This is Messing with my head

[Anna2983]

Hello, I don't know what am I looking for here, maybe some advice or support, either way, please be kind.

This is a long story so I'll try to shorten it

I met this guy online a year ago, we live in different cities, 3 hours away by car. At first, I ended things because I noticed he would blow hot & cold and he was giving a lot of excuses to not meet in person. A month and a half later he came back, saying he wanted to be friends and meet so he set the date for January, he said he couldn't in December because he's only free at the weekends and that's the time when he has his son.

I agreed and we resumed our chats but he was doing the same thing. We had a normal chat on New Year's eve and then he disappeared for 2 weeks until I couldn't take it anymore and I reached out to him. He said he was struggling with depression and he had his son with him and all that. As a depression sufferer myself, I tried to be understanding and we started talking again, he giving me mixed signals. We couldn't meet because we went into lockdown again. But 2 weeks later after a seemingly normal chat, he ghosted me. I tried contacting him but he ignored me.

A month after that my mum died and I was broken. Double grief, although losing my mum was obviously the worst. This guy tried to come back in April. He sent me this really long text that I couldn't read completely because he deleted it. I couldn't be bothered, I've just lost my mum and I didn't care anymore.

But in July, he definitely came back. I wanted to know why he ghosted me (at least that's what I told myself) so I allowed him back into my life. Again, we made plans to meet but oh surprise! he started blowing hot and cold. I was getting angry (finally) and then I decided to block him (again, finally). He left me alone in the middle of a panic attack I had while I was chatting with him and he updated his profile on the dating app we met after telling me how much he missed me. Maybe I was wrong in feeling that way but that certainly hurt.

As I was angry, I didn't feel bad at all, on the contrary, I felt empowered for the first time.

But, 3 motnhs later I was going through a difficult situation and I got drunk so I unblocked him (big mistake). The same as always, we started talking again and everything was great at the beginning. He was the guy I liked and we made plans to meet again and he even booked our accommodation. He seemed supportive while I was going through that difficult situation and I thought to myself "Oh, maybe things will be different this time". NO.

3 weeks ago he started to become distant again. He apologised and told me to be patient with him, that he was feeling depressed again and his work was stressing him out. Again, I tried to be supportive and understanding, even though my gut was telling me "run". I must confess that I find it hard to distinguish between the voice from my gut and the voice from my anxiety.

Then, a week ago, he apologised again for being quiet and I told him that I understood but I thought he shouldn't isolate himself because that's what depression wants. Then, while I was having my lunch break at work I saw he read my message and didn't reply. I tried not to worry about it but I could only think that history was repeating itself because that's what he used to do before disappearing: He would read my message and then he wouldn't reply and then, poof! disappeared. So this time, I decided to be upfront and I asked him if he was gonna do the same thing again. He said, "I won't be able to have great conversations right now, so what's the point?" I didn't reply to that, I was angry and I didn't know what to think. The next day I found out he's still using the dating app. Apparently, he's not too depressed to use it. I know what you will probably say, "you have no right, you don't have a relationship", yes but it still hurts so much. Especially after all the future faking and that he hinted we would be together.

Anyway, that was a week ago and he's been even more distant than ever. He switched off the blue ticks on WhatsApp, I sent him a text last night and I haven't had a reply but of course, he's been online you know where.

I know it's my fault but God, I'm so destroyed. My head is a mess and I've been trying to get angry again so I can block him for a second time but I've only managed to get sadder and sadder and I feel so small and weak. I don't know what to do.

[boltnrun]

This person has no intention of meeting you in person. He may have a wife or live in girlfriend, he might not even be a he, and their dating site profile could very well be fake.

Unfortunately people play online games for all sorts of reasons. But these people are to be avoided at all costs.

May I ask what you do for fun or leisure or relaxation? Do you have a friend group you spend time with or communicate with regularly? How about your family?

This person may sound good to you if you're lonely but they are not the solution. They are only making things worse.

I recommend blocking this person for good. Then work on developing friendships and activities that you can actually experience.

I'm sorry about your mother. I too lost my mother and know how much it affects your life.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry about the loss of your mother and so sorry you experience depression and panic attacks.  This individual (it might be more than one individual) showed you that he had no genuine intention of meeting you a very very long time ago.  So it was completely your risk to take in interacting online again since you chose to get attached to this stranger[s].  Look inward. Why did you choose to get so attached? Why did you continue tolerating flaky behavior from a stranger after the first time he flaked on you?  That's where the truth is, that's where the growth will come from . I'm sorry you're disappointed.

[Wiseman2]

Get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. You need to treat the depression anxiety grief and drinking. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Your situation has nothing to do with this troll. Getting involved with this catfish is a symptom of the loneliness helplessness ruminating and isolation you have from severe untreated depression.

 

[Kwothe28]

I would also ask why you continued to return to him after him being flacky. He literally "ghosted" you. After that you should off have no intention to even talk to somebody like that. In fact you should avoid flacky people in general. Because even if you started something with somebody like that, he would bail on you whenever he see fit. Its a certanty with people like that, they dont tend to stay around.

[SooSad33]

17 hours ago, Anna2983 said:

"I won't be able to have great conversations right now, so what's the point?" I didn't reply to that, I was angry and I didn't know what to think. The next day I found out he's still using the dating app. Apparently, he's not too depressed to use it. I know what you will probably say, "you have no right, you don't have a relationship", yes but it still hurts so much. Especially after all the future faking and that he hinted we would be together.

Anyway, that was a week ago and he's been even more distant than ever. He switched off the blue ticks on WhatsApp, I sent him a text last night and I haven't had a reply but of course, he's been online you know where.

I know it's my fault but God, I'm so destroyed. My head is a mess and I've been trying to get angry again so I can block him for a second time but I've only managed to get sadder and sadder and I feel so small and weak. I don't know what to do.

Is time YOU act and just remove him for good.. Inside you know you're getting nowhere with this guy and he's affecting you... So end all hopes and just be done!

IF someone is truly into you and able, you'll see it from them.

He is hours away and not able to give fully.. plus the hot/cold behaviour.

So, be strong and be done!

Am very sorry to hear of your loss... Take some down time for a while for YOU ❤️ .

 

[lostandhurt]

How is it that this stranger has gotten such control of your life and emotions without ever meeting in person?

At this point he is not real, just some words and pics on a screen.  Of course he is a jerk that has zero intentions of meeting you and he certainly doesn't want a relationship which is totally on him.  BUT

  You are partly at fault here for creating this imagined relationship with him in your own mind.  You have made this person something they are not and so you feel the loss and loneliness when he disappears again. 

  What are you doing in your life other than waiting for this jerk to finally come see you?

  Instead of pining over him why don't you focus on your real life.  Friends, family, work, your health (mental and physical) should be your focus, not some person jerking people around on the internet.

  How do you rid yourself of him?  Stay busy living in the real world and if you ever get lonely and want to unblock him call a friend of come here, we will talk you out of it.

Lost

[reinventmyself]

An analogy I used with my friend who kept a man in her life for years who kept lying and disappointing her.  But at the same time wanted continuous advise and consolation.

"It's no different then you choosing to play on the freeway, long after you've been run over, over and over again.  For the life of me, I don't have any advice for you anymore other than to stop playing on the freeway!! You will no longer be surprised when you keep getting run over and asking why this keeps happening"

We have a tendency to only focus on the other person actions, and invest very little time in asking ourselves why after years of someone disappointing us in the exact same way repeatedly, we don't do anything differently.  

It's powerful to take the focus off them and ask yourself some important questions. Why you don't believe you deserve better and why do you yearn the attention from someone who repeatedly disrespects and disappoints you?  What does all of this say about you? 

I swiftly remove anyone in my life who lies to me and disrespects me.  You invite them to return and stay over and over.  You invest in them emotionally and they take up valuable space in your heart and head in spite of him proving to you he doesn't deserve it.

He's no mystery.  Close the book.  He never intended on meeting you and he showed you that very early on.  But after everything you are still here wondering when he might meet you or why he won't.  Block this clown and move on. Believe you deserve better.

[MissCanuck]

All of this angst for a person you have never even met is not worth it. 

But I would dig deep and ask yourself what led you to attach yourself to stranger behind a screen. There is a lesson in here for you somewhere. 

 

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you for your loss of your Mother.

There is nothing about this keyboarder that comes off as worthy of meeting, much less spending time building fantasies about.

Involving yourself emotionally with a stranger on your screen spells enough dissatisfaction in your own life to reach for the distraction of fantasy.

As you've noticed, the fantasies you build 'about' a total stranger can wreck your head, because the mundane stuff of real life pales in comparison to the bright and exciting stuff you can make up in your own mind.

You'll need the discipline to redirect your focus onto exploring whatever real life interests or talents you've been neglecting to develop. On top of that, dealing with grief is always harder than reaching for fantasy. So consider reaching for therapeutic help or a support group, or ANY means of moving your focus onto tending to your real life.

This cyber 'thing' is just a symptom of a larger problem. Otherwise, you would not be susceptible to it.

Write more if it helps, and trust that we all learn by living.

[Tinydance]

I'm really sorry to hear about your mother's death  😞 I agree with the other posters that you sound very lonely and even sounds like you don't have many people in your life? Do you have friends or any other family? I'm also wondering like the other commenters why you put up with this guy being a jerk and ghosting you for a whole year. Did you not have anybody else to talk to?

I think it's OK to talk to someone a three hour drive away BUT only if that person is nice and treating you well, and willing to meet. The three hour distance isn't really a problem because it's not that far. But the fact that there are some HUGE red flags here is the real issue. To me it definitely seems like this guy is some kind of catfish and he has something to hide.

I think even people with depression and anxiety after a year of talking would meet in person by now. Or as a bare minimum they would video call and try to get to know each other "face to face". The fact that this guy constantly kept ghosting you, then reappearing again for a whole year, definitely means there's something very dodgy going on. You've invested so much time and energy into this and this guy wasn't even nice. Fair enough if he always replied to you consistently and sounded like a good guy, but he didn't do any of that.

Are you actually looking for a real relationship or are you just lonely and needed someone to talk to? To me it sounds like maybe you just don't have many people in your life and you "took whatever you could get". Even if you are lonely or depressed, you deserve so much better than this. Literally any person who treated you well and was there for you consistently would be better than this guy.

[Anna2983]

17 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Fair enough if he always replied to you consistently and sounded like a good guy, but he didn't do any of that.

 

Hi, thank you.

Well, that's the thing, at the beginning he would do that and he would be so attentive and it seemed like he cared. But after I fell for that he would become cold and distant again and that kind of behaviour is always confusing because I can only ask myself "what the hell happened?" and that change would happen overnight or in a matter of days.

But yeah, I know he hides something, I'm not that stupid and I just keep ruminating about what that might be, which of course, it's detrimental for my mental health.

Also, as other commenters put it, I am feeling lonely. I live abroad and most of my friends are in my country of origin. And of course, my grief plays a role here. My mum was my best friend. But this thing with this guy started a few months before she died.

I find it hard to connect with people and this guy seemed to know all the right words, at the beginning, of course.

I think I thought it was real this time because he seemed excited about us meeting up, booked the accommodation and seemed supportive during this difficult situation I was going through. Silly me, I know. I obviously fell for potential and I must say he was good at selling the dream.

I feel like an idiot because I know I'm responsible to some extent. I have (obviously) low self-esteem and a lot of wounds from my childhood, including abandonment issues. Things that I'm trying to work on but it's not easy, especially after he returns because when he does this sh*t I'm left feeling not good enough, worthless and abandoned, again. And today, writing about the subject, I realised that every time he's in my life, I can't seem to remember what peace feels like. This whole situation consumes me and it is an emotional roller coaster that I can't get off, or at least it seems that way when I'm the middle of the situation.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Anna2983 said:

I am feeling lonely. I live abroad and most of my friends are in my country of origin.

So what do you think you can do to change this?  Instead of being vulnerable to an online predator you could be cultivating friendships in real life.

What things are you interested in?  What are your hobbies?  What do you do for fun and leisure?

[catfeeder]

7 hours ago, Anna2983 said:

especially after he returns because when he does this sh*t I'm left feeling not good enough, worthless and abandoned, again.

How can a complete stranger make you feel worthless, when he or she doesn't even KNOW you?

Why would you project that much power onto a total stranger?

[lostandhurt]

This person could only take what you freely gave him so take it back!

  Did you fall for a bunch of lies and lines?  Yes you did which in the beginning is understandable because to make new connections we all have to be open and somewhat vulnerable so don't beat yourself up about that.  Where you went wrong is when he showed you who he really is you ignored it.  In the end it doesn't matter why you ignored all the red flags it just matters that you did.  The good thing is it allows you to learn and grow from this so it doesn't happen again.

  There are evil hurtful people out there that will not only steal your money and possessions, they will steal your heart, time and life if you let them. 

  What is your plan to keep this predator out of your life?

Lost

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Anna2983 said:

 I am feeling lonely. I live abroad and most of my friends are in my country of origin. And of course, my grief plays a role here. 

Delete and block him. Make local friends and keep in touch with your people back home.

[Anna2983]

On 12/12/2021 at 9:58 PM, boltnrun said:

So what do you think you can do to change this?  Instead of being vulnerable to an online predator you could be cultivating friendships in real life.

What things are you interested in?  What are your hobbies?  What do you do for fun and leisure?

Well, I'm more of an introvert and sometimes I can be socially awkward, so socialising and meeting new people can be a challenge.

For fun? Well, baking, reading, writing...

[Anna2983]

On 12/13/2021 at 5:37 AM, lostandhurt said:

This person could only take what you freely gave him so take it back!

  Did you fall for a bunch of lies and lines?  Yes you did which in the beginning is understandable because to make new connections we all have to be open and somewhat vulnerable so don't beat yourself up about that.  Where you went wrong is when he showed you who he really is you ignored it.  In the end it doesn't matter why you ignored all the red flags it just matters that you did.  The good thing is it allows you to learn and grow from this so it doesn't happen again.

  There are evil hurtful people out there that will not only steal your money and possessions, they will steal your heart, time and life if you let them. 

  What is your plan to keep this predator out of your life?

Lost

Yes, that's true, I fell for his empty words and false promises. He sold me the dream since I've never had a relationship before and he told me everything I wanted to hear. 

Well, I gave myself a deadline to block him, I might do it before that. It would be easier if I were angry but I can't seem to get angry not matter how much I try, even though he's still hurting me. I feel pathetic 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Anna2983 said:

Well, I'm more of an introvert and sometimes I can be socially awkward, so socialising and meeting new people can be a challenge.

For fun? Well, baking, reading, writing...

How about joining a writers group, a book club or taking cooking classes?

[boltnrun]

42 minutes ago, Anna2983 said:

I gave myself a deadline to block him

Why? Why not block him right now? 

You do realize continuing to engage with him is what's causing you to be upset, right?

If I told you eating dairy products makes my stomach upset would you recommend I set a deadline to stop eating them? Or would you suggest I eat something else?

You can take a cooking class, join an online book club or attend a writers workshop. As @Batya33said. Or volunteer at a soup kitchen, where the people would truly appreciate your cooking skills.

[lostandhurt]

What is the deadline and what does he need to do before it to stop you from blocking him forever?

 

Lost

[KittyCAT56]

This person seems like a lovely person for himself, but I don't see how you can think he is a lovely person for you.

For a relationship, friendship or anything that has a ship in between, requires effort from both sides. 

Effort that this guy doesn't give you. You should distance yourself from your feelings, and try to see him as you see all other human beings. And when you do this, try to realize that what attracts you to him, are these qualities you hope you will have one day in your partner, which I know you will have for a fact, because this are your turn on points. 

 

[Anna2983]

On 12/15/2021 at 1:01 AM, lostandhurt said:

What is the deadline and what does he need to do before it to stop you from blocking him forever?

 

Lost

The deadline is today. I just wonder how can I block him and not have his number on my phone? Not even in my blocked contacts list because I don't want to make the same mistake over again as I did in October.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Anna2983 said:

I just wonder how can I block him and not have his number on my phone?

Go through all your messaging apps, social media, contact lists and devices and delete and block him.

The longer you pursue an unhealthy fantasy, the longer you'll feel bad.

[boltnrun]

35 minutes ago, Anna2983 said:

The deadline is today. I just wonder how can I block him and not have his number on my phone? Not even in my blocked contacts list because I don't want to make the same mistake over again as I did in October.

Block his number. Then delete it from your phone.

Block, then delete him from all social media.

Set your social media profiles to private. Make it so no one can send you a friend request. 

The tasks themselves are easy. What's more difficult is building your self esteem so you won't be vulnerable to people who scam you or waste your time. You can do that by engaging with people in real life instead of relying on electronic devices to give your life meaning.