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Boyfriend not speaking to me. What should I do?


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5 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@HungryGhost just do as advised by the lawyer. Tell your ex that it's his time to find someone else and then it won't be responsibility. I do think you should pay that admin fee since you're the one breaking/changing the lease. Just take it as a cost to leave. You'll be free in the long run and that's what matters.

I agree. If you had the money to pay for an Air BnB you have the admin fee money. Worth it to get free of that toxic guy.

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38 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I agree. If you had the money to pay for an Air BnB you have the admin fee money. Worth it to get free of that toxic guy.

It just seems like I should not be the one responsible for the fees as both the incoming roommate and the outgoing roommate. If the cost is being passed onto me in the new situation while the existing residents don't have to pay even though they are the ones who decided to change the lease there, why should I be the one responsible for it where I'm leaving? It's the exact same concept. 

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13 minutes ago, HungryGhost said:

It just seems like...

But that's not how it works. If you want to move to the new place you'll have to pay the fees. If you want to break your current lease you'll have to pay the fees.  Jump up and down enough defying the facts at hand, and you'll get to stay with your BF.

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1 hour ago, HungryGhost said:

It just seems like I should not be the one responsible for the fees as both the incoming roommate and the outgoing roommate. If the cost is being passed onto me in the new situation while the existing residents don't have to pay even though they are the ones who decided to change the lease there, why should I be the one responsible for it where I'm leaving? It's the exact same concept. 

So decide what's more important. "Concepts" or getting the heck out of Dodge? Your peace of mind or looking for an excuse to stay?

Honestly, it looks from here like you want to have this argument with your boyfriend. Maybe you're hoping he'll ask you to stay? IDK

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CongrAts on the progress you've made! Put your priorities in order:

Number 1 goal is getting OUT safely. Skip hanging up on stuff that's irrelevant to this.

Number 2 goal is protecting your credit--so pay all expenses directly to landlords or any company with your name on their records, and do NOT go through your ex.

Skip relying on HIM to be a reasonable guy. If you could count on that, you wouldn't have problems with him.

Focusing on what's 'fair' versus what is realistic is what got you into this trouble in the first place. Keep reminding yourself of that, and stop trusting un-trust-worthy judgement.

Pay your fees, and get your azz out and safe.  

If you decide to pursue any debts from him later, file a small claim OR consider it your tuition for valuable lessons learned and move on with your life.

None of this invalidates your position. Sure, in a perfect world, you could split hairs over 'shoulds' and win the 'right' argument. But this is NOT a perfect world, and your circumstances are dangerous.

Contact your local women's shelter or domestic violence agency for an appointment with a counselor to run through your plan and create a checklist to reinforce safety. Such counselors may have resources available to help you--so test this before hanging yourself up on expenses. 

Rally people who care about you to help ensure a safe exit, including being there while you explain this to your ex and while getting your belongings out.

Stop hanging up on the small stuff. You can recover from that later. Fighting for it now could cause you unnecessary harm.

Head high, and we're all in your corner!

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Posted (edited)

Point taken. I should just focus on getting out. The double rent and fee  issue may not be a thing anymore anyway, since my application for the new place is still in limbo. So, I am back to searching again incase that falls through. Sigh.

Meanwhile, I don't really know what's going on in my ex's head, but he invited me to his graduation in June. 😒 This is awkward AF to navigate.

Edited by HungryGhost
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1 minute ago, HungryGhost said:

Point taken. I should just focus on getting out. The double rent and fee  issue may not be a thing anymore anyway, since my application for the new place is still in limbo. So, I am back to searching again incase that falls through. Sigh.

Meanwhile, I don't really know what's going on in my ex's head, but he invited me to his graduation in June. 😒 This is awkward AF to navigate.

He senses he's about to lose his whipping boy.  So he's trying the "acting nice" thing to see if it works.

See, these people don't like to go to the trouble of having to find someone new.  They know how hard it is to find someone who will accept their BS.  So once they do find someone they're too lazy to want to have to do it all over again.  Plus at least at first they have to act nice and they hate acting nice.  They don't believe anyone deserves "nice them" because, you know, everyone's an a-hole.  So they strongly dislike having to put on the nice guy act in order to lure in their next victim.

Also, he will have to find a new roomie and that's also a pain.

Forewarned is forearmed.  Beware and don't allow yourself to fall for his act, because once he has you hooked back in he'll go back to his angry, raging, silent-treatment self in no time at all.

I would make sure to have a backup plan in case this roommate situation doesn't pan out.  I wouldn't recommend a place that depends on someone else moving out in order for you to move in, UNLESS the person moving out has a job lined up in another state or something.

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6 hours ago, HungryGhost said:

 he invited me to his graduation in June. 😒This is awkward AF to navigate.

It doesn't seem like you are ready willing or able to break up or even want to move out.

You seem upset with him and panicked in a haphazard way packing bags (who knows why?) chaotic and frantic  But. Staying there nonetheless.

You never had a viable plan. Just anger and frustrations and disliking your dependency on this BF.

If one day if you do actually want to move out, you would get your ducks in a row and arrange it. Not quibble about fees and the cost of moving.

That in itself indicates that you don't really want to move. If you were as desperate as you claimed you were to move (packing domestic violence emergency bags,etc.)  a moving fee would not throw you in a tailspin.

 

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I agree with Bolt as far as the graduation invitation.  I would not respond/evade until you are all moved out.  Then I would be polite, wish him well with his attaining his degree and tell him you cannot make it that day -at that point your life/schedule is none of his business.

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10 hours ago, boltnrun said:

He senses he's about to lose his whipping boy.  So he's trying the "acting nice" thing to see if it works.

See, these people don't like to go to the trouble of having to find someone new.  They know how hard it is to find someone who will accept their BS.  So once they do find someone they're too lazy to want to have to do it all over again. 

100% 

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11 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Forewarned is forearmed.  Beware and don't allow yourself to fall for his act, because once he has you hooked back in he'll go back to his angry, raging, silent-treatment self in no time at all.

I would make sure to have a backup plan in case this roommate situation doesn't pan out.  I wouldn't recommend a place that depends on someone else moving out in order for you to move in, UNLESS the person moving out has a job lined up in another state or something.

Yeah, that's my fear. We will always be in limbo as long as we are living together and I do NOT want to have another experience of having to flee into the night because I know he will hit me if I stay there. 

The roommate transition logistics will inevitably be a factor in this move, I'm afraid. All I can afford right now is a roommate situation. I have put out a couple of feelers about other places, and one of them is for a roommate in my current building. I don't love the idea of staying in the same building as him, but it may be the easiest and quickest move, and it would get me out of sharing space with him at least. It doesn't have to be a permanent arrangement, either. Reminder: we are in the midst of a MAJOR housing crisis here. The vacancy rate is 1%. Please no more posts about how I am just trying to make excuses to be close to him. I am NOT. I need to get OUT and prime moving time is NOW. This is a university town, and by September, I will be competing with all the students who move here for school every year and I will be scr*wed.

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I agree with Bolt as far as the graduation invitation.  I would not respond/evade until you are all moved out.  Then I would be polite, wish him well with his attaining his degree and tell him you cannot make it that day -at that point your life/schedule is none of his business.

Agreed. My spidey sense is telling me to act friendly and cooperative now so that things like declining his invitation will not devolve into a huge fight that will invoke the rage. I just told him I would have to think about it. But i am not going. Why would i want to???

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40 minutes ago, HungryGhost said:

I really wish the place I already arranged would just come through and be finalized. Why oh why can't it just be finalized???!!! It would work for me!!!! Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!

What are they telling you? They should have a definite move in date. If they don't, presume they never will and plan accordingly.

I do not recommend you choose to live in the same building as your ex. Soon enough he'll be inviting you over "as friends" and next thing you know you're spending nights with him because he's being so very nice to you and Presto! Somehow back together. Bad idea.

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

What are they telling you? They should have a definite move in date. If they don't, presume they never will and plan accordingly.

I do not recommend you choose to live in the same building as your ex. Soon enough he'll be inviting you over "as friends" and next thing you know you're spending nights with him because he's being so very nice to you and Presto! Somehow back together. Bad idea.

The ONLY thing holding it up is that the current roommate won't pay her rent. They have approved my application, but they will not process it and change the lease until the account is all paid. If she doesn't pay by April, she will still be on the lease and owe April rent too and on and on until she pays. It could go on for a long time. They said I could still cancel it now with no penalty, so if i can find something else while this horror show is still going on then I could just take it instead and walk away from this mess. But so far that's not happening. 

Ick. I will not be looking to get back with him ever. I have tried that before more than once and it never works for me. I can't be friends with exes either, so it seems more likely that he would try to be my "best friend" and I would have to awkwardly reject him over and over again. 

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On 2/20/2022 at 5:58 PM, HungryGhost said:

The other person has been encouraging me for some time to just move out and move on.

Is this your hometown or somewhere you have lived a while or want to continue living?

 Since you don't like your job or the housing situation, is relocating to a better area or back home an option? 

Who is the person who urged you to leave? Did your BF throw you out or is there a reason for the panic/chaos? 

Take a deep breathe and think things out in a logical manner unless this BF gave you a certain time he wants you out by.

Edited by Wiseman2
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40 minutes ago, HungryGhost said:

The ONLY thing holding it up is that the current roommate won't pay her rent.

So there are financial troubles already with this roommate before you have even moved in.

Is there no way you can go somewhere, where you can find an affordable place just for you with no roommates?

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39 minutes ago, Blue_Skirt said:

So there are financial troubles already with this roommate before you have even moved in.

Is there no way you can go somewhere, where you can find an affordable place just for you with no roommates?

It's the outgoing roommate causing the trouble. The one who is staying there seems good.

My preference would be to live alone in my own place and I do watch for bachelor suites too, but they too are way overpriced in this housing crisis. You would be lucky to find one for less than $1000 a month in this market, and it's usually glaringly obvious why it's so cheap (way too small, no kitchen, about to be torn down, etc.) One-bedroom apartments are going for about $1300.

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Wow, it all depends on the area! I'm paying $1345 for a 450 square foot studio and a parking spot. And that's considered a great bargain where I live.

Perhaps you can advertise that you are looking to get an apartment to share with a roommate and start fresh with someone else in a new place. Instead of taking over someone else's spot.

As for your ex bothering you trying to be "friends", the easy solution is to move out, don't tell him where you moved to and then block him. No, blocking is not "harsh", "immature", "unnecessary" or "childish". It's actually a very positive thing to do for yourself, particularly with someone who rages or has a violent reaction to being dismissed.

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3 hours ago, HungryGhost said:

It's the outgoing roommate causing the trouble. The one who is staying there seems good.

My preference would be to live alone in my own place and I do watch for bachelor suites too, but they too are way overpriced in this housing crisis. You would be lucky to find one for less than $1000 a month in this market, and it's usually glaringly obvious why it's so cheap (way too small, no kitchen, about to be torn down, etc.) One-bedroom apartments are going for about $1300.

What would be too small? I lived in a small studio when I first moved out of my parents' home.  Certainly it needs to be safe/structurally sound.  

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OP, if you live in a college town, then you need to dig deeper into roommate options. This is actually to your advantage.

Around colleges, there are usually apartment complexes that cater specifically to a roommate set up where you are renting your own individual suite with shared living/kitchen and where all bills are included and you are responsible for your rent directly and individually to the landlord. In other words, your interactions with roommates are minimal at best and you do not have to share any financial responsibilities at all. You don't have to be a student and the only thing to look out for is that it's not a party complex, i.e. they have strict policies against parties and enforce quiet habitation.

Also, near colleges there are agencies that actually provide roommate matching services for students. Again, you don't have to be a student to use them. They could probably match you up with some grad or post grad students who are more mature and seeking a more quiet and mature living set up which might be ideal for you.

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9 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Wow, it all depends on the area! I'm paying $1345 for a 450 square foot studio and a parking spot. And that's considered a great bargain where I live.

Perhaps you can advertise that you are looking to get an apartment to share with a roommate and start fresh with someone else in a new place. Instead of taking over someone else's spot.

As for your ex bothering you trying to be "friends", the easy solution is to move out, don't tell him where you moved to and then block him. No, blocking is not "harsh", "immature", "unnecessary" or "childish". It's actually a very positive thing to do for yourself, particularly with someone who rages or has a violent reaction to being dismissed.

That is a bargain! Hah double that if you are living in Vancouver/ lower mainland with $1.90+ for a litre of gas.

Me personally would start sleeping on friend's couches to get out of this.

Edited by smackie9
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On 2/21/2022 at 6:27 PM, HungryGhost said:

 I will send a message to my close friends in the city and let them know what's happening and that I need housing urgently. I'm in a lease until December, but if I can secure something for March 1.

Take your time. If it's a tight housing market it's unrealistic to expect to find something in a matter of days.

That's a panic reaction rather than a cohesive well thought out plan.

This thing with the departing roommate fiasco is just jumping from the frying pan to the fire because some friend of yours is tired of hearing you complain about him so just said "leave him, move out" 

What's the hurry? Trying to secure an apartment in days in any housing market it going to land you in undesirable overpriced situations because that's how panic works.

You've dealt with this BF for a while now and ultimately you're not compatible or happy so moving is a good plan.

But last minute crisis and chaos mode is foolish unrealistic and detrimental to finding affordable appropriate housing.

Have a realistic plan with a realistic timeline. Act cordial to your BF in the meantime but get yourself organized rather than this chaotic panic.

Keep looking for better options. You're never going to find affordable appropriate housing in a huge rush.

Keep your cool. Keep looking. If there's drama such as this lastest unrealistic situation, it's a mistake to force it.

Moving is a logistical and financial situation. Get those things in order. 

Hiring movers before you're even approved for a place is putting the cart before the horse.

First keep looking. Then make sure your application etc is approved. Then make your arrangements. Then give your BF and landlord appropriate notice.

The way you are going about it now is the most expensive least logical approach.

You're not a college kid living out of a duffle bag. Use common sense. 

There's no way you can find a decent affordable place and move in within a week. Whoever advised you of this was not being realistic.

 

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On 3/18/2022 at 8:50 AM, HungryGhost said:

I need to get OUT and prime moving time is NOW. This is a university town

It sure is!! There should be significant vacancies very soon, and landlords will offer cheap rates just to fill those apartments over the summer. You don't have to concentrate on a permanent situation right now. Grab a cheap apartment for the summer. You can use the next 3 - 4 months to figure out your next steps.

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58 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

It sure is!! There should be significant vacancies very soon, and landlords will offer cheap rates just to fill those apartments over the summer. You don't have to concentrate on a permanent situation right now. Grab a cheap apartment for the summer. You can use the next 3 - 4 months to figure out your next steps.

Yeah, you don't have to absolutely love where you live.

I've lived in a few places that weren't ideal.  They were small or in a huge complex (not a fan of that) or there was no onsite laundry or the appliances were all electric (prefer a gas range and oven) or the kitchen was TINY tiny...but I needed a place to live and these places were available.

The only thing you might not want to compromise too much on is safety.  I mean, I lived in what I refer to as a "ghetto complex" for two years, but I moved in initially because I just needed an affordable place fast (moved from out of state and only had ten days to find a place, move in and start my new job oh, and I'd just had knee surgery) and I stayed an extra year because I really, really needed to buy a new car.

So basically, decide what's important...getting out asap or staying longer and having to deal with him every single day while you wait for some place that's a perfect (or close to it) fit.

You might also look into a long-term Air BnB.  Some places will rent by the month and the prices are comparable to an apartment except you wouldn't have to pay a big deposit.

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