ran into him last year by coincidence and my heart went crazy, I could hardly string a sentence together. It’s just cemented these thoughts even more so where it’s affecting me everyday-I feel upset, angry for leaving him. It’s affecting my mood everyday, I just want to run off and go meet him somewhere and tell him I miss him and still have feelings for him. I feel like deep down he felt the connection there still too. What do I do?! I love my husband, I can not fault him at all-will there always be something there with the ex? I’m craving the excitement I felt with my ex, I feel like now he is the one I’m supposed to be with, the one that got away- I feel like the more I try not to think about him, the more I do…

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Nayeem said:

whether it was a bit of PND, lack of empathy from my husband, loss of identity that has contributed to this

 Go to a physician  for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss the ruminating, anxiety and obsessions. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. 

Talk to the therapist about your unhappy marriage, feeling trapped and longing for your youth freedom and simpler times as a teenager before you got saddled with all this.

You need to realize this escapism is not about puppylove a decade ago:

 

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, Nayeem said:

issues focused mainly on him not making time for me, being excluded, me breaking up with him then wanting back in, cyclical nothing changing etc 

Yet your ex treated you poorly and took you forgranted or neglected the relationship. How could he possibly be the dream man? Can you back track a little and think about the ex-relationship a bit more? Go over the reasons why you broke up with him multiple times and the on/off nature of what happened. 

How is life at home with your husband? How does he treat you and your kids? Have you discussed your low moods or difficulty focusing with your doctor? 

I empathize with you as I've been in your place once before and in retrospect the relationship I was in was not a good one. I thought of many ways to escape mentally, emotionally. It's better to address what's going on in your marriage and speak with your healthcare provider about your moods, especially after the second birth. 

[SooSad33]

14 hours ago, Nayeem said:

I’m craving the excitement I felt with my ex,

- The 'what if's'.

 

14 hours ago, Nayeem said:

I visit places and it’s him I think of, it’s him I think of being with wanting the life I have. What could have been with him?

 

 

14 hours ago, Nayeem said:

I’m not sure if I realised my situation was very very permanent (I have a tendency to run away from things) or whether it was a bit of PND, lack of empathy from my husband, loss of identity that has contributed to this

- this could be a problem- admitting you do run away from things...

- You say you are 'happy', but your hubby lacks empathy etc.

IF you do feel enough for this relationship & your hubby, I feel you need to be honest and talk! See IF you two can get back on track and IF he can understand YOUR needs and work on all of this.

 

As for your ex, you two were young & got involved when young.. But that is done.  I feel, now you're just curious is all.  It's a common thing... BUT, what was then is not now.  You've both changed over time, yes, experiences in life changes us.  And how you 'think' of how things may have been, if with him, is often wrong.

So, maybe work on accepting it's possibly stemming from your present relationship issue's and it will pass.  That you two have changed & moved on with your lives.

How you remember your times from back then is not how things would be now..

Maybe consider some prof help if this gets to be too much for you?  I journal a lot, which helps 'get it out' another way- maybe try that for a while and see IF this fades at all?

 

13 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Yet your ex treated you poorly and took you forgranted or neglected the relationship. How could he possibly be the dream man? Can you back track a little and think about the ex-relationship a bit more? Go over the reasons why you broke up with him multiple times and the on/off nature of what happened. 

- And yeah.. this!  Think back and see how it all really was.

Keep moving ahead and live the life you've got now 😉 

[Capricorn3]

I agree 100% with Wiseman2's post.  You're living in the past, in a fantasy world.  Not reality.

Also, you have no idea if your first love is even interested in you.  Don't forget, you are married and have two children. Pining away for another guy is pretty low and disrespectful to your husband.  How would YOU like it if your husband was obsessing about his ex?

What is really difficult to understand is WHAT exactly you are missing about this guy?? Seriously, re-read your own words and really absorb what you said.  Is this really what you want more of?? Really?  - A reminder:  "the last 3 years were pretty awful. I ended up breaking it off after several incidences involving non consenting s*x, name calling, being left out of things he would organise, anger issues, just a general disinterest in me, never came first".

I second Wiseman - look to professional help, get counselling/therapy to help you with all of these issues and thinking the grass is greener on the other side.  It's not.  (want to know why the grass is greener on the other side?  Because there's more manure there - not a place you want to be).

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Go to a physician  for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss the ruminating, anxiety and obsessions. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. 

Talk to the therapist about your unhappy marriage, feeling trapped and longing for your youth freedom and simpler times as a teenager before you got saddled with all this.

You need to realize this escapism is not about puppylove a decade ago:

 

 

[redswim30]

This isn't about your ex at all.  He's just a fantasy you are using to escape from your reality. 

You aren't happy with something in your reality right now.  Since you say you starting feeling this strongly after having your first child, I have a few opinions on what this could be:

1. You are unhappy in your marriage.  Contrary to some beliefs, your spouse doesn't have to "do anything wrong" for you to lose feelings for them, realize that they aren't who you thought they were, or you've just grown apart or have different priorities.  That's not always someone's "fault", it's just life.  We're too fast to ascribe the idea of "someone has to have done something wrong" to justify us being unhappy or having grown incompatible.  Nope.  You don't seem happy.  Stop focusing on "he hasn't done anything wrong" and start thinking about " What do I need from him and how can we get there together?"

2. You didn't really want children or realize that you don't want children with your current husband.  Hear me out, because when you say this a lot of people immediately jump to " Get out of here! I LOVE my child!" It's not about loving or not loving your child. But I know tons of people who thought they wanted a child only to realize that didn't want the lifestyle that having children comes with and it spirals them into a crisis.   OR they realize that they DID want kids, but their spouse doesn't share the same views on child raising or offer the spousal support they were expecting.  You need to figure out which it is.  You need to be honest with yourself. 

3. For some, having a child represents the ultimate- "  I am a settled adult and my life trajectory is now set."  No more fun, adventure, or surprises.  And this scares a LOT of people.   While having a baby can be wonderful, let's be honest- most of parenthood is very mundane.  That's not to say it's a bad thing, but it does make many people crave a time of "possibility" or "excitement" and that can be why you suddenly "miss" your ex.  It's not about him so much as about what he REPRESENTS to you- Youth, excitement, possibility, feeling desired, feeling beautiful and sexy, etc.   

These are just my opinions but only YOU know the real answer.  Take your ex entirely out of the picture, cause he's just a "fantasy band aid", what is going on with YOU?  You really need to examine your own feelings and try to figure out the root of why you are feeling this way.  Nothing will get better until you do.  I know it's never pleasant to examine unpleasant feelings, but it's better than making a rash decision that you might regret if this goes unresolved for too long. 

BEST OF LUCK! 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, redswim30 said:

For some, having a child represents the ultimate- "  I am a settled adult and my life trajectory is now set."  No more fun, adventure, or surprises.  And this scares a LOT of people.   While having a baby can be wonderful, let's be honest- most of parenthood is very mundane.

I think it could for a person who likes the thrill of the chase with the "bad boy" type -a person who finds that exciting might find parenting "mundane."  Parenting is not mundane.  Some of the routines can be so, some people choose to parent in a mundane way, but just like even dream jobs can have their mundane aspects/routines it's all about perspective, balancing the benefits/downsides. 

The problem is that the excitement and joy of raising a human being you birthed and/or adopted, fostered, etc - can't stand up to the excitement of pining away for an unavailable person of living in a fantasy world.  So if that is exciting the stark realities of parenting won't seem so.  

I think it's possible she settled for her husband and just went along with what was "expected" and had the two kids, etc.  So now she's realizing she feels like she settled and her on again off again guy from the past seems much more exciting IMO.

[smackie9]

What make you so unhappy with your life that you need to escape with this fantasy about your ex? 

[Andrina]

When one is not happy in the present, she often looks to the past to find it there. There's a saying, and for your situation, it really fits: "When the past comes knocking, don't answer. It has nothing new to say."

On/off relationships mean the person isn't right for you. People are not yo-yo's to be thrown out and then pulled back in over and over. Two people who truly love each other and there are no dealbreakers, will stay and communicate, get therapy if needed, and pull out all the stops to make things work. They just don't bail. You had chemistry with the ex, but that alone means nothing without the major stuff that makes a relationship work.

You only say one negative thing about your husband without details, so it's hard to judge if he is practicing dealbreaker behavior, or if therapy, or reading couples books on how to improve a relationship, would rectify the situation.

Perhaps subconsciously you feel someone dysfunctional (your ex) is all you deserve because you have low self esteem. So that situation feels right to you, and an even- keeled peace feels off.

Perhaps you are unskilled about evolving into a different, but also satisfying new way of life that a marriage and children brings. I know it's unsettling to move from the fun and wild days of what goes on while being a teen and young adult. Those days aren't meant to last forever, and if people attempt that, they find it ends up being a shallow life.

It's unsettling to evolve into a new way of living, but you can still find passion and joy whenever you put in the effort.

Read articles and books on how to regain a spark with your husband, if his behavior isn't egregious. Go to marital counseling to get skilled advice on how to improve your marriage. Communicate to him what you want from him, without placing blame, as in "I'd like" statements versus "You never." You're lacking an emotional connection with him that can be improved. When he sees you making effort and appreciating him, he will likely put in his own effort.

You owe this to your kids to pull out all the stops before calling it quits (dealbreakers lacking, of course). You could also join a Mommy and Me group to have group fun with other mothers and the kids can play together. You might be lonely for female friendships.

Believe me, the dating pool is far from easy to navigate, and don't expect guys will be knocking down your door when you have two very young children. When I dating after my first marriage ended, I rejected men with very young children because I knew his availability would be minimal.

And if you divorced, you shouldn't even date for a good year because you'd be getting the kids used to a new life with divorced parents.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Cherylyn]

A fantasy is always wonderful because it is the ideal in your brain which is not real life.  Your ex is like everyone else now with work, paying bills, maintaining a household, tasks, errands, chores, repeat.  It's the same as your current life if not worse than your everyday life.  Keep in mind, people change and your ex is not the same man he was when you were 14 - 22 years old. 

Splash some cold water on your face and wake up!  Concentrate and remain focused on your marriage and being a good mother because nothing else is more important.  They need your undivided, responsible attention for the four of you to survive and function normally. 

If your current status isn't good enough for you, then exit your current situation in methodical order and  seek your ex with unfettered freedom in addition to your parental duties.  You can't have it both ways.  Choose one or the other.