Dealing with malicious passive-aggressive behavior

[Silentlyfor]

So this is has been in my head for a little while as something of a flaw in my character(I mean, I suppose.  I don't know what else to call it).  For a good long while as I was trying to find work, fighting depression and poverty and generally trying to get my head above water, I had to deal with working a number of office and call center jobs and found that there were a number of people who knew my family and there was a narrative among a few that knew of my situation and had, let's say, "opinions" about me, my character and my way through life.  

There a number of different thing said: I was laughed at by a manager that was "roasting" me indirectly, of course not using my name, about a physically abusive situation followed by emotional abuse, blame and what have you, I faced from several family members(this was information I did not share voluntarily with that manager, by the way); was mocked senselessly by a number of ex-coworkers who laughed my poverty situation and the deep, DEEP financial struggles I was facing; and, last but not least during a job that stressed me out so much in itself that I now have NAFLD as result, I was relentlessly bullied by a janitor who said "I was too old now to make something of life", and dude that, literally right behind my back, said all sorts of cruel things about me and my job situation while staring at my bald spot and yet another roasting by a group of people with whom I was training.  These are some of the more outstanding examples but there are many more.  

The only saving grace I had in that last job, by the way, was getting to work at home shortly before starting so as to be able to deal with only the one stress which was the job itself.  
 

Honestly, I know that office environments can get rather toxic and I know that it's not my business to control who says what about you.  What I want to do is get help, because I might to face this in the future, with how to deal with the stress this behavior causes me.  I have problem dealing with malicious from others as it brings up feelings of expendability, helplessness and anger and I need to find ways to deal with them so that they don't cause the anxieties or, the case with the latest job I had, medical complications so that I can deal with this sort of passive malice without it affecting my personal life AFTER my shift is over.  

Does anyone have any tips, techniques or ideas that can help mitigate the negative feelings associated with being confronted with this behavior?  I feel if I have the right guidance I can develop the tools necessary to cope with such toxic, ridiculous, BS in the future.  

Thanks it advance! 

[Batya33]

What you do first is go to HR.  I'm sorry you're in this situation.  

[Silentlyfor]

Just now, Batya33 said:

What you do first is go to HR.  I'm sorry you're in this situation.  

HR can't really do anything without evidence.  Reporting bullying doesn't really do anything.  I'm looking for what 'I' can do, not what others can do for me.  

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Silentlyfor said:

HR can't really do anything without evidence.  Reporting bullying doesn't really do anything.  I'm looking for what 'I' can do, not what others can do for me.  

The evidence is from you.  You explain what is being said and done and have an attitude of cautious optimism.  If you refuse to do that that is your choice. 

Example. I was in my first trimester of pregnancy.  Not showing.  Very fatigued.  One morning I walked up the internal stairs slowly because of the fatigue.  A worker who was cleaning there obviously was impatient and started mocking me for moving so slowly.  I dropped my stuff off in my office, headed to HR (this was a really rare situation for me -I don't know that I'd ever complained to HR before at that office). I reported what had happened.  Problem solved. The only "evidence" was my sharing where I was and what was said to me.  She already knew I was pregnant.

The secondary thing I would do is look for other employment.  I've worked at many places including toxic ones.  They are not all like that.  As far as destressing after work:  vigorous cardio exercise, talking to a friend (and spread the love -don't vent to just one friend), 4-7-8 breathing weil method -google it -and practice it even when you are feeling stable/calm.  

[Jibralta]

It sounds like you are used to being around people who are mean to you. Do you live alone, or with family?

[Silentlyfor]

26 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

It sounds like you are used to being around people who are mean to you. Do you live alone, or with family?

Edited May 21 by Silentlyfor

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, Silentlyfor said:

Does anyone have any tips, techniques or ideas that can help mitigate the negative feelings associated with being confronted with this behavior?  I feel if I have the right guidance I can develop the tools necessary to cope with such toxic, ridiculous, BS in the future.  

This will maybe sound obvious, but have you considered professional counseling? Are there such resources available to you? 

[DarkCh0c0]

9 hours ago, Silentlyfor said:

I feel if I have the right guidance I can develop the tools necessary to cope with such toxic, ridiculous, BS in the future.

There are things you can control and  Things you can't.

In your case, you need to report this harassment and bullying to HR, even if anonymously.

Perhaps a mindset of "this is what I'm working with right now" would help. Deep breathing in a quiet place when things get tough.

Know that you didn't cause this and that these people just are a bunch of strangers you re working with and what you see is just a reflection of who they are.

I would also be sending my resume everywhere and make sure I no longer work for toxic people. Toxic environments are toxic and I don't think they should even exist... But sadly, that's life. What you can do is work and leave with your head held high.

I'm sorry you're going through this. You don't deserve this, but it's not fully in your control either.

Can you seek therapy in the meanwhile and unpack? Guided Meditation can also help you centre and release some blocked energy as well.

Edited May 22 by DarkCh0c0
Typo

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Silentlyfor said:

  during a job that stressed me out so much in itself that I now have NAFLD as result, I was relentlessly bullied by a janitor who said "I was too old now to make something of life".

Sorry this is happening. When did you last get a complete evaluation of your physical and mental health by your physician?

How did they diagnose non-alcoholic fatty liver disease? That's not caused by "stress", so you need to get a better evaluation of what's going on. 

Make sure you are taking care of yourself and your mental health. That means medical treatment and asking for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Also make sure you have a life outside of work. Not just video games and other sedentary pastimes.

Get a side hustle. Update your resume and LinkedIn profile. Start browsing and applying for jobs.

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports fitness, nutrition and health. Take some classes and courses.

As far as these people muttering stupid stuff, ignore it or confront it. Ask "excuse me, what do you mean by that?" Shut them up and put them in their place.

It's ultimately your responsibility to take the best care of yourself and your physical and mental health as possible. When you do, you'll feel better and be more inspired to seek out other employment.

Edited May 22 by Wiseman2

[1a1a]

I wish I could give you bullet proof armour against these arseholes. 
 

Mindfullness/meditation and having a robust life outside of work might help armour a bit but ultimately, if you’re in a hostile environment it’s gonna be like a death by a thousand cuts. 
 

A friend of mine lost his father to suicide a few years ago. The dad had suffered relentless bullying at work for over a decade. He knew it was a reflection of them and not him, he had a loving family at home. But still one day he killed himself rather than see out another work day (why quitting didn’t feel like an option I’ll never know but my heart broke hearing this story). 
 

Henry Rollins says if he took the time to bleed from all the arrows coming his way he wouldn’t be here, wouldn’t be here 

 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=js6Nf4uQFmk

[Rose Mosse]

Let your work speak for yourself and I second the advice on additional medical and mental health support/counselling. The issue is you wouldn’t be feeling this way if you did feel good about yourself or like you have a plan to work through these challenges. You’re right to work from the inside out within you.

Also note that some individuals will behave like this and will find a way to subsist off of your visible discomfort or think that it’s appropriate to discuss your personal circumstances at work. When I say let your work speak for yourself, you will have to throw yourself into what needs to be done and finish the job with accuracy and do well.

People look to bring others down when they don’t feel good about themselves so keep that in mind also. Argumentative, nitpicky, humiliating, passive aggressive, or down right offensive behaviour comes from the top. Workplace culture trickles from the top down so be observant of management and quietly prep yourself for better employment on the side. From the sounds of it this is not regular office place behaviour. 

[Silentlyfor]

So an update to this story, due to fortune smiling upon me, I as able to walk away from this job and move on.  

I figured out much of what I was feeling when I was being bullied.  Given the state of my life at time, I was feeling much self-pity and what I was hearing from others was simply feeding it.  

I'm over this and from now on I'm just going to start looking for work where I don't deal with such nonsense and with the experience I gained from this job and the great references I have, I should be able to.  

[Silentlyfor]

On 5/21/2022 at 4:46 PM, Jibralta said:

It sounds like you are used to being around people who are mean to you. Do you live alone, or with family?

My I ask why you asked this?  I find it to be quite personal, even a little creepy, and you don't give context.

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, Silentlyfor said:

My I ask why you asked this?  I find it to be quite personal, even a little creepy, and you don't give context.

Sorry you find it creepy. That wasn't my intention. 

I ask because from your first post, it seems like your family plays an unusually large role in your interactions with other people. It seems like that's the lens through which you experience things.

But I just seems that way. I don't know for sure, which is why I ask.

[mical]

My tip with dealing with toxic coworkers is the “grey rock approach” which is to be so boring and neutral like a rock…

They’ll realize they can’t get a reaction from you and leave you alone .

I had to deal with the most nastiest narcissistic malicious person ever and just used this and it helped … because I knew she got off on seeing reactions from others so I never gave her that satisfaction by being a boring…gray…rock

Edited June 13 by mical