Best friend choosing boyfriend over me

[123throwaway]

My best friend has had six partners in the past 4 years so there's only been about a month space maximum in between each one. I've noticed a pattern that she comes around, we spend a lot of time together and get real close when she's momentarily single. However once she starts heading into a relationship again, she's a lot more distant and its particularly exaggerated this time around. Her latest boyfriend is older than her and she's the happiest she's ever been and I'm ecstatic for her cause he treats her the best and has set a standard for her no other boyfriend has come close to. 

She's sure he's the one and it's the first time she's said this but I think he could be too. They've been dating for around 10 months now. 

The few months before they started dating and even in her previous relationship before this one, she would call me a lot or come over and we would spend a lot of time together. We were a lot more involved in each other's lives. I've noticed we never call nowadays and whenever we do, it's always me calling. I also feel like I have limited time with her because she always ends the call telling me that she's going to call her boyfriend or that he's calling her. It feels like I'm on borrowed time whenever we do call because she keeps reminding me she needs to call her boyfriend but they already see each other every other day because they're very involved with each other's families as they were family friends first. I'm very happy she's in love but I thought I'd have more of a place in her life. This time around, I feel like I'm asking for a lot to see or even speak to her over the phone. 

Two weeks ago, she said she would come over the next day and we'd get brunch. Then she cancelled an hour later saying she had an assignment to do so we agreed we'd reschedule for the week after. The next day, I see she's at her boyfriend's place and they're baking. She cancelled on our plans saying she had uni work but has time to bake with him instead. I waited to see if she'd remember that we rescheduled for the week after but she never mentioned it so that plan fell through too. 

We've been in lockdown the last 4 months where I live and it was recently lifted. During lockdown, I told her I really wanted to watch a movie that she didn't even know about. After telling her what it's about, she was getting very excited and said she wanted to watch it with me. So we agreed we'd make plans once cinemas would reopen. A few days before lockdown was scheduled to be lifted, I asked her when she wanted to make plans for the movie and she said she'd let me know when she's free. Around a week after cinemas reopened, I asked her again and she told me her boyfriend already made plans to go to the drive-in theatre for it. I got annoyed because she knew I badly wanted to watch this movie, she suggested we watch together in the first place and it didn't seem like it even occurred to her to let me know that she was going to see it with him instead. I've been waiting on her to tell me when she's available to see it together and I was excited because it would've been the first time we've had a date night in a long time. I haven't spent time with her in so long but it seems like I'm the only one who was really looking forward to it. I understand she's in love but there's not even any fair share of her time. The last time I saw her was my birthday and it felt forced for her to be at my place again. I have a boyfriend too and plans with him have fallen on the same day I've made plans with her too but I've never cancelled on her to be with him. 

I can't help but feel a bit hurt and overlooked. I told her how I was annoyed that she saw the movie without me and didn't even tell me but she thought of it more as a joke and laughed it off saying to forgive her.  I think she has noticed I've been a bit more distant lately since then but she doesn't seem to care or want to make plans. We never have serious conversations about our friendship as we've never fought during the seven years we've been close so the thought of confronting her about it makes me uncomfortable. Do I just accept this new position in my life or distance myself? 

 

 

[Jibralta]

55 minutes ago, 123throwaway said:

Do I just accept this new position in my life or distance myself? 

A little of both, I think. This is what your friend chooses to prioritize, and it's her right--just as it's your right to prioritize her over your boyfriend. There's no law that says you must do that. It's just a preference. 

I ran into this growing up, too. Some people disappear when they get into relationships. It's just the way it is. Your friend is looking for a romantic relationship, first and foremost. It doesn't mean she's not a good friend, and that she wouldn't drop everything to get you out of a scrape 10 years from now. People move on and move away a little as they grow up.

[Cherylyn]

Don't remain on standby anymore.  You shouldn't be at her disposal.

Become more distant, decline consistently in the future and she should get the message that you're moving on.  If she approaches you at her convenience, tell her (or text) that it's time for both of you to go your separate ways permanently, wish her all the best and request no contact.  Sign Your Name. 

If she's relentless regarding contact, ignore, block and delete her. 

No, don't accept your current new position.  You deserve to be treated as if you matter and to her, you don't matter that much.  Her track record and history speaks for itself.  No more chances otherwise she will continue to disrespect you and you'll feel disappointed and hurt yet again.  It's time to stop this pattern and cycle of neglect. 

[Batya33]

I've had this happen to me and understand it says a lot about her and her values - and decide whether you want to be her fallback person.  I'm sorry she is treating you this way.

[SooSad33]

is always great in the beginning, so sounds like she's still on cloud 9.

So, you leave her to it.  What I do find disrespectful is the movie idea.  She should have spoken up to the bf that she had already made plans with you.

As mentioned, don't put your life on hold for her.  Do your own thing.. hang with diff/more friends & family.

IF she has any respect or feelings, she should very well realize what she has done.  Don't chase for her time etc. Leave things up to her as well to reach out & arrange time together.. Also, over time, as we get older & own lives going, things will change. People move away, have kids, work a lot, etc.  Life gets busy.

So, get out there & live yours.  Never depend on anyone to wait on you, expect it all to remain the same etc.

We just have to roll with the punches. Accept what is.

[Kwothe28]

I dunno, as I grew older, I adopted "Who wants to reach me I will also reach them" rule with my friends. Meaning that I only reach to certain extent. Make a phone call or send a message, organize something etc. If I see that they dont make the same effort or just do when they need something, I stop. And I can tell you that it brought me more piece. You see how some people are and dont expect anything from them in future. I made one exception in the last year to that rule, and that is with my longtime female friend. And that is only because I was worried because I heard that she broke up with her longtime boyfriend(she is also proned to depression) and deleted social networks and couldnt reach by phone because my phone broke so lost all my numbers and she hasnt contacted anyone from our circle of friends at all. So I visited her home and find out from her mother she just found new boyfriend/fiance and that she lives with him in another town. So, eh, at least I know she is fine.

Anyway, I wouldnt have a conversation, its useless. She chose boyfriend and now she doesnt need you, some people are just like that. Worst of all, your movie situation was easily fixable with including you(well not in drive in but if you all go to regular theater). But she still chose not to. Accept that she is like that, dont reach out and dont expect anything from her. It may be hard, but trust me, it will bring you more piece. 

[catfeeder]

There is no way that I'd be confrontational or punitive toward this friend of 7 years.

Part of maturity is recognizing and honoring the limits of our friends, and these limits will shift along with various priorities over time. 

Sometimes friendships diverge for a while. 

You've already recognized this pattern with this friend, so why are you surprised?

New relationships are referred to as a 'honeymoon period' for a reason.

Am I saying that she's 'right' or that you need to like this? No. I'm only raising that when we have enough friends, we'll make our own rounds with them and focus more on the ones who are most available at a given time.

This friend doesn't qualify right now. I'd focus less on her to avoid torturing myself with unrealized 'shoulds,' and I'd trust that in time, she is likely to include me more as her honeymoon bubble bursts or grows boring, and outside stimulation is more welcomed.

If not, then you'll already be involved with your other friends to the degree that it won't matter so much.

Head high, I DO sympathize, but I would consider expanding my reach out to other friends who might better qualify for your time at this moment.

[Rose Mosse]

I'd pay attention to other friends who make more of an effort. It's not worth going into this in a conversation. She is happy with her boyfriend and as you noted, deserves to be so. You're expecting her to be there for you at a level that she may be uncomfortable with also and therefore won't reciprocate. Do your best to accept that and spend more time with other friends who think of you as a closer friend. 

[Jibralta]

6 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Sometimes friendships diverge for a while.

I so agree. How many times has an old friend popped up in my life during a tough time and stuck around to see me through, only to disappear back into the woodwork when the trouble has passed?

I've lost count.

But I've learned: that's what friends are. They're the ones who stand up with you when it counts. They aren't necessarily the ones who chat you up every day and schedule regular brunch meetings--you can do that with practically anyone.

Time tells you who your real friends are.

[tattoobunnie]

If she is a good friend, tell her it's not cool she is flaking on your plans together.  But if it were me and a friend and hubs wanted to see it, we'd all see it together.  I don't like how she treats you.  Friends working solely on the MRS degree who drop you for a dude are pretty lame and boring.  Focus on other friends, but first, be honest with her.  If she is just a weather day friend, just disappear.

[Coily]

With a friendship this long, I would mostly just be patient while not being her doormat. I'm not a fan of her just bailing, but if she's working towards a serious relationship then it's on you to be supportive when it's not self detrimental.

That said don't wait around for her, don't make a lot of effort to hang out or contact her. Either she will come around, or you have begun the fade out.

For perspective, my best friend of 30 years is finally getting himself hitched. We went from regular conversations to maybe twice a month, then less as they got closer to being engaged. I was excited for him, sure I knew my time for hanging out was more limited than ever but he was doing what made him happy.