Advice Boyfriend doesnt want to come to my home ever again

[amyward79]

Ill try to make this as short as possible. been dating 3+yrs. Bf is a lot younger but we have had a great relationship and it has not affected us at all. He is 24 Im in my late 30s. I have 2 18 year old sons that live at home. My bf has gotten along with them up until last year when we got into a fight and my one son developed a grudge since than. My son was extremely disrespectful last summer by talking "crap" to my bf but that was as far as it went and nothing else was said. My bf continued to come to my home and spend the night . We never had another interaction with anyone. Fast forward to the end of October when my bf had surgery and hasn't worked and I haven't seen n him much since, compared to every single day almost all last year till the surgery. We just got back from a short vacation and talked about our relationship and he told me he loves me and has been depressed about not working due to another surgery. End of discussion we had a blast on our vaca and when I got home I explained that I need us to start getting back to us and start spending more time together and get back to us. He told me he is not comfortable coming to my home ever again because of my son. he stated he is extremely uncomfortable and refuses to give in. I talked to him and explained that my son has let things go and wants me to be happy . My son even offered to leave a couple times a week so that i have privacy. My bf absolutely said no he will not come here. Even tho he was here in the month of Dec,Jan,Feb with no issues and he didn't seem to be bothered. I have told him we need to figure something out or as much as I love him I wont be in a relationship where I don't ever see him. Also going to his house is not an option.  He keeps saying he is sorry he is letting me down and sorry he is disappointing me but still refuses to come over.  I have asked if its something else but he just says no one likes him in my house and he is uncomfortable. I believe there is more to this. Any advice or thoughts? I dont want to throw away 3 years but I need someone in my everyday life

[MissCanuck]

21 minutes ago, amyward79 said:

Also going to his house is not an option.

Why is that? 

22 minutes ago, amyward79 said:

I believe there is more to this.

You're probably right, but he is painting this relationship into a corner. And he knows it. His home isn't an option, and he's stated that yours no longer is an option, either. So you're at a stalemate, and my hunch is that he is leaning toward ending the relationship. He just doesn't know how to tell you yet. 

I'm sorry. 

[amyward79]

So, I actually told him I wanted to end the relationship if things didnt improve. He started crying and begging and told me he loves me and things will get better. I explained how I felt and he apologized and stated that he only wants me and def. wants to stay together and I was willing to give him that chance. 

[MissCanuck]

How exactly are things going to get better when you cannot see each other? 

His tears are meaningless if he doesn't put any action behind it. He refuses to come to your house. So, what's his plan for how this will improve? Rent a hotel room every time you want to see each other? Or...? 

And why can't you go to his house? 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, amyward79 said:

 going to his house is not an option.  

Sorry this is happening. Why is going to his house not an option? 

Does he live with his parents? He seems too immature for you. You're basically incompatible.

 

[Rose Mosse]

You can’t force someone like that to go over to your place, also displacing your son in the process. You both grew attached under ideal circumstances but you’re realizing now how your age difference impacts a relationship. It seems you’re in different phases.

Instead of needing each other why don’t you both respectfully decide if this is working and set each other free if it’s no longer tenable. He’s only 24. If he still lives with his parents or is working on a future for himself a relationship like this only holds him back. I also wonder if you can do better. 

[boltnrun]

Why can't you go to his house? Is he living with someone else?

[Seraphim]

You have reached the point where you can see incompatibility and the lack of maturity in his case based on age. 

[Lambert]

The only apology is changed behavior.

Humans do fall out, argue, get mad, etc. If your son is willing to let it go and your bf is not, that tells you a lot about what you're dealing with. 

It may be time to end this relationship.

[smackie9]

I say play it out and see what happens...things will change when you kids graduate and move out. 

[amyward79]

Yes unfortunately he lives still with his parents and sisters. I think he is embarrassed of his house because his family doesn't have a lot of money is what i assume. I do believe its time to let things go. I should have a long time ago. I work hard in a fast paced environment and deserve to come home to someone that wants to be around me at the end of the day. I absolutely see everyone's point and I appreciate all. I definitely needed the reassurance that I was feeling. 

[boltnrun]

3 hours ago, amyward79 said:

Yes unfortunately he lives still with his parents and sisters. I think he is embarrassed of his house because his family doesn't have a lot of money is what i assume. I do believe its time to let things go. I should have a long time ago. I work hard in a fast paced environment and deserve to come home to someone that wants to be around me at the end of the day. I absolutely see everyone's point and I appreciate all. I definitely needed the reassurance that I was feeling. 

You will be fine. In fact, you may be surprised at how relieved you'll feel once the primary source of your anxiety is in your past.

Wishing you all the best.

[Seraphim]

Pretty common for 24 year old to live at home these days. My 24 year old lives at home. However, I don’t think they are up to speed with someone at a totally different stage of life. 

[LootieTootie]

I might be jumping in to conclusions here but the writing is on the wall. Big age gap. The guy is in a different stage in life where he is trying to find himself and be independent.

You on the other hand, you're already independent and a mother of 2 young men already. He is probably starting to feel like maybe he doesn't want to be coddle any more and wants to fix and figure things out on his own.

It's common too for young 20 year old females who fall in love with an older man who is like a father figure to them too. Eventually they rebel when they hit their late 20s or early 30s and just don't want to be kept in a box any more. 

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, amyward79 said:

I think he is embarrassed of his house because his family doesn't have a lot of money is what i assume.

Have you ever been to his house, even once? I hope you have at least met his family. 

6 hours ago, amyward79 said:

I do believe its time to let things go. I should have a long time ago.

Yes, agreed. This isn't working anymore and he can't commit the way you would (understandably) like. 

[amyward79]

No, I have not personally. There is always a issue. At first he wasn't comfortable and now its due to a issue with his windows being blown out in the house, he has explained that they think its me because the night it happened we were fighting. I have explained numerous times it wasn't me but to no avail.  Regardless tonight was the last straw. He is the one who is constantly stating he wants to be with me and wants things to work. Tonight I informed him about the forum. I stated that it would help us to read the replies together and go from there. He about lost it stating that a forum is looking for unwanted attention and I shouldn't have done this. I also noticed on my way to a store tonight, he hasn't been home all day.  I was on my way home from the store and was a witness less than 5 feet from my vehicle to  a motorcycle crash and victim thrown from vehicle. long story short I was trying to get a hold of him and he wasn't answering or texting back. Eventually called back after seeing a picture but was at the gym supposed. I refused to answer his next phone call and will continue this way. I'm tired of being treated like I'm garbage. I don't care what age you are. He is playing games and holding on to me for what I have no idea but it wont happen anymore!

[amyward79]

3 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

I might be jumping in to conclusions here but the writing is on the wall. Big age gap. The guy is in a different stage in life where he is trying to find himself and be independent.

You on the other hand, you're already independent and a mother of 2 young men already. He is probably starting to feel like maybe he doesn't want to be coddle any more and wants to fix and figure things out on his own.

It's common too for young 20 year old females who fall in love with an older man who is like a father figure to them too. Eventually they rebel when they hit their late 20s or early 30s and just don't want to be kept in a box any more. 

I wished that was the case. If he would be honest with me and have said that I would have walked away knowing Im doing the right thing for the guy I loved for years. Except for the fact I have tried many times to walk away and he always finds a way to get me back. I do feel like if I did leave for good he might harm himself or me. I just dont know anymore

[Wiseman2]

On 4/6/2022 at 1:00 AM, amyward79 said:

. He is 24 Im in my late 30s. I have 2 18 year old sons that live at home. 

Sadly it seems more like he has a rough home life, wants a mother figure and hangs out with you for this reason.

He's acting more like a troubled foster child than a partner.

[DarkCh0c0]

20 minutes ago, amyward79 said:

I do feel like if I did leave for good he might harm himself or me

That's not your responsibility nor your problem to take on. This would be manipulation and NOT healthy love. And... You're not his mom, therapist, cook, ect. So stop there.

You need to leave, and follow through aka block him, stop all contact, change the locks, and start accepting that he just isn't the one.

I can clearly tell that he's too coward to end it and he wants you to feel like the bad guy here- when it's not the case. And, woman you need a MAN not a boy at your age. Reflect on all this and what kind of partner you actually want in life. Up your standards for you and your kids and love yourself enough to stay away from this him.

Edited April 7 by DarkCh0c0

[Tinydance]

Well, I think age aside, there are some clear issues here. I think the really big one is your boyfriend and your son don't get along. And at this point it actually seems like your boyfriend is more the issue. Your son has stopped saying anything rude and even said he'd go out to give you and your boyfriend privacy. I think your boyfriend is now being immature to hold a grudge. Even your son who is still a teenager is behaving better because he's moved on from everything now.

Also I understand that if your boyfriend lives with his family, there's not much privacy there. But don't you find it suspicious that in the three years of being together, you've never been to his house even once? Has he introduced you to his family and friends? If he hasn't introduced you after three years, I would think he's trying to hide you from them.

I'm not sure how your relationship can really work if you just don't see each other. Also your son will always be in your life, so if your boyfriend won't reconcile with him, this might cause you issues later down the track.

I know that these days it's considered OK for a 24-year-old to live at home. But at the same time he is also of an age where he should be starting to think about moving out. A lot of people in their mid 20's also branch out on their own. Especially if he's too embarrassed to invite someone over to his place, it would be very beneficial for him to move somewhere else.

I mean, the age difference wouldn't be a problem if your boyfriend had his own place and/or got along well with your son. Unfortunately the reality is he doesn't.

Edited April 7 by Tinydance

[MissCanuck]

38 minutes ago, amyward79 said:

There is always a issue. At first he wasn't comfortable and now its due to a issue with his windows being blown out in the house, he has explained that they think its me because the night it happened we were fighting. I have explained numerous times it wasn't me but to no avail. 

What the h*ll, OP. 

There is something really wrong with this entire relationship. I am not sure why you have tolerated this nonsense so long. I would seriously question what exactly he has been hiding this whole time. 

So have you never met his family, either? 

[amyward79]

2 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well, I think age aside, there are some clear issues here. I think the really big one is your boyfriend and your son don't get along. And at this point it actually seems like your boyfriend is more the issue. Your son has stopped sating anything rude and even said he'd go out to give you and your boyfriend privacy. I think your boyfriend is now being immature to hold a grudge. Even your son who is still a teenager is behaving better because he's moved on from everything now.

Also I understand that if your boyfriend lives with his family, there's not much privacy there. But don't you find it suspicious that in the three years of being together, you've never been to his house even once? Has he introduced you to his family and friends? If he hasn't introduced you after three years, I would think he's trying to hide you from them.

I'm not sure how your relationship can really work if you just don't see each other. Also your son will always be in your life, so if your boyfriend won't reconcile with him, this might cause you issues later down the track.

I know that these days it's considered OK for a 24-year-old to live at home. But at the same time he is also of an age where he should be starting to think about moving out. A lot of people in their mid 20's also branch out on their own. Especially if he's too embarrassed to invite someone over to his place, it would be very beneficial for him to move somewhere else.

I mean, the age difference wouldn't be a problem if your boyfriend had his own place and/or got along well with your son. Unfortunately the reality is he doesn't.

I find everything he does or says suspicious.  I have made a decision to let him know immediately tomorrow that i need to let this unhealthy relationship go for the both of us. He is an admitted liar and I cant take it anymore. Everyone is correct if he cant let things go and my almost 19 year old did what does that say about him...not that much.

[amyward79]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

What the h*ll, OP. 

There is something really wrong with this entire relationship. I am not sure why you have tolerated this nonsense so long. I would seriously question what exactly he has been hiding this whole time. 

So have you never met his family, either? 

I have never met anyone but his father face to face. I have given my bf the benefit of the doubt the entire time and have tried my hardest to be understanding. Even though he was the one to initiate and recommend meeting my entire family. Mind you I was the one to approach his house and his father answered the door. I arrived asking for my bf but his father stated he wasn't there. I don't know if he was or not due to a language barrier.  I also only live 2 blocks away. I know I was a idiot for ever getting into this but at this point I'm trying to minimize damage. I just didn't want to give up and waste 3 years.

[DarkCh0c0]

OP also please stay single for a while until you figure out why you went for such a male/boy. And reflect on what you really need from a relationship and his you feel special. Learn to Make yourself feel special too in the meanwhile and don't accept any less from any man.

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, amyward79 said:

have never met anyone but his father face to face

I had a bad feeling you were going to say this. It is quite obvious you are a secret from everyone in his life. You should not give the benefit of the doubt in situations like this. You should not accept being treated like this. 

There is a reason we all need standards and boundaries. I would end this and find a man who can offer you a real relationship. This one exists only in the shadows of his life.