A rhetorical question - no, really it is

[angelpie]

The man I was chatting with for a few months started the sex talk by telling me he had made a visit to a "massage parlor" in another town, spent $400 there. He wanted to tell me a blow-by-blow, but I politely stopped him and said I didn't want to hear it. He got angry.

This man is over 65, has a wife with Alzheimer's who is still well enough to be on Facebook and to play games on iPad and do crossword puzzles, so not wholly incapacitated yet. Even if that weren't so, they've been married for 35 years.

When he said that he had realized that chatting with me was cheating on his wife, I asked him if it was, why was being with prostitutes not cheating on his wife? (We were NOT sexting, just to make that clear) He said "Because I don't want to be with them forever. They're just temporary." He also said that they were not "w***res" because he did not actually have intercourse with them.

So my question is, how many of you feel like using prostitutes is not cheating on your partner? How many feel that sexting is not cheating? To me, that would mean that to some men, a quick hookup is not cheating either. I'm in my 60s, so I came from a time when morals about sex were much, much different.

 

[Seraphim]

To me all of this is cheating even chatting to people while married if the partner knows nothing about it. I am mid 50’s for reference. 

[angelpie]

12 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

To me all of this is cheating even chatting to people while married if the partner knows nothing about it. I am mid 50’s for reference. 

Yes, I felt that way too after our chats got more personal. I tried to break it off with him several times because I told him it was a bad situation, and all our chats were doing was taking what time he had left with  his wife away from her. It somehow felt worse because she was not herself. It only lasted a few months, and I'm glad it's over. I would be FURIOUS if I found out that some woman was having the kind of chats we were having (personal, but not sexual). I feel really bad about it.

[Rose Mosse]

You don’t need to be determining what’s moral or just for him and his wife. And sidestep very nonsense debates about what constitutes cheating with a cheater as that conversation will undoubtedly go nowhere as goal posts and boundaries constantly shift. 

Focus on what your limits are and if it involves something as simple and basic as consideration for others, then so be it.

I’m glad you ended it especially as you were so disturbed and unsettled. Hopefully you’ve now set new boundaries for yourself from this experience and won’t spend any effort with individuals like him.

[Batya33]

Echoing what Rose said.  Stay in your lane, none of your business.  I know of couples who agree to be swingers, who are fine with the other going to sex parlors, whatever -it's their business.  His wife has Alzheimers but maybe she agreed to that or also did that when she was healthy.  But you didn't agree to hear about it -so have appropriate boundaries and tell him "change the topic or I'm ending this call. 

Resist the urge to get all moralistic especially when it is none of your business -guess what -I'm in my 50s and in the 70s and 80s there was tons of casual sex going on and tons of partying in clubs I went to (I danced my behind off at many of those clubs but didn't partake in sex or drugs or alcohol -just "rock n roll").  Morals have not changed as you put it.  You just happen to know people who married in the 70s and 80s who are faithful to each other and who are not the sort to be ok with an open marriage, etc.  

If he wants to share blow by blow he's not that into you.  Certainly if you were both into porn then he might be into you as far as this would be an activity you did together -sexting, watching porn together, etc.  But he knows you're not so he's getting his jollies trying to share details with someone he knows is so "innocent".  

He's not a good match for you as a chat buddy so I'd move on.  Good luck.

[Jibralta]

12 hours ago, angelpie said:

So my question is, how many of you feel like using prostitutes is not cheating on your partner? How many feel that sexting is not cheating?

I think the better question to contemplate is, "Why am I spending any time chatting with a person like this?"

[reinventmyself]

3 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I think the better question to contemplate is, "Why am I spending any time chatting with a person like this?"

or - why am I spending months chatting with an otherwise married man and judging him for cheating?

You mention trying to break it off.  Either you choose to do it, or you don't.  

[catfeeder]

20 hours ago, angelpie said:

So my question is, how many of you feel like using prostitutes is not cheating on your partner? How many feel that sexting is not cheating?

Since my interest in having private conversations with a married man would already be a clear zero, I wouldn't be around to entertain whatever some disloyal douchebag would regard as cheating.

When I keep my eyes on my own paper, there's no need to debate whether another's marriage vows included the words "in sickness and in health."

[melancholy123]

Is this the same guy your other post is about?

[Batya33]

Also who cares about the label - whether it's adultery or "cheating" or "emotionally cheating" -it's not consistent with being in a marriage or committed exclusive relationship unless the couple has some sort of arrangement or agreement. 

I knew of a couple where they were married for many years and the wife developed ALS.  She went on to live for many years.  They had kids (who were mostly grown or grown by that point).  He did not divorce her for financial reasons but he met a woman and they were together for many years - his mistress. I met her too a number of times. Nice person.  I also met his wife.  I know his kids had difficulties with this and I have no idea if the wife agreed to it- or if she really could. 

Did I judge?  I mean I felt badly the kids felt badly - horrible situation - but I stopped myself from getting all judgey because I didn't have all the facts, his wife's health care/lifestyle as it was was well taken care of, etc.  There are so many permutations of this that it's best to stay in your lane and not waste time labeling and deal with situations that directly affect you.  This does not -you've inserted yourself into this situation where you're interacting with a person who you don't respect and who is not treating you with respect.  You can make a different choice.

[smackie9]

It's unusual because men see having sex outside the marriage is cheating, but since emotional affairs are not physical, then it's a pass.

This guy is making up his own rules. Don't want to follow his rules? Then stop talking to him.

 

[boltnrun]

I would ask myself if I would want my own husband behaving the way this man is behaving.  Would you feel good about that?  If not, then don't participate.

[waffle]

Are you married as well?  How is it that you are chatting with a married man?  How did you "meet" him?  On a dating site or a site like Ashley Madison or similar?

Incidentally, there are a lot of men in the dating pool who claim to have a terminally ill wife.  That makes it more acceptable to many women when you're looking for a side piece.

[boltnrun]

7 minutes ago, waffle said:

Are you married as well?  How is it that you are chatting with a married man?  How did you "meet" him?  On a dating site or a site like Ashley Madison or similar?

Incidentally, there are a lot of men in the dating pool who claim to have a terminally ill wife.  That makes it more acceptable to many women when you're looking for a side piece.

She said they dated in high school.  She looked him up on social media after many years.  It's all in her other thread.

[waffle]

Well then if you actively look up married men on social media to chat with then this is what you get.