A possible another shot?

[bluecastle]

1 hour ago, sleepytime said:

I will say she has to be by far the most confusing as far as mixed signals I've had a ex before tell me "I feel like I might hurt you" like 3 times before we finally went out for 3 years.. but that's another story.. ended up with her cheating on me.

I couldn't help but notice this. Life is complicated, the internet is weird, as are human beings, so perhaps I'm stretching here to make a point, but...

It sounds like with this ex you pursued her, and she kept you at bay, telling you multiple times that "I feel like I might hurt you." And your reaction was to keep pushing her. And what happened when she, so to speak, gave in to your pursuit? She ended up doing exactly what she said she would do. 

Now you have someone saying something equally clear ("I don't feel a romantic connection to you") and you're kind of looking for another "signal" that might negate that, offer another shot, a way in. Might be worth looking at all that, no?

I don't want to be pessimistic. I've been in versions of your shoes, often have been in her shoes, and have some history with edgy romances that start off with this sort of dance. But I also have some history when romances start off pretty simply: one date, another, another, both people feeling  it, etc. The latter is a whole lot more fun, while the former can be really draining. 

In your preset shoes? I'd chalk this one up as not an option, date around, and should she let you know—clearly, with words and actions—that something has changed you can see about all this then. 

 

[sleepytime]

5 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

I couldn't help but notice this. Life is complicated, the internet is weird, as are human beings, so perhaps I'm stretching here to make a point, but...

It sounds like with this ex you pursued her, and she kept you at bay, telling you multiple times that "I feel like I might hurt you." And your reaction was to keep pushing her. And what happened when she, so to speak, gave in to your pursuit? She ended up doing exactly what she said she would do. 

Now you have someone saying something equally clear ("I don't feel a romantic connection to you") and you're kind of looking for another "signal" that might negate that, offer another shot, a way in. Might be worth looking at all that, no?

I don't want to be pessimistic. I've been in versions of your shoes, often have been in her shoes, and have some history with edgy romances that start off with this sort of dance. But I also have some history when romances start off pretty simply: one date, another, another, both people feeling  it, etc. The latter is a whole lot more fun, while the former can be really draining. 

In your preset shoes? I'd chalk this one up as not an option, date around, and should she let you know—clearly, with words and actions—that something has changed you can see about all this then. 

 

Well My ex was a little different being that she got married to this guy (out of the country) which seem like it came out of nowhere.. but I found out the same stuff she said to be (I always saw you in my dreams) she said to him... oh yeah they ended up getting divorced so I didn't feel so bad.

 

Anyways so are you saying I should just ignore her? It would be one thing if I only had to deal with text but if I see her in person that's a bit different.

[sleepytime]

15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Ok, you didn't mention that in your OP or any of your responses.

So probably even more reasons why she doesn't want to start anything with anyone. 

I talk to my friends at work, we text, we go eat together and none of us wants to or is dating each other. We're friends.

If that's the case she would have not said "I don't think I'm going to let him go" right now I'm hanging back a bit people even came up to me asking how come your not with so and so as much.. I'm just kinda seeing her actions and I'm kind of seeing if shes keeping me around for my income but that's a whole other thing to get into.

[greendots]

1 minute ago, sleepytime said:

I'm kind of seeing if shes keeping me around for my income but that's a whole other thing to get into.

That may be relevant to what you're telling us. Anyhow, generally if you went on a date and she'd been totally into you, she would've accepted to go out on another date.

I think that because you work together she's politely avoiding the uncomfortable "I'm not romantically interested in you" talk, hoping you take the hint that she isn't interested. I wish I were wrong, but one thing I learned from posters here is that mixed signals means the other person is not interested. Period.

As you work together, treat her with respect and be your best (you). Either, she'll realize she's lost a pretty incredible guy or another suitable woman will snatch you.

[sleepytime]

35 minutes ago, greendots said:

That may be relevant to what you're telling us. Anyhow, generally if you went on a date and she'd been totally into you, she would've accepted to go out on another date.

I think that because you work together she's politely avoiding the uncomfortable "I'm not romantically interested in you" talk, hoping you take the hint that she isn't interested. I wish I were wrong, but one thing I learned from posters here is that mixed signals means the other person is not interested. Period.

As you work together, treat her with respect and be your best (you). Either, she'll realize she's lost a pretty incredible guy or another suitable woman will snatch you.

Well how the second date ended abrupt two days before its kinda sounded like someone told something to her because it still does not add up and I feel like she is saying that to justify.. I could be wrong but to me if you did tell me that you were ok with Italian I would be like ok the 2nd date is a go But who knows... Most women now want their cake and eat it too.

[Rose Mosse]

Keep it professional at work. You don’t want to be that guy bordering on harassment of other employees. She’s been pretty clear with you yet you’re also deadset on hoping you can convince her to be more into you. As someone else pointed out, she may be mildly interested but not enough to want to date you. 

You must really have such strong feelings for someone to want to be with them so much that it doesn’t matter whether she’s just as interested as you are. I’d also err on the side of caution as you work together. This isn’t necessarily being pessimistic but realistic presuming you care at all about your job, career, reputation etc. 

I’m not sure what you mean exactly by “most women now want their cake and eat it too” as that’s quite a degrading thing to say about women in general. I’d rethink that if that’s the overall view you have of the opposite sex while you’re trying to attract them at the same time. 

[greendots]

3 hours ago, sleepytime said:

Well how the second date ended abrupt two days before its kinda sounded like someone told something to her because it still does not add up and I feel like she is saying that to justify.. I could be wrong but to me if you did tell me that you were ok with Italian I would be like ok the 2nd date is a go But who knows... Most women now want their cake and eat it too.

Honestly, I think she's being nonconfrontational and is avoiding having to deal with the (apparently to her) unpleasantness of having to let you down. If you didn't work together, you might have never heard from her again. But because you do, she's polite. Actions speak louder than words. Could her stance change in the future? Sure, anything is possible. But at the moment I'd follow what bluecastle suggested.

A valuable lesson I learned on this forum is that really interested individuals don't give mixed signals.

[Batya33]

I don't think she gave mixed signals -she said she was not romantically interested in you so any interaction after that is meant as friends.  No need to ignore - interact politely as needed to do your job and behave professionally.  And avoid blaming her or generalizing about "women" - she was honest as soon as she realized it seems as you only had one date.

[smackie9]

An interested woman doesn't make excuses. Coming up with excuses is a form of avoidance. Ditch, move on.

[sleepytime]

19 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Keep it professional at work. You don’t want to be that guy bordering on harassment of other employees. She’s been pretty clear with you yet you’re also deadset on hoping you can convince her to be more into you. As someone else pointed out, she may be mildly interested but not enough to want to date you. 

You must really have such strong feelings for someone to want to be with them so much that it doesn’t matter whether she’s just as interested as you are. I’d also err on the side of caution as you work together. This isn’t necessarily being pessimistic but realistic presuming you care at all about your job, career, reputation etc. 

I’m not sure what you mean exactly by “most women now want their cake and eat it too” as that’s quite a degrading thing to say about women in general. I’d rethink that if that’s the overall view you have of the opposite sex while you’re trying to attract them at the same time. 

I'm not sure if the mix up here is just for the fact that we text back and forth.. I don't bring up anything sexual she lets me know how shes feeling.. I do remember at one point she was asking how did I feel about wanting to move to Florida.. I don't know where that was going but I told her it would of been nice but I can't.. As for the cake and eat it what I meant by that is not into the guy but wants something else out of it.

18 hours ago, greendots said:

Honestly, I think she's being nonconfrontational and is avoiding having to deal with the (apparently to her) unpleasantness of having to let you down. If you didn't work together, you might have never heard from her again. But because you do, she's polite. Actions speak louder than words. Could her stance change in the future? Sure, anything is possible. But at the moment I'd follow what bluecastle suggested.

A valuable lesson I learned on this forum is that really interested individuals don't give mixed signals.

Yeah she's polite I will give her that shes a health nut so shes ends up wondering what stuff I'm having or if I have enough water.. will it change I don't know I just play it by ear like I said in the post above we text each other sometimes she will text me at 2:56 AM during her workout it's cool.

12 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think she gave mixed signals -she said she was not romantically interested in you so any interaction after that is meant as friends.  No need to ignore - interact politely as needed to do your job and behave professionally.  And avoid blaming her or generalizing about "women" - she was honest as soon as she realized it seems as you only had one date.

She texts me outside of work it's not like we don't interact.. even if I don't say anything all day as what happened on Friday.

9 hours ago, smackie9 said:

An interested woman doesn't make excuses. Coming up with excuses is a form of avoidance. Ditch, move on.

Excuses?

[lostandhurt]

So you are in a position of hoping and waiting which is not a good place to be. It will eat time and emotional real estate that you can never get back.  She is in the drivers seat so to speak since she knows you like like her and are around just in case she changes her mind so she can have a friend(you) that is a stand by bf if she wants.  Do you want to be plan B or plan C?

  Time to take control back and make a statement to her and to yourself.

"Hey ____________, I really like you and was looking forward to getting to know you better while dating but since you are not interested in dating me I am going to just back off and focus on meeting someone else" " I have no problem being friends and coworkers though but I do want to focus on meeting someone nice"

  Then follow through and go out there and meet new women, go places, be friendly, join a club just do something other than sit around and pine for this girl hoping she changes her mind. This statement puts it all out there, no wondering on either side, no assumptions and no wasted time and energy. She will know where you stand and can act accordingly. Then back way off on visits or texting or long talks so she cannot have it both ways.

People will say "You don't owe her anything just disappear" But the statement is as much for you as her.

  It kinda sounds like she has a hard time making decisions in general to me.

 Lost

[jazz_lover]

She texts you and seems to be happy to chit chat at work. But she doesn't date you. So you are just friends. You seem to understand that but are buying her line about preferring to be friends first and also reading too much into the comments she made to your mutual friend.  

 

 

[sleepytime]

9 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

So you are in a position of hoping and waiting which is not a good place to be. It will eat time and emotional real estate that you can never get back.  She is in the drivers seat so to speak since she knows you like like her and are around just in case she changes her mind so she can have a friend(you) that is a stand by bf if she wants.  Do you want to be plan B or plan C?

  Time to take control back and make a statement to her and to yourself.

"Hey ____________, I really like you and was looking forward to getting to know you better while dating but since you are not interested in dating me I am going to just back off and focus on meeting someone else" " I have no problem being friends and coworkers though but I do want to focus on meeting someone nice"

  Then follow through and go out there and meet new women, go places, be friendly, join a club just do something other than sit around and pine for this girl hoping she changes her mind. This statement puts it all out there, no wondering on either side, no assumptions and no wasted time and energy. She will know where you stand and can act accordingly. Then back way off on visits or texting or long talks so she cannot have it both ways.

People will say "You don't owe her anything just disappear" But the statement is as much for you as her.

  It kinda sounds like she has a hard time making decisions in general to me.

 Lost

Yeah when I was talking to her even a few times she wants to move out of state but not sure what state.. then shes not sure if she wants to go  the air force.. she always asks me what do I think or what should she do.

 

I wont text her as much

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, sleepytime said:

Yeah when I was talking to her even a few times she wants to move out of state but not sure what state.. then shes not sure if she wants to go  the air force.. she always asks me what do I think or what should she do.

 

I wont text her as much

Tell her that you are not equipped to give more input.  Also fine to tell her you're not comfortable chatting more because you're interested in dating her and she is not interested in dating you.

[sleepytime]

The more I think about this the more I dodged a a huge headache.. so word has it that she’s into a guy who is the complete opposite of me.. smokes, rough type and all that and she’s all into healthy stuff doesn’t smoke, drink and all that.. He told me he just wants to check being with an Asian girl off his list.. the crappy part is this girl has a 10 year old son so it’s not like it’s just her.. I think we all know what’s going to happen.. once he's done with her she’s going to come crawling back.. then I can tell her to kick rocks for good.

[Kwothe28]

53 minutes ago, sleepytime said:

once he's done with her she’s going to come crawling back.. then I can tell her to kick rocks for good.

Wrong way of processing stuff. Everybody carries the consequences of their own choices. So, whatever happens or dont between them, its their stuff. You should carry yours. That means just moving on and maybe wondering if your choices could be better next time and what you can do about that.

[sleepytime]

The fact that she beadcrumbs is bad enough 

[boltnrun]

15 minutes ago, sleepytime said:

The fact that she beadcrumbs is bad enough 

You could easily put a stop to that by deleting her contact info and then blocking her.

Unless you want her to keep contacting you for some reason?

[greendots]

Her loss. There's someone out there better suited for you. 🙂

[sleepytime]

17 hours ago, greendots said:

Her loss. There's someone out there better suited for you. 🙂

Oh yeah that’s always the case.