Caught him lying

[Rose Mosse]

4 hours ago, FraniMar22 said:

I moved an hour away from my son and my family to be with this man.  I need to get back to where I have people who truly care about me.  He knew full well how I felt about communicating with other women in that manner and he did it anyway.  Granted, the messages were from a year ago and nothing since, which is his argument. I say he should it never should have happened while he’s supposed to be committed to me.  He can be sweet and caring and then flip the switch and be mean and cold as soon as he’s called out on something I don’t agree with. My feelings get squashed. 

How old is your son? Yes, please move closer to your family. Leave this guy in the dust. There’s nothing here worth salvaging and every reason to expect better. 

Starting over may be challenging but it’s a cakewalk in comparison to living with exceedingly poor company.

 

[FraniMar22]

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

How old is your son? Yes, please move closer to your family. Leave this guy in the dust. There’s nothing here worth salvaging and every reason to expect better. 

Starting over may be challenging but it’s a cakewalk in comparison to living with exceedingly poor company.

 

My son is 24 and having some emotional issues that I could surely be helping him with.  My father is up in age and I barely get to see him.  

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, FraniMar22 said:

My son is 24 and having some emotional issues that I could surely be helping him with.  My father is up in age and I barely get to see him.  

Move in with your father or find a place to live close to him and your son.  

You've known for a long, long time this relationship isn't going to work out.  Don't try to escape from life's issues by getting yourself into an even worse situation.

And you'll be amazed at how your anxiety trickles down to almost nothing once you get yourself out of this toxic relationship.

See my signature line below.  They are all true!

[HeartGoesOn]

I think it's high time to remove yourself from this state of denial, beginning with raising your value.  That in itself  can do wonders for your self-esteem.

Keep in mind that the more chances you give someone, the less respect they'll have for you.  They're not afraid of losing you because no matter what, you won't walk away.  In other words, never let a person get comfortable with disrespecting you.

In short, it's time to send him packing, and move forward.  You can do this.

[Rose Mosse]

4 hours ago, FraniMar22 said:

My son is 24 and having some emotional issues that I could surely be helping him with.  My father is up in age and I barely get to see him.  

Would your father be open to you staying with him? If not try looking for housing close by. Does your son live alone or with your father? 

I’d be concerned that you are moving from taking care of one incapacitated man (this person you’re living with) and jumping into another caretaking role without addressing any of your emotional needs or mental health. Find support close by if you move and speak to your doctors. Cultivate friendships in your community. Stay strong and keep posting if it helps.

[SooSad33]

12 hours ago, FraniMar22 said:

That’s a good question.  I’m so tired of starting over.  I don’t think I know what true love and happiness is so I keep working at something hoping it will change.  I’m so full of anxiety it’s affecting my physical health as well. 

Okay then you get out of this and do not get involved again for a good while.

You're now full of anxiety & it's affecting your physical health as well 😕 .

You need some serious down time to heal and feel okay again...

Someday, I believe you will find true love & happiness. Not everyone's a liar.

And if this has been going on for a while, then you've stayed around way too long.

 

[HungryGhost]

I am in a similar situation. I have been living with my boyfriend in a city where the housing market is out of control and we just broke up. It's not easy, but I found a new place to live with a roommate in the same neighborhood for about the same price. I will have to pay double rent for a month and get rid of some furniture. I don't love having to do it, but I know it's what I need to do. You can do it too.

Is there any compelling reason to stay in the city where your bf lives? Do you have a job there?

[FraniMar22]

14 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Would your father be open to you staying with him? If not try looking for housing close by. Does your son live alone or with your father?

I'm not really interested in living with my father.  He's very self sufficient but also very judgmental and controlling.  Not a good fit for me right now.  My son just moved into his own place, his first time on his own.  I'd rather not upset his space.  

[FraniMar22]

13 hours ago, HungryGhost said:

Is there any compelling reason to stay in the city where your bf lives? Do you have a job there?

Not at all.  I moved here to be with him, an hour away from where I'm from.  I've worked at home for 20+ years, so I can live wherever I want.

[FraniMar22]

So, I let loose on him yesterday, couldn't even control my crying.  He said he was sorry for what happened and that he stressed me out so bad.  I told him there must be something missing in our relationship that he needs to get attention elsewhere.  He said he loves me, loves everything about "us".   When I wanted to take the conversation further and ask questions, he was resistant and just wanted to let it go.  It was late and I didn't want to get into another big showdown, but I can't let this go.  He needs to provide answers to me, whether he likes it or not.  I don't trust him now.  I don't know if I'll ever trust him again.   I'm not even sure if he's fooling me with apologies.  

[Jibralta]

18 minutes ago, FraniMar22 said:

I'm not even sure if he's fooling me with apologies.

If you believe his apologies, he is fooling you.

He has been lying to you for five years. That is proof that his apologies have never been genuine.

22 minutes ago, FraniMar22 said:

He needs to provide answers to me, whether he likes it or not.

No, he doesn't. Why are you trying to negotiate with him? He does not play fair.

Leave this. Walk away. It's a total loss. Don't waste another second of your precious time on him.

[FraniMar22]

4 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

No, he doesn't. Why are you trying to negotiate with him? He does not play fair.

He definitely doesn't play fair.  But, I want to see him as uncomfortable as possible confessing to my face what has been going on while he's been professing his undying love for me and making a fool of me.   

[Jibralta]

18 minutes ago, FraniMar22 said:

I want to see him as uncomfortable as possible confessing to my face what has been going on while he's been professing his undying love for me and making a fool of me.

You've already seen that, though:

50 minutes ago, FraniMar22 said:

When I wanted to take the conversation further and ask questions, he was resistant and just wanted to let it go.

On 3/5/2022 at 9:32 PM, FraniMar22 said:

He immediately shut the messages off and refused to show me any more. Now he said he won’t stay in a relationship where he’s not trusted and constantly being accused of something.

That's it. That's all you're going to get. Has it been satisfying? No.

What you don't realize is that he doesn't care. He just wants to keep you on the hook because he's a petty, power-hungry wanker. And you're playing right into his hands by participating in the power struggle.

You can't win at this competition. You don't understand the nature of a person like this. You lose over and over again because you think that he's like you. He's not like you. That's what you have to realize. 

The only way you can win here is to walk away once and for all. It's a bitter victory now that you've sunk all of these years into him, but it can be even worse.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, FraniMar22 said:

He needs to provide answers to me, whether he likes it or not.  I don't trust him now. 

Unfortunately cheaters cheat and liars lie so it's unlikely you'll get straight answers from him.

[Blue_Skirt]

2 hours ago, FraniMar22 said:

He needs to provide answers to me, whether he likes it or not.

Well, he doesn’t. You can’t control his actions and you can’t make him do things, and he would tell you lies anyway.

YOU however have all the control over YOUR actions, and the action I would take is leave this guy.

[Rose Mosse]

2 hours ago, FraniMar22 said:

He definitely doesn't play fair.  But, I want to see him as uncomfortable as possible confessing to my face what has been going on while he's been professing his undying love for me and making a fool of me.   

Sadly that’s what keeps you here and locked in this dysfunction. If you go back and reread the first two sentences of your very first post you’ve been trapping yourself in this need for evidence and proofing and explanation from him since your first suspicions. 

The only person who can release you from this is you. You haven’t quite understood this yet. Time is ticking and life is slipping by while you try to gain proof and prove someone who is not worth your while wrong. 

Instead of spending the time doing this, I would make an effort to move in the other direction and challenge yourself to do something differently. What you’ve been doing is not working.

[boltnrun]

Are you hoping to salvage this relationship?

[FraniMar22]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Are you hoping to salvage this relationship?

I honesty don't think I can get past this.   And, the fact that he thinks a hug and a sorry make it all better is disturbing.  How can I ever trust him again?  Quite frankly, I think I've just hit the tip of the iceberg here.  I'm sure there's a whole lot more.

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, FraniMar22 said:

I honesty don't think I can get past this.   And, the fact that he thinks a hug and a sorry make it all better is disturbing.  How can I ever trust him again?  Quite frankly, I think I've just hit the tip of the iceberg here.  I'm sure there's a whole lot more.

Then I recommend working on a plan to get out. You don't have to rush as he's not being abusive or frightening you. You could look into housing closer to your dad and son. 

He will probably try to get you to stay for who knows what reason. But just know he's untrustworthy. If you choose to stay with him you're giving him tacit approval to continue with his cheating behaviors and deceit. He'll know you want him so badly you'll accept being disrespected and lied to. Prove him wrong.

[Wiseman2]

On 3/6/2022 at 5:45 AM, FraniMar22 said:

I moved an hour away from my son and my family to be with this man.  I need to get back to where I have people who truly care about me. 

Agree. Its' time to rearrange your life around people you can trust, rely on and feel close to.

Why not start looking for places where you are from (or wherever) so you can put this chapter behind you and start to be free to date men who are not this seedy and untrustworthy?

The sooner you are away from this toxic situation the sooner you'll feel better. Enjoy your son's adulthood and friends and family.

[FraniMar22]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The sooner you are away from this toxic situation the sooner you'll feel better. Enjoy your son's adulthood and friends and family.

I agree.  I miss them terribly.

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, FraniMar22 said:

But, I want to see him as uncomfortable as possible confessing to my face what has been going on

Honey, that's never going to happen. 

He doesn't care enough about you to feel that uncomfortable, because if he did, he'd never lie and cheat in the first place. 

Stop wasting your time trying to demand answers where you're never going to get them. 

[FraniMar22]

There's one other thing I wanted to mention.  We met on the Plenty of Fish dating app.  After we decided to be exclusive, we both supposedly deleted our profiles.  The other thing I saw in his email were tons of emails from this dating site with new matches for him.  He swears he's not on there, hasn't been in a very long time.  He showed me his phone and showed me the apps on it.  I'm thinking there's a way that people hide apps on their phone.  Does anyone know if this is possible?  Just me digging deeper into this wool that's been pulled over my eyes.

[boltnrun]

Just now, FraniMar22 said:

There's one other thing I wanted to mention.  We met on the Plenty of Fish dating app.  After we decided to be exclusive, we both supposedly deleted our profiles.  The other thing I saw in his email were tons of emails from this dating site with new matches for him.  He swears he's not on there, hasn't been in a very long time.  He showed me his phone and showed me the apps on it.  I'm thinking there's a way that people hide apps on their phone.  Does anyone know if this is possible?  Just me digging deeper into this wool that's been pulled over my eyes.

This is completely unimportant.

This isn't a court trial where you're trying to gather evidence to present to a jury. You already know he lies, is untrustworthy and doesn't care if he hurts you.

The only relevant thing to focus on is the logistics involved in moving out. You don't need anyone's permission or any additional "proof" in order to end this toxic relationship.

Oh, and don't waste your time presenting him with anything either. He'll just deflect, deny and give you insincere "apologies", then continue with what he's doing because he would know you'll just stay anyway because you "love him". Again, prove him wrong by gathering your self esteem and leaving him.

[DancingFool]

Just now, FraniMar22 said:

There's one other thing I wanted to mention.  We met on the Plenty of Fish dating app.  After we decided to be exclusive, we both supposedly deleted our profiles.  The other thing I saw in his email were tons of emails from this dating site with new matches for him.  He swears he's not on there, hasn't been in a very long time.  He showed me his phone and showed me the apps on it.  I'm thinking there's a way that people hide apps on their phone.  Does anyone know if this is possible?  Just me digging deeper into this wool that's been pulled over my eyes.

Oh for the love of.....STOP playing detective and face reality - you are dating a cheating, lying pos. What more do you need to dump him?

Stop fixating on how he is effing you around and start focusing on what will actually improve your life - finding your own place and removing this loser from your life.

Like seriously....what are you clinging on to here? How many years have you wasted in this pattern of he lies, you catch him, he gives you a hug and tells you he cares, you demand answers, he stonewalls you, and you ....well...you back off and stay. Rinse and repeat. How much more of your precious life are you wanting to waste on this?

Look, you need to pull up your big girl panties and make a decision - either you are so desperate to be with a man that you will turn a blind eye to what a lying, cheating pos he is, in which case you stop policing him and start smiling and pretending all is amazing with you two OR you dump him and move on with your life. Realize that you can be just fine without a man. Decide and live accordingly.