Hard time trusting bf, but he gets nasty

[Drainedemotion]

Hello… I am 35 and he is 50.  He has always acted younger.  When I was first with him, I found he had messaged another girl he worked with sending motivational quotes about working out and getting in shape.  
also found he was messaging a friend from high school for 2 weeks ( hiding it from me) 

he has always told me he’s not Like other guys blah blah.  
things have gotten bad lately.  I obviously have trust issues now.  He works in a hospital, so when I get Mad I say he’s prob trying to talk to nurses or something.

he hid a text from me the other night- a nurse sent him a message about something he was working on ( not a big deal if he wouldn’t have hid it). Then 2 days later he’s at this hospital to fix it ( again not telling me that’s where he went to work that day). So I got upset and questioned it. 
he flipped out. Came home. Took my phone. Said he was taking it to the cops or my parents house for me to get. Was yelling in my face. Saying he doesn’t talk to anyone else etc.  

Idk what to do anymore. I almost let hi. Leave, but I think he gets me this upset so I beg him not to go ( I think he does this purposely). What do I do??? I know this sounds crazy.  I think I need oit if this relationship but I’m scared 

[Drainedemotion]

Then he gets mad saying I don’t show him love and affection anymore.  I’m drained honestly… it’s so hard

then after these fights , he tells me how perfect I am and beautiful etc etc…

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, Drainedemotion said:

 he flipped out. Came home. Took my phone. Said he was taking it to the cops or my parents house for me to get. Was yelling in my face. 

Do you live together? This is an abusive relationship.

Is this the same man?:

 

[Drainedemotion]

29 minutes ago, Drainedemotion said:

Then he gets mad saying I don’t show him love and affection anymore.  I’m drained honestly… it’s so hard

then after these fights , he tells me how perfect I am and beautiful etc etc…

Yes. Live together   Yes same guy. Ugh!!!   Idk how to reply to your comment   

[Drainedemotion]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you live together? This is an abusive relationship.

Is this the same man?:

 

Last year broke my rib and ankle  but says he was defending himself ( saying I attacked him first). Mind you I was 120 pounds. He is 270.   Am I crazy?  

[Jibralta]

35 minutes ago, Drainedemotion said:

Am I crazy?

You are crazy for staying!! Get out of there permanently. 

[Rose Mosse]

Ignore the sweet talking and focus on his actions. If they’re threatening, violent and gaslighting you it’s abusive. Devise a plan to leave and don’t question yourself anymore. 

 

[Wiseman2]

59 minutes ago, Drainedemotion said:

Last year broke my rib and ankle  but says he was defending himself ( saying I attacked him first). Mind you I was 120 pounds. He is 270.

Whose place is it? Do you co-own/co-lease? Ask for help from friends and family to extricate yourself. 

Next time call the police and get a restraining order. Better yet get out so there won't be a next time.

In fact you can guarantee there will be a next time and worse if you choose to stay.

Are drugs or alcohol involved in these physical fights? Why are you involved with him? 

[Drainedemotion]

It’s my home…the thing is though he blames it on me… always turns it around and says it’s me that started it etc… no drugs or alcohol.  Our relationship started out good… 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Drainedemotion said:

It’s my home…

Excellent. Give him adequate legal notice and get a restraining order and have the locks changed.

Tell friends and family about the broken bones and abuse. Get a roommate and a guard dog. Have the police there when he removes his things.

[Drainedemotion]

Is there any way he could say I hit him, or abused him first and he was defending himself?   This seems crazy to me, but again I’m still afraid… he took my phone the other day and I missed a call from my boss… I was working from home at the time…

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Drainedemotion said:

he took my phone the other day and I missed a call from my boss… I was working from home at the time…

You need to get him out. If you can't wait for a formal eviction get a restraining order against him. Then the police will escort him to collect his belonging and if comes near you he'll be arrested.

As far as he said/she said, what did you tell the ER doctors about your broken bones? Was he injured in this altercation? Of course you should have had him arrested for assault at that time.

Call a domestic hotline about questions specific to your situation. The longer you stay the higher your risk for mental, physical and financial damages.

[Jibralta]

31 minutes ago, Drainedemotion said:

Is there any way he could say I hit him, or abused him first and he was defending himself?

Yes. He can say whatever he wants to say. What does it matter what he says? The point is for you to get out of a bad situation. 

[Drainedemotion]

42 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need to get him out. If you can't wait for a formal eviction get a restraining order against him. Then the police will escort him to collect his belonging and if comes near you he'll be arrested.

As far as he said/she said, what did you tell the ER doctors about your broken bones? Was he injured in this altercation? Of course you should have had him arrested for assault at that time.

Call a domestic hotline about questions specific to your situation. The longer you stay the higher your risk for mental, physical and financial damages.

I lied and said I rolled my ankle and fell on my bed frame to break rib.  He did not get hurt. 

[smackie9]

Passive/aggressive/gaslighting/projecting. Run for the hills!

[HeartGoesOn]

1 hour ago, Drainedemotion said:

I lied and said I rolled my ankle and fell on my bed frame to break rib.  He did not get hurt. 

You just gave him the green light to continue to abuse you without having to face any consequences.

Keep in mind that if they hit you once, they'll hit you again, as well as having the potential of escalating.  Please don't feel that you're the exception to the rule...you're not.

[SooSad33]

Yes, you need to get out of this!  All forms of abuse.. and you're accepting it 😕 

Put aside the fact of him 'talking' to other women... and manipulators do this.. Try to make YOU crazy. In the end it doesn't matter that he's talking to a woman or 2.. Is how he treats you.

Can you go to your parents for a bit, tell them how hes being and inform police that it's YOUR place & you want him out now.  Do not return until he's gone & change your locks, etc.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Drainedemotion said:

I lied and said I rolled my ankle and fell on my bed frame to break rib.  He did not get hurt. 

Ok you may have been  in shock or ashamed, but it's not to late to start you plan to extricate him from your life. Be frank with your doctors, trusted family and friends. 

Do not argue with him. Act bland. Simply start severing finances, get him off all your accounts, change passwords to all your accounts, devices or anything he has access to.

Do not give him the heads up or time to plead. Google "cycle of violence". Read up on abusive relationships. Reconnect to people you trust. 

 

[melancholy123]

7 hours ago, Drainedemotion said:

Last year broke my rib and ankle  but says he was defending himself ( saying I attacked him first). Mind you I was 120 pounds. He is 270.   Am I crazy?  

Tell me what is so great about this abusive bully that you stay with him?  I'd be out of there so fast you would;dnt see me for the dust.  You need to leave before he kills you.  This is a sick relationship.  Dont tell me you love him, this isn't love.

[Drainedemotion]

Thank you all.  When do I tell him?  Through a text?  Like while I’m at work or something?  Idk how to bring it up.  
also if I tell my drs I wasn’t sure if they had to report that?  I don’t want to report it, just get away from it 

[Jibralta]

You should reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. 

800.799.SAFE (7233) 

https://www.thehotline.org/

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Drainedemotion said:

.  When do I tell him?  Through a text?  Like while I’m at work or something?  

Tell him what? You need to make All the necessary arrangements to evict/remove him from your house first. 

That means being honest with trusted friends and family about the abuse and enlisting their help.

Don't be foolish. A breakup text won't change him. You can't fix him. He won't unbreak your bones or become a decent person because of a breakup text .

You don't need a women's shelter because it's your house. You need a restraining order, changed locks, changed passwords and severing accounts and financial ties.

You don't tell him anything. You give him adequate legal Written notice to vacate the premises. That's it. You don't negotiate. Or haggle or argue.

You tell him a roommate friend or family member is moving in an he has x days to vacate. Be bland and neutral. 

The number one focus is to get him out of your house. Not how to break up.

The break-up is not worth talking about. Once you have appropriately removed him from your house, you delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. If there's a problem you call the police.

[Drainedemotion]

Ok. Thank you so much 

[catfeeder]

On 1/22/2022 at 8:17 AM, Jibralta said:

You are crazy for staying!! Get out of there permanently. 

I second this. Contact your local women's shelter for a counseling session with someone who can help you, or go to domestic violence.org for a referral to someone local to you who can help. Or, contact your local hospital for an appointment with a case worker who can organize the right people and resources to help you.

Meanwhile, I'd stop policing him. He's not relationship material, so whatever his forms of disloyalty beyond hitting you are irrelevant in the larger picture.

Get AWAY from him.