BPD in new boyfriend? Do I run?

[Hazelnutdream]

6 weeks ago I met a guy in a bar whilst out. We mostly flirted but we also had lots in common. I stated pretty soon on that I wasn't interested in a hookup as he was very flirty & suggestive but he told me he was fine with that and asked me on a date. 

It was lovely. He took me for a nice dinner and to the to floor of a hotel to show me views and we laughed and chatted non stop. For the last 4/5 weeks, we have been meeting every weekend, exploring the city we recently moved to, chatting, laughing, eating out, trying new hobbies... Its been spontaneous & impulsive. 

He explained early on that he is very one worded and straight to the point. This didn't bother me until week 3 where our weekends were so fluid but hed message back every few hours with a simple "yeah true x" or simply "yeah". He phones me sometimes but not all that often. 

Last weekend was pretty intense. We went to a sunset beach and he got his phone out, took a picture of us stating "I want a new profile picture, come here. I'm gonna get a photo of us" . Immediately he uploaded it to Facebook, this was a nice indication that he wanted people to know about us but we didn't have the "what are we" conversation. Happy that he was taking this seriously, I didn't question it whatsoever. He then told me how he was getting attached and wanted to savour all of our time together before the week started. 

One week later (last night) he invited me to a play he's in. He's been very quiet with me all week despite the Facebook situation last Sunday but I've tried to tell myself to stay cool especially after his gesture. On Wednesday though, it got to me. I sent him a jokey text stating "heyyy, why you quiet mister??". He told me he was simply 'busy'. The play was great, he played one of the leads and afterwards he asked if I wanted to join the cast for drinks before we went to his place. 

To my confusion & horror, he was very cold with me in body language. No holding my hand, no kissing, just talking to other people, occasionally taking notice of my conversations with his friends. His friends left as we began to walk home and he began acting very odd, walking ahead of me, chuckling to himself and finally saying, "Hmmm. You.. You've been very needy this week, haven't you? I'm not sure how I feel about that"... I was stunned, appalled and humiliated. I stuttered a few words then questioned him. He continued, 

"don't be clingy. I've been busy, I can't be having you clingy. You also treated me weird in the theater, you obviously think I'm a *** actor and I feel so insecure now" 

I immediately cornered him, telling him how I simply went ONE message on Wednesday about how quiet he was. I reminded him how HE was the one demanding longer dates and the Facebook photo. He then devastatingly said "I think you should go home". I was broken. I'd come over 30minutes in the rain, spent on tickets and I was stuck in a town at 1am. I didn't deserve this. I pulled him to one side and demanded he tell me what was happening. He looked dazed and finally said "I'm sorry. My head is in a weird place. I want you to be mine. I want you to be my girlfriend". 

I went back to his place, completely phased by the entire night, a little scared about his new behaviour towards me and finally he began to tell me how he was just feeling stressed and nervous from the play. He mentioned ever so briefly how he "gets like this" but bypassed it begging me to be in a relationship with him. 

We made up, he apologised and we cuddled to sleep.. Until, I woke at 5am to.. 

"I'm still thinking of your behavior tonight. You were so flirty with my best friend." 

At this point, I almost lost it. He got over it within ten minutes and apologised and was back to his normal self for the rest of the day. I considered running as soon as morning came but i wanted to clarify how upset & confused I was before I left. He explained all of this was insecurity with both me & his career and told me he knew he'd messed everything up with his problems. We walked to the train station as he apologised profusely, being very chilled saying he understood if I didn't want to see him again. He kissed me, held me close and said "please, give me one more chance. I know I scared you but it's cos I really like you". 

I'm home now. Processing. Wondering what happened to the happy, chirpy, sincere guy I dated for the last 2 months. Concerningly, I have begun to feel things for him and today he was an angel. but this can't surely be forgiven & forgot? 

 

 

[1a1a]

Oh no no no no no no Run!

 

Stay with this guy and expect to have the rug pulled out from under you many many more times. Who you saw tonight is the real him, stressed him, it wasn’t even you that stressed him out. Imagine calling you needy because of one text? What happens when you actually need his support?!!

 

You’re lucky he’s showed this side of himself so early. 
 

I’m sorry the charming guy wasn’t the complete picture and emphatically recommend against pursuing this one.

 

(Also not saying people with bpd can never have meaningful relationships but people who have it and aren’t doing anything to manage it and make conflict out of nothing? That’s a death by a thousand paper cuts for you the partner).

[Tanzi]

Yes, this is the real him. It didn’t take long for his true colours to come out., did it. This is a sign of things to come … and it will likely get worse.

He is insecure and jealous. He will end up trying to control you in an attempt to keep you all to himself.

Don’t go there. 

[Capricorn3]

I'd run so fast you wouldn't see me for dust.  OP, he has shown you his true colours. It would serve you well to take heed and nip it in the bud right now.  This has disaster written all over it. For your own health, safety and mental wellbeing, end it now and never look back. Block. Delete. NC.

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, Hazelnutdream said:

Wondering what happened to the happy, chirpy, sincere guy I dated for the last 2 months.

It was an act. This is the nice, nice, mean!! cycle of an abusive relationship. Don't get guilted by a mental illness. Sympathy is fine, but that is no reason to stay. 

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, Hazelnutdream said:

but this can't surely be forgiven & forgot? 

I once dated a man with (diagnosed but untreated) BPD. It started much like you describe. 

And it got worse. A lot worse. 

Get out now. You're seeing the tip of the iceberg, I'm sorry to say, and it's only been 6 weeks. Don't tolerate this. You are in for a very rough ride if you continue despite these red flags. 

[SooSad33]

Yup, 2 months and you see now how he really is/ will be.

His hot/cold behaviour, etc.. Will be all in all very challenging.

So- yeah, you be smart about this and kindly admit this isn't for you.  Has only been a cpl months.  No need for any ongoing explanations.

[Hazelnutdream]

Very relieved to hear this from you all, thank you.

But yep. I fear he will play games now, it's nice to hear your experiences on here as I know little about mental health but INSTANTLY heard sirens at his creepy chuckle before he accused me. 

What makes things trickier is he didn't play possessive when I explained continuously how frightened I was of his sudden mood switches. He sat there meditating on it, saying he understood and paused upon me stating how terrible it felt. Im not condoning his 'nicey' behaviour but feel I can be honest upon ending it as I told him

"NO girl deserves to be left on read or on the streets alone by someone she thought cared" and he agreed.

Unsure what to do if he DOES go somewhat insane on me but know I've got good people around me and hoping he will back off

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Hazelnutdream said:

To my confusion & horror, he was just talking to other people,  chuckling to himself and finally saying, "Hmmm. You.. You've been very needy this week, haven't you? I'm not sure how I feel about that"... I was stunned, appalled and humiliated

I immediately cornered him, . He then devastatingly said "I think you should go home". 

Sorry this is happening. Too much too soon. Especially way too much drama for 40 days of dating.

Devastated! Stunned! Horror! Appalled! Humiliated! Confused!

Listen to yourself. If there's this much negativity and drama in just a few weeks dating, take a break.

You are both new to this city? Are either of you recently divorced/broken up? 

You don't seem ready to date. Don't pick men up in bars if you are wary about it.

Take a deep breath. Relax. Step back. Pace yourself.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Hazelnutdream said:

I fear he will play games now

He can't play games if you don't give him the space to do so. 

Simply tell him you don't wish to continue dating, and make a clean break. That will include blocking all points of contact. 

[Batya33]

Yes I agree with run.  You're lucky you saw this early on.  I'm sorry you had to put up with this nonsense.  Whether or not he has an actual diagnosis is besides the point.  Good luck.

[Jibralta]

3 hours ago, Hazelnutdream said:

Unsure what to do if he DOES go somewhat insane on me but know I've got good people around me and hoping he will back off

I found myself in a situation with someone with similar behavior a long time ago. He seemed awesome at first, but--right around the 2 month mark, actually--he started displaying possessive, borderline mean behavior. It snapped me right out of my warm fuzzies. I realized he could be a total psycho.

Instead of confronting him about it, I did the slow fade. And it worked pretty well because he was intermittently trying to give me the silent treatment at the same time! So, if you're worried about confrontation, I suggest doing the slow fade and riding out the waves of his own manipulation tactics.

[Blue_Skirt]

Who needs this kind of drama in their life? Get the running shoes out!

[Lambert]

Feets don't fail me now! 

Don't put up with this. It's early on enough for you to get out of this with less emotional and mental damage to yourself. 

I'm not being dramatic, his treatment of you will mess you up. 

It's a situation you want to avoid.  Especially if you want to marry & have kids. Think about that.  

[smackie9]

This guy is cuckoo for coco puffs. Block/delete run!