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Boyfriend not speaking to me. What should I do?


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5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Maybe he's hoping you will leave.

Some people are cowards. They don't want to be the "bad guy" so they act so horribly that it forces you to leave. Then he can say you left him. 

But really, who cares? You'll be free of his terrible treatment of you. You may be surprised how liberating it is to no longer have to tiptoe around in your own home.

Yeah, I'm sure that's what he's doing. His whole demeanor has changed. I had considered raising the topic of breaking up today, but it quickly became obvious that there would be no mature respectful conversation. So I'll spring it on him when it's convenient for me.

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4 hours ago, HungryGhost said:

Yeah, I'm sure that's what he's doing. His whole demeanor has changed. I had considered raising the topic of breaking up today, but it quickly became obvious that there would be no mature respectful conversation. So I'll spring it on him when it's convenient for me.

Good thinking. It makes no sense to reveal your hand prematurely.

Get your ducks in a row, first. Then liberate yourself.

Head high, and I hope you'll keep us updated.

Fingers crossed for you.

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On 2/20/2022 at 5:58 PM, HungryGhost said:

I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years, living together for one. We are both close to 40 years old. 

 Are either of you divorced? Why do you sleep in separate bedrooms?

You seem excessively dependent on his opinions, moods, attitudes etc. and seem to revolve your life around that.

Who cares what he thinks about professional options for you? You have to beg him to talk to you? You need permission to hug him? What is that?

You're driving this nonsense by putting him on a pedestal. Why?

You seem almost resigned to this chronic nonsense. Even sarcasm about another night so bored and lonely that you have to watch netflix.

Please use the quote option to reply. Replying within someone's response in strange colors is impossible to read not the way it works.

It seems  like too much too soon and mostly moving in way too soon for economic or other dependency reasons.

Yes you can be angry with him for shutting you out yet again and make up scenarios in your head about "sending emails to ads" and ridiculous exit payments, but in fact you don't have a viable plan. Including how to get out of a lease.

Relax and think things out about what you can afford given your location and salary. Where did you live just a year ago? 

Edited by Wiseman2
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Thanks, all. Update: I have arranged appointments to view three places this week. If I can secure something this week, I could meet my goal of giving notice the last day of the month (Monday) if I'm offered one for March or April 1. I have known my current rental company to be a bit flexible on that. The guy who lived here before me gave a month's notice to vacate his lease early, and he technically missed the deadline but they accepted it anyway. 

My biggest worry right now is what references they will need, and how many. If they want my current landlord to be a reference, I will have to let them know what's up this week, and ask them for a reference with hopes they will cooperate and not leak the info to my bf/ex. It rarely occurs me to keep in touch with past landlords for references. 😞

Also, I'm planning to pack an overnight bag so that when my plans are revealed, I'm prepared to just grab it and run to a hotel if things get nasty and/or violent (I know that's a possibility, based on some things he has told me about his past). I really don't know what to expect. It's clear he doesn't want me for his girlfriend, but I also suspect he may still expect me to hang around and contribute to the rent.

Edited by HungryGhost
missed a word
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3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 make up scenarios in your head about "sending emails to ads" and ridiculous exit payments, but in fact you don't have a viable plan. Including how to get out of a lease.

Relax and think things out about what you can afford given your location and salary. Where did you live just a year ago? 

What do you mean? Are you suggesting that I should stay in this unsafe situation? I am in the process of making plans. I didn't plan on my relationship completely deteriorating in one weekend.

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28 minutes ago, HungryGhost said:

I didn't plan on my relationship completely deteriorating in one weekend.

Ok, check with your landlord about getting out of the lease. Focus on the practicalities of moving out. Finding affordable housing, finances etc. Have a cohesive realistic plan if you feel it's "unsafe". 

Your post is misleading because you're begging for hugs and now need to flee with a safety bag?

Edited by Wiseman2
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if you feel unsafe, I would not tell him I'm leaving in person.  I would leave first.  Quietly get yourself a new place or arrange to stay with a friend. When you're ready and he leaves, you go!

You may be able to talk to both landlords about you feeling you are not in a safe situation and maybe they'd work with you on breaking the lease and the background check.

Good luck!  I'm proud of you.  Keep going, stay string. A better life waits for you! 

 

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I suggest you arrange to stay with a friend as soon as you apply for the new apartments. If in fact you fear your soon to be ex will get "violent" it would be a very bad idea to remain after he finds out you're leaving.

Then once you're settled into your new apartment, think about getting a referral to counseling services. The fact that you find a man who treats you with such disdain and who you are fearful of attractive is concerning. It's important to get to the root cause of your attraction to this type of man so you don't repeat it.

Good luck and I hope you get out very soon.

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Update: I viewed 2 places today. One interested me. They said they liked me, and the timing and background check requirements sounded promising, too. They think it's more about proof of income than past landlords, which works for me! I would have 2 roommates, and I would have to downsize my stuff, but it was a really nice place and they have a puppy!

Still 2 more viewings to go before the week is out, and I'm optimistic about both of them too.

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10 hours ago, Lambert said:

if you feel unsafe, I would not tell him I'm leaving in person.  I would leave first.  Quietly get yourself a new place or arrange to stay with a friend. When you're ready and he leaves, you go!

You may be able to talk to both landlords about you feeling you are not in a safe situation and maybe they'd work with you on breaking the lease and the background check.

Good luck!  I'm proud of you.  Keep going, stay string. A better life waits for you! 

 

Sigh. Herein lies my biggest challenge. He never leaves. He does both work and school from home so I can't be discreet about clearing stuff out. I don't even want to go to the closet and dig out my suitcases because that will tip him off.

Edited by HungryGhost
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2 minutes ago, HungryGhost said:

Sigh. Herein lies my biggest challenge. He never leaves. He does both work and school from home so I can't be discreet about clearing stuff out. I don't even want to go to the closet and dig out my suitcases because that will tip him off.

Invite a friend over to be there while you move out. It would be great if it's a male friend or family member, but anyone being present would probably deter him from getting "violent". If you're extremely fearful you can ask a deputy to be present. 

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10 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I suggest you arrange to stay with a friend as soon as you apply for the new apartments. If in fact you fear your soon to be ex will get "violent" it would be a very bad idea to remain after he finds out you're leaving.

Then once you're settled into your new apartment, think about getting a referral to counseling services. The fact that you find a man who treats you with such disdain and who you are fearful of attractive is concerning. It's important to get to the root cause of your attraction to this type of man so you don't repeat it.

Good luck and I hope you get out very soon.

I'm contemplating booking an air bnb until moving day. I'm not sure when I would pack, but maybe I could hire the movers to do the packing, too. I know they do that.

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10 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Then once you're settled into your new apartment, think about getting a referral to counseling services. The fact that you find a man who treats you with such disdain and who you are fearful of attractive is concerning. It's important to get to the root cause of your attraction to this type of man so you don't repeat it.

To be fair, the ugly side of him was not revealed until after the move-in. It always repulsed me. We even did a few sessions of couples therapy where a therapist explained to him why his behavior is so hurtful. I knew early on that if he could not improve, we would not last.

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7 hours ago, HungryGhost said:

 I can't be discreet about clearing stuff out. I don't even want to go to the closet and dig out my suitcases because that will tip him off.

Ok. Start by severing all accounts and changing all your passwords. Get a po box and change your address. Get a safety deposit box at the bank and put important papers and valuables there. You'll have to do all that anyway.

As far as moving without his being aware that would be difficult. If you have to downsize, begin selling stuff and get a storage unit.

Can you move all in one day with friends and movers present? How fearful are you of "violence"? Check with your police department to see if you could have a peace officer present during the move.

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10 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Invite a friend over to be there while you move out. It would be great if it's a male friend or family member, but anyone being present would probably deter him from getting "violent". If you're extremely fearful you can ask a deputy to be present. 

I did this for my friend -no violence but she asked me to come to get her stuff.  It helped a lot with the tension/awkwardness (divorce).  Turns out the ex husband had asked her to have someone come because she was bipolar (I didn't know at that point) and he took me aside having never met me and  thanked me so much for being there.  It really can help.

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11 hours ago, HungryGhost said:

I'm contemplating booking an air bnb until moving day. I'm not sure when I would pack, but maybe I could hire the movers to do the packing, too. I know they do that.

If finances are a concern, are you going to pay movers?  tpacking services can be quite expensive. 

If you leave and go to an air bnb, (also an extra expense) will he let you back in the house to collect your things? 

Wasnt money a concern and reason you were hesitant to leave?

Mapping out all these extra expenses may convince you to not go... but these might not be necessary... And you have to anticipate if your ex won't let movers in. The movers are always on the clock and they're not going to fight to help you. 

Leaving without your stuff is a risk of future confrontation. You have to plan for that. 

In your shoes, I would ask a family member or friend or even the police to come over.  When they get there, tell your ex bf, you are leaving and take your stuff.

Coordinate everything to happen once you set up a place to go.  Whether that's your new apartment or putting your stuff in storage and staying with a friend/family.

Did you look at those ones you lined up? 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
Just now, HungryGhost said:

Hi all, 

So, I found a new place. I am just waiting for my application to be processed before I tell my ex and landlord. Thanks for seeing me through this phase. More drama to follow, I'm sure.

I'm glad you found a new place and will be moving out.

I still strongly urge you to have a friend or family member with you when you tell him you're moving out.  Be prepared to load up everything as quickly as possible.  And men like him are generally unwilling to act like a-holes in front of other people because they want to get credit for being a "great guy!!"  They don't want the rest of the world to know they're a-holes.

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I'm glad you found a new place and will be moving out.

I still strongly urge you to have a friend or family member with you when you tell him you're moving out.  Be prepared to load up everything as quickly as possible.  And men like him are generally unwilling to act like a-holes in front of other people because they want to get credit for being a "great guy!!"  They don't want the rest of the world to know they're a-holes.

That occurred to me too. When we officially broke up, he implied that if I want to move out he would be cooperative. But I still plan to have my overnight bag and purse ready to grab and run if he gets ragey. The friends I stayed with before gave me their spare keys, so I can hide out there again if I need to.

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I am so glad for you that you're taking this so seriously, putting in so much effort.  My real reason for posting -I was touched to see you post on that other person's thread who appears to be in a similar situation.  So thoughtful of you to reach out and try to help especially when you have so much on your plate!

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So if you ever have kids or get really sick where you need help, if you say anything that you didn't realize you were supposed to walk on eggs shells about, you'd be okay with him locking himself in a separate room, and just ignoring you at will whenever and for whatever for the rest of your life?

I'd move in with family or friends, and just be done with that lop-sided cr*ptastic situation.  What he does isn't love; it's manipulation...you realized you were made to apologize for asking his opinion?

People like this only destroy your self-esteem slowly and surely the longer you stay.

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On 3/7/2022 at 1:51 PM, tattoobunnie said:

So if you ever have kids or get really sick where you need help, if you say anything that you didn't realize you were supposed to walk on eggs shells about, you'd be okay with him locking himself in a separate room, and just ignoring you at will whenever and for whatever for the rest of your life?

I'd move in with family or friends, and just be done with that lop-sided cr*ptastic situation.  What he does isn't love; it's manipulation...you realized you were made to apologize for asking his opinion?

People like this only destroy your self-esteem slowly and surely the longer you stay.

Actually, while I was with him I had hip surgery and needed his help. He was very dutiful about it. He took time off school to travel with me to a different town even though he dislikes travel. He went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions, and bought other items for me as requested. He helped me with my physio, and cooked really nice meals for me. It made me think he was a good boyfriend at the time. HOWEVER, looking back on it I also remember him being really critical of me throughout the ordeal. I had 2 months off work because of it, and he judged me for not taking on work-from-home jobs online, even though I couldn't even sit in a chair for the first several weeks, and was under strict orders not to sit in a chair for extended periods of time. I watched too much Netflix while I was bedridden. When I got tired of doing hours of physio every day, I was too negative. He would also get snippy with me when I asked for help. But it was so easy at the time to focus on the fact that he was helping me.

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It sounds like he was helpful in some ways.  How did the side job thing come up -I think that's important because if you brought it up or pondered it then he might have thought you wanted input. Did you feel sensitive about not working even though you needed healing, obviously?

I ask hypothetically because it sounds like on the whole this is not a healthy relationship and I'm glad you are leaving.

Edited by Batya33
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