Bf wants to start a family when the timing is right for him, not me

[happyfeet999]

My bf (30) and I (23) have been together for 1.5 years. We’ve had a rocky past 3 months, recently broke up for about a month, and in the past 2 weeks we have been entertaining the idea of getting back together. Things have been going great (or so I thought) between us and I was so happy that we were sharing our lives with each other again, until 2 nights ago he started acting all cold on me and withdrew his love and affection. The reason for this is because he claims I am not “down” for him. He is established in his career as a nurse and says he “needs” a baby ideally within 1 year, but he is saying he will make an exception and push it to 2-3 years for me. I, on the other hand, have just started applying for nursing school. I told him ideally I would want kids after I finish school because I’m not trying to carry and raise a child while I’m still in school. So that would be another 4-5 years. He told me I have too many excuses, that age shouldn’t matter, that there is no such thing as wrong timing, that he shouldn’t have to convince me to give him a kid in X amount of time, that I should want it naturally, that he can’t wait that long and his reasoning is that due to his family history he thinks he won’t make it past the age of 65. He’s also told me that if I loved him, I should be down to have his kid whenever he asks. That I should be down to leave my family and move away with him (for his career) whenever he asks. He said if I can’t do all of this for him then I’m not “the one.” I get where he’s coming from, but at the same time his reasoning seems very selfish to me. He has told me before that nursing school is very hard and that he would sleep for only 3-5 hours a night because he’d be studying all day. I just wonder how and why, after knowing all this, would he expect me to carry and raise a child while I’m still in  school. I love him... but I would want to stabilize our relationship and build a stronger foundation first before even entertaining the idea of having a child. To me, love is about compromising, love isn’t conditional, and love knows no ultimatums. But at the same time, ARE these ultimatums that he is giving me or does he just know what he wants?

My therapist tells me it’s very concerning that he keeps pushing this baby agenda on me. It’s been a constant thing with him. He is an insecure guy and my therapist has told me that he is trying to “trap” me so he can gain “power and control” over me but I don’t know.

I just wanted to get some third party thoughts on this. Any advice would be appreciated...

[WaywardKiwi]

Hi happyfeet,

Your therapist has a much more complete view of your situation and its impacts on you psychologically and personally. Furthermore, they have a duty of care to look out for your best interests, which we do not. As such, I would heed their advice and extricate yourself from this relationship. 

Good luck,

T

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, happyfeet999 said:

My therapist tells me it’s very concerning that he keeps pushing this baby agenda on me.  my therapist has told me that he is trying to “trap” me so he can gain “power and control” over me but I don’t know.

Listen to your therapist! Run 👟👟.

Let him buy a house, an engagement ring, plan a wedding, make a commitment and bring a child into the world in a responsible way into a good home.

He's "down" for riding bareback and having a barefoot and pregnant GF. That's not a commitment.

You need to reconsider his on/off controlling nature and not be pressured into this. 

[Kwothe28]

Sounds like emotional blackmail and manipulation. When they use "If you love me you will do X", that is emotional manipulation. That means that you should be very warry about him. And that your therapist is right. Those kind of people will stop at nothing to get what they want. Even maybe trying to make you that baby on purpose. So for our own sake you should maybe leave. Its not in your plans to have that baby now and he wants it at any cost. Plus would you really want a child with somebody like that who is willing to stoop to that levels to get what he wants? 

[Seraphim]

BOTH people need to want a family at the same time . He needs to find a woman his age who is established. It is time to break up for good. 

[smackie9]

If this is making you uncomfortable then tell him and end the relationship.

[Coily]

On one hand I can understand his desire to have a kid so he can be young enough to raise them, BUT this level of pressure and manipulation leads me to believe he would be happy with any womb he can control. You are just a vessel for his offspring, no a partner who he loves.

Him expressing interest in moving you away from family in such a capricious way is troubling, sounds like he wants to isolate you from your support system intentionally. Nothing good comes from that mentality.

Run from this baby crazy guy.

[DancingFool]

6 hours ago, happyfeet999 said:

My therapist tells me it’s very concerning that he keeps pushing this baby agenda on me. It’s been a constant thing with him. He is an insecure guy and my therapist has told me that he is trying to “trap” me so he can gain “power and control” over me but I don’t know.

^This is exactly the first thought that came to my mind. Yes absolutely he is trying hard to gain complete control over you. Having a baby will trap you so you can kiss school goodbye as you will need to raise the child. You will become financially dependent on this creep and also removed away from your family and support system. I can pretty much guarantee you that he will quickly find reasons to move and keep moving around so you cannot complete your education, cannot establish any friendships or support for yourself and that your life revolves around him and what he wants on his terms as he will control every aspect of your life.

I mean he is telling you bluntly and directly that he wants you to live on his terms and jump when he tells you to jump and ask how high. He doesn't want a wife or a gf, he actually wants a slave, OP. Yes, it's that bad.

Please stop trying to find excuses for his psycho behavior, listen to your therapist, and dump this creep. This is how abusive relationships begin - excusing psycho behavior and going along until you go so far you can't get out anymore. Also, absolutely stop sleeping with him and be sure he cannot access your BC and mess with it. I wouldn't put it that past him if he realizes that he is losing his grip on you and decides to trap you a little faster with a "whoopsie".

[reinventmyself]

It really does sound as if he's moving the goal posts so you can't possibly get it right, according to him.

A friend of mine dated a guy for years and wanted to get married. Every time a deadline came he threw some absurd road block so it would conveniently never happen.  Of course he dressed it up with how much he loving wanted to marry her, but always with an unreasonable condition attached.  The final straw.  She needed to give up everything and move three states away.  Mind you, she had 4 teenagers and that wouldn't be possible.  He forced her hand to end it.  She didn't see he was being manipulative and I doubt he ever intended on marrying her.

 

[Lambert]

Run!

This is not the environment to bring a child into. 

[SooSad33]

9 hours ago, happyfeet999 said:

He told me I have too many excuses, that age shouldn’t matter, that there is no such thing as wrong timing, that he shouldn’t have to convince me to give him a kid in X amount of time, that I should want it naturally, that he can’t wait that long and his reasoning is that due to his family history he thinks he won’t make it past the age of 65. He’s also told me that if I loved him, I should be down to have his kid whenever he asks. That I should be down to leave my family and move away with him (for his career) whenever he asks. He said if I can’t do all of this for him then I’m not “the one.” I get where he’s coming from, but at the same time his reasoning seems very selfish to me.

Then I guess he's not the one for you either.  You're right, he's off his rocker, with such talk!

What you want & what he wants is different. Do not stick around this one.  Neither of you will be happy at all.

 

[Batya33]

I would actually feel differently if you were 38 and wanting to wait five years before trying and hadn’t frozen your eggs.  But even then it would depend on many other factors. Do not have a child with this person.  The end.  

You two already have a rocky relationship, you want a career or at the very least the foundation for the career before you have a child which is totally valid and probably really smart !  He will never be supportive of your career and having a child where you eventually return to work outside the home very often requires two parents committed to that.

 I mean committed to stepping in when one person has a work deadline or paying for extra child care so the other person can have some time to herself and being supportive when work is stressful.  I returned to working outside the home after 7 years and my husband is very supportive but he did make a few mistakes in the beginning.  But because he was generally supportive it was resolved.  This person will see you as a baby maker only and it sounds like he won’t be an equal partner.

You’d have to be ready to shelve career goals for several years especially if you have more than one child.  

My friend was a SAHM for 20 years starting at age 26.  4 kids.  After 18 years they separated.  He was a real dud on child support and she had health issues and few marketable skills.  Financial nightmare. She’s still not doing great financially 15 years later.  She went back to school in her 40s. Please reconsider.

Nothing wrong with being a SAHM until the kids move out.  In fact I think it’s a wonderful career.  What’s wrong and a dealbreaker is you do not want that at all. 

[boltnrun]

My ex husband gave me an ultimatum too. Not regarding kids but regarding getting married.

Notice I wrote EX husband.

Do not let him arm twist you into giving up your career, leaving your family and having babies when you're not yet ready.

Tell him he's right, HE is not "the one" for YOU. 

Good luck with nursing school! The world needs good nurses. I applaud you for wanting to go into this very valued and appreciated profession.