What should I do? Am I back with him?

[sam1256]

So I have been dating this guy for 6 months. He was great for the first 3 months, everything that I could've wished for. But on new year's date i asked about our relationship status. He said we were dating exclusively, but he said he does not want to lead me on because he is not ready for a relationship. But I kept asking, then he said i am sorry let's just be friends. I got really anxious and said, I don't want you to go, let's keep dating. He agreed. We kept dating for another 3 months, but I could feel that he was not that interested as before, he tried to pull out, we used to see each other for the whole weekend, turned into only one day mostly.

Finally about two months ago, he initiated the break up, I was heartbroken, I said we were so compatible but he said in his heart he knows that we were not compatible, he does not see a future. But he said we can still hangout and stuff. After only one week he started looking for other guys and added a bunch of guys on instagram. My heart shattered. My friends told me not to hangout with him anymore because it will only make me more heartbroken. I couldn't control myself and kept texting him. He begged him another time we met, he said he does not want to break up again, he said he wants to go back to NZ one day (he is from nz, here in syd for work).

I learned that he joined a swim club so I asked if I could join. 3 week after break up, he no longer wants to kiss me or hold my hand, he doesn't even look me straight in the eye. I could feel that he had moved on. I thought it's ok, I love hanging out with him and spending time with him. That will be fine. The next week, as we hang out more, I could feel that he started to look me in the eye, I always ask him to hug me and he said I was so clingy and demanding. But he hugged me anyway and he told me he decided that he wants to stay in sydney. Then, the next week, I started to ask him to kiss me, he started to kiss me on the cheek but avoid the lips, I could feel a little chemistry there, even he does not want to admit it.

After that, I planned a trip to Melbourne, and he said he'd like to come (I asked him twice, he hesitated and said it is just me does not like to commit). 

He agreed finally. So when we travel to Melbourne, I could feel that the chemistry is back. He said he was excited for the trip, for the entirety of the trip we couldn't stop laughing. When we get to the hotel, we showered together, and finally it happened, we started kissing and had sex. We cuddled for the whole night, we couldn't stop kissing. I tried to hold his hand but he still tried to pull away (outside of sex). I asked one time that if he cares about me, then he responded if he does not care about me he wouldn't spend the weekend with me in Melbourne. I took him to my friend (who told me I should never hang out with him) changed her opinion, complimented him and said that he is a great guy and said his personality is really very likeable. she said that she really hope us continue to be together, and she saw that the way we interact is the cutest she has ever seen. 

But at the last day of the trip, we went to see a movie, and I tried to hold his hand again, he finally gave up and hold my hand tightly. At the airport, we were waiting for boarding, we were watching a movie, a guy walked passed me and I looked at him. He laughed. I asked why, he said, you looked him from head to toe it is so embarrassing. Then, I replied, I don't look at other guys I only look at you. He made a sound "mmmmm" (here it gets confusing, I don't know if he got jealous or something, i looked at everyone that walked past me 😅). And on my way back on the plane, I could feel that we had so much fun, playing wordle. When we said goodbye, we kissed. When I got back to syd, I finally tried to find if he is on tinder, turns out his profile is no longer visible, and till now he has not added anyone on Instagram. 

I really like him and want to be with him, I see that we are so compatible, I don't want to give up. I want more of him but at the same time I don't want to give him pressure and push him away. I want to text him everyday but I know I shouldn't.... What's your opinion on this, please help, I really appreciate it!

[Batya33]

I think his answer to you was carefully noncommittal.  And put in the negative.  All he said sort of was that he cares about you.  All you asked him - in a needy way - was if he cares about you.  He does but he doesn’t say he wants to be with you in a committed relationship and you had to convince him to hold your hand. I think he’d spend a weekend with you and have sex and I don’t see where he’s changed  his mind and wants to be in a potentially serious relationship with you. And you acting pushy and clingy  is going to push him away even more.  I’m sorry.  
You’re sort of grasping at straws and trying to read signs but you never asked him if he wants to be in a serious relationship with you and you had sex with him without asking about his intentions.  You didn’t ask because you were concerned about the answer.  When you’re with the right person you won’t be concerned and you will not need to ask. 

[MissCanuck]

You have got to stop, OP. 

You have been trying to force this nearly since the beginning, and you don't listen when he says "no thank you." Instead, you try to make him be with you and you are incredibly clingy. That's no way to have a relationship. 

And no, he shouldn't have gone on a trip with or had sex with you. But when you offer some people the chance for "casual" sex, they will take it. It doesn't mean he wants to date you again. 

It's time to let him go. You might feel things and see a future, but he's told you repeatedly that he doesn't. Please, believe him. Just because you don't agree doesn't mean you should refuse to listen and try to make things happen your way.

 

[sam1256]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

You have got to stop, OP. 

You have been trying to force this nearly since the beginning, and you don't listen when he says "no thank you." Instead, you try to make him be with you and you are incredibly clingy. That's no way to have a relationship. 

And no, he shouldn't have gone on a trip with or had sex with you. But when you offer some people the chance for "casual" sex, they will take it. It doesn't mean he wants to date you again. 

It's time to let him go. You might feel things and see a future, but he's told you repeatedly that he doesn't. Please, believe him. Just because you don't agree doesn't mean you should refuse to listen and try to make things happen your way.

 

He was the one who was chasing me in the beginning. And it's his idea that he still wants to hangout he can choose to stop hanging out but he didn't. I didn't force him, I only suggested that if he wants to go.

[MissCanuck]

3 minutes ago, oliver7794 said:

He was the one who was chasing me in the beginning

Yes, was. Past tense. He's made it clear since then that his feelings changed. What happened in the beginning isn't relevant anymore. 

3 minutes ago, oliver7794 said:

And it's his idea that he still wants to hangout

Well, yes. Like I said, if you offer yourself for casual entertainment, he will take it. It does not mean he wants a relationship with you. 

4 minutes ago, oliver7794 said:

I didn't force him

You have tried to pressure and convince him on several occasions to be with you. You should never have to persuade someone to date you, oliver. The right guy for you won't need so much convincing and begging. He will come to you of his own volition, because he wants to. Not because you nagged him into it. 

This is going to end up with you broken-hearted again. 

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, oliver7794 said:

he can choose to stop hanging out but he didn't

Yes, because having fun is on the table. Would he be there if you lost your job? Or had surgery? Or any other time you would need him?

Everybody would be there when its something fun. Its when you need them the most, people show you who they really are. And I am afraid that he did show you

7 hours ago, oliver7794 said:

But on new year's date i asked about our relationship status. He said we were dating exclusively, but he said he does not want to lead me on because he is not ready for a relationship. But I kept asking, then he said i am sorry let's just be friends.

He just wants casual. Its you who is pushing for more and wants this to be serious. Right now he is there because you insist. If you stop insisting would he still be there or fade it away? I think you also know it would probably be second.

[DarkCh0c0]

Dude, HE HAS CLEARLY TOLD YOU NO.

Just listen to the man you love and respect his choice. Be less selfish and accept that he's not yours and won't be. And, stop nagging him and asking him to be something he isn't.

You need to cut contact for your own sake and move on to men who ACTUALLY WANT YOU and desire you. Men who have to same goals as you.

[Wiseman2]

Get a good profile and pics on quality gay dating apps. Try Grindr or something. This guy is not interested.

[sam1256]

Why is everyone so mean, there is one thing I want in life, why can't I just give it a try? I really like him and I think that we are compatible. I know he does not want a relationship right now, but I will give him time. Why is it so absolute??? He has been the one who was most interested in me. 

[sam1256]

literally no one I can have then, everyone just gets less interested over time. Why am I the only one who stays the same???

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, sam1256 said:

Why is everyone so mean, there is one thing I want in life, why can't I just give it a try

People are not toys or objects you can have a tantrum over not getting.

Try to have a more mature less entitled view of dating.

[MissCanuck]

33 minutes ago, sam1256 said:

Why is everyone so mean, there is one thing I want in life, why can't I just give it a try? I really like him and I think that we are compatible. I know he does not want a relationship right now, but I will give him time. Why is it so absolute??? He has been the one who was most interested in me. 

Are you the OP?

You forgot to switch accounts. Mods will shut this one down since you can’t have multiple accounts. 

[jazz_lover]

Been in this situation myself. Unfortunately it does change the dynamic of a relationship when you ask for a commitment and the other person is either not ready or isn't serious about you. When you want more than another person is prepared to give you then it puts pressure on them and makes them feel guilty even if you agree to keep things the way they are and their natural reaction will be to try to create some distance.  And of course you made things a lot worse by being needy/insecure/clingy/demanding and that will push him away further as well as turning him off. 

He doesn't want to be with you. And by continuing to force things you might get to occasionally hang out with him and even hook up with him from time to time for a little while. But it won't make you happy. And eventually he will either find someone else or get completely fed up with you and turn on you and that will be even more painful. 

Also you may feel the pair of you had so much fun on the holiday but you are projecting. He wasn't that keen on going and you insisted. And probably he was trying to make the best of it and avoid any awkwardness and it is quite easy to have sex with someone you don't have feelings for if you still feel some physical attraction and he probably felt guilty about it and did not want you to feel used so went along with the hugging and kissing afterwards. 

But even during this holiday there were still some tells. As you mentioned he was reluctant to hold hands. And also he didn't give you a straight answer when you asked if he still cares. 

And of course you feel you are compatible because when you have feelings for someone it is easy to find reasons to be together. And vice versa when you don't have feelings which is why he told you a while back that he feels in his heart you two aren't compatible and do not have a future together. 

I can guarantee he will cool towards you if you meet up again after the holiday and it will be very painful. 

Best thing to do is to end it on a relatively positive note. Tell him you really enjoyed the holiday but it made you realize you still have feelings for him and dating/hanging out isn't enough for you and you need to move on and find someone who wants to be with you.

It will feel a lot better than dragging it out and getting dumped again. 

[DarkCh0c0]

43 minutes ago, sam1256 said:

Why is everyone so mean, there is one thing I want in life, why can't I just give it a try?

You already gave it a try, and his answer was No. He changed his mind and lost interest. He's not into you anymore.

So, respect the man and yourself. He's not something to get, and you don't know how compatible you were... You only dated for 3 months. You need to move on man. I'm sorry. That's life. Happens all the time. Get out of your fantasy and meet men who actually want you and would pursue you too.

[jazz_lover]

I'm also assuming oliver and sam are one and the same.

When people say they are not ready for a relationship right now what it usually means is they do not want a relationship with you even though they may be OK continuing to hang out and hook up. And things generally get worse not better over time because they feel the pressure and expectation and start pulling away and that makes the person pushing for the relationship act needy and clingy and insecure which turns them off and makes them pull away even more. 

And if people become less interested over time you may be turning them off by being needy and clingy once you start liking them. 

 

 

[Kwothe28]

23 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You forgot to switch accounts. Mods will shut this one down since you can’t have multiple accounts. 

I think he just changed username. Wasnt aware you can even do that until few days ago when one other OP said that he did it

1 hour ago, sam1256 said:

Why is everyone so mean, there is one thing I want in life, why can't I just give it a try? I really like him and I think that we are compatible. I know he does not want a relationship right now, but I will give him time. Why is it so absolute??? He has been the one who was most interested in me. 

You are confusing chasing and wanting a relationship. And think just because he chased you that automatically means he wants more. You can chase somebody just for sex and not wanting anything more. Also its unrealistic to think that he would change his mind just because you will stay there. It just gives you false hope while setting you up for more dissapointment later down the line. He said he doesnt want a relationship. That is about it. 

[sam1256]

54 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

Been in this situation myself. Unfortunately it does change the dynamic of a relationship when you ask for a commitment and the other person is either not ready or isn't serious about you. When you want more than another person is prepared to give you then it puts pressure on them and makes them feel guilty even if you agree to keep things the way they are and their natural reaction will be to try to create some distance.  And of course you made things a lot worse by being needy/insecure/clingy/demanding and that will push him away further as well as turning him off. 

He doesn't want to be with you. And by continuing to force things you might get to occasionally hang out with him and even hook up with him from time to time for a little while. But it won't make you happy. And eventually he will either find someone else or get completely fed up with you and turn on you and that will be even more painful. 

Also you may feel the pair of you had so much fun on the holiday but you are projecting. He wasn't that keen on going and you insisted. And probably he was trying to make the best of it and avoid any awkwardness and it is quite easy to have sex with someone you don't have feelings for if you still feel some physical attraction and he probably felt guilty about it and did not want you to feel used so went along with the hugging and kissing afterwards. 

But even during this holiday there were still some tells. As you mentioned he was reluctant to hold hands. And also he didn't give you a straight answer when you asked if he still cares. 

And of course you feel you are compatible because when you have feelings for someone it is easy to find reasons to be together. And vice versa when you don't have feelings which is why he told you a while back that he feels in his heart you two aren't compatible and do not have a future together. 

I can guarantee he will cool towards you if you meet up again after the holiday and it will be very painful. 

Best thing to do is to end it on a relatively positive note. Tell him you really enjoyed the holiday but it made you realize you still have feelings for him and dating/hanging out isn't enough for you and you need to move on and find someone who wants to be with you.

It will feel a lot better than dragging it out and getting dumped again. 

How Do I stop being needy and clingy, I just want him to hug me. If I don't hang out with him I just really miss him, I feel like I have to wait another week to see him. Or just any relationships, I would feel the same. He did tell me in the beginning when we first met that he does not want a relationship, but he pursued me anyway. When i didn't hang out with him he got so nervous. Every time before meeting me he would say I can't wait to see you, keen as a bean. Only because I asked the question about relationship that he changed into a different person.... I feel like every-time I pull away a little bit he would get a little closer to me, it's like there is an invisible wall.

[jazz_lover]

I also experienced a noticeable change in attitude after I brought up relationship status. I guess when you lay your cards on the table and the other person doesn't feel the same way it creates an unconscious pressure and the other person will react by pulling away. Maybe if you had played it cool and given him space and just hung out with him and hooked up things would have been the same as the first three months. But you are human and you crave a closeness and intimacy that he is not prepared to reciprocate and it is natural to feel insecure when you like someone this much and they aren't willing to commit. So I think the only solution is to move on and find someone that is more into you. 

[Andrina]

36 minutes ago, sam1256 said:

He did tell me in the beginning when we first met that he does not want a relationship, but he pursued me anyway. When i didn't hang out with him he got so nervous.

Not wanting a relationship means he likes short term relationships. As Kwothe28 said, this does not involve nursing you through sickness and supporting you through the tough times in life.

Since your goal is longterm, you should have walked away as soon as he told you he's not looking for a lifetime with you, no matter the chemistry you felt and regardless of his attempts.

You chose to interpret things in a faulty way. When you are waiting around and hoping for change to be happy, and when you have to convince someone to be with you like arguing the point of you two being so compatible, along with begging for affection, the person is not right for you.

You're acting like a doormat, instead of thinking: I'm the treasure, and if a person doesn't treat me as the special person I am, he will lose me.

What is your life like besides having romance in your life? Do you keep up with hanging out with friends? Do you have hobbies/interests you engage in that you regularly participate in without a partner?

Your goal should be to build a satisfying life without a man, and then want to share that life with someone worthy. Right now, it sounds like you're seeking happiness within someone else and smothering him with your attention. No man wants to be the sole center of your happiness. You have to have a healthy balance of time spent with different compartments of your life. And keep a resilient mind that when a relationship hasn't worked out, that you will go through the healing process just fine and move on. 

Time for you to develop a new way of behaving to achieve better success in relationships in the future. You won't like this advice, but you need to block this guy and go cold turkey and no longer see him. He doesn't share your dating/relationship goals so you're wasting your time and breaking your own heart. Good luck.

[Nirvana5150]

10 hours ago, sam1256 said:

But I kept asking, then he said i am sorry let's just be friends. I got really anxious and said, I don't want you to go, let's keep dating. He agreed. We kept dating for another 3 months, but I could feel that he was not that interested as before, he tried to pull out

Before I delve into all of these let me just say that If I come off harsh it is not my intention, Because I recognize your feelings are real and so is your pain and heartbreak, but you need some truth and reality even if it's hard to hear. Okay I will now begin. So, starting here is where you meet your first mistake. He leaves you and flat out makes it clear but you insist therefore causing him guilt or pity (you want neither of those if someone wants to date you). He then started exhibiting more signs that he was not interested which makes since because you asked him to come back into a relationship that he was done with. I'm a psychology major and I don't have my degree yet but you are exhibiting signs of Obsessive-Compulsive- Disorder, you are persistent, anxious, and have intrusive urges that reflect in your actions, this is not a diagnosis but just my observation. One of the biggest effects is experiencing trouble with relationships and letting go.

10 hours ago, sam1256 said:

he initiated the break up, I was heartbroken, I said we were so compatible but he said in his heart he knows that we were not compatible, he does not see a future.

Here again you say one thing and he says another. You only think you two are compatible this shows your relationship is unfortunately one-sided.

10 hours ago, sam1256 said:

I couldn't control myself and kept texting him. He begged him another time we met, he said he does not want to break up again

here again, with the obsessive compulsive disorder, you have a real issue with letting go and your impulsive thoughts controlled your actions, this is not healthy. He is explaining to you that he does not want to pursue a relationship and you push and insist.

10 hours ago, sam1256 said:

I learned that he joined a swim club so I asked if I could join.

You followed him, This would sometimes be seen as a form of stalking and harassment. You are dropping everything for someone who is not willing to do the same for you. 

10 hours ago, sam1256 said:

3 week after break up, he no longer wants to kiss me or hold my hand, he doesn't even look me straight in the eye. I could feel that he had moved on.

This is  normal. You both are broken up, meaning you are no longer together, so It is only normal that you do not do things couples do.

10 hours ago, sam1256 said:

I could feel that he started to look me in the eye, I always ask him to hug me and he said I was so clingy and demanding. But he hugged me anyway

He expresses that you are clingy and demanding. This could be him telling you that you are too persistent and pushy. The fact that he hugged you regardless could be him telling you that this is how he expresses his guilt and pity.

10 hours ago, sam1256 said:

the next week, I started to ask him to kiss me, he started to kiss me on the cheek but avoid the lips, I could feel a little chemistry there, even he does not want to admit it.

You asked him to kiss you. Not good. He does it on the cheek like most friends do, you are pushing a line. you say repeatedly that you feel or see chemistry but have you considered if he feels the same? He has made it clear he doesn't.

10 hours ago, sam1256 said:

(I asked him twice, he hesitated and said it is just me does not like to commit). 

You had to ask him repeatedly before he gave in, you are pressuring him, once again not healthy. 

10 hours ago, sam1256 said:

I tried to hold his hand but he still tried to pull away

You are once again pushing a line, what you guys did may have been casual and you are getting the wrong idea, and you are misinterpreting.

10 hours ago, sam1256 said:

I asked one time that if he cares about me, then he responded if he does not care about me he wouldn't spend the weekend with me in Melbourne.

Yes, you asked and he told you what he believed you wanted to hear, think about this. If you were in the hospital, would he drop everything to visit and take care of you?

10 hours ago, sam1256 said:

I tried to hold his hand again, he finally gave up and hold my hand tightly.

He had to give up? why? why did he have to feel like he was sacrificing something just to get you to quit? please think about that.

10 hours ago, sam1256 said:

a guy walked passed me and I looked at him. He laughed. I asked why, he said, you looked him from head to toe it is so embarrassing. Then, I replied, I don't look at other guys I only look at you. He made a sound "mmmmm"

This here, I am not him, but, I do interpret this as him laughing at your jealousy. Possibly in his eyes you may have been "looking him from head to toe" because you are "checking out the competition" and that to him is embarrassing. and when you said "I don't look at other guys only you", that could be him cringing, at the fact that you are not taking the hints, when he could not be more obvious. 

10 hours ago, sam1256 said:

I don't want to give him pressure and push him away.

Unfortunately, this is exactly what you are doing, and it's not healthy, he is expressing zero interest, you speak of times before the break up when he felt differently, that does not reflect his actions of feeling now though. Please, consider the advice you are being given it may be hard to hear but, you came here for advice and we are not going to lie to you. Move on, or stop dating for awhile, give it a break, some time for you to reevaluate the way you go about thing and handle them, and when it's over heal, and find someone who will treat you how you want to be treated by choice not by force.

[Tinydance]

I'm sorry but basically I agree with everyone else. I understand you're a guy but I recommend the book "He's Just Not That Into You". It's aimed at women but the message is still the same lol

I just looked up some good quotes from that book:

"Because here’s what guys don’t do if they can’t live without you: They don’t break up with you."

"But what I can do is paint you a picture of what you’ll never see when you’re with a guy who’s really into you: You’ll never see you staring maniacally at your phone, willing it to ring. You’ll never see you ruining an evening with friends because you’re calling for your messages every fifteen seconds. You’ll never see you hating yourself for calling him when you know you shouldn’t have. What you will see is you being treated so well that no phone antics will be necessary. You’ll be too busy being adored."

"When it comes to men, deal with them as they are, not how you’d like them to be."

And, my favourite:

"Always be classy. Never be crazy"

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, sam1256 said:

Why is everyone so mean, there is one thing I want in life, why can't I just give it a try? I really like him and I think that we are compatible. I know he does not want a relationship right now, but I will give him time. Why is it so absolute??? He has been the one who was most interested in me. 

Because you’re being mean to him if you continue to act pushy and clingy. You’re being very self absorbed. It’s all about what you want from him. That’s not how it works. 

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, sam1256 said:

How Do I stop being needy and clingy, I just want him to hug me. If I don't hang out with him I just really miss him, I feel like I have to wait another week to see him.

Maybe practice curbing your impulses.  He told you that you’re clingy and doesn’t see a future with you so there’s something about you that seems unsafe and unstable. People don’t say that unless they feel uncomfortable. He may be physically attracted to you and care for you as a human being but it doesn’t mean he’s inspired to love you. 

Try working also on your self-confidence and leave out the negative self-talk that you’re not good enough or there’s no one else for you. Put those thoughts on hold for now and just focus on accepting that this was a break up. 

[Tinydance]

3 hours ago, sam1256 said:

Why is everyone so mean, there is one thing I want in life, why can't I just give it a try? I really like him and I think that we are compatible. I know he does not want a relationship right now, but I will give him time. Why is it so absolute??? He has been the one who was most interested in me. 

compatible

/kəmˈpatɪb(ə)l/

(of two things) able to exist or occur together without problems or conflict.

(of two people) able to have a harmonious relationship; well suited.

Sorry but I don't think what you have with this guy is actually compatible. Your "relationship" is full of drama and causes you stress and anxiety. If you were compatible then things would just be easy. You wouldn't have to "extract blood from a stone" lol

In order to call two people compatible, both people need to feel the same about each other. So each person needs to feel that they're compatible with the other person. This guy unfortunately doesn't feel the same way about you, so you're not on the same page.

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, sam1256 said:

I just want him to hug me.

No you don't. You want more than that.

But listen, he's not your pet. He's a human with his own separate and independent emotions and personality. He has every right to change his mind.

If he sleeps with you, doesn't mean he's into you man. It's just casual sex. You need to distance yourself and fill your life with other things and people you love.