Seeking opinions on my predicament

[gevets116]

Hello, I'm seeking opinions on my current situation.

I've been in a relationship for over 5 years. We are not legally married but live together and it likely appears to others as though we are married. 

We get along very well for the most part, enjoy doing things together and I have no doubt that she cares about me very much. I care very much about her too. 

However, there is hardly any intimacy. We have sex maybe once per month and even that's only out of a sense of obligation. While I don't find her unattractive, I don't ever have the desire to be intimate with her. 

Also, she is a bit older than I am and probably no longer able to have a child. Having children was never a must for me, but I am starting to think that it's something I may want. 

As I mentioned, I do care deeply about her. But I wonder sometimes if a large part of why I stay in the relationship is due to the guilt I feel for letting things get to this point when I could have anticipated these problems years ago. 

I understand and accept that I have mishandled things, but I can't change the past. I would just like some outside opinions on this situation and how others think they would address it. 

Any assistance is greatly appreciated. Thank you. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, gevets116 said:

she is a bit older than I am and probably no longer able to have a child. Having children was never a must for me, but I am starting to think that it's something I may want. 

How old is she? Is she interested in sex? How long have the intimacy problems been there? 

Is there someone else you have an interest in? 

Is it your house, her house or do you co-own/co-lease?

Are you in a rut or have you checked out and just coasting along?

Don't stay stuck out of guilt. Be kind and set her free to have a decent sex life and involved partner.

[Tinydance]

Well maybe you did love her initially and wanted the relationship to work, but I guess now you don't feel that way anymore. I don't think you should feel guilty that your feelings have changed. I guess this is why sometimes people break up - because it just wasn't meant to be and not everything lasts.

If you care for your girlfriend but you don't have any desire to be intimate, to me that sounds like the care is more just friendship. There are different types of love and I think you can still love people as a friend or like a brother or sister, but it's not romantic love. 

Also you're allowed to change your mind that now you may want kids. One of my male friends seven years ago said he doesn't want kids. Then he became a school teacher and now he's all "kids this, kids that" and now he decided he really wants them. People change sometimes and it sounds like you've just changed.

My advice would be to not prolong this relationship any longer if you don't want to be in it. The sooner you end it, the sooner your girlfriend can begin to heal and move on. And she can find someone else. Surely there are men out there who can be in love with her and actually sexually desire her. I think it's only fair that you allow her to find that.

[gevets116]

She is in her mid 40s. 

There is not a specific someone that I have an interest in, but I do find myself being attracted to others. So I don't think it's just a low sex drive thing.

We are co-leasing now. 

I wouldn't say I'm in a rut because things have been this way for a while now. I've just learned to live with it. 

 

[Kwothe28]

Its just something that happens to a lot of couples after years of dating. Initial passion has died out or just gone, you are not even that close anymore and all you have left is that longevity because you got used to each other over the years. Yes you care for her, as she is probably for you, but if you are looking at other women and especially if you want kids, there is nothing to do there but for both to find happiness somewhere else.

On the side note your story does remind me on my friend. He dated girl for 8 years, 5 of them they lived together. She was also older then him, 5 and a half years older. He also didnt see too much excitment there so he broke up. They couldnt have kids also, if they did he would maybe stay for that. Story does have a happy ending, she found another guy in Germany and even managed to get the kid with him. And friend found another fiance, they seem happy together. 

[Batya33]

Did one of  you want to get married at one point? Certainly if you now decided you want to have a child that is biologically yours and your partners she is probably past that stage.  I'm sorry you've let it go on this long.  You both deserve to be with a good match.  Good luck.

[Lambert]

Sometimes relationships end because feelings, situations,  etc change.

It's not always because some did something or you don't care. 

The good news is you're not married. You can talk to her and end things hopefully amicably.

Or at least talk about this dissatisfaction.  Maybe you can work it out together.

[adviceseeker1]

When you picture your life without her, what do you feel? Fear of change? Pain over being without her? Relief? I think you have to decide if this relationship is something you want to work on to improve or if you’d be happier moving on.  

[SooSad33]

8 hours ago, gevets116 said:

I do care deeply about her. But I wonder sometimes if a large part of why I stay in the relationship is due to the guilt I feel for letting things get to this point when I could have anticipated these problems years ago. 

How would you  truly have know about these problems.  I figure at the time, they weren't a problem.

It sounds like you've possibly fallen out of love with her?

Never stick around with someone out of guilt!  You be honest and end it all, so you can both move on with your lives.  If it's not there anymore, then admit it.

Things happen, people change.

 

[lostandhurt]

Interesting that after 5 years all you can say is that you care deeply for her.  I didn't see the word Love or In Love anywhere in your post.  That is pretty telling.

Did you ever love her?  Were you ever In Love with her?

  I am sure she wants to be with someone that wants her and not just once a month out of obligation like it is a chore.  It will hurt her but in the long run she will be better off single and able to meet someone that knows what they want.

  Be honest with yourself and stop hiding the hard truths.

  Lost

[Rose Mosse]

Having been married, legally separated and divorced, I do not assume a couple living together is married. 

I think you already know the answers to your predicament but you are doing here what you’ve done for years - looking for reasons to stay when they have all expired.

Do you have a job or income? Speak with a lawyer about your options and discuss any shared property or assets. Ask about your options and get a move on with your life. You only have one.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, gevets116 said:

 I do find myself being attracted to others. .We are co-leasing now.

Ok. At the end of the lease go your separate ways. You're just coasting along wasting both of your time.