relationships I had an affair with a married man and my boyfriend does not know this about me yet

[boltnrun]

10 hours ago, Lily4 said:

And answer your second question no I don’t feel I deserve a nice boyfriend like I have now but the other part of me loves him and doesn’t want to lose him . 

So why hurt HIM if you feel this way? I don't understand why, if you feel bad about the poor decisions you made in the past, you want to punish your current boyfriend.

Does that make sense? 

If you don't think you deserve him then kindly break up with him. Don't hurt him by telling him about your past.

[Lily4]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

So you are still so hung up on this married lover that it defines who you are?

Perhaps you are still seeing your BF as a rebound and substitute for the married lover you want but can't have. This is what it sounds like you're trying to tell your BF.

Otherwise you have put this behind you a long long time ago.

 

I did put it behind me . Or so I thought 

it happened 2 years ago but for some reason I’m getting the feeling that he should know . And in my opinion it’s because our relationship is getting more serious and I just want him to accept that I made this mistake. 
im not sure if that makes sense to you or not but it’s how I feel 

[Lily4]

6 hours ago, boltnrun said:

So why hurt HIM if you feel this way? I don't understand why, if you feel bad about the poor decisions you made in the past, you want to punish your current boyfriend.

Does that make sense? 

If you don't think you deserve him then kindly break up with him. Don't hurt him by telling him about your past.

I think you’re completely right . The last thing I would ever do to him is hurt him especially not intentionally so this may be for the best . Thank you so much for your advice I really appreciate it 

[Lily4]

On 2/3/2022 at 3:25 AM, Rose Mosse said:

The married man is the past so leave it in the past. It has nothing to do with your current relationship. 

Don’t self-sabotage please. Seek therapy or counselling if available to you and figure out what this is really about. Are you religious? You seem to be reliving your past over and over perhaps because of some strong moral standard imposed. You made a mistake and are remorseful for that time you were involved with a married person. You declined sex or a relationship with him. Be proud of yourself for that. Count yourself older/wiser now and move forward.

Are you happy with your current relationship or is it dull or unfulfilling? 

I’m very happy with my boyfriend he’s who I would consider my future husband and kids with 

but when I think about what I did and knowingly did I just think about it I deserve all that with him you know ?

[Batya33]

33 minutes ago, Lily4 said:

I did put it behind me . Or so I thought 

it happened 2 years ago but for some reason I’m getting the feeling that he should know . And in my opinion it’s because our relationship is getting more serious and I just want him to accept that I made this mistake. 
im not sure if that makes sense to you or not but it’s how I feel 

So in a serious relationship you can feel a certain way and make the choice not to react by oversharing with your partner. It doesn't need to make sense -feelings are feelings.  You choose the reaction.  Why should he accept that you made this mistake?  Do you feel like he won't really know you unless he knows (1) you made a mistake by getting involved with a married father and (2) you decided you will never do something like that again because it was a mistake and you want to choose a better path should you ever be in that situation where you're attracted to a married man. 

Why does he need to know this since you now have resolved not to make this mistake again?  Why does he need to accept what happened in your past before he knew you? Do you want him to reassure you that he trusts that you know you made a mistake and learned from it? Why? Other than "cause it's how I feel" - acting on stuff because it's "how I feel" isn't what healthy relationships are made of.

[Batya33]

33 minutes ago, Lily4 said:

I’m very happy with my boyfriend he’s who I would consider my future husband and kids with 

but when I think about what I did and knowingly did I just think about it I deserve all that with him you know ?

But how is telling him -burdening him -going to make you feel more deserving?  If you feel you don't deserve to be in a healthy loving relationship with an available man that's a sign that you shouldn't be with him.  Him knowing and "accepting" isn't going to help your inner insecurities.  You'll come up with some other reason why you're not "deserving" or you will wonder if he'll change his mind about whether he "accepts" it.  

Edited to add -I wrote this after I read what Bolt wrote.  Also if he is a healthy stable person he'll be suspicious of why you're telling him in the first place.  Check out the lyrics to Carly Simon's song "we have no secrets".

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, Lily4 said:

it happened 2 years ago but for some reason I’m getting the feeling that he should know . 

It would be best to unpack and sort out this with a therapist. You are defining who you are by this and a therapist can identify obsessive behaviors and self-sabotaging tendencies and work on this with you.

You also need to focus on who you are now, the relationship you are in now and the man you are with now instead of obsessing over this.

Are you from a culture that expects you to be a virgin until you are married? Is this why you feel compelled to tell your BF?

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, Lily4 said:

I’m very happy with my boyfriend he’s who I would consider my future husband and kids with 

but when I think about what I did and knowingly did I just think about it I deserve all that with him you know ?

I don't follow that logic. 

I can try to understand and see what you're saying however. Try not to make this about you and your past. Life is now in the present so live in the present. 

[Andrina]

The only thing that telling him this story will do is have him picturing these images in his head. It's not fun to picture your significant other with anyone else, even if it was an ethical union. That's why it's best not to go into details of your exes and keep it as a summary  when at the beginning of a dating experience such as: We weren't compatible. We outgrew each other, etc.

Many people make ethical mistakes, especially before age 25 since the adult brain doesn't mature until that time. It doesn't mean you have to treat anyone like a priest you can divulge all your sins to. Your bf won't be providing any absolution like saying 5 Hail Mary's and 3 Our Father's.

I know there are times in my life I've behaved in ways I'm not proud of. Though I do feel guilty, which is a good thing which shows a person is empathetic, I practice positive self-talk when I start berating myself for past mistakes, such as: Nobody remembers that but you. Everyone makes mistakes, and I've certainly learned from them and won't be repeating that snafu. The past does not define me. (Those types of statements) Then I redirect my mind to more productive thoughts.

The best thing you can do now is set a goal of continuing to be the loving, faithful, great gf you've been thus far. Isn't that good enough? 

You need to learn to forgive yourself. Try the positive self-talk I suggested, and get some reading material on the subject since it normally takes several months to get in with a therapist. There's a reason they are so busy. You're not alone and not the only person in the world who needs help, including self-forgiveness.

[SherrySher]

2 hours ago, Lily4 said:

I’m very happy with my boyfriend he’s who I would consider my future husband and kids with 

but when I think about what I did and knowingly did I just think about it I deserve all that with him you know ?

Are you still thinking it's a good idea to get involved with a married man? Have you learnt something from that experience where you no longer think the same or would make the same mistakes?

Did you damage someone and yourself so badly that it's going to cause massive problems now and in the future?

Because of that experience, will you be toxic towards your current boyfriend? Does he need to be warned about you potentially getting together with married men?

Will what happened with the married man affect your future?

If you can answer all of those truthfully.... why the heck do you feel the need to tell him?

You made a mistake, you learnt from it. You're a better person now which is why you're with your current boyfriend.

Don't drudge up past garbage just for the sake of it, it makes absolutely no sense.

[Lily4]

On 2/4/2022 at 7:02 PM, SherrySher said:

Are you still thinking it's a good idea to get involved with a married man? Have you learnt something from that experience where you no longer think the same or would make the same mistakes?

Did you damage someone and yourself so badly that it's going to cause massive problems now and in the future?

Because of that experience, will you be toxic towards your current boyfriend? Does he need to be warned about you potentially getting together with married men?

Will what happened with the married man affect your future?

If you can answer all of those truthfully.... why the heck do you feel the need to tell him?

You made a mistake, you learnt from it. You're a better person now which is why you're with your current boyfriend.

Don't drudge up past garbage just for the sake of it, it makes absolutely no sense.

You’re right I am deeply sorry for what I did and I will never do it again. I’ve learned that what we did was wrong 

and I don’t think it would ever be ok to get involved with a married man under any circumstances at all whatsoever 

I’ll try to let this go ..

thank you I do appreciate your help 

[SherrySher]

39 minutes ago, Lily4 said:

You’re right I am deeply sorry for what I did and I will never do it again. I’ve learned that what we did was wrong 

and I don’t think it would ever be ok to get involved with a married man under any circumstances at all whatsoever 

I’ll try to let this go ..

thank you I do appreciate your help 

First of all, Lily....forgive yourself. That's where you need to start.

You made a mistake, it makes you human, not a horrible person that needs to pay for it over and over.

You changed your behavior and you won't ever do anything like that again, and because of that, you learnt from your mistake.

Your boyfriend has the new improved version of you and there really is no point in discussing whatever mistake you made with someone who no longer matters anymore.

The married man has moved on, you need to move on as well.

You've got your boyfriend now, and you're both happy, enjoy it.

As for what happened way back when, keep reminding yourself you're no longer that version of yourself anymore and there is no need to bring back a past mistake into your current situation.

You're not hiding anything from your boyfriend, you're just deciding to leave the past in the past since your boyfriend has nothing at all to worry about when it comes to married men and you.

Allow yourself to heal from this now, and let the guilt go. 

 

[catfeeder]

I would respect your BF as an independent keeper of his own life, and apply the same respect to yourself.

BF is not a diary or a priest or a therapist. Laying a confession on him would be misdirected, and what would you expect him to DO with that information--expect for feel lousy? And how would that 'help' you?

Therapists are trained to help people work through their own stuff. I'd consider hiring one and doing the work, first, and THEN decide whether sabotaging your relationship is in any way wise or 'helpful' to either of you.

 

[Lily4]

4 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I would respect your BF as an independent keeper of his own life, and apply the same respect to yourself.

BF is not a diary or a priest or a therapist. Laying a confession on him would be misdirected, and what would you expect him to DO with that information--expect for feel lousy? And how would that 'help' you?

Therapists are trained to help people work through their own stuff. I'd consider hiring one and doing the work, first, and THEN decide whether sabotaging your relationship is in any way wise or 'helpful' to either of 

4 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I would respect your BF as an independent keeper of his own life, and apply the same respect to yourself.

BF is not a diary or a priest or a therapist. Laying a confession on him would be misdirected, and what would you expect him to DO with that information--expect for feel lousy? And how would that 'help' you?

Therapists are trained to help people work through their own stuff. I'd consider hiring one and doing the work, first, and THEN decide whether sabotaging your relationship is in any way wise or 'helpful' to either of you.

 

I guess you are right because I know deep in my heart that I am not that type of person anymore and to be honest I never really was I just made a really bad and wrong choice because I am really against breaking the bond of marriage but somehow I almost found myself doing it . If I could change one thing in my life it would be that and I’m really sorry for doing it . 

[boltnrun]

7 minutes ago, Lily4 said:

 

 

8 minutes ago, Lily4 said:

If I could change one thing in my life it would be that and I’m really sorry for doing it . 

Ok, so why inflict pain on your boyfriend? He didn't do anything wrong.

You are legitimately sorry for what you did. Don't compound it by causing heartache and pain to someone who loves you. Then you'd have to deal with the guilt and shame of hurting someone who's totally innocent in all of this.

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, Lily4 said:

 

How is it that you broke the bond of marriage? Only a married person can do that.  You participated in and knew he was doing that.  Do you often exaggerate your mistakes? 

[Lily4]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

How is it that you broke the bond of marriage? Only a married person can do that.  You participated in and knew he was doing that.  Do you often exaggerate your 

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

How is it that you broke the bond of marriage? Only a married person can do that.  You participated in and knew he was doing that.  Do you often exaggerate your mistakes? 

Ok .. I’ll try to stop guilting myself for this mistake but it’s really hard for me .
do you have any suggestions on how I should move forward? . I’ll try my best to put your advice into practice. 

[Batya33]

22 minutes ago, Lily4 said:

 

Of course it's hard.  Most people have a hard time handling a mistake they made. Lots of people have to do lots of hard stuff -do not just try.

I'm a fan of redirecting. Feel what you feel and choose your reaction.  Figure out what tools and rituals and mantras work for you - build a sort of tool box of these resources.  For example, 4-7-8 breathing (Weil method -google it).  Do you do cardio exercise? How much? What type? I would do at least 20-30 minutes of intense cardio a day - or at least 5 times a week -it's amazing how moving your body can change your perspective. 

When you "feel" guilty notice your feelings (notice - not reacting or having a pity party) and keep on moving and have those tools ready -maybe it's angry cleaning if not 4-7-8 breathing.  Maybe it's drinking water.  Keep your body hydrated, moving, and keep sticking to goals -small and larger -whether it's work or housework or exercise.  Show yourself through your actions you take care of your health and that you are a reliable person of character and integrity -through actions not just positive affirmations.

[Lily4]

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Of course it's hard.  Most people have a hard time handling a mistake they made. Lots of people have to do lots of hard stuff -do not just try.

I'm a fan of redirecting. Feel what you feel and choose your reaction.  Figure out what tools and rituals and mantras work for you - build a sort of tool box of these resources.  For example, 4-7-8 breathing (Weil method -google it).  Do you do cardio exercise? How much? What type? I would do at least 20-30 minutes of intense cardio a day - or at least 5 times a week -it's amazing how moving your body can change your perspective. 

When you "feel" guilty notice your feelings (notice - not reacting or having a pity party) and keep on moving and have those tools ready -maybe it's angry cleaning if not 4-7-8 breathing.  Maybe it's drinking water.  Keep your body hydrated, moving, and keep sticking to goals -small and larger -whether it's work or housework or exercise.  Show yourself through your actions you take care of your health and that you are a reliable person of character and integrity -through actions not just positive affirmations.

this all sounds overwhelming but I think you are right . I’m not practicing any of the following things you mentioned and it’s not to my benefit 

I get so lost in self loathing that I want to just let myself go as a human being 

but that’s not who I am and that’s not who I want to be I know I can’t beat myself up over forever when I truly think about but it’s so hard to get out of the dark place it puts me in 

some days I’m able to feel like I’ve forever myself but as soon as I get to a point where things might be looking good for me it comes back and reminds me that I’m not good enough for anything positive to happen for me . So sometimes I’d rather just accept that it’s the way things are now and I have to live like this forever..

sorry if I’m rambling but I thought you may like to know my thoughts and feelings during my low points .

but I’m going to take your advice and start activity trying to better myself 

thank you ❤️

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Lily4 said:

 it’s so hard to get out of the dark place it puts me in.

You need to see a physician and discuss your self loathing, guilt, feelings of worthlessness, obsessions, depression, anxiety, ruminating and poor mental health. 

At some level you know you're not ready for a relationship because of depressive feelings. This has zero to do with a dumb mistake dating a married guy years ago.

This has to do with unrecognized untreated mental health problems.

Dumping this unnessary baggage on this guy is your way of sabotaging things because at some level you know you're not ready for a relationship until you address your physical and mental health.

In fact the same untreated unrecognized mental health problems and "dark place" is what lead you to pursue a dark situation. Unavailable people choose other unavailable people.

You're still unavailable because you're still pushing people away. Especially now that you met someone decent. It means you would have to be in a healthier place. And you're trying to sabotage it.

 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Lily4 said:

I get so lost in self loathing that I want to just let myself go as a human being 

but that’s not who I am and that’s not who I want to be I know I can’t beat myself up over forever when I truly think about but it’s so hard to get out of the dark place it puts me in 

some days I’m able to feel like I’ve forever myself but as soon as I get to a point where things might be looking good for me it comes back and reminds me that I’m not good enough for anything positive to happen for me . So sometimes I’d rather just accept that it’s the way things are now and I have to live like this forever..

sorry if I’m rambling but I thought you may like to know my thoughts and feelings during my low points

You don't do activity to better yourself -it's to regain perspective.  It's not overwhelming because you do it in baby steps.  Look up Martha Beck books and articles. 

How about indulging -because it is indulging -in the pity party five minutes a day where you can do all the self loathing you want.  Be in your negative comfort zone.  We all have low points for various reasons. It's how you choose to react (tool box I suggested).  Then when the timer goes off after five minutes -no more pity party.  

If you're so self-absorbed in your self loathing you're not going to be able to be present for your partner. Love is much more about giving than a feeling and you give from a desire to give, from being inspired to give.  One reason for that inspiration is you want your partner to feel good about himself the way you feel good about yourself. 

My son sees me making him wait for non-emergency requests or something he "has to tell me" if I've just sat down with my coffee and breakfast (after making his!).  I show him how I take care of myself -I take a couple of minutes to eat normally, have my coffee -right then talking or getting up to do yet something else is not ok with me. 

Seems like I'm being a bad mom to some -right -shouldn't I jump every time he "needs" something?  No.  He sees someone who takes care of herself too. That engenders respect.  I am giving to him because I am giving him space to also say "not now mom, I'm (fill in taking care of ones needs)" - otherwise your boyfriend will see you seeking his approval, acting self-deprecating and be turned off -because he'll feel like he has to jump for you too - it's a turn off when people are doormats. Self loathing leads to that.

Same for you -if your new boyfriend sees you regarding yourself negatively, being in the doldrums, being self-deprecating (even though he doesn't know "why") - he won't be inspired to treat you with respect, to give to you - he'll see you trying to please him too much -to overcompensate for you not being "good enough" or "deserving".  It's all a balance- not black and white/set in stone -but the balance is easier if you're reasonably secure in yourself.  

[Lily4]

On 2/7/2022 at 6:45 AM, Batya33 said:

You don't do activity to better yourself -it's to regain perspective.  It's not overwhelming because you do it in baby steps.  Look up Martha Beck books and articles. 

How about indulging -because it is indulging -in the pity party five minutes a day where you can do all the self loathing you want.  Be in your negative comfort zone.  We all have low points for various reasons. It's how you choose to react (tool box I suggested).  Then when the timer goes off after five minutes -no more pity party.  

If you're so self-absorbed in your self loathing you're not going to be able to be present for your partner. Love is much more about giving than a feeling and you give from a desire to give, from being inspired to give.  One reason for that inspiration is you want your partner to feel good about himself the way you feel good about yourself. 

My son sees me making him wait for non-emergency requests or something he "has to tell me" if I've just sat down with my coffee and breakfast (after making his!).  I show him how I take care of myself -I take a couple of minutes to eat normally, have my coffee -right then talking or getting up to do yet something else is not ok with me. 

Seems like I'm being a bad mom to some -right -shouldn't I jump every time he "needs" something?  No.  He sees someone who takes care of herself too. That engenders respect.  I am giving to him because I am giving him space to also say "not now mom, I'm (fill in taking care of ones needs)" - otherwise your boyfriend will see you seeking his approval, acting self-deprecating and be turned off -because he'll feel like he has to jump for you too - it's a turn off when people are doormats. Self loathing leads to that.

Same for you -if your new boyfriend sees you regarding yourself negatively, being in the doldrums, being self-deprecating (even though he doesn't know "why") - he won't be inspired to treat you with respect, to give to you - he'll see you trying to please him too much -to overcompensate for you not being "good enough" or "deserving".  It's all a balance- not black and white/set in stone -but the balance is easier if you're reasonably secure in yourself.  

Hello , I’m sorry I didn’t reply to you sooner but I’ve really been thinking a lot about my situation and what you said and some things are becoming a bit more clear to me about what I did in the past . 
I still feel awful about it but it’s something I did in the past and I’ve been thinking of how much worse it could have been . I can’t imagine if we actually tried to have a relationship that would have eventually led to sex and so much wrong that it makes me happy to know that none of that ever happened and that I put an end to it before it got that far . It’s something that I wish I never allowed and I wish I had stopped before it even started but I’m able to look at the positive sides to and not just beat myself down and want to hate myself.. I do care for myself.. I’m working being able to live myself as well because I’ve in my current relationship that it’s not easy to love others when we can’t love ourselves.. but I just want to thank you for this advice and helping not become depressed and miserable over this . Thank you so much 

i almost can’t thank you enough 

[Batya33]

You're welcome! The issue is not telling your boyfriend -what you did wasn't positive at all but it doesn't mean you're not a good person or a person who would make that mistake again.  I'm glad I could help and that others could too.  

[spinstermanquee]

On 2/3/2022 at 4:22 PM, Lily4 said:

I also believe that my boyfriend should know the person he is in love with I think it should be his choice to stay with someone who did the things I did or to leave me .  You know ? 

Here is what I know from my many years on the planet:

You are the sum total of all your experiences, good bad or indifferent.  You made many choices.  Those all made you the person you are today, the person your mate loves.

The past is the past.  If you need to unburden yourself you might try what I did.  I sat my lover down when things got serious, and I opened a question window (I had a pretty dicey past).  Anything he wanted to know about my past experiences I would answer.  He had no questions, and he gave me a version of paragraph 2 above, which just made me love him more.

Give it a chance.  If you're so busy looking at the mud puddles you stepped in back there, you'll miss the ones you're about to step in ahead of you.  LET IT GO GIRL!  <3<3<3