Dating a cancer patient… who is also a total jerk??

[Andrina]

4 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

 2 different men . Have had on again off again but mostly on again involvement w the married guy for 5 years. We weren’t speaking during the time I met cancer patient

 

Here is my update. As always I told married man that if he continues to hide my existence from everyone and refuse a relationship with me… oh yeah and tell me “thank you” when I say I love him… then I’ll not owe or give him any explanations about dating other people. I went out with cancer patient last night and he walked me to my car and hugged/kissed me good night. Married man was stalking me, didn’t see him doing it and he’d lied saying he was elsewhere then out of nowhere started messaging that he had been secretly watching me. and went off the rails about how I obviously don’t really love him and that I’m a c*nt. He pressed me to still meet him this morning. I said if he didn’t love me back after almost 5 years and didn’t want a relationship W me then I didn’t want to see him in any capacity. Finally I met up w him this morning and he told me I’m a liar b*tch who obviously doesn’t love him if I can kiss anothrt man. I said he had explicitly stated he didn’t want a relationship w me and I should move on and do what I want. He continued berating and shaming me. I left without a word

In my crystal ball, I see this story as fodder for 48 Hours Mystery or Dateline. Oh, what a tangled web we weave…

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

I met up w him this morning and he told me I’m a liar b*tch 

What, exactly, do you get out of some stray cat who comes around and talks trash at you?

[Kansasbbq10]

On 8/6/2022 at 7:48 AM, Wiseman2 said:

What, exactly, do you get out of some stray cat who comes around and talks trash at you?

It’s disturbing isn’t it?! My father is as meek as they come. Would never dream of speaking to my mother like that. But I get off on it. When this guy becomes unhinged and impassioned because he saw me kiss someone else (even though it was through stalking unknown to me and even though he’s clearly always refused commitment or title with me, is still technically married, for goodness sake , so I have every right), I get off on it bc I see that he cares. When he speaks to me angrily it’s like immediately borderline arousing. And I just take it all to mean something he’s said to me in exactly these words- he cares about me as much as he could ever care about anyone considering he has a personality disorder 

[Jaunty]

Well, you definitely have a pattern:  pick men who are absolutely incapable of giving you what you feel you need (and entitled to) in a relationship, and then berate them for not giving you what you feel you need and entitled to in a relationship.  

Now you have two of these going on simultaneously.  Is this "success"?

[boltnrun]

Would you find the cancer patient more exciting if he screamed at you and called you the "c" word and the "b" word?

Also, you called him a total jerk but it seems you're attracted to total jerks. So him being a jerk is a good thing, no?

[MissCanuck]

Why are you even bothering dating this man who's recovering from cancer?

You're clearly hooked on the married man. Leave the new guy alone so he can find someone who has her emotional cards sorted and isn't playng toxic games with another man. 

[Kansasbbq10]

30 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Why are you even bothering dating this man who's recovering from cancer?

You're clearly hooked on the married man. Leave the new guy alone so he can find someone who has her emotional cards sorted and isn't playng toxic games with another man. 

I mean, I don’t want to spend nights wondering why toxic married man gets to stalk and shame me for even coming near a guy who wants to properly date me… while he turns up intermittently when not with his wife back home or doing whatever else causes him to be away all the time here. He never makes me a priority and it does get boring and taxing, even though our toxic interaction really is exciting to me

[catfeeder]

On 8/5/2022 at 1:47 PM, Kansasbbq10 said:

When I try to move on to other guys he shouts at me and calls me a c*nt and b**ch for thinking I could be with anyone else 

... and this has kept you returning TO him why?

That makes no sense. Healthy people walk away from mistreatment, not toward it.

Now you're setting up cancer guy as a target for danger. Are you for real?

 

[boltnrun]

30 minutes ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

I mean, I don’t want to spend nights wondering why toxic married man gets to stalk and shame me for even coming near a guy who wants to properly date me… while he turns up intermittently when not with his wife back home or doing whatever else causes him to be away all the time here. He never makes me a priority and it does get boring and taxing, even though our toxic interaction really is exciting to me

So the cancer patient is just something you do to distract yourself from wondering what abusive married guy is doing?

Does the cancer patient know about this?

[Kansasbbq10]

27 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So the cancer patient is just something you do to distract yourself from wondering what abusive married guy is doing?

Does the cancer patient know about this?

Yes, he does know. He knows there has been a lot of ongoing, ahem, involvement and that I’d actually seen married guy within a day of cancer patient asking me to get together for the first time since he got well. In fact I completely refused to speak to married guy during the time I was dating cancer patient previously, only resumed when cancer patient clearly told me he only had the capacity to be friends while very sick in treatment (though he’d said that could definitely change later and I guess now it may be?)

[Capricorn3]

5 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

It’s disturbing isn’t it?!  But I get off on it. When this guy becomes unhinged and impassioned because he saw me kiss someone else (even though it was through stalking unknown to me and even though he’s clearly always refused commitment or title with me, is still technically married, for goodness sake , so I have every right), I get off on it bc I see that he cares. When he speaks to me angrily it’s like immediately borderline arousing. And I just take it all to mean something he’s said to me in exactly these words- he cares about me as much as he could ever care about anyone considering he has a personality disorder 

Yes, I would agree it's very disturbing.  I strongly advise you look into professional therapy a.s.a.p. because if anyone here in your story has issues it would be you.  As others have noted, there are so many holes in this story it makes one wonder.  Please look into therapy, the sooner the better.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

. When he speaks to me angrily it’s like immediately borderline arousing. 

So any attention, even abuse is what you crave? Is this a BDSM situation?

[Batya33]

Will it be exciting for you when you experience the downsides -risks of STDs, having a baby with this married man, his wife or her male friends/relatives deciding to take the self help route and come after you? One of my closest friends wasted 4 years of her life in her 20s chasing after and having an affair with a married man.  After she ended things she met the love of her life and they got engaged a year or so later.  She was so excited and looking forward to starting a family with him.  Lovely guy.  A few months after they got engaged she was diagnosed with late stage cancer. 

They got married anyway and she died 2 years later.  Just imagine this -how many years she wasted of the short time she had left to inspire this world and she was an inspiration (yes, she definitely made a mistake interfering in a marriage, she ended things and I believe she felt badly re: her part -she was single, he was a couple of years older).  Imagine what huge percentage of her life she wasted on her married man -who fathered a child with his wife during their affair by the way.  Think about it before you keep pursuing these thrills of yours.  And yes get therapy.

[reinventmyself]

14 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

 I get off on it bc I see that he cares. When he speaks to me angrily it’s like immediately borderline arousing. And I just take it all to mean something he’s said to me in exactly these words- he cares about me as much as he could ever care about anyone considering he has a personality disorder 

Yikes!   His acting out is nothing more than a reflection of how unstable he is.  This isn't at all about how much he cares. It's about his ego.  He called you a c*. right?  

Consider some therapy.  If this is how you measure feeling loved, then you are a target for more abuse.

[boltnrun]

PS: someone calling you degrading names and acting possessive isn't a sign of love. It's a sign of an emotionally immature, self absorbed person who views others as their property and their playthings. 

I find it strange the cancer patient is choosing to spend his precious life being used to make another man jealous, but if that's his jam then so be it.