Friend coming back 2 years later

[Eliza50]

This is about someone who used to be my best friend up until a couple of years ago.

Background. We had met at the workplace and we were best friends for 5-6 years. She was always a bit high maintenance and stubborn but she was also very supportive and we had good fun together. Two years ago, after a misunderstanding, she decided she didn't want to be friends with me - there was no fight or anything, she had just told me she felt like she couldn't count on me and let's just see each other at work. I did try to change her mind but she wouldn't budge an inch. During these past 2 years, we were fine at work but no phonecalls or hanging out together; we just met at work and, occasionally, at other friends' homes and we talked to each other about general stuff but nothing about our personal lives. You get the picture.

So, the other day, at work, she comes up to me and says that if I don't have any plans for Sunday morning ''let's go get a cup of coffee''. She caught me off guard and I said I haven't planned anything and we agreed we'll talk on the phone and if the weather is good (plenty of rain lately and she has a bad back), we'll meet.

I've been thinking about it and it's hard to decide. I mean, I know she has a good heart and I owe her a lot (she had stood by me during a very hard time) but I can't get over the fact that she had stopped being my friend for nothing and she acts like nothing happened. On the other hand, perhaps she plans on talking to me about that incident when we meet, I don't know. But it's not like the misunderstanding happened 2 months ago. Two years is a very long time.

I just don't know what to do and I'd like to know what you think about all this.

[Andrina]

I don't like to think you owe a friend anything. She did something nice for you in the past because your friendship was satisfying at the time. Friendships often evolve and just because someone supported you in the past, if a present day friendship isn't beneficial to you, you don't need to pay a hefty price now for what you perceive as a past debt.

Why did she say she couldn't count on you--the reason she ended things? Were her expectations unreasonable?

Without knowing more, I don't know whether or not you should hear her out over coffee. I would probably guard my heart. Perhaps she's driven away other friends with too high expectations. If you do go for coffee, it doesn't mean you have to sign a promise to be friends forever and get together regularly. 

I only had one close friend drift away after she got a boyfriend and didn't make time for friends. I took her back after he ended things with her when she wrote me a letter saying she'd made a mistake. Our friendship really didn't thrive after that.

Just like in seeing past patterns of romantic partners/exes, she might repeat the pattern again and dump you all over again when you don't meet her expectations.  Without further info, that's all I have for now.

[Jibralta]

It's difficult to know how to respond without knowing more about the misunderstanding. What happened two years ago that caused her to say (or believe) that she couldn't count on you? Why was there a misunderstanding, and what was misunderstood? 

[Lambert]

Why don't you do this.... wait and see if you meet. If you do meet, you can always go with the intention to listen to her. 

Like you said, maybe she's going to bring up the rift and address it. And you will have the opportunity to say how you feel.

If she acts like no problem and just picks up where you were, that is when you can say you're side. That you hoped she wanted to address the issue but you can't just pick up like nothing happened. 

On the other hand, I agree with @Andrina... you don't owe her. You can always let her know you prefer the work only arrangement.

You're right to be leary... I ended a friendship recently (you can look back at my posts) We had great times together. We were great friends. We both helped each other thru tough times in the past. 

Long story super short, things got one sided, she started being manipulative and I out grew relationship in general. So I told her I needed space and I appreciated her respecting that.  It's been at least 6 months.

I have no intention of reaching out her and I completely expect that she would be leary of me, if I did.

That's the risk one takes with a break up of any kind. Sometimes the other person is happier without you, too. And that's ok. We don't have to hate people.  We can wish them the best (and mean it) but still decide to keep our distance.

Follow your gut. Stay true to yourself.  Don't let her drift in and out of your life like snow. You don't deserve it but only you can set the boundary. Takers are gonna take.

[Batya33]

I agree with the others that you should go for coffee and then play it by ear.  I certainly can relate to why you are hesitant.

[Rose Mosse]

I would probably go. I don't see why not. You seem very upset still about what happened so if it's not worth it to you, then let her know that something has come up or you're not able to make it. It might help if you realize that you both owe each other nothing aside from the part that you already agreed to go this weekend.

Be prepared that flaking or cancelling like that will produce more misunderstandings. You work with this person so weigh your risks and whether this excess worry or drama is needed. 

[Kwothe28]

Let me guess: She couldnt count on you because she asked something and you didnt do it so she stopped friendship?

Go see her. However, be well aware that the kind of people who would stop friendship because of some stupid thing you couldnt do for them, probably dont want your friendship because of you, but because of something you can do for them. So the nature of that meeting is that she probably needs something from you. Not because she is suddenly sorry for ignoring you for two years. So I wouldnt expect some kind of apology or anything in the line of that.

[melancholy123]

I say go, but dont expect much.  I think curiosity will get to you (as it would me) and you will want to go to see what she wants.  Dont expect anything big or revelational, or that you will end up friends.  

Myself, anyone who dumps me as a friend probably cant slink back into my life and resume being a friend.  I'd wonder what they are up to or what they want.

Go but be skeptical.

[Eliza50]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Let me guess: She couldnt count on you because she asked something and you didnt do it so she stopped friendship?

Yes. She had a doctor appointment and she had asked me to meet for dinner when it was over as the doctor's office was in my neighbourhood. I had said ok but the night before, something else came up (not something major but I figured we meet 2-3 times a week, so, it won't be a big deal if I cancel). I told her the next morning, at work, something like 10 hours before the meeting time, that I wouldn't be able to make it and she insisted that she had told me that I would pick her up from the doctor because he would put some medicine in her eye and she wouldn't be able to see very well. I didn't (and still don't) remember that detail. So, I told her I'm sorry, I never heard you say that or I wouldn't have arranged the other thing; I'll cancel  it and come pick you up and we'll go for dinner. She said no, it's ok, I'll get someone else to come...and from that moment on, she started being distant until she told me what I said in my first post.

 

[Batya33]

What you did is so forgivable. She should have given you the benefit of the doubt. Also I get that she couldn’t drive but she also was going to be well enough to have dinner so she could have simply called a car service. Clearly you didn’t remember the added reason she wanted to meet.  I mean then you would have offered to have someone else give her a ride or assisted. I don’t like that she assumed you were being so unreliable. 

[Eliza50]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I don’t like that she assumed you were being so unreliable. 

That is why I was so hurt by all that. Because she had made me feel like she didn't know me at all. She wouldn't even give me the benefit of the doubt, as you said, and that, coming from a close friend, is very hurtful.

[Lambert]

14 minutes ago, Eliza50 said:

That is why I was so hurt by all that. Because she had made me feel like she didn't know me at all. She wouldn't even give me the benefit of the doubt, as you said, and that, coming from a close friend, is very hurtful.

I agree... you deserved the benefit of the doubt from a friend you spend time with weekly.  

Ending the friendship was uncalled for. I wonder what her motivation was?  Does she seek attention and drama? Where there other problems she was having?

She made a mistake but 2 years to come around? I don't think she was a good friend you. 

In my post to you earlier, when I ended a friendship it was after several separate occasions. Not just one thing. 

In your shoes I could not be close to her again. Maybe after a long time.  I don't know.

 

[Cherylyn]

Since you said you hadn't planned anything for Sunday, agreed to talk on the phone and meet weather permitting, don't renege.  However, keep it brief on the phone or in person.  Be nice but not too nice. 

Since both of you work together, if I were you, I'd enforce healthy boundaries and not get close to her again nor get friendly during non-work hours.  Working together plus socializing outside work, is too much togetherness and familiarity.  Too much familiarity breeds contempt.  Most likely, you'll grow sick 'n tired of her in no time.  Plus, it's awkward to divulge in personal info while seeing the same person at work 5 days a week for weeks, months and years. 

In the past, she didn't want to be friends with you anymore.  Leave it at that.  Be kind, polite, well mannered, respectful yet maintain a safe, cool distance.  Being chummy is way overrated especially with colleagues or co-workers.  Separate your non-work life from your work life.  Don't mix and mesh the two. 

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, Eliza50 said:

Yes. She had a doctor appointment and she had asked me to meet for dinner when it was over as the doctor's office was in my neighbourhood. I had said ok but the night before, something else came up (not something major but I figured we meet 2-3 times a week, so, it won't be a big deal if I cancel). I told her the next morning, at work, something like 10 hours before the meeting time, that I wouldn't be able to make it and she insisted that she had told me that I would pick her up from the doctor because he would put some medicine in her eye and she wouldn't be able to see very well. I didn't (and still don't) remember that detail. So, I told her I'm sorry, I never heard you say that or I wouldn't have arranged the other thing; I'll cancel  it and come pick you up and we'll go for dinner. She said no, it's ok, I'll get someone else to come...and from that moment on, she started being distant until she told me what I said in my first post.

 

Ah, as I thought. Look, good heart or not, your friendship to some people is only worth in how much you can do for them. The minute its not exactly how they pictured it, its over, no mater how much you were there for them before. Your case is easily excusable. You even offered to cancel your plans for her if its that important and she herself said no. But hey, you wanted to cancel in the first place so that means you dont care for her. Its just how her brain works, it has nothing to do with you. Beware of that kind of people. And as I said, fully expect that you probably need her for something

[melancholy123]

5 hours ago, Eliza50 said:

Yes. She had a doctor appointment and she had asked me to meet for dinner when it was over as the doctor's office was in my neighbourhood. I had said ok but the night before, something else came up (not something major but I figured we meet 2-3 times a week, so, it won't be a big deal if I cancel). I told her the next morning, at work, something like 10 hours before the meeting time, that I wouldn't be able to make it and she insisted that she had told me that I would pick her up from the doctor because he would put some medicine in her eye and she wouldn't be able to see very well. I didn't (and still don't) remember that detail. So, I told her I'm sorry, I never heard you say that or I wouldn't have arranged the other thing; I'll cancel  it and come pick you up and we'll go for dinner. She said no, it's ok, I'll get someone else to come...and from that moment on, she started being distant until she told me what I said in my first post.

 

Having red this, I change my answer.  I would not go meet her.  She really over reacted to this and I suspect she wants something from you now.

[Jibralta]

19 hours ago, Eliza50 said:

During these past 2 years, we were fine at work but no phonecalls or hanging out together; we just met at work and, occasionally, at other friends' homes and we talked to each other about general stuff but nothing about our personal lives.

I think it's good that the two of you have been able to maintain a civilized dynamic at work. That's a credit to both of you. I think that you should base your decision on preserving this peace instead of focusing on past perceived wrongs. 

[Eliza50]

I didn't meet her. She texted me suggesting a place and I replied saying I don't feel very well and won't go out today but if she has something serious she wants to talk about, she can call me. I had thought she might have wanted to say she's sorry about what happened but nope.

She said no, it was nothing important, she just wanted to catch up and we talked a bit more about work and that was that. As if nothing had happened. I felt like she didn't feel she had ever done anything wrong. Stupid of me to expect an apology, she's so stubborn she would never say she's sorry, anyway.

 

[catfeeder]

Great comments from the folks above. The fact that you were willing to re-change your plans to accommodate new information would have meant a LOT to most people.

This coworker opted to internalize a simple error as some kind of disloyalty, and that's not okay.

The cardinal rule of adult friendships is: respect the limits of one another.

Instead of respecting yours, she went punitive. That's also not okay.

While I'd have the coffee or phone chat, I'd do so with an aim of keeping the arm's length civility at work in place without a need to say it.

While it's not likely but possible that co-worker might confess a recognition that her reaction was a mistake, I'd thank her for that. I'd tell her that my heart has always remained open to her, but I won't say that I'm any less fallible than I was before. I'm likely more so, and I'll never be up for any pass or fail tests that would render my friendship disposable.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Eliza50 said:

I didn't meet her. She texted me suggesting a place and I replied saying I don't feel very well and won't go out today but if she has something serious she wants to talk about, she can call me. I had thought she might have wanted to say she's sorry about what happened but nope.

She said no, it was nothing important, she just wanted to catch up and we talked a bit more about work and that was that. As if nothing had happened. I felt like she didn't feel she had ever done anything wrong. Stupid of me to expect an apology, she's so stubborn she would never say she's sorry, anyway.

 

I think you did the right thing and good for you for checking into it further before putting in the effort to meet her.

[catfeeder]

2 minutes ago, Eliza50 said:

I didn't meet her. She texted me suggesting a place and I replied saying I don't feel very well and won't go out today but if she has something serious she wants to talk about, she can call me. I had thought she might have wanted to say she's sorry about what happened but nope.

She said no, it was nothing important, she just wanted to catch up and we talked a bit more about work and that was that. As if nothing had happened. I felt like she didn't feel she had ever done anything wrong. Stupid of me to expect an apology, she's so stubborn she would never say she's sorry, anyway.

 

I just caught this. The loss is hers. While your heart may have been invested in the person you believed she was, she is a transactional person who disposes of people who don't perform to expectations. That's not a friend, that's someone you don't need.

Head high, and good job on your civility at work.