Boyfriend not speaking to me. What should I do?

[HungryGhost]

Hi all,

I am seeking insight about my relationship and what I should do. I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years, living together for one. We are both close to 40 years old. Things have been mostly good. We have the occasional argument, and some varying lifestyle choices, but for the most part we have been on the same page and getting along.

There have been a handful of times when he has done things or said things that make me think he wants to break up. But he has never actually said he wants to break up, and we have always carried on.

Fast forward to last Friday. It started out like a completely normal day. He was sleeping in my bed with me (a thing that he famously stops doing whenever something is amiss). I went off to work but immediately came home to work remotely because my workplace was closed due to a storm. At lunch time, he struck up a conversation with me about technology and how it’s rapidly changing the world and making jobs obsolete. A little background: he is a college student in an I.T. program. I have been in the midst of a career crisis ever since a very disastrous job that I left three years ago. Ever since, I have been trying to find my way again and figure out what I want to do. So, my mind immediately went to what a more technological world would mean for me, and I started asking questions with regard to my current job, and what role there may be for me in a world where technology has replaced many of the jobs we have now. He responded by snapping at me, and I went to another room and closed the door. We didn’t speak at all for a day and a half.

This morning, I couldn’t stand it anymore and finally went and knocked on his door (where he sleeps when he can’t bear the thought of sleeping with me). He opened it and immediately hugged me for a while. I asked if I could tell him my side of what happened. He said of course. I got an apology for hurting my feelings, which was all I wanted along with being on speaking terms again. However, things devolved and he ended up saying that he has nothing more to give, and he just wants to be left alone. I asked if we’re ok, and he said he didn’t know. I asked if I could hug him, and he said, “If you must,” which means no. We haven’t spoken for the rest of the day today.

I realize he was just trying to have a fun conversation, but I am terrified about my future and already feeling obsolete so the panic just took me over. I explained this to him. It seems so stupid that just being on different wavelengths for one conversation would cause such a huge breakdown in communication and potentially a breakup. I called two people about it today, who said completely different things. One said to just give it a few days because sometimes these things take time to dissolve, and maybe my bf is having a moody day. To be honest, there have been quite a few days when I told myself that maybe he’s just having a bad day and I should cut him some slack. The other person has been encouraging me for some time to just move out and move on. However, there is an added complication. The city where I live is in the midst of a terrible housing crisis. It’s virtually impossible to find a place to live. To live on my own again would be WAY out of my price range even if I was able to secure an apartment, so my only other option would be to find a roommate who is a total stranger but willing to accept me over everyone else who is looking for housing here. It's pretty grim out there.

What are your thoughts? What’s going on? What should I do? Any good Netflix recommendations while I hole up in my bedroom alone with the door closed?

Thank you.

[Batya33]

If you won the lottery today would you stay or would you go? Or someone offered you a free furnished apartment plus living expenses for the next year? I mean sure he could have a mental illness/anger disorder given the overreaction you describe but hmmm is there more to the story?

Was this kinda a last straw sort of thing where your comment was cumulative and just pushed him over the edge?  Like you immediately turned the conversation to yourself and your hypothetical self really -you are unemployed and you immediately jump to "how will this affect ME in my job search?"  And since you've been in a "career crisis" and looking for three years - is it possible he's fed up with your trying to find yourself and not contributing financially or enough financially?

That your comment was part of the general musing you do as opposed to boots on the ground, pounding the pavement to find a job, perhaps, to pay your bills while spending free time considering what you "really" want to do.  Three years is a darn long time especially since he's working hard on an IT program.  I'm speculating.  No the toddler level silent treatment is uncalled for,  Full stop.  And at the same time maybe he's at the end of his rope and maybe there's more to the story? Is there?

Many years ago I spent over a year finding the right job with which to reenter working outside the home after 7 years working inside the home raising my child.  I shared my job search with a close friend who also was in the middle of a job search -but full time as opposed to my part time.  She shared her search too.  Similar field . She over the years had become negative and had harsh uncalled for comments that were wearing on me.  I finally got the job I really wanted.  I was so excited. 

I shared with her that it was going to be challenging to find the right kind of after school child care for my son given the schedule I would have and somehwat unpredictable hours.  She said glibly (she had no children) "I don't understand -most of my friends with kids work full time and their kids are in daycare or they have a nanny and they don't have issues finding child care." 

That was the last straw.  That's when I was DONE.  That's when I started distancing myself.  It was also the way she said it, but it was cumulative.  She was still looking but in a different state than me and full time not part time meaning she wouldn't have wanted my type of job anyway.

Perhaps the same with your partner -last straw, he's had it, he should break up but he's concerned about putting you out on the street? 

[Lambert]

I was once in a long term relationship with a guy that used silence and anger as his method of communicating.

You really need to think about if this is good enough for you. 

I look back and on those times and I regret not dumping him sooner. 

At 40, this is him, as a partner. as a communicator and your future. his treatment of you is conditioning you to discount your own needs, own opinions, manipulating you. 

This is mind-effing abuse here:

1 hour ago, HungryGhost said:

He opened it and immediately hugged me for a while

 

 

1 hour ago, HungryGhost said:

“If you must,”

^^^^And this! Are you kidding me! This is an awful thing to say and way to treat someone you supposedly love.  Who is he? the king? 

It's a shame about the housing but it sounds like you need to make some decisions about your life. What you're willing to accept and how you are going to get yourself into a position where you can stand on your own. 

What you do not change you are accepting... he's not going to change.  He's not going to be this great understanding guy. He's a big baby that pouts and emotionally abuses you but justifies it by blaming you. 

[HungryGhost]

Thanks for the responses so far. Comments below.

[HungryGhost]

43 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

If you won the lottery today would you stay or would you go? Or someone offered you a free furnished apartment plus living expenses for the next year? I mean sure he could have a mental illness/anger disorder given the overreaction you describe but hmmm is there more to the story?

Oh my. It’s tough to imagine a lottery win or a free apartment. In either case, I can’t imagine just up and leaving. I would want to at least try to work this out first and only leave as a last resort. I do love this person. You’re right, he has both a mental illness and anger issues.

Was this kinda a last straw sort of thing where your comment was cumulative and just pushed him over the edge?  Like you immediately turned the conversation to yourself and your hypothetical self really -you are unemployed and you immediately jump to "how will this affect ME in my job search?"  And since you've been in a "career crisis" and looking for three years - is it possible he's fed up with your trying to find yourself and not contributing financially or enough financially?

You may be onto something here. He has mentioned that I tend to dwell on the negative. In terms of finances though, no. We split everything 50/50. I’m actually the high earner in the household right now.

That your comment was part of the general musing you do as opposed to boots on the ground, pounding the pavement to find a job, perhaps, to pay your bills while spending free time considering what you "really" want to do.  Three years is a darn long time especially since he's working hard on an IT program.  I'm speculating.  No the toddler level silent treatment is uncalled for,  Full stop.  And at the same time maybe he's at the end of his rope and maybe there's more to the story? Is there?

Yes, three years is a long time for a job search. He has commented to me about the boots-on-the-pavement concept but I also question whether he believes how hard I have been working. I re-started my work journey in an entry-level job three years ago, applying constantly for better jobs but not landing them. I managed to move up one level, but I can’t seem to get past that. During the first Covid lockdown in my city, I came dangerously close to being laid off. I landed my current job just in time, which was a parallel move from the previous one. It’s been a really rough go, and I’m finally now in a spot that may not be my dream job but it’s pleasant, permanent and comfortable. I have been really needing to just have that for a while after everything I’ve been through. I have also been taking career counselling and courses to try to figure out what I want. I also just got wind of some potential new opportunities where I currently work, so it’s possible I will be able to move up there. It’s just been a really long, hard road and it’s not over.

Agreed, the toddler behavior is pretty unacceptable, and difficult to tolerate from a 40-year old. I can't make any excuses for that. Though, to be fair, there are also times when I distance myself and he comes to me to talk it out.

Many years ago I spent over a year finding the right job with which to reenter working outside the home after 7 years working inside the home raising my child.  I shared my job search with a close friend who also was in the middle of a job search -but full time as opposed to my part time.  She shared her search too.  Similar field . She over the years had become negative and had harsh uncalled for comments that were wearing on me.  I finally got the job I really wanted.  I was so excited. 

I shared with her that it was going to be challenging to find the right kind of after school child care for my son given the schedule I would have and somehwat unpredictable hours.  She said glibly (she had no children) "I don't understand -most of my friends with kids work full time and their kids are in daycare or they have a nanny and they don't have issues finding child care." 

That was the last straw.  That's when I was DONE.  That's when I started distancing myself.  It was also the way she said it, but it was cumulative.  She was still looking but in a different state than me and full time not part time meaning she wouldn't have wanted my type of job anyway.

Perhaps the same with your partner -last straw, he's had it, he should break up but he's concerned about putting you out on the street? 

Maybe. I have also wondered if he’s keeping me around because I’m very much a “looks good on paper” kind of a person. I get the impression that I’m in a completely different league than the girlfriends he has had before. So maybe he likes the idea of me and that’s what he’s hanging onto? It wouldn’t be the first time I have experienced that.

Also, his angry outbursts have been a really regular thing. There would be a “last straw” for that too. It’s very damaging to experience.

 

[HungryGhost]

11 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I was once in a long term relationship with a guy that used silence and anger as his method of communicating.

How long were you with him? How did it end?

You really need to think about if this is good enough for you. 

I look back and on those times and I regret not dumping him sooner. 

At 40, this is him, as a partner. as a communicator and your future. his treatment of you is conditioning you to discount your own needs, own opinions, manipulating you. 

This is mind-effing abuse here:

 

 

^^^^And this! Are you kidding me! This is an awful thing to say and way to treat someone you supposedly love.  Who is he? the king? 

Indeed I am not kidding. That really happened to me today. When he said "If you must," I said "I'll take that as a no," and left the room. That's the last interaction we have had.

It's a shame about the housing but it sounds like you need to make some decisions about your life. What you're willing to accept and how you are going to get yourself into a position where you can stand on your own. 

What you do not change you are accepting... he's not going to change.  He's not going to be this great understanding guy. He's a big baby that pouts and emotionally abuses you but justifies it by blaming you. 

You sound a lot like my bestie. She is the one who advises me to just leave. I always take that advice with a grain of salt though, because it seems like people are sometimes TOO quick to suggest that, and I don't believe in leaving without giving it a chance. Also, she has never met him because she lives far away.

Also, I'm not perfect. I know I have baggage.

 

[HungryGhost]

Also, does anyone have advice on how to coexist in a shared living space with someone who won't even speak to me? We have to cross paths sometimes. 😟

[Batya33]

If you have a job -I didn't realize that -try to cut corners and save some $ and move out. With a roommate if needed.  What you describe should be intolerable to you.  

[HungryGhost]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

If you have a job -I didn't realize that -try to cut corners and save some $ and move out. With a roommate if needed.  What you describe should be intolerable to you.  

Here is where I am most powerless. I had been doing just that in the apartment where Iived before. I cut everything I could. And still the rent kept going up and up and up. Next I was going to have to cut nutrition. Then I would have had to use my savings to pay my monthly bills. Bachelor suites are going for well over $1000, and you're lucky if it includes any utilities.

It would have to be a roommate situation, but with that you really don't know what you're getting. I could run into the same thing I have now, or worse.

[smackie9]

Sorry but this needs to be over. He is stonewalling you, which is his way of punishing you, holding you emotionally hostage. That's toxic. He's a total jerk and that should never be tolerated. Do whatever you can to get out and move out. Ask, a friend or family member, or even a coworker for help. If you have to put your stuff into storage, and sleep on someones couch then so be it. At least you will feel great relief that he is not longer treating you like garbage.

[Lambert]

@HungryGhost

I was with him for 5 years.  It ended because I started to realized a few things.  

-his anger, temper, miserable attitude only got worse. It never got better. At times he could be sorry but it never changed anything for the next time

-i started to love him less. I started to realize I didn't respect him.

-I started to realize in the relationship, I made him look good. I took good care of him. I tried to fight fairly. It was me that made him special 

-I realized I wanted more but he was never going to be more.  He didn't see any need to change or grow as a person. And he thought my attempts to do so were stupid. Once he laughed right at me when I said I thought I could make vice president at my firm.  mind you, all these years later (maybe 10 years) I am COO.

I understand what you mean about wanting to work it out.  I tried.  it took a year to really break up.  I tried. I talked and explained and suggested till I was blue.  He never did.  And it still kinda irks me because he owed me better. I deserved better. I know it's not about owing your partner.  but he did. I deserved better from him.

-most of our friends, at that time thought I was being dramatic or whatever and I did distance myself from many of them. After a few years many people told me, you were right.  He only cares about himself. 

-the morale of my story? You can't wait for anyone to do anything/change. You have stand for yourself. 

As for advice on dealing with him in a shared space? Turn the tables on a bully. Do not cower. You take up space, air. noise... flip the script and give whatever he does right back at him.

Use this as motivation to get yourself out of this situation. Stop feeling weak, sad or scared. Be strong and do whatever it takes.

This is your life. You fix you. If he changes or steps up, he will. playing Miss Nice will not do anything but keep you in the same situation. 

[boltnrun]

48 minutes ago, HungryGhost said:

it seems like people are sometimes TOO quick to suggest that, and I don't believe in leaving without giving it a chance.

So this is the very first time you two have had this kind of issue?

I got the impression this is not at all the first time based on this:

59 minutes ago, HungryGhost said:

his angry outbursts have been a really regular thing.

So this is not the first time. So your argument that you should not leave without giving things a chance doesn't apply here. It seems you've tried "giving it a chance" more than once already. It would not be "too quick".

You've mentioned the housing issues a few times. I get the impression this is your primary concern.

I can tell you what I did when my husband pulled the silent treatment on me more than once. I divorced him. No, not after the first incident, but when I saw it was a pattern. I'm not going to live with someone who pretends I don't exist, especially someone with whom I exchanged wedding vows and who had claimed to love me. I didn't have money either plus I was a mother but I made it work. 

I would recommend moving in with family, or ask a friend if you can rent a bedroom until you can save up for your own place.

[HungryGhost]

Thanks, everybody. Your posts are very helpful. Even if we get back to some normalcy, you have planted the seed for me to give myself permission to move on.

I will regularly check the apartment listings, and maybe I can ask my current landlord to join the waiting list for a bachelor suite. It would be ridiculously expensive in this market, but also a family member did offer to help me out with rent if I need it. I hate the idea of taking help, but it's a step in the right direction if it comes to it. 

[MissCanuck]

This guy is toxic, OP. 

People are seeing what you don't want to see. Hence this bizarre comment from you:

4 hours ago, HungryGhost said:

it seems like people are sometimes TOO quick to suggest that, and I don't believe in leaving without giving it a chance.

Is he giving it a chance? Because it doesn't sound like it. He is emotionally abusive to you and you jump through hoops to please him. Clearly, this is not the first time he has stone-walled and manipulated you. Your wording makes it very obvious this is a pattern and you have been pandering to him for way too long. He behaves like a petulant teenager, not a grown man. 

It's time for this to be over, so I do hope you are serious about finding alternate accommodations. You will be so much better without him in your life. 

[1a1a]

This reminds me of when I was dating the one that I thought was meant to be The one (the one shouldn’t make you feel so lonely though). 
 

Towards the end of our relationship, one day we had an awkward discussion with no resolution and suddenly he just left, didn’t say goodbye. I realised he wasn’t in the house, looked outside, could see him walking down the street. I ran after him, around the block to the main road. I reached it just in time to see him alighting onto a bus before it whisked him away (like something in a movie). He didn’t talk to me for another 10 days! 
 

After which we tried to come back together but a lot of damage had been done and that radio silence made it worse. 
 

I will never, ever date someone who uses the silent treatment to express their upset again. I’m not saying they can’t be upset with me, but that is a wretched, wretched way to communicate it. Never again. 

[Blue_Skirt]

Here is another person with the advice that you leave this situation. What do you get out of this relationship? Why do you have to make this specific relationship work after all you have written here? You are not married with him, you have no children with him, so why stay together? Would you not be better off without this man? He is almost 40, he is who he is and he is not going to change. What you see is what you get. This is what your future is going to look like when you stay. How does that sound to you? Is it just the financial aspect that makes you stay with him?

You say you love him, but then a few posts later you ask whether we have advice on “how to coexist in a shared living space with someone who won't even speak to me”. And you call that love? How can a roommate situation be worse than this?

I suppose you currently live in a rented space. Are both your names on the lease? Or only his? You say you split all the costs 50 / 50, so I guess you also split the rent and utilities 50 / 50. A bachelor suite is going well over $1000 you mention, so this is what I would advise you to do.

You need to find the financial resources for the difference between the costs of a bachelor suite and utilities and your 50% share in the current rent and utilities and only you know how much money that is. Can you find a small job on the side?

I would definitely look into cutting expenses. Monitor your expenses for a month. Write down all the expenses you have, every single $ you spend. Then analyse your spending habits. Stop drinking the coffees to go (not saying you do, but I hope you get the idea), cook your own meals, buy certain items, that you need throughout the year anyway, only when there is a special offer/when you have a coupon. Review your monthly subscriptions, etc. etc. etc.. Then make a budget for yourself and follow through and don’t spend more.

10 hours ago, HungryGhost said:

Any good Netflix recommendations while I hole up in my bedroom alone with the door closed?

Yes, and I am going to be very blunt, not to be rude, but to wake you up: Cancel the Netflix subscription. If you have time to watch Netflix, you have time to find a side job.

Keep posting!

 

 

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, HungryGhost said:

t would have to be a roommate situation, but with that you really don't know what you're getting. I could run into the same thing I have now, or worse.

Given your situation that's a bit of a cop out no?  No one knows what they are getting with a roommate.  That's why you do your research and in the event it doesn't work out, that's life.  It would not be worse because you'd be acting like an independent adult and a person of integrity instead of lying to yourself and choosing financial dependence in an unhealthy relationship over treating yourself with respect and consistent with your (forgotten?) values. Then you can save up to get your own place after awhile.  

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, HungryGhost said:

Thanks, everybody. Your posts are very helpful. Even if we get back to some normalcy, you have planted the seed for me to give myself permission to move on.

I will regularly check the apartment listings, and maybe I can ask my current landlord to join the waiting list for a bachelor suite. It would be ridiculously expensive in this market, but also a family member did offer to help me out with rent if I need it. I hate the idea of taking help, but it's a step in the right direction if it comes to it. 

Time to stop with maybes and "try".  Do it. You will thank yourself later and thank yourself silently for every affirmative baby step you take.

[DancingFool]

Team leave him here.

I'm sorry OP, but he is emotionally abusive and manipulative and that will never get better, but it tends to get worse over time. You talk about giving things a chance, but this isn't the first time he's pulled this garbage right? So how many chances are we talking about here? When do you say it's enough? The more chances you give, the less he respects you and the more abusive he'll become.

My impression is that you are in fact trapped financially and that might be hard and painful to admit. However, the day that you do, you will perhaps start looking at your work situation differently - it's not enough. If you can't live and pay your bills, then this job is not the right job, no matter how peaceful. You are paying for that peace at work, with abuse and suffering at home.

If you are living in an area where rents are out of control and pay isn't matching living costs, then maybe it's time to look completely outside of the area. Where can you move to where you can make decent money and live normally? Maybe, by necessity, you have to think broader. Or maybe you have to rethink your work track yet again.

As for how to live with someone like this while you get yourself sorted out. It's both simple and difficult - you stop caring about his behavior and stop coming to him to apologize and seek comfort from the very person who is harming you.

How "nice" of him to give you a hug and then....pull back and turn things back on you. This is what emotional abuse looks like. So how do you respond to that? You don't. You go to work, you start going through housing ads, you find some roommate matching agencies and go interview, you start asking people in real life if someone knows someone who might want a roommate. You do not reward him by knocking on his door, by breaking the ice, by apologizing - he gets off on that and he will never stop playing this game. You have to learn to shrug it off and just go about your day like he isn't there. Let him come to you for change and if doesn't, oh well. This relationship isn't sustainable anyway.

[HungryGhost]

Thanks, everybody. After another day of angry outbursts and being ignored, I have decided to leave. I searched the apartment ads and e-mailed two already. Right after I post on here, I will send a message to my close friends in the city and let them know what's happening and that I need housing urgently. I'm in a lease until December, but if I can secure something for March 1, I will give him a month's notice and pay double rent for a month. It seems reasonable under the circumstances. 

[HungryGhost]

15 hours ago, 1a1a said:

This reminds me of when I was dating the one that I thought was meant to be The one (the one shouldn’t make you feel so lonely though). 
 

Towards the end of our relationship, one day we had an awkward discussion with no resolution and suddenly he just left, didn’t say goodbye. I realised he wasn’t in the house, looked outside, could see him walking down the street. I ran after him, around the block to the main road. I reached it just in time to see him alighting onto a bus before it whisked him away (like something in a movie). He didn’t talk to me for another 10 days! 
 

After which we tried to come back together but a lot of damage had been done and that radio silence made it worse. 
 

I will never, ever date someone who uses the silent treatment to express their upset again. I’m not saying they can’t be upset with me, but that is a wretched, wretched way to communicate it. Never again. 

This is a lot like my bf/ex's behavior. He walks away from me constantly, which he knows hurts me deeply but he still does it. My worst breakup to date involved the silent treatment for two weeks before he finally ended it. It was the absolute WORST. I also cannot tolerate silent treatment. I doubt anyone can.

[HungryGhost]

14 hours ago, Blue_Skirt said:

Here is another person with the advice that you leave this situation. What do you get out of this relationship? Why do you have to make this specific relationship work after all you have written here? You are not married with him, you have no children with him, so why stay together? Would you not be better off without this man? He is almost 40, he is who he is and he is not going to change. What you see is what you get. This is what your future is going to look like when you stay. How does that sound to you? Is it just the financial aspect that makes you stay with him?

No, there was a lot I liked about him. We have a lot in common. Just not enough, I guess.

You say you love him, but then a few posts later you ask whether we have advice on “how to coexist in a shared living space with someone who won't even speak to me”. And you call that love? How can a roommate situation be worse than this?

Force of habit. After this hellish weekend, I think it's safe to say I don't even like him anymore.

I suppose you currently live in a rented space. Are both your names on the lease? Or only his? You say you split all the costs 50 / 50, so I guess you also split the rent and utilities 50 / 50. A bachelor suite is going well over $1000 you mention, so this is what I would advise you to do.

Both of our names are on the lease, but I can't stick it out that long. See my first post for today, above.

You need to find the financial resources for the difference between the costs of a bachelor suite and utilities and your 50% share in the current rent and utilities and only you know how much money that is. Can you find a small job on the side?

I actually have been getting into some side work. I could definitely pursue more of that. From what I see in the apartment ads, it should be possible to find a roommate situation that is comparable, or maybe even a bachelor suite if I get really lucky.

I would definitely look into cutting expenses. Monitor your expenses for a month. Write down all the expenses you have, every single $ you spend. Then analyse your spending habits. Stop drinking the coffees to go (not saying you do, but I hope you get the idea), cook your own meals, buy certain items, that you need throughout the year anyway, only when there is a special offer/when you have a coupon. Review your monthly subscriptions, etc. etc. etc.. Then make a budget for yourself and follow through and don’t spend more.

Ah yes. I am very accustomed to this. It's pretty much a way of life for me.

Yes, and I am going to be very blunt, not to be rude, but to wake you up: Cancel the Netflix subscription. If you have time to watch Netflix, you have time to find a side job.

Don't worry, I have actually never paid Netflix a dime. If the subscription wasn't being shared with me, I wouldn't have it. I wasn't going to be productive last night anyway, because I was alone and sad and lost. That's why I came here.

Keep posting!

Will do!

 

 

 

[HungryGhost]

11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Given your situation that's a bit of a cop out no?  No one knows what they are getting with a roommate.  That's why you do your research and in the event it doesn't work out, that's life.  It would not be worse because you'd be acting like an independent adult and a person of integrity instead of lying to yourself and choosing financial dependence in an unhealthy relationship over treating yourself with respect and consistent with your (forgotten?) values. Then you can save up to get your own place after awhile.  

Point taken. Moving is always nerve-wracking, but after today I am convinced that I will be happier once I do it. This impending breakup just came on so fast I had not had time to process it.

[boltnrun]

16 minutes ago, HungryGhost said:

Thanks, everybody. After another day of angry outbursts and being ignored, I have decided to leave. I searched the apartment ads and e-mailed two already. Right after I post on here, I will send a message to my close friends in the city and let them know what's happening and that I need housing urgently. I'm in a lease until December, but if I can secure something for March 1, I will give him a month's notice and pay double rent for a month. It seems reasonable under the circumstances. 

Maybe he's hoping you will leave.

Some people are cowards. They don't want to be the "bad guy" so they act so horribly that it forces you to leave. Then he can say you left him. 

But really, who cares? You'll be free of his terrible treatment of you. You may be surprised how liberating it is to no longer have to tiptoe around in your own home.

[HungryGhost]

6 hours ago, DancingFool said:

Team leave him here.

I'm sorry OP, but he is emotionally abusive and manipulative and that will never get better, but it tends to get worse over time. You talk about giving things a chance, but this isn't the first time he's pulled this garbage right? So how many chances are we talking about here? When do you say it's enough? The more chances you give, the less he respects you and the more abusive he'll become.

My impression is that you are in fact trapped financially and that might be hard and painful to admit. However, the day that you do, you will perhaps start looking at your work situation differently - it's not enough. If you can't live and pay your bills, then this job is not the right job, no matter how peaceful. You are paying for that peace at work, with abuse and suffering at home.

If you are living in an area where rents are out of control and pay isn't matching living costs, then maybe it's time to look completely outside of the area. Where can you move to where you can make decent money and live normally? Maybe, by necessity, you have to think broader. Or maybe you have to rethink your work track yet again.

Yeah, I have been considering all of that. Covid REALLY affected things here. I have been contemplating moving back home where I'm from. I'm not sure what there would be for me there anymore, but it is cheaper to live there and at least my family would be nearby. I do miss that sometimes.

As for how to live with someone like this while you get yourself sorted out. It's both simple and difficult - you stop caring about his behavior and stop coming to him to apologize and seek comfort from the very person who is harming you.

Consider it done. I'm just going to stop trying to engage, and spend as much time away from the apartment as I possibly can. Then when I have things arranged, I will tell him I'm moving out and then go to someone's couch or a hotel until I can move into the new place. If I give a month's notice, that's a full month I have to get packing done and movers booked.

How "nice" of him to give you a hug and then....pull back and turn things back on you. This is what emotional abuse looks like. So how do you respond to that? You don't. You go to work, you start going through housing ads, you find some roommate matching agencies and go interview, you start asking people in real life if someone knows someone who might want a roommate. You do not reward him by knocking on his door, by breaking the ice, by apologizing - he gets off on that and he will never stop playing this game. You have to learn to shrug it off and just go about your day like he isn't there. Let him come to you for change and if doesn't, oh well. This relationship isn't sustainable anyway.

I'm way ahead of you. I don't even want him to come to me anymore. I'm so done.