Advice Boyfriend doesnt want to come to my home ever again

[DarkCh0c0]

1 minute ago, amyward79 said:

I just didn't want to give up and waste 3 years.

The more you stay, the more you waste time on finding the real MAN for you to be your life partner.

Even think of the kids... They need a good equivalent of a father figure. A father who is independent, honest, kind, and treats their mom right. A father that makes mom fell special. You shouldn't go for any less.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, amyward79 said:

 I was the one to approach his house and his father answered the door. I arrived asking for my bf but his father stated he wasn't there.

Does he work? Go to college? Does he eat and sleep at your house? He seems more like an orphan running away from home than a BF.

Why were you showing up at his house? 

Is your children's father paying child support? Do they spend time with him? What is the visitation and custody arrangement?

This kid seems more like a juvenile delinquent who hides at your place or at his parents place.

[Tinydance]

Well this also all seems like too much drama. Wouldn't you rather be with a guy who has his own place, has a job and gets along with your children?

[boltnrun]

7 hours ago, amyward79 said:

I do feel like if I did leave for good he might harm himself or me. 

Why do you think this? What has he said or done to you? What has he threatened?

 

7 hours ago, amyward79 said:

I just didn't want to give up and waste 3 years.

As Dr. Phil says, the only thing worse than staying in a bad three year relationship is staying in it for three years and one more day. Sunk cost fallacy here. A relationship shouldn't be a life sentence.

[lostandhurt]

My guess is that your sons (only 6 years younger than he is) remind him how much you are in different places in life.  He might not even know why or even acknowledge it is a problem but he knows he  doesn't feel comfortable at your house or more importantly there with the reminders of the gap in life between you too.

In the end it matters little as to the why for you because as you stated you cannot have a relationship if you don't spend time together.

You are not throwing 3 years away since it sounds like you had some good times but I don't see this immature struggling young man as a life long partner for you.  Unfortunately this Cinderella story will not have a happy ending. 

Do him and yourself a favor and make a clean break so he can recover from his surgeries and get on with his life while you heal and and think about what and who you want to share your life with.

Lost

[amyward79]

yes ive told him today how I feel about him keeping me from his family and he continuously brings up the window incident. I told him I can not and refuse to have a relationship where he doesnt come to my home. he keeps stating he is uncomfortable, I stated that he just came over not to long ago, his comment back was yes because I dont want to lose you. well than ***, why change up now and still tell me he desperately doesnt want to lose me. I would have left a million years ago. I think and definitely know now after all this contemplation of my life why I hold on. I have absolutely no one left but my children who have their own life. Again they are turning 19 in 2 days and I also have 2 daughters who are 23 and 21 soon. The girls have their own houses with their bf and are always working. my sons are always at work an have their own gfs. My entire family is gone(moved away) I never talk to them. I have no one!!!! I hold on to him because of that but its time to let go.

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, amyward79 said:

I have no one!!!! I hold on to him because of that but its time to let go.

But you don't really have him either, though. 

I would bet my bottom dollar his family and friends don't even know he has a girlfriend, OP. Hell, maybe he's even got a new girlfriend and is just trying to keep his worlds from colliding. Perhaps she would be suspicious if he was spending the night elsewhere, hence his absolute refusal to come over to yours anymore. It would not suprise me one bit if you someday learned you are not the only woman he's got on his roster. 

But the point is that you don't know fundamental parts of his life. He keeps you in the shadows and makes absurd excuses for it. So, you don't exactly have a boyfriend in the true sense of the word and as most would understand the term. 

While it is great that you've realized that it's time to end this, in the future, don't accept scraps of someone's time and investment. There's something really wrong with the whole picture and you've been accepting a half-relationship for way too long. 

[DarkCh0c0]

34 minutes ago, amyward79 said:

! I hold on to him because of that but its time to let go.

Honey, he's not going to change. What you see is what you get and you areNo not even getting bread crumbs from this relationship. And always pay attention to his actions, not words. He can tell you he loves you and all that sweet talk, but it's BS with his actions.

Glad you are finding you need to let go. And YOU DON'T NEED HIS PERMISSION to end it. Just end it yourself and block him everywhere.

You need a MAN and a potential good father figure for your kids. Someone who treats you right and who's a good compatible partner. Please don't go for any less next time.

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, amyward79 said:

yes ive told him today how I feel about him keeping me from his family and he continuously brings up the window incident. I told him I can not and refuse to have a relationship where he doesnt come to my home. he keeps stating he is uncomfortable, I stated that he just came over not to long ago, his comment back was yes because I dont want to lose you. well than ***, why change up now and still tell me he desperately doesnt want to lose me. I would have left a million years ago. I think and definitely know now after all this contemplation of my life why I hold on. I have absolutely no one left but my children who have their own life. Again they are turning 19 in 2 days and I also have 2 daughters who are 23 and 21 soon. The girls have their own houses with their bf and are always working. my sons are always at work an have their own gfs. My entire family is gone(moved away) I never talk to them. I have no one!!!! I hold on to him because of that but its time to let go.

Sorry to get all Sigmund Freud psychoanalytical on you but considering you're missing your children and your daughters are basically the same age as your boyfriend, are you sure you're not projecting on him like on your child? I'm not implying you want to have sex with your children but this could be a subconscious thing.

Do you really not have anyone? No other family or friends? This guy you've been dating just doesn't seem very mature. I think that's really unfair that you haven't been introduced to any of his friends and family after three years. If he's worried about his house then why didn't he organise some dinners at a restaurant or something where you could have all gone out together? Sorry but there's no excuse for this. It just seems like he wants to hide you from his family, maybe because of the age gap?

There is no reason why you should be alone but there's no need to be with a guy who doesn't really seem to take you that seriously. You can find someone else.

[Wiseman2]

Don't fill an empty next with a lover your daughters age.

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get a side hustle, take some classes and courses, get involved in fitness and health.

You're children are not your peers to confide in. Neither is this boy.

There's people to talk to. Go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men for a low-key coffee ☕

Leave this boy alone. He doesn't want to come over anymore.

[boltnrun]

I signed up for Next Door. There's a lot of people on there looking for hiking partners, people to go to events with, etc. There's always something going on.

Yes, your area does too have something like this. Next Door exists in all areas.

Instead of clinging to a poor relationship, why not do something fun? This guy isn't bringing you any joy.