Jump to content

Boyfriend not speaking to me. What should I do?


Recommended Posts

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It sounds like he was helpful in some ways.  How did the side job thing come up -I think that's important because if you brought it up or pondered it then he might have thought you wanted input. Did you feel sensitive about not working even though you needed healing, obviously?

I ask hypothetically because it sounds like on the whole this is not a healthy relationship and I'm glad you are leaving.

The side job thing came up because for the past few years I have been navigating a career change and wanting to make more money than I am now. So he told me about a couple of websites where I could do some services virtually. It was valuable advice, but when I had surgery even my day job was put on hold. I couldn't walk! I had to prioritize that. I felt bad about not being able to go to my job because that's just how I am and I know they value me at my job, but there was a good reason for that. I couldn't even sit at my desk!

Encouragement to pursue opportunities is appreciated. Sometimes I got that from him. But I also got a lot of judgment for what I was not doing. 

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 minutes ago, HungryGhost said:

The side job thing came up because for the past few years I have been navigating a career change and wanting to make more money than I am now. So he told me about a couple of websites where I could do some services virtually. It was valuable advice, but when I had surgery even my day job was put on hold. I couldn't walk! I had to prioritize that. I felt bad about not being able to go to my job because that's just how I am and I know they value me at my job, but there was a good reason for that. I couldn't even sit at my desk!

Encouragement to pursue opportunities is appreciated. Sometimes I got that from him. But I also got a lot of judgment for what I was not doing. 

And you say you're somewhat fearful of how he'll react when you tell him you're leaving. 

So yes, you're doing the right thing. You don't need to be anxious and nervous in your own home.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 3/6/2022 at 2:55 PM, HungryGhost said:

I found a new place. I am just waiting for my application to be processed before I tell my ex and landlord.

When can you move in? Have you started to sever accounts, finances?

Have yo had your mail forwarded to a PO box? Have you gotten a safety deposit box for valuables? Have you changed all your passwords on accounts/devices.

These are all things you can do without confronting him. Have you discussed things frankly with friends/family? Do you have moving help/movers lined up?

Try to keep your mind on your move not all the things he did/didn't do for you. If you keep wavering like this you'll just end up staying. 

The more emotional you make this the worse it will be. Focus on practicalities of moving, if you are still moving?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

When can you move in? Have you started to sever accounts, finances?

Have yo had your mail forwarded to a PO box? Have you gotten a safety deposit box for valuables? Have you changed all your passwords on accounts/devices.

These are all things you can do without confronting him. Have you discussed things frankly with friends/family? Do you have moving help/movers lined up?

Try to keep your mind on your move not all the things he did/didn't do for you. If you keep wavering like this you'll just end up staying. 

The more emotional you make this the worse it will be. Focus on practicalities of moving, if you are still moving?

I am still waiting for the rental office to process my application, but it's for April 1. I have already scheduled movers for April 11. Most of my bills and notifications are paperless so mail is not much of a concern. My friends and family know of my plans. My valuables were transferred to a friend's place at the beginning of all this. I never shared my passwords with him. I'm not wavering, just answering people's posts. I don't want to stay with someone who treats me bad and doesn't want me. Yes, focusing on getting moved is exactly what I have been doing. I really wish they would process my application so I can start packing out in the open and tell him to find a new roommate for lease reassignment as of an official date. I'm just holding off until my application is approved because I don't want to be homeless. 

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wonder why they're taking such a long time to process your application. I moved a little less than a year ago and it took five working days from submitting the application to being notified I was approved. And I was able to move in immediately.

Can you contact them to ask the status?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

14 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I wonder why they're taking such a long time to process your application. I moved a little less than a year ago and it took five working days from submitting the application to being notified I was approved. And I was able to move in immediately.

Can you contact them to ask the status?

There was a holdup because the current roommate had not paid their rent for March. The girl who will be my roommate let me know that it got paid yesterday. She and I are making arrangements under the assumption that i will be approved. She chose me from her crop of applicants and took down her roommate ad. I called the rental office today and they said it should be processed early next week. If no word by Wednesday, I will call them again. 

What a pain!!!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Gotcha.

Hopefully it'll be ready for you by the end of the month.

Is he still not speaking to you? Not that it's going to change your mind if he is.

He has been treating me like a roommate, which is an improvement. But he also continues to say things to me that suggest he still wants to keep me on the hook for some reason. Things like, "You are my best friend," and "I am your biggest fan." 🙄

Link to comment
Share on other sites

20 minutes ago, HungryGhost said:

He has been treating me like a roommate, which is an improvement. But he also continues to say things to me that suggest he still wants to keep me on the hook for some reason. Things like, "You are my best friend," and "I am your biggest fan." 🙄

I'd hate to see how he'd treat someone he isn't a "fan" of and who he doesn't consider his "best friend".

I would imagine if he raged at and gave the silent treatment to his friends he wouldn't have many friends.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, HungryGhost said:

tell him to find a new roommate for lease reassignment as of an official date.

Don't tell him what to do. You need to contact the landlord. Unless you get out of the lease, the remainder of the monthly payments is your, not his responsibility.

In fact he could live there himself and you'll have to continue to pay rent. A lease is a legally binding financial contract. How can you set up movers if you don't actually have an Apt, secured yet? 

Make sure you are attending to all the practicalities rather than the wherefores and whys of breaking up.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

31 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'd hate to see how he'd treat someone he isn't a "fan" of and who he doesn't consider his "best friend".

I would imagine if he raged at and gave the silent treatment to his friends he wouldn't have many friends.

I know, right? It seems so backwards that the person he was the closest with for 2 years seems like the one to unload on. I do not understand that logic. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 minutes ago, HungryGhost said:

I know, right? It seems so backwards that the person he was the closest with for 2 years seems like the one to unload on. I do not understand that logic. 

Because he's been allowed to get away with it.

If he acted that way at work he'd be fired. But he knows you'll accept his behavior and even tell him you love him. So, why change?

I too have a toxic ex. One time I complained about he was treating me and he said "I figured you must like it since you keep coming back." That was a huge lightbulb moment for me because he was absolutely right.

  • Sad 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't tell him what to do. You need to contact the landlord. Unless you get out of the lease, the remainder of the monthly payments is your, not his responsibility.

In fact he could live there himself and you'll have to continue to pay rent. A lease is a legally binding financial contract. How can you set up movers if you don't actually have an Apt, secured yet? 

Make sure you are attending to all the practicalities rather than the wherefores and whys of breaking up.

I did contact the landlord. It's written in our lease that we can sublet. When I asked them about it, they said I can either sublet or reassign my part of the lease. Either way, my ex has to approve of the new person, so I do need to communicate to him that I have decided to leave and reassign the lease, and he needs to find a new roommate to take it over. It is set up so that he pays the landlord the full rent, and i pay him my half. I talked to a lawyer, and they said if I were to just stop paying him, he would have to take me to court to try to get the money. I am trying to prevent that situation by telling him my intention to leave and stop paying so that he can find someone else to pay once i'm gone. He implied that he would be supportive if i decide to move out, so if he meant it, he will cooperate. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Because he's been allowed to get away with it.

If he acted that way at work he'd be fired. But he knows you'll accept his behavior and even tell him you love him. So, why change?

I too have a toxic ex. One time I complained about he was treating me and he said "I figured you must like it since you keep coming back." That was a huge lightbulb moment for me because he was absolutely right.

Not exactly. After a particularly bad outburst, I talked him into doing couples therapy to work on our communication to try to get it through to him that yelling at me was not ok. It was my way of telling him I will not accept that treatment, and giving him a chance to improve. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

33 minutes ago, HungryGhost said:

Not exactly. After a particularly bad outburst, I talked him into doing couples therapy to work on our communication to try to get it through to him that yelling at me was not ok. It was my way of telling him I will not accept that treatment, and giving him a chance to improve. 

But the result is you still stayed. He obviously didn't improve. He just appeased you.

But it seems your eyes are open now. Don't try to convince yourself he means it this time if he vows to "improve". He knows it's what you want to hear. But he doesn't mean it, he just wants you to give up on the idea of leaving because he doesn't want to lose his figurative whipping boy. 

I think once you're out you'll discover how peaceful it it to no longer have to live with someone who makes your own home so unpleasant and uncomfortable.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

But the result is you still stayed. He obviously didn't improve. He just appeased you.

But it seems your eyes are open now. Don't try to convince yourself he means it this time if he vows to "improve". He knows it's what you want to hear. But he doesn't mean it, he just wants you to give up on the idea of leaving because he doesn't want to lose his figurative whipping boy. 

I think once you're out you'll discover how peaceful it it to no longer have to live with someone who makes your own home so unpleasant and uncomfortable.

Yeah... I stayed because I was living him. Had I not been living with him, I would have been gone at the first act of aggression. But that started after I moved in, and in order to leave, I would have been in the same nightmare predicament I am in now with breaking a lease and dealing with a housing crisis. It just would have been happening a whole lot sooner. 

I am looking forward to the peace that I think is coming soon. 

Edited by HungryGhost
Link to comment
Share on other sites

41 minutes ago, HungryGhost said:

Yeah... I stayed because I was living him. Had I not been living with him, I would have been gone at the first act of aggression. But that started after I moved in, and in order to leave, I would have been in the same nightmare predicament I am in now with breaking a lease and dealing with a housing crisis. It just would have been happening a whole lot sooner. 

I am looking forward to the peace that I think is coming soon. 

I hope it resolves soon!  Curious -would you make a different choice next time about living with someone? I lived with one person once for about two months.  We moved in when we had a wedding date and it was practical to do so.  We broke up shortly before the wedding and he was fine staying in the apartment and paying the full rent.  I found another place very fast.  There was no financial reason to share living space. We got along fine living together. 

Ironically, we got back together 7 years later and got married.  We did not officially live together before marriage -neither of us saw the point.  As it turned out we became parents a few months after marrying and I know for sure that any "practice" we'd have gotten living together would have been irrelevant to the experience of living in under 600 square feet for three months with a newborn.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

28 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I hope it resolves soon!  Curious -would you make a different choice next time about living with someone? I lived with one person once for about two months.  We moved in when we had a wedding date and it was practical to do so.  We broke up shortly before the wedding and he was fine staying in the apartment and paying the full rent.  I found another place very fast.  There was no financial reason to share living space. We got along fine living together. 

Ironically, we got back together 7 years later and got married.  We did not officially live together before marriage -neither of us saw the point.  As it turned out we became parents a few months after marrying and I know for sure that any "practice" we'd have gotten living together would have been irrelevant to the experience of living in under 600 square feet for three months with a newborn.  

Great question. I had sworn off dating about 5 years before I met this guy, so I will most likely default back to a single life.  I do not like drama at all, and that's what dating is. 

Since I didn't see his true colors until after moving in, I do wonder what would have happened if I hadn't moved in. I also wonder if there is really any way to predict how a living situation will turn out before actually doing it.

That's quite a fascinating story you have! 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

56 minutes ago, HungryGhost said:

Great question. I had sworn off dating about 5 years before I met this guy, so I will most likely default back to a single life.  I do not like drama at all, and that's what dating is. 

Since I didn't see his true colors until after moving in, I do wonder what would have happened if I hadn't moved in. I also wonder if there is really any way to predict how a living situation will turn out before actually doing it.

That's quite a fascinating story you have! 

Why do you think dating is about drama?  I felt comfortable predicting because I'd known him for years, had spent tons of time at one of our places (despite not officially living together) and knew him very well.  Also since we were married I was committed to making it work, including the living situation, as was he.  Certainly a couple can have a just as strong non-marital commitment (I mean after all for a long time gay people couldn't get legally married) -but if the purpose of moving is is for other than strengthening the emotional commitment (which I didn't relate to and neither did he - I don't think it's necessary to live together to test drive what it will like to be married and anyway like I said we lived with a newborn a few months after we married!) then I can see where treating it like an audition or test, or doing it for financial reasons mainly means the couple may treat conflict differently.

I knew there were no guarantees.  But I knew we loved each other very much, we believed strongly we were the right partner for each other, we both strongly believe in marriage and wanted a family, so if living together required adjustments so be it.  I did have a number of drama experiences with dating -figured that was par for the course -

but absolutely if you are fine/happy being on your own that's great!  If that's so I can see where it wouldnt' be worth the time, energy, effort and sometime drama to date someone.  Not worth it.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

12 hours ago, HungryGhost said:

 He implied that he would be supportive if i decide to move out.

So he wants you out as much as you want to be out. 

Focus on realistic practicalities. As yet to still don't have a place secured for a specific date.

Make sure everything is done legally and appropriately. For example do you have to give your BF a certain time as notice?

Have you figured out what staying and what you are talking? 

You're so overly focused on the demise of the relationship,that your departure seems chaotic and that will cost you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I'm rooting for ya! I hope this is over soon so you can finally get some peace and have a happy life 🙂 .

Thanks! I am ready for my happy life. That's what I have always been looking for. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

So, I think I'm getting closer on the official approval for my new place. Yesterday they called me and asked for an admin fee to change the lease, which I refuse to do until they confirm that the unpaid rent is no longer an issue, and that they will approve my application. What I need your advice on now is how to handle things with my ex, particularly the financial piece. I don't think the entire financial burden of this fallout should be on me. I'm not the only one involved in this mess, and it was his idea to break up. I will be covering the cost of the move myself, and assuming my application goes smooth, paying rent somewhere else as of April 1. Questions:

- My current landlord also mentioned an admin fee to change the lease when I leave. How should I bring up this topic with my ex and also make clear that I will not be the one to pay it because I'm already paying that fee elsewhere?

- When I first moved in with my bf, his previous roommate left early and my bf ended up asking me to split his half of the rent for my first month, even though I was still paying rent at my previous place. So I did. We agreed over the phone, but I have the text message where he asked me to do it. I am contemplating asking him to return the favor, and only pay him half of my rent for April, since I will be living somewhere else. I also plan to completely move out on April 11, so technically I will only be here half the month. Is that justified? Tips on how to approach this topic? 

- At the beginning of this, I sought out legal advice and one thing the lawyer said to me was "You don't owe for utilities you didn't use." So I am also thinking of requesting a break on utilities for April, or just not paying him the utility amount for April, since I don't even plan to be here except to pack, sell a few things, and clean for the move-out inspection. I will be paying utilities at my new place in April, where I envision myself to be even before my furniture gets there. Thoughts?

- I need him to do the work of finding a new person to take over the lease. According to the landlord, he's the one who needs to approve of them, so it just makes sense for him to do the screening. How should I convey this to him?

Also, in what order should I do the above?

According to the landlord, there is no official amount of notice I have to give them, we just need to allow enough time to find someone new and get the paperwork done by the effective date. According to the lawyer, the landlord doesn't care who pays, but whoever is on the lease is someone they can go after if they are not paid. It's my ex who pays them directly, so I doubt it would get to the point where they come after me. 

Maybe I sound harsh, but I don't want to be a doormat who absorbs all the costs. I have never been in this situation before, so I have no idea how to get out of it gracefully. I would really appreciate insights, especially from people who have been through this before. Thanks!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, HungryGhost said:

According to the lawyer, the landlord doesn't care who pays, but whoever is on the lease is someone they can go after if they are not paid.

Exactly. You need to get away from worrying about the breakup, his reaction, what's "fair", packing overnight bags, etc. and focus on the logistics and legalities and finances with regard to moving. 

Unfortunately, the truth is you signed a lease and moved in together, then decided to break up and move out. That's not the landlord's responsibility or headache.

In fact yes, it Will affect your credit score and go on record even if your landlord does not sue you for unpaid rent.

Go about this in a more organized logical way rather than make assumptions based on emotions.

Obviously you can expect some costs when you break a lease and move. You may also not get your portion of the security back. You are leaving way too much up to your BF.

 

 

Edited by Wiseman2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

@HungryGhost just do as advised by the lawyer. Tell your ex that it's his time to find someone else and then it won't be responsibility. I do think you should pay that admin fee since you're the one breaking/changing the lease. Just take it as a cost to leave. You'll be free in the long run and that's what matters.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share


×
×
  • Create New...