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Boyfriend not speaking to me. What should I do?


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Hi all, 

Update: I have a place lined up, but there is ongoing drama with it. I am supposed to have it for April 1, but cross your fingers for me that I actually get the keys and the apartment is not damaged. So. Much. Drama. 

This has been the hardest apartment hunt of my life. Give me strength...

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6 minutes ago, HungryGhost said:

Hi all, 

Update: I have a place lined up, but there is ongoing drama with it. I am supposed to have it for April 1, but cross your fingers for me that I actually get the keys and the apartment is not damaged. So. Much. Drama. 

This has been the hardest apartment hunt of my life. Give me strength...

Good Luck! What kind of drama? Is this the roommate place?

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7 minutes ago, HungryGhost said:

Hi all, 

Update: I have a place lined up, but there is ongoing drama with it. I am supposed to have it for April 1, but cross your fingers for me that I actually get the keys and the apartment is not damaged. So. Much. Drama. 

This has been the hardest apartment hunt of my life. Give me strength...

Why would the apartment be damaged? 

Were you able to look into other options? This apartment doesn't seem like a great choice given you're worried about drama and damage. Kind of sounds like your current living situation.

Of course I hope something works out for you.

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2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Why would the apartment be damaged? 

Were you able to look into other options? This apartment doesn't seem like a great choice given you're worried about drama and damage. Kind of sounds like your current living situation.

Of course I hope something works out for you.

I just don't trust the outgoing roommate. She skipped out on her rent this month, and she has been alone in the apartment for a month. I kept searching, but I didn't secure anything else in time before this one finally was approved. Cross your fingers for me. I just have to make it to Friday and get keys without incurring damage debt caused by a stranger. 

In the meantime, my ex is really getting to me. I need strength to endure that too. Please talk me through this limbo. It's unbearable. 

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5 minutes ago, HungryGhost said:

In the meantime, my ex is really getting to me. I need strength to endure that too. Please talk me through this limbo. It's unbearable. 

Use every strength in your bones you have left to say no. Don't fall for the BS. He can tell you're leaving and he's pulling all his tricks and manipulation tactics on you.

Remember it's all BS to keep you for his own selfish needs. He doesn't care about yours.

Deep breaths. You'll be fine 💚

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11 minutes ago, HungryGhost said:

I just don't trust the outgoing roommate. She skipped out on her rent this month, and she has been alone in the apartment for a month. I kept searching, but I didn't secure anything else in time before this one finally was approved. Cross your fingers for me. I just have to make it to Friday and get keys without incurring damage debt caused by a stranger. 

In the meantime, my ex is really getting to me. I need strength to endure that too. Please talk me through this limbo. It's unbearable. 

You're not responsible for a former tenants issues. The landlord is responsible for suing her since her security is gone from skipping town. Don't worry about nonissues. Worry about getting your belongings moved in.

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Yeah, that's what my mother called "borrowing trouble". Worrying about what the previous tenant might or might not do is just adding to your stress and for what? For something that likely won't happen because they would be sued and also would not be able to ever secure another rental and would have trouble buying a home. It's unlikely.

As for your ex, remember you'll be out soon. And if you can't move into the rental immediately remember your original plan to rent an Air BnB. You can still do that if need be. You also said you have friends who are willing to allow you to bunk with them temporarily. You do have short term options.

Don't backslide into thinking you should just work things out with your ex. Because you know what a bad idea that is. He's thinking about himself, not you.

You can do this.

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Posted (edited)

Thanks, all. To clarify, the problem is not that my ex is being nice to me and tempting me to stay, it's that he's giving me attitude and making me feel like garbage. 

I actually am responsible for the previous tenant's damage because it's a roommate swap, I learned last week. I am supposed to give them a statement saying I accept responsibility for her damages. Even though nobody knows what she has been doing in there for the past month. So she could have trashed the place and they will be charging ME.

I really might go to a hotel for the next couple of nights if I get all my packing done. 

Edited by HungryGhost
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Just now, HungryGhost said:

Thanks, all. To clarify, the problem is not that my ex is being nice to me and tempting me to stay, it's that he's giving me attitude and making me feel like garbage. 

I actually am responsible for the previous tenant's damage because it's a roommate swap, I learned last week. I am supposed to give them a statement saying I accept responsibility for her damages. Even though nobody knows what she has been doing in there for the past month. So she could have trashed the place and they will be charging ME.

I really might go to a hotel for the next couple of nights if I get all my packing done. 

I would not sign such a document. It makes no sense for you to be responsible for someone else's damage.

Who said you had to sign? 

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2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I would not sign such a document. It makes no sense for you to be responsible for someone else's damage.

Who said you had to sign? 

The rental company says I have to send them an email saying I will take on her damages. I'm hoping that I can convince them to let me borrow the keys on Friday if they actually turn up, or else escort me to the apartment with them so I can just check and make sure it's not trashed before I agree to any such thing and pay them the rent.

My new roommate says they returned her damage deposit a few years back and damage deposits no longer apply to that lease. I am hoping they will stick with that, but it sounds like there was a recent change in management so who knows?

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7 minutes ago, HungryGhost said:

I'm hoping that I can convince them to let me borrow the keys on Friday if they actually turn up, or else escort me to the apartment with them so I can just check and make sure it's not trashed before I agree to any such thing and pay them the rent.

You have the right to not just try to convince but demand this.

Every rental property requires a walk through where you document existing damages so you aren't held financially responsible for anything that predates your tenancy. Write down any and all damage and include detailed photos. State clearly that you did not cause the damage and you will not be financially responsible for them. Make sure you keep a copy of the document you create.

Side note, why is your roommate not currently living there? Why would she leave her own home and let someone she believes might trash the place stay there alone?

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19 minutes ago, HungryGhost said:

The rental company says I have to send them an email saying I will take on her damages. I'm hoping that I can convince them to let me borrow the keys on Friday if they actually turn up, or else escort me to the apartment with them so I can just check and make sure it's not trashed before I agree to any such thing and pay them the rent.

My new roommate says they returned her damage deposit a few years back and damage deposits no longer apply to that lease. I am hoping they will stick with that, but it sounds like there was a recent change in management so who knows?

What if someone else accesses and does damage after you do your check? Please do not sign any such thing as a matter of common sense.  If this is how they operate even before you move in imagine what could happen during and after? You'll end up spending more on legal fees (and/or stomach meds...) than any savings in rent.

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My roommate is on vacation out of the country. She was supposed to be back today, but caught covid and has to self-isolate where she is.

I have a bad feeling this could still fall through. I would owe them something now, but I am hoping if the apartment is trashed I can just say no and maybe just be on the hook for one month's rent and keep looking. 

Sigh.

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If it falls through because of something the current roommate did, you absolutely do NOT owe them a penny.

I get you want to move out right away but getting into an even worse situation is not the answer. You might be tempted to move back in with your ex if things are really bad.

I personally would book a long term Air BnB or residence type hotel and keep looking. Or bunk with a friend. This situation you're describing sounds awfully sketchy.

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8 hours ago, HungryGhost said:

The rental company says I have to send them an email saying I will take on her damages. 

Jumping from the frying pan to the fire is a panic reaction. It's unclear what the hurry is and why you're jumping into this shady deal.

You claim it's a tight housing market so it's unrealistic to expect to find something decent in a few weeks.

If you earn more, and you two don't get along, why can't you ask him to leave?

All this because you knocked on his door begging for a hug? Moving won't solve your problems. You're just replacing one set of problems for another.

What's up with using the domestic violence approach to this? Packing bags etc? Was this an angle to get out of the lease?

You'll be just as miserable in this new place as you are now. You'll just have wasted a lot of money along the way.

There's still time to back out of a bad deal and use logic and common sense to find alternative housing.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Everything may turn out just fine. They assured me that when Friday comes, they can let me in the place to look around and make sure it's not damaged. If the outgoing person doesn't return the keys, I am authorized to request a lock change on that day. We are not sure how long that takes, but I do have the power to get the process started since I am on the lease as of Friday. 

I don't think this would seem as bad to me if I wasn't dealing with an abusive jerk where I currently live. Any potential obstacle seems like a huge roadblock right now. I just want Friday and keys!!!

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Be sure to document with photos any damage you see. Be very detailed. Otherwise they could try to blame you.

Side note, have you actually seen this apartment in person?

I'm glad you're getting out in the next couple of days.

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Update: I got keys to my new place! There were, of course, complications with the keys and messes to clean up from the previous roommate because nothing has been smooth about this, but I am out! I only have to go back there to finish the last of the packing, cleaning, and getting stuff out.

I ended up staying at my ex's place until April 1 afterall because I just had too much moving prep to do there to justify being away. Now that I want to be done with him, I get to view his behavior through that lense and it's eye-opening. In those last few days, he "tried to salvage some of our friendship" by knocking on my door and subjecting me to a slew of criticisms about how everything I am doing for this move is wrong. I didn't give him enough notice (1.5 months). I have to firm up dates with the landlord (I had to make sure I was actually getting keys and not being nailed for someone else's damage before i could give an official date). I compiled my moving boxes in the living room without his permission. When he tried to cast me as the unreasonable one for leaving him alone after he asked to be left alone, and for not knocking on his door which never used to be closed, i explained to him that the night I left, I knew he would hit me if I stayed which led to an argument about my "distorted reality." In THE MIDDLE OF THE ARGUMENT he did the thing he learned in anger management class to actively stop himself from hitting me (walks away mid-conversation to count to 10 and cool off). But I'm crazy for believing that he is capable of hitting me. He even offered me a hug and I did not accept. 

He also tried to prove how well he treated me in the relationship by explaining that he never cheated on me. I'm not sure why he expects me to give him credit for that. Cheating was never the issue. 🙄

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6 hours ago, HungryGhost said:

I only have to go back there to finish the last of the packing, cleaning, and getting stuff out.

Bring a friend and skip the relationship talks. Keep your mind on the business at hand. Getting your things packed and out.

Then delete and block him from all your social media messaging apps and devices. Change your passwords.

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