Am I really in an abusive relationship?

[Savannah]

I am struggling to understand and accept some things that have happened in my current relationship. This evening, my boyfriend went to jail for domestic assault charges. This morning I told him I think we should break up, because I am struggling with my self esteem and trust, which of course does not allow for a healthy relationship. I have brought this up many times in the past month or two, and many times throughout our relationship of two years. He refuses to let me go when I tell him I think we should break up. I guess while he was out today he decided to drink, and he was driving my car. He already has a dui, and we have been back and forth over his drinking. We have almost broken up over it several times, but he always promises me he is going to do better, that he wants to build a family and a life with me, that he loves me. When he came home, I could tell he had been drinking..and driving my car, which obviously made me upset..he came into my room where I was laying down and grabbed my arms and dragged me out of bed across the floor. He told me he got food for me and my kids, and that I needed to sit down and eat. I told him I noticed he had been drinking. He continued to try to push me out of the door to the dining room. I sat for a moment but didn't want to eat. So he began yelling, I got up and told him not to do this in front of my kids. He continued to grab me by the arms, face, and neck and push me around throughout the house. I demanded that he stop and leave but he would not so I called the police. I had bright red marks on my neck and arms from his hands, which have faded only a couple hours later now. I have some small scratches on my face from his nails, and a small cut on the inside of my lip from the force of his hands pushing against my teeth. I know this behavior is not ok, but I feel like I'm making it out to be more than it is by thinking it is or calling it physical abuse when I have no bruises or lasting marks. We have had two other times where he became physical with me. Once after we had both been drinking and arguing, he smacked me in the face. He was very remorseful and promised it wouldn't happen again. I felt responsible as I had been drinking and acting foolish too. I haven't had a drink since. Another time not long ago, he came home drunk after an argument, he threw some things around, broke some things, and lightly kicked me in my lower back. The police got involved that time too, as I couldn't believe he kicked me, but it didn't hurt or leave a mark so. The court dismissed that, but now he is sitting in jail again, at least until he makes bond. All this makes him sound terrible, but in every other way he is the most amazing partner and I love him dearly. I feel trapped and not sure what to do. I love him hit I can see this isn't healthy for either of us. Even between these explosive events there are so many things that seem overly complicated, negative, and unable to be fixed. No matter how much I explain to him that even though I love him I think we should be apart, he refuses to leave. He refuses to "let me throw away our relationship" and is set on making things work. I don't mean to defend his behavior but I don't know if it's really physical abuse because he has never left a lasting mark on me and it is infrequent. I guess it doesn't really matter, I just have no idea how to find a way out of this and am very heartbroken. I don't want to live like this, and I absolutely don't want this for my children. That is why their father is not in the picture, and I feel like there is something wrong with me that makes people act this way towards me.. I just don't know what to think or what to do, especially when he will not go, and when I am so sad to lose him and admit the reality of the situation.

[Seraphim]

Yes , very abusive relationship. Not only are you being abused your kids are also being abused watching you be abuse . If you won’t get out of this for yourself, get out of this for them. 

[Seraphim]

I have PTSD because my dad was abusive. Your kids will thank you for leaving this disgusting human being. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Savannah said:

All this makes him sound terrible

That's because he is terrible. 

This man is horribly abusive. I am not sure where you got the idea that abuse means you need have lasting mark on your body, but what he is doing is 100% abuse. Who taught you to believe that it's not abuse if you don't have lasting bruises or physical injuries? Him? 

1 hour ago, Savannah said:

He refuses to "let me throw away our relationship"

This is not his choice to make. It is yours. You don't need his permission to end this. 

However, I sense that you are not ready to do so on your own accord yet.  So I urge you to think of what this is doing to your children, growing up in a violent household. I promise you, it is affecting them and it will continue to do so throughout their lives. They deserve peace. 

Have you got any sort of other support system? A family member or friend? Does anyone else know you are being abused? 

[Jibralta]

Yes, you are really in an abusive relationship.

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, Savannah said:

I feel trapped and not sure what to do. I love him hit I can see this isn't healthy for either of us. Even between these explosive events there are so many things that seem overly complicated, negative, and unable to be fixed. No matter how much I explain to him that even though I love him I think we should be apart, he refuses to leave. He refuses to "let me throw away our relationship" and is set on making things work. I don't mean to defend his behavior but I don't know if it's really physical abuse because he has never left a lasting mark on me and it is infrequent.

First off, you say this evening he went to jail... for domestic violence?  Then do you not think this whole thing with him IS bad?  Then, I'd say it's abusive.

 

You feel trapped?  Do you fear him?

If HE won't leave, then you do so.. until he leaves.  Don't mess around with someone like this. 

As for HIM wanting to make things work, I am pretty sure this isn't new ( his behaviour).

You aren't sure it is actual physical abuse?  Did he touch you?  Did he pull or drag you around? ( all w/out your willing and force?)  That is abuse.  AND there are several forms of abuse. ( sexual, mental, verbal, physical, financial). Seriously, re read all you've written.. and tell me any of that is okay.

YOU need to get it together because I'm pretty sure you do know his treatment towards you is NOT right. And why would you want your kids to also witness any of this? 😕 

So either he goes or you do.  You need to find that inner strength and some self respect.  And there be no giving in, no second or third attempts.  Say enough!

 

[Savannah]

Thank you everyone. It is now almost 4am and I haven't yet slept. I don't have much in the way of  friends or family but I talked to my dad who lives a long distance away and he also encouraged me to just leave my apartment. I have made a reservation for one night at a hotel..check in isn't until 3pm, and he is being released on bond at 445 am. So I have a suitcase packed and will be waking up my kids and leaving here soon. I know it's going to be a long day but once we get to the hotel I will be thankful to get some rest, and time to figure out what I'm going to.

[SooSad33]

Good for you. Be strong and don't go back to that! He's done a lot of wrong.

You have reached out to your dad, good.  Hopefully he can assist you with getting away from all of this now.

No matter what, don't give in this guys begging , guilt trips.. nothing!  He's done wrong, I'm sure inside he knows it!  He needs help and learn self control.

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Savannah said:

 my boyfriend went to jail for domestic assault charges.. he is the most amazing partner and I love him dearly.

How long have you lived together? Whose place is it? If it's his move yourself and your kids out immediately. If it's your place change the locks.

Get a restraining order against him for yourself and your kids.

Let your kids stay with their father or extended family until you get rid of this drunken criminal.

Why are you subjecting yourself and worse, your kids, to this violent drunken criminal?

Your kids will be taken away from you and rightfully so if you don't start protecting them rather than this criminal.

Get your head out of the sand. Drunks who repeatedly beat you up are not "the most amazing partner".

 

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, Savannah said:

I have made a reservation for one night at a hotel..

What are you going to do after that?

[boltnrun]

Your children will need intensive counseling as a result of watching their mother being beaten (yes, beaten) by an abusive drunk who is living in their home with them.

11 hours ago, Savannah said:

I absolutely don't want this for my children. That is why their father is not in the picture,

So you have a history of choosing abusive men.  Please seek professional help to dig into why you find violent men attractive.

I would recommend you and your kids stay with your father until you can obtain permanent housing.  Do NOT allow the abusive drunk to move in once you do.  And do testify against him; do not drop the charges because you "feel bad" or try to convince yourself "it wasn't that bad" or "it wasn't abuse because the injuries healed".

The alternative is to continue this abusive relationship, have your children suffer permanent emotional damage, have them taken away and put in foster care (or handed over to their father) and you will have no one but the abusive man in your life.  And he will do permanent damage to you one day (or worse)...this I guarantee.

You CAN do this.  You're a mother and you can be strong for your children.  I am sure you love them and want what's best for them...and for yourself.

[smackie9]

been there. It's a vicious cycle of treating you like crap, then saying they will do better, wash, rinse, repeat. It never stops.

Call social services, abuse hot-line, a trusted friend/family member. When you are really ready, don't tell him your plans, just pack up and go quick, get to safety.

[catfeeder]

14 hours ago, Savannah said:

I feel like I'm making it out to be more than it is by thinking it is or calling it physical abuse when I have no bruises or lasting marks.

Abuse isn't about leaving marks--it's about mistreatment and control, even when it's only verbal.

It never gets better, only worse, no matter what he promises.

Call 800-799-7233 for the National Domestic Violence Hotline

or visit https://www.thehotline.org