Ex girlfriend help

[R9fenomeno]

It's been 3 years since my ex broke up with me. We dated for 7 years. We had a good relationship but definitely could've communicated better. When we split, she wanted to remain friends but it was too difficult for me so I told her I didn't want that. 
 

so basically, 3 years into no contact and I reach out... I've grown a lot but I still think about her daily. We had a nice convo and I ended the 4 day long text session saying "blah, blah, blah... we should stay in touch." 
 

she replied " yea I'd love that!!! ☺️ So good to hear from you" 

that response was honestly way better than I expected but does it mean anything? Do I even try to pursuer her again or do I leave it up to her? 

[Batya33]

I don't think so if neither of you tried to see the other in 4 days of texting.  My ex fiancee and I got back together after 7 years apart.  We saw each other 3 times in person platonically over a 4 week period and then we decided to get back together.  The first two times I had no idea it was anything other than platonic catching up (although I felt sparks -strong sparks! -really took me by surprise). 

But I'll tell you that when we decided to get back together no one had to read into any signs -it was a fairly short conversation -he asked me, I said yes, and we quickly discussed that we were on the same page as far as what we were looking for.  That was 16 years and five months ago.  He's watching Celebrity price is right right now.  I definitely got the best deal at the right price LOL.  

So I would say - she's up for being in casual touch.  If you really want to know, ask to see her in person and see how it goes.  I don't think she's going to initiate that.  Are you sure she is single?

[R9fenomeno]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think so if neither of you tried to see the other in 4 days of texting.  My ex fiancee and I got back together after 7 years apart.  We saw each other 3 times in person platonically over a 4 week period and then we decided to get back together.  The first two times I had no idea it was anything other than platonic catching up (although I felt sparks -strong sparks! -really took me by surprise). 

But I'll tell you that when we decided to get back together no one had to read into any signs -it was a fairly short conversation -he asked me, I said yes, and we quickly discussed that we were on the same page as far as what we were looking for.  That was 16 years and five months ago.  He's watching Celebrity price is right right now.  I definitely got the best deal at the right price LOL.  

So I would say - she's up for being in casual touch.  If you really want to know, ask to see her in person and see how it goes.  I don't think she's going to initiate that.  Are you sure she is single?

Good for you! It's cool to hear it's possible for people to reunite stronger after some time passes. 
 

I think she is single, we're both loners but I really don't know. We're both hermits. I completely deleted her after the breakup. I threw everything out, even the $600 guitar she bought me 1 month before she left. It was very sudden and she completely detached herself from me. We're young, she was 23 and I was 25 at the time. I tried talking and fixing whatever it was but she put no effort forth. She said "I made up my mind" and there was no interest in even talking about the situation. She would get frustrated and mean. She showed zero interest in even talking about any problems we might have had. 

Id love to ask her for a platonic meet up but part of me feels like a fool for even allowing someone like that back in my life. What good is someone that could walk away from me so easily? However, I still love her and would love nothing more than us reuniting mutually.  
 

 

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, R9fenomeno said:

Id love to ask her for a platonic meet up but part of me feels like a fool for even allowing someone like that back in my life. What good is someone that could walk away from me so easily? However, I still love her and would love nothing more than us reuniting mutually.  

I feel was maybe not such a good idea to reach out again no matter how long it's been.

Because YOU still have feelings and it's been 3 yrs now. So, this just brings it all back again 😕 .

A lot can change in 3 years.  I am sure you have both changed some ( especially from this experience).  Eg, yes, she may be involved again.... You may be more unsure about her now- fearing she could do a repeat, etc.

Her saying how good it was to hear from you doesn't mean a lot, as I'm sure you two definitely had feelings for each other, being involved that long --- but things ended for reasons..right?

I suggest you just keep it cool and carry on now... as it was YOU who reached out, not her.  So don't get your hopes up too high, just because you did this.

I've got ex's would be more than happy if I were to reach out sometime ( even though they've moved on)..- but because so much damage was done & I was hurt, I can not - even agree to 'be friends'.  Nothing. If it's done, it's done ( I say 'all or nothing'). 

So, leave it be now.  See If she reaches out again and if it's too much for you to continues just as friends, just admit it.. and if you two do end up having a heart to heart talk, let her know if she doesn't want to consider trying again, is best for you to continue on. ( but do make note, often couple's are not able to make it work the second time around due to issue's). 

 

[lostandhurt]

Do you want to try again with her or not?

Seems like you are holding a grudge for her dumping you.  That doesn't seem like much growth on your part does it?

First decide if you are strong enough to see her in person and be okay with her having a bf or not being interested in any type of romantic anything with you.

If you are then ask her to coffee to catch up and see what happens naturally.

No expectations, no plan,  no imagined outcomes.  Just coffee and catching up.

 Lost

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, R9fenomeno said:

,3 years into no contact and I reach out... 

she replied ☺️ So good to hear from you" 

Sorry this is happening. What was the breakup about?

After 3 years it's time to move forward. 

She is merely being polite because you reached out. She doesn't want to reconcile.

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, R9fenomeno said:

I tried talking and fixing whatever it was but she put no effort forth. She said "I made up my mind" and there was no interest in even talking about the situation. She would get frustrated and mean. She showed zero interest in even talking about any problems we might have had. 

Why would you even want to reconcile with somebody like that? Usually the side that is being dumped has those thoughts about getting together again. Other side, well, they are detached way before that. Which she showed you with her behavior then.

Bottom line is, I dont believe she wants to reconcile now. And I wouldnt take hers "I would love to catch up" for nothing more then pleasentries. OK, if you want to see her after all those years, do it. Just set you bar very low with expectations.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Why would you even want to reconcile with somebody like that? Usually the side that is being dumped has those thoughts about getting together again. Other side, well, they are detached way before that. Which she showed you with her behavior then.

Bottom line is, I dont believe she wants to reconcile now. And I wouldnt take hers "I would love to catch up" for nothing more then pleasentries. OK, if you want to see her after all those years, do it. Just set you bar very low with expectations.

Based on the follow up I think you just leave it be.  Getting back together is hard enough without resentment and bad feelings.My sense is you want to know if she still wants you more than you actually want to be with her.

[Andrina]

15 hours ago, R9fenomeno said:

I tried talking and fixing whatever it was but she put no effort forth. She said "I made up my mind" and there was no interest in even talking about the situation. She would get frustrated and mean. She showed zero interest in even talking about any problems we might have had. 

Id love to ask her for a platonic meet up but part of me feels like a fool for even allowing someone like that back in my life. What good is someone that could walk away from me so easily?

I don't see that walking away was done so easily. She stayed for 7 years. By the point you wanted to fix things when you saw things as dire, all the problems had already killed all the love she'd once had, and to her, it was too late.

Within so many days of texting, I as a woman, if interested would think: He made the effort to reconnect. Perhaps we've both grown and now know how to be better partners. Let me get to the bottom of this, since he seems shy about broaching the subject. Do we want to give this another shot?

Doesn't sound like that happened.

As for me, I've never once gone back with an ex. I'd rather risk my heart on someone new. But if you're intent on giving this a go, ask her to meet if she wants to discuss dating. I'd lay it all out there, because that's what you want. But only if you can treat it as a fresh slate, a wait-and-see attitude, just as you would with someone new. Enjoy each moment as enjoying someone's company in the present, without projecting to the future.

A final note: Very often, when one is not happy in the present, one often looks to the past to find it there. There are some successes in that area, but they are in the minority. If you want to gamble with the odds stacked against you, go for it.

[R9fenomeno]

Thank you all so much for your thoughts! I really appreciate it, the non-bias opinions are extremely helpful!! 

 

 

I really don't know why she left me. She wouldn't tell me anything. The only thing she said was "i don't go out enough, we're young and she had a gut feeling". I was in disbelief! I've never been so blind sided lol! It's so unfortunate that she let things get that bad. (From her point of view, I am by NO means perfect, but I'm always willing to listen and try) It also hurts that she obviously didn't feel close enough to talk to me about these troubles after 7 years... 

 

I DEFIANTLY hold grudges haha! Not my best trait and I'm really trying to work on that. I'm very quiet and shy.. It's just so hard for me to be cool with someone after they hurt me. Especially when it's someone close to me like she was. We were inseparable, which probably hurt us towards the end. 

 

 

I was going through a rough time the last few years. I graduated college and had no clue what to do... I didn't have a good job, I had no money and I was still dealing with the death of my father. (One day after school I came home and found him on the floor after a fatal heart attack) 

 

I have grown since then and bettered myself which I am proud of. Ive saved a substantial amount of money, got a very well paying/fulfilling job, quite smoking weed and as soon as I find a house I'm buying it!! I'm truely wayyy happier and content with my life and self now. Of course I still get down but who doesn't? I guess I'd just really love an opportunity to work together with her and fully commit to building a stronger relationship. Especially now with where I am at in life. I just didn't want to give up on what we had. We could finally travel, get a nice place, and actually do things! Eh idk, I just miss her. Batya33 you're probably right. I probably reached out to see if she felt the same way.. my intentions weren't to ask her to meet. I didn't want to put that back on her. If she wanted that she'd say so... 

sorry for the long message ha but I do appreciate the thoughts and helpful advice. 

[boltnrun]

I'm so sorry about your dad. I walked into my mother's apartment to find her passed away so I do empathize.

I would imagine everything you'd been through made you feel like reconciling with your ex would make things better. But you're several years removed from one another and are not the same people you were before.

It sounds like things are going well for you currently. I bet you could meet someone new who wouldn't bring back bad feelings from the past. 

[Caesar45]

Well this is a complicated situation I mean you had a very long relationship than you never talked at all wow thats weird.

But still you can test the waters there is no harm in it unless you lose yourself in past memories.