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What should I do? Am I back with him?


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9 hours ago, sam1256 said:

He was the one who was chasing me in the beginning. And it's his idea that he still wants to hangout he can choose to stop hanging out but he didn't. I didn't force him, I only suggested that if he wants to go.

But, he's the one who broke up with you.  He doesn't want to do stuff with you, hold your hand etc. because you are broken up.   Please move on.  I know it's hard but that's what we all have to do after a breakup.

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I have been in your shoes a few times, where you want it to work out so badly...but I remember how much I made myself look like a damn fool being desperate/clingy...it's sooooo unattractive. I hated myself for it. Speaking from experience the reality is it's never going to happen. You can't force or make someone want you/fall in love with you, etc. You need to accept and let go. You can keep going to people/other forums for answers....you are only going to get the same response. 

Edited by smackie9
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10 hours ago, Jacki R. said:

Before I delve into all of these let me just say that If I come off harsh it is not my intention, Because I recognize your feelings are real and so is your pain and heartbreak, but you need some truth and reality even if it's hard to hear. Okay I will now begin. So, starting here is where you meet your first mistake. He leaves you and flat out makes it clear but you insist therefore causing him guilt or pity (you want neither of those if someone wants to date you). He then started exhibiting more signs that he was not interested which makes since because you asked him to come back into a relationship that he was done with. I'm a psychology major and I don't have my degree yet but you are exhibiting signs of Obsessive-Compulsive- Disorder, you are persistent, anxious, and have intrusive urges that reflect in your actions, this is not a diagnosis but just my observation. One of the biggest effects is experiencing trouble with relationships and letting go.

Here again you say one thing and he says another. You only think you two are compatible this shows your relationship is unfortunately one-sided.

here again, with the obsessive compulsive disorder, you have a real issue with letting go and your impulsive thoughts controlled your actions, this is not healthy. He is explaining to you that he does not want to pursue a relationship and you push and insist.

You followed him, This would sometimes be seen as a form of stalking and harassment. You are dropping everything for someone who is not willing to do the same for you. 

This is  normal. You both are broken up, meaning you are no longer together, so It is only normal that you do not do things couples do.

He expresses that you are clingy and demanding. This could be him telling you that you are too persistent and pushy. The fact that he hugged you regardless could be him telling you that this is how he expresses his guilt and pity.

You asked him to kiss you. Not good. He does it on the cheek like most friends do, you are pushing a line. you say repeatedly that you feel or see chemistry but have you considered if he feels the same? He has made it clear he doesn't.

You had to ask him repeatedly before he gave in, you are pressuring him, once again not healthy. 

You are once again pushing a line, what you guys did may have been casual and you are getting the wrong idea, and you are misinterpreting.

Yes, you asked and he told you what he believed you wanted to hear, think about this. If you were in the hospital, would he drop everything to visit and take care of you?

He had to give up? why? why did he have to feel like he was sacrificing something just to get you to quit? please think about that.

This here, I am not him, but, I do interpret this as him laughing at your jealousy. Possibly in his eyes you may have been "looking him from head to toe" because you are "checking out the competition" and that to him is embarrassing. and when you said "I don't look at other guys only you", that could be him cringing, at the fact that you are not taking the hints, when he could not be more obvious. 

Unfortunately, this is exactly what you are doing, and it's not healthy, he is expressing zero interest, you speak of times before the break up when he felt differently, that does not reflect his actions of feeling now though. Please, consider the advice you are being given it may be hard to hear but, you came here for advice and we are not going to lie to you. Move on, or stop dating for awhile, give it a break, some time for you to reevaluate the way you go about thing and handle them, and when it's over heal, and find someone who will treat you how you want to be treated by choice not by force.

First of all, I feel like I am the most evil person on the planet from what you said, pushing and pressuring someone. I admit that I like him very much and I do not want to give up.

He does not have to do what I suggest, he is a free person, he does whatever he likes to do, he can reject me. my dad pursued my mum for a long time, my mum was not interested, but they ended up together ever since. So my dad pressured my mum into marrying in him??? What is wrong with pursuing someone? I did nothing wrong but good to him, treat him well, cared for him when he is sick. 

From now on, I am going to tell him that I won't ask him out again, but he is free to do so if he wants to. 

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6 hours ago, sam1256 said:

What is wrong with pursuing someone?

Because you are completely confusing "pursuing" with begging and being pushy and clingy and only caring about what you want.  

You are setting yourself up to get badly hurt all over again. This guy isn't going to stick around. 

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Problem with pursuing someone is that a lot of people find it difficult to say "No". You say he can simply reject you. Well he has tried breaking up with you and you didn't respect his wishes. He is non-committal when you suggest things but you keep insisting. And he probably feels a bit guilty and a bit sorry for you while is why he is staying friends with you.

But eventually he will build up enough resentment that it will overwhelm the feelings of pity and guilt and he will find the strength to completely cut you off and that will break your heart. 

 

 

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11 hours ago, sam1256 said:

First of all, I feel like I am the most evil person on the planet from what you said, pushing and pressuring someone. I admit that I like him very much and I do not want to give up.

He does not have to do what I suggest, he is a free person, he does whatever he likes to do, he can reject me. my dad pursued my mum for a long time, my mum was not interested, but they ended up together ever since. So my dad pressured my mum into marrying in him??? What is wrong with pursuing someone? I did nothing wrong but good to him, treat him well, cared for him when he is sick. 

From now on, I am going to tell him that I won't ask him out again, but he is free to do so if he wants to. 

Well in *some* situations pursuing does work but I think it's actually rare to be honest. The problem is you can't just force someone to have feelings for you. If this guy had feelings for you then why wouldn't he just want to be your boyfriend? It's not hard to just be in a relationship with someone if you really like them. So if someone doesn't commit to you then it's because they actually don't want to. Please don't think there's some other hidden reason for it because there isn't.

Edited by Tinydance
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12 hours ago, sam1256 said:

First of all, I feel like I am the most evil person on the planet from what you said, pushing and pressuring someone. I admit that I like him very much and I do not want to give up.

He does not have to do what I suggest, he is a free person, he does whatever he likes to do, he can reject me. my dad pursued my mum for a long time, my mum was not interested, but they ended up together ever since. So my dad pressured my mum into marrying in him??? What is wrong with pursuing someone? I did nothing wrong but good to him, treat him well, cared for him when he is sick. 

From now on, I am going to tell him that I won't ask him out again, but he is free to do so if he wants to. 

I apologize for making you feel this way, it was not my intention. I have to agree with everyone above me, and also tell you, that there is a difference between 'pursuing' and 'persisting,pressuring, and pushing'. Yes, he may have free will but he may feel bad and therefore you are taking advantage of this will. Don't get me wrong! He is in the wrong as well, he is leading you on, and that's not good. He won't stick around OP, find someone that will.

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13 hours ago, sam1256 said:

From now on, I am going to tell him that I won't ask him out again, but he is free to do so if he wants to. 

No, there’s no need to say anything. He dumped you. Do you see that it’s inappropriate to state the obvious? Go on about your life and move on quietly. 

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My son does this. You tell him to please stop flooding the floor during his epic shower and he tries to make you feel badly for the instruction.  I don’t think you’re evil. I think your choices in this particular situation are misguided, self absorbed and potentially very harmful emotionally and physically. 
You don’t get in someone’s space - actual or emotional- after they say stop. You don’t try to pursue someone who doesn’t have the type of romantic feelings towards you that are for potentially serious relationships.  Yes there’s always a remote chance of an exception. But not in your situation given how many times he’s told you and shown you he’s not that into you. 

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Coming on here for advice is the worst thing i can do. Everyone is so negative and judgemental, all you have to say is I am self absorbed pushy evil, wishful thinking all the bad things you can possibly imagine. Stop judging a stranger you do not know. 

I did not put a gun on to his head, how do i pressure him if he does not want to do it??? He can just block me or something, I won't bother him one bit. We have a great time, we laugh together and have fun, period.

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Stop telling me what I can or can't do. Talking about pushy, you guys are the most pushy. You are ruining people lives on here. I am going to stop listening to everyone telling me clingy demanding are wrong, everyone has different personal styles. Everyone is supposed to live the same way as your ideal image??? What is wrong with that??? Where is the individuality and identity??? Embracing yourself is personal strength not weakness. hiding your true self is weakness.

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Just now, sam1256 said:

Coming on here for advice is the worst thing i can do. Everyone is so negative and judgemental, all you have to say is I am self absorbed pushy evil, wishful thinking all the bad things you can possibly imagine. Stop judging a stranger you do not know. 

I did not put a gun on to his head, how do i pressure him if he does not want to do it??? He can just block me or something, I won't bother him one bit. We have a great time, we laugh together and have fun, period.

Because when it comes to a romantic relationship or any human relationship if one person doesn’t want to play in the sandbox the respectful and thoughtful reaction is to step aside. It’s not “being clingy and pushy to this person who is not that into me is ok because I’m not resorting to violence “. 
the other day I was waiting for my food order   My shake and drink arrived  I began to carefully transfer it to my bag and a stranger - a man- asked if he could assist  I said no thank you firmly and didn’t want him to keep approaching me also because of Covid  

I then continued maneuvering it into my bag  and he got right up close to me almost touching my food to “help” - I shouted EXCUSE ME and he stepped away  (I couldn’t or I’d have dropped my food )  he would most likely say “I was just trying to be a gentleman and help her and she only said no one time !” I would have had no issue at all if the employees decided to escort him out for his pushy behavior. 
 Same deal with you   You’re making  excuses to keep up your selfish and disrespectful behavior and coming up with various rationalizations and playing this as if people here are being judgmental and calling you evil   Nope  - you’re being presumptuous assuming that if you just keep up the pressure you’ll convince this person to be into you   It doesn’t work that way  and I think you know that  

 

 

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Not one person called you "evil".  The only person who used that word is you.

You asked, we responded with our opinions. Yes, IMO you are being pushy and clingy.  ALL romantic relationships are strictly voluntary.  We don't get to demand or insist someone be with us as a couple.  

I do hope you find your happiness.  

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2 hours ago, sam1256 said:

Selfish and disrespectful, you know nothing about me, yet you start judging me.

Even with your example, you are being extremely rude to a person who was trying to help you. That is a terrible example. You are being a karen. you had to shout at him??? Where are your manners??? This is exactly why people on here know nothing and just type on their keyboard acting self righteous. 

I had to shout excuse me to prevent him from coming closer. I couldn’t move as I was bogged down with packages containing my husband’s shake.  What he was doing trying to touch me and my food and being right near my purse was harassment and I was ready if needed to get help from a store employee to stop this stranger from getting in my personal space.
My point was even if he insisted on helping I’d told him once no thank you  what he did is like what you’re doing - you’ve decided you know best and that if you keep pushing and trying to convince this person who’s told you no in every which way he will come around to thinking you two belong together  

I’ve been victimized in the past by men who tried this   It’s not fun  at all  

The only good thing that came of it was it motivated me to meet my future husband for a friendly catch up dinner 16 years ago  I’d received multiple emails from a guy who insisted I should see him again (after a very good phone conversation the night  before where I told him I wasn’t feeling  it as far as chemistry and I didn’t want to lead him on)  the emails were of the pleading variety then turned accusatory in the space of an hour  then he apologized and wanted to be friends. No thanks.
 

  then my future husband called and said he knew it was last minute but he was free for dinner and we’d discussed in the previous week or so potentially meeting up    I was so relieved to have a plan where It wouldn’t be a date and I wouldn’t be asked  about  my dating life  so I said sure ! The rest as they say is history  and in that history no convincing needed   We both had the same general goals and we both wanted each other  and we still do  


I’m not  saying you are disrespectful and selfish. I am saying your choices in this particular situation were in my humble opinion. I’m not judging you as a person. 

Edited by Batya33
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2 hours ago, sam1256 said:

Coming on here for advice is the worst thing i can do. Everyone is so negative and judgemental, all you have to say is I am self absorbed pushy evil, wishful thinking all the bad things you can possibly imagine. Stop judging a stranger you do not know. 

 

Nobody has said you are evil.  

"NO means NO."  He broke up with you.  You have made it abundantly clear that you don't want that.  If he changes his mind, he knows that, and it's up to him to come to you.  He shouldn't have to be very aggressive and possibly cruel - or, get a restraining order - for you to respect the fact that he broke up with you, because he did not want to be in the relationship any longer.   

NO means NO.  Believe him.  Don't make him change his phone number, block you, make you cry or call the police.   

If you don't want opinions from strangers, posting on a message board is a bad idea.

 

 

Edited by Jaunty
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2 hours ago, sam1256 said:

Everyone is supposed to live the same way as your ideal image??? What is wrong with that??? Where is the individuality and identity??? Embracing yourself is personal strength not weakness. hiding your true self is weakness.

What are you talking about?

This has nothing to do with individuality and identity. You are deflecting rather than reflecting. And as long as you keep doing that, you will likely continue to wind up in short-lived relationships. 

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