Am I in the wrong for this?

[Evelyn Williams]

Foreground information: I am a 22 year old female, and I'm not used to online dating. Real life dating, especially during the pandemic has become much harder, and I wasn't planning to fall in love with someone online and I need advice.

 

So a couple months ago (I want to say 5 or so) I met this girl on a discord server about movie discussion (I'm a big film nerd, and the girlfriend in question Lucy is big into anime), and the two of us had a lot of chemistry. I wanted to keep things casually, because I'm typically shy, but I ended up falling for this person way harder than I originally thought. She is struggling with depression and undisclosed trauma, so it's a little understandable that she would be as equally shy as me. However, the longer our relationship goes on, the stronger this creeping feeling of skepticism grows within me. Lucy regularly refuses to offer up any kind of personal information. It took her a long time to even know her age (20), I don't know her name beyond 'Lucy', I've only ever seen one picture of her, and every time I try to schedule a date where we can video call and chat she immediately refuses or ignores the question entirely. I hate to even say this because I really do care, but I'm worried that she might be a catfish, and actually a man pretending to be a female to exploit this lesbian relationship. What should I do to confront these thoughts....should I even say anything? I don't feel like I have any proof but it's just weird how little I know about this person. Thanks in advance for the help (maybe I'm being stupid and naive).

[junebug123]

I've been in a similar situation with a female on discord. All I can say is that some girls will open up to you right away and not have any problems telling you everything about themselves. 

Others, for whatever reason ( maybe she knows your into her and she has her guard up about that ) will withhold information. It's up to you if you want to continue talking to her and either lower your expectations and just accept it for what it is or move on.

I think the thing here is you can't force the person to trust you and if your not willing to accept what they are comfortable giving you, then its time to move on.

[lostandhurt]

Five months and you still haven't spoken on the phone or video chatted?

I would be concerned as well, heck I would have stopped all contact after a few weeks of this shady behavior. 

Let's say she is real and not some guy in prison with internet privileges. Lucy is way to guarded to be in any kind of relationship with you are anyone.  It would be best if you put some distance between you two so you can disconnect from her.

Also you called it a relationship.  You do know it isn't real right?  Until you meet it is just an online fantasy and an imagined relationship.  This is how scammers get their prey because they are patient.

Either way this Lucy is not open and trusting enough to ever allow you in so why keep trying?

Lost

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Evelyn Williams said:

It took her a long time to even know her age (20), I don't know her name beyond 'Lucy', I've only ever seen one picture of her, and every time I try to schedule a date where we can video call and chat she immediately refuses or ignores the question entirely. I hate to even say this because I really do care, but I'm worried that she might be a catfish

I think you are probably right. 

This person is almost certainly not who she says she is. It would be best to distance yourself from this individual, and work on connecting with people offline. 

Shady and evasive online strangers are not dating candidates. 

[Kwothe28]

After a few weeks you should at least have some form of confirmed identity. Meaning, at todays age, at least a private social network. I would even go further and demand a video call. You can freely tell her that you want to see her in person because you at least want to know she is who she says she is. If she plays dumb or that she is mad how you doubt her, dont take that and just cut that through.

But, as she refuses to do that after 5 months, and you dont have anything but the name and some picture, its safe to say you are probably been catfished.

[Rose Mosse]

4 hours ago, Evelyn Williams said:

I hate to even say this because I really do care, but I'm worried that she might be a catfish, and actually a man pretending to be a female to exploit this lesbian relationship. What should I do to confront these thoughts....should I even say anything? I don't feel like I have any proof but it's just weird how little I know about this person. Thanks in advance for the help (maybe I'm being stupid and naive).

I would think such sensitive information or personal information as mental health issues would not be discussed online. That would be a major red flag personally as the person needs help from professionals, not online strangers they have never met, and manipulative to mention as it pulls at you or causes you to develop an attachment or feel sorry for that person early on. It could be a man, an underaged person or child, a person in a different part of the world entirely or someone simply looking to keep you talking about yourself and emotionally attached so that he/she can ask you for money or scam you into doing things you normally would not do. 

That you "really do care" is concerning. Save that care for people who are willing to meet with you in person and develop a friendship over a longer period of time. 

[smackie9]

Sorry but these things are unhealthy...online relationships are 10 to 20% reality and 80% fantasy. It's an incredible phenomenon....some people even get duped out of thousands of dollars. Whatever you can't have, like actually seeing the person, or able to feel/touch/ be with them, your imagination fills all that in for you which makes it dangerously intoxicating. In reality you are addicted, and that's when you lose all common sense. As you can see us as outsiders our reaction is, "I wouldn't put up with this after a couple of weeks." You have been doing this for over 5 months. Yes lonely people are very vulnerable to this sort of thing, especially due to covid. Your answer is to get out of this right now. Stop talking to this person.

[Wiseman2]

You need to end it. It's causing distress and rightfully so. This entity is catfishing. It could be anything. A child a 50y/o man whatever.

You're not in love with this person and it's not your GF.

The real issue is your isolation loneliness and lack of contact with the real world.

Are you out of the closet? Do you live with your parents?

Do you work? Go to school? You need to get involved in varied activities.

Get a side hustle. Take classes and courses. Get involved in fitness and sports. Volunteer. Join some LGBT groups for support. Consider an LGBT dating app.

Living in a cyberfantasy and talking to a catfish for months indicates that you may be depressed or anxious more so than introverted.

[Batya33]

I met over 100 people through online dating sites. I never ever dated online - because dating online is not real and I wanted to date in real life.  I used the sites to meet in person ASAP after a safety screening.  Then after meeting we'd go on a date if we clicked. I would block this person whoever he or she is - has the person asked you for money? And consider why you were so into chatting with this troubled person -either because she/he has mental health issues or because the person gets off on "catfishing".   I'm sorry you've wasted your time and are stressed about this.

[catfeeder]

If someone isn't willing to set up a quick meet in public over coffee to check one another out, I don't even bother with them. In lockdown, that would mean a video call.

No meet, nothing left to say. It makes no sense to build a fantasy around typing.

[melancholy123]

10 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Five months and you still haven't spoken on the phone or video chatted?

I would be concerned as well, heck I would have stopped all contact after a few weeks of this shady behavior. 

Let's say she is real and not some guy in prison with internet privileges. Lucy is way to guarded to be in any kind of relationship with you are anyone.  It would be best if you put some distance between you two so you can disconnect from her.

Also you called it a relationship.  You do know it isn't real right?  Until you meet it is just an online fantasy and an imagined relationship.  This is how scammers get their prey because they are patient.

Either way this Lucy is not open and trusting enough to ever allow you in so why keep trying?

Lost

This ^^  You don't know anything about Lucy other than what she has said.  She may be a he.  She may be a scammer from Nigeria or some such place.  You have no idea who this person is.  Cut your losses now and move on.

[SooSad33]

So, you basically know nothing.

Then you do not pursue.  Is an online game thingy, I don't know how you could end up with any emotions over someone this way?  You barely know their age...

Look at finding someone a more natural way, either for real or online 'dating' sites.  Not through your gaming.

 

 

[KittyCAT56]

Hey Evelyn Williams!

Your story is really interesting! First off, you should realize that you need to take some space from Lucy! 

I'm am highly experienced with dating online, or at least meeting people online, and I have realized that so far just few were good to go with! If you are developing strong feelings online, of course its normal to not know for what you are falling in love with, and the fact that Lucy is allowing you to fall in love with her without giving you some ground to stand on, its dangerous! This girl can be a young sociopath who doesn't know how to take care of your heart. 

Don`t punish her for her stupidity, but do take some distance from her. That way you make her miss you, and maybe reveal a bit more from herself, or you just realize she is not the one for you!! Its a win-win situation 🙂